frozen in time, stuck in place. a machine,
a puppet moving along the path I always go
in circles
I always go in circles,
on repeat
on repeat
on repeat
on repeat
on repeat
I always go in a circle go in a
circle, beating around the
beating around the
bush the bush
the bush.
trying to reach inside myself to
find the words
to find the words
to say
to say
to say
to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say-

Digging deeper and deeper. I search for courage for inspiration
inspiration
inspiration
but all I find is silence,
heavy as a stone.
my
back
my back bends beneath
the beneath the
beneath the weight of it.

ever searching for you
in the places you usually are
you're the missing piece of
the puzzle
and it drives me crazy that
you're not coming back
I never realized how much
I needed you
until you were gone
the gaps you left
in between moments
make me nervous
that
something happened to you.

sometimes in vain
I hope that you'll return
even though you're
gone forever.

darling,
you're the one who got away
and I just wanted to say
I'm sorry
I left you behind
maybe someday
I'll
   find
         you

                     again.

It's late,and I must go
Please take care until we meet again.

We try to force out the right words,  past our tongues and out our mouths but they get caught in our throats and we never say anything, silently choking.
Other people always leave you behind and hit you too hard.
I am Salieri to
the cosmos' Mozart.
I guess by now it does not
matter
what I say. You've
probably stopped reading by now.
I don't mind if you have.
I mind why though.
Anyway since you're not here
I'll say whatever. Bubble. Lasers.
Viruses aren't alive, but they ain't dead.
I pretend to be a shark sometimes.
I'm a thief. Don't **** me.

I don't want to be alone

i want to be loved i want
to be feared. i am good i am special
i am different .
respect me. i want your love.
i am hungry for something to call
my own and i am greedy.
slap me kick me hate me
but do not think of me as
pathetic
it hurts me and i will hurt you.
i am not scared of hate, only
disrespect. i don't want you to
think i'm petty. think i'm weird.
i just want to be loved.
no one loves me for who i really am.
my selfish side. my hungry heart.
the parts i hide

knowledge hurts

I don't play video games or do anything involving interaction with those who don't understand, don't want to understand, won't [ever] understand, cannot understand that this is how our twisted world works. I try not to wake the dormant rage sleeping in my bones like a feral beast, some lithe lethal six-armed war goddess of terror and the winds of unpredictability, goes by A Revolutionary's Fury. That lady will steal common sense and all manners, swipe your self-control and make you dance at her whim, a puppet made of mincemeat and dreams. She got a third eye, she got a river for a soul, she got a pet tiger who can **** the strongest dragons and whip up clouds that obscure reason. Fury's a scary lady and I'm not going to hand over the reins.

like a Balloon
pain swells Suddenly in
my Chest
momentarily--a Curious
sensation
Of losing my breath
I feel some
part of me
Float
into the cracks Between
pieces Of sky
The sunlight Smudges away allthe
sharp Edges,leaving behind
Only the remains of an unanswered Question.

false tundra of clouds
up close, the moon hurts my eyes
wing cuts through this scene
with the false ground and false sun,
the horizon blurs, confused.

when you bike in circles
when you read Murakami again
when you read what's between the lines

self-consciousness is realization of the flaws within this self.

when you listen to music
when you fall apart
when you fall asleep

this self right now cannot escape or be escaped

when you scratch away the fading façade
when you rewrite your old works
when you rewrite memories as fables

'Home: a place to escape to or from.'

when you realize it's over
when you fall apart
when you fall asleep
when you fall asleep.

If only I could find the right words
for this pain,dull and throbbing
If only
I could find the words to say
What I mean to tell you;
I leave the unbroken silence to
hang in the air
like fog,
thick,
Suffocating.

Maybe if I could
pinpoint
the origin of all
this *******
the shaky hands and
bouts of angst
But the message field
is as blank as my face,
still.

the stars come crashing down
for them,why not for me?

Why can't tell you I miss you in a one paragraph email,not four?
Why can't I tell my mother
I feel like ****?

Why can't I find
the words
                "I'm sorry"

Within my soul?

Some say the color of emptiness is
white,like untouched snow
like a
blank canvas.

Some say the color of emptiness is
black,like the vacuum of space
like a
black hole.

I say the color of emptiness is
red,like one’s eyes after crying
like the
blood on the ground.

Red is the only color
bold enough
to say it:

Your spirit is gone
Your soul is gone
Your sanity is gone
Remember them
Remember me.

For once this isn't about you.
For once I can breathe freely.
For once the ocean doesn't remind me of hunger and blood and daring, and therefore of you.
For once you're not stuck in my head like a sad love song, a bubble of bittersweet that resurfaces holding a reflection of your face.
For once it doesn't hurt when I find your hoodie, still under my bed, still stained with ketchup.
For once I have the courage to put it away, to touch it, to touch the sore spot where you were once attached to me.
For once missing you isn't an urge to run to you, it's just wanting to stay and watch you go.