I believe you get only a few epic romances in your life. I also believe you get a handful of comfortable love stories.
One is an attraction that makes you obsessive. A love that make you go crazy immediately. A love with more passion than practicality. Usually rushed and never well planned. The kind of love that makes your skin tingle when they are nearby. Your heart pound when they kiss you. And your mind race with uncertainty everytime you are together. The kind of love that if it lasts, is an grand love story. Or the kind of love that breaks you when it ends.
The other is an admiration for one another. A fondness that develops into something more over time. I also believe there is a comfortable kind of love And you'l find it quite often. It doesn't scare you at all. A love that seems logical and practical. Usually well thought out and discussed. You don't really feel electrified when you are together but you feel safe and secure. It isn't grand But it is stable and has a comforting certainty that you have come to love. The kind of love that if it lasts will guarantee a happy ending. Or the kind of love you can walk away from without utter devastation.
Unfortunately, every person experiences love differently. For one it may be an epic love story while the other has simply settled for a simpler love for a little while. Until one day they get bored and leave unmaimed while the other gathering the will to mend their broken heart. And so that leaves a decision to be made. Do we continue to fall hopelessly in love again and again until we get our Grand Love story? Or do you chose to settle in the comfort of a mere Happy Ending?
I'm haunted by my parents. When I think I've finally forgotten them, Someone calls me by my nickname. "Hey Sam!" And i'm reminded that I was named after my father. When I think I've finally burned the memory of their faces out of my mind I see her eyes staring back at me in the mirror.
I wonder if they are dead yet. God I hope so. Maybe then I can lay my demons to rest.
How can I ask someone to love me To love me regardless of all the tragedy that consumes me Love me the days when I can't smile And I can't seem to face the world.
How can I force that burden onto someone To have to pity me On Mother's Day Father's Day Or my Brother's birthday. The days we all celebrate, but days I can't anymore.
When those days drive me to my knees With a pain so heavy in my chest I can't take it anymore. And my tears choke every word I try to say to explain why I feel this way, but I can't. How can I wish that on someone To love me when I'm like that.
They deserve to be able to celebrate their mother, father, and siblings without feeling guilty that I can't do the same. I can't wish that upon anyone. So I hope no one ever loves me.
Beware the ides of March they say But they have no idea what May holds The horrible month of May.
May holds the life I lost and the one I almost did.
Mother's Day rolls around And I remember the woman that by God's smite, is my mother. The woman who decides my life would end that awful night. How motherly.
May 10th arrives and I'm in panic as I think of the man who raised me, aging a year more. The man who turned a blind eye as she hacked down the door. Some father of mine.
May 22nd descends on my heart like a hammer. I remember the splintering wood as the door started to come down. It's pierced in my memory. The sound of my own choked screams as I thought of the horrible end. Clenching my head to my knees in the tub hoping it would come fast.
Only to be saved. Saved from the ones who made me. Who raised me with false love. Saved from a life I had with the monsters that still haunt my dreams.
Beware the month of May. It lays heavy on my heart and mind.
I finally understand why I've changed again. Two years ago, I had put all my life info my little brother. Two years ago he was my only reason to keep living. For the last two years I've been alone. And I thought I was okay But I think I’ve just been searching for a reason to keep breathing again. To fill that role in my life again. So dying could wait.
But now I feel different I'm alive again And I want things I never knew I wanted. A love so deep, marriage, maybe even children. Things that used to mean nothing to me. Things I crave with such an intensity now it terrifies me. And I think it's because I need something to live for again. No. I know it’s because I need a reason.
Society is a puzzle to me. Everyone has a place. Their edges when turned around and flipped around will eventually take their place amongst the others creating something so beautiful. And only time and patience can shape it.
Unfortunately my edges are worn, And I was placed in the wrong box. So people try and try to force me into a spot hoping I'll fit in. Only to find that I just ruin the picture.