what was it like when you left me behind?
with a bottle of jack clasped in your greedy palm,
did you ever look over your shoulder?
did you ever turn back?
independency never looked more like a cage
when you realize it came with
losing a childhood to a parent
dependent on *****
and lost in her liquor.
maturity is a sculpture that people
chip and mold to fit their own reality
when they forget that the
broken pieces surrounding the perfect sculpture
are really what maturity is made of.
when you left me behind
i reveled in my independency
and clutched my broken pieces in my hands,
glued them back together
and called it armor.
but i still wonder from time to time,
if you ever looked down to see your own
broken jack bottle
glass pieces by your feet,
because you finally remembered
that you left your daughter behind.
as the rain pelted my face i felt an odd sensation of satisfaction.
the water had cleansed my body like it was the holy water used at morning mass.
the catholics’ silence could be heard as i bathed in God’s tears.
the deafening echo of a wordless cathedral spinning into chaos.
as peace consumes me and
my body is laid to rest
i realize why God had flooded the earth the first time.
you have to feel it at the bottom of your chest
pushing and pulling and molding itself into a ball of gnashing teeth and chipped fingernails.
it sits there and meshes itself together to create
a web of endless nothingness that starts and ends in the same ****** place
like a never ending cycle of decay
it resides at the bottom of my chest and waits and waits and waits
until i feel like i’m good.
until i feel like i’m okay.
and then i remember that you have to remember the barren graveyard in your chest where flowerless headstones mark the heart that use to live and breathe and flourish its own garden.
i’ll claw at this desolate orchard and i’ll scream in anguish because i wasn’t always this hollow.
i wasn’t always this ****** hollow.
but when you come into my life and you leave flowers on a perfect grave and then walk away leaving them to wither away into ash
you can’t expect me to not engrave your name on the slab of stone i lay under.
even after all this time, the pain is still there
i stood outside in the rain
and felt the water collide with my face wondering if i was the only one
who had felt like this or if it was
just the cold from my wet clothes
slowly creeping in
was the feeling my empty chest
which carried the echoed thumps
of my heart or was it just the chilling
of my bones from landing in one
too many puddles
i read poetry until the dawn broke the sky
and like the sun waking up
i kissed the darkness goodbye
and welcomed the blue bird’s song
greeting the warm rays of a new day
but like the day it was only temporary
and i felt the cool pull from the moon’s glow
tugging me back into my empty bed
writing poetry until the light from the morning
shown brighter than my phone screen
sadness only settles into my skin
after i am done tearing at it with guilty teeth
remembering what it felt like to sink into
that special spot at the
junction point of your shoulders
i spend countless hours biting my nails
to short stubs because i don’t want
to remember them tracing
the freckles on your back as if i
were painting constellations on your flesh
i look at photos in my phone
only deleting them when the substance in
my lungs is strong enough to subdue
the aching in my chest as i remember
the happiness and the love that we held
i make hot tea once it hits 4
with the salted tears that fall down
my cheeks because i can’t get up
without falling to my knees in a silent
prayer that you’ll come back to me
and when the sun comes back up
and awakes the restless city
i welcome it with open arms in hopes
that today will actually be a new day
and that it’ll end when it leaves
this feels different from the others.
my chest hurts
it physically pains me to breathe
it physically pains me to talk
it physically pains me to move
it physically pains me to do anything
it just physically hurts
everything just physically hurts.
it’s unfair that you get to be okay.
because i’m standing here with my heart in my hands
and my legs shaking every time i move
and my knuckles bloodied from the hole in the wall that matches the hole in my chest
that you left because you left
and it’s unfair
it is so ******* unfair that you’re okay
when i have to pretend to be
you left when you promised you wouldn’t and now i have to pick up all the ******* pieces
waiting waiting waiting
at your front door
call me sweetheart
i’ve heard it before
wondering wondering wondering
if you’ll answer or not
but a blank stare
was all that i got
hoping hoping hoping
this was just a bad day
“i just don’t feel well”
is all you would say
knowing knowing knowing
that this is the end
your eyes are saying everything
that you could not send
but i’m done waiting
and i’m done wondering
and i’m done hoping
because i know
that nothing i could do
and nothing i could say
would stop you from leaving
when you didn’t want to stay
what have i done wrong