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Still waiting,
like a bird with broken wings,
waiting for the breeze to carry me beyond.
But I am still stuck in here,
a place far north to my heart,
where emotions dwell with a lookout,
where my soul might be a tenant but never the master.
In my void of thoughts, everything is a slave to Fear.

It now rules my emotions that I finally have someone to lose.
The demons from my past often knock,
but they just don’t seem to make through.
Those demons seem so minuscule in front of the fears that now lives in me.
Now my tears roll down very easily,
do my tears signify that I am losing to my fears?
Or Have I lost the will to hide them anymore?
The feeling that you might be holding someone too close,
and once that person lets you go,
your reality may be torn between your questions,
questions to yourself, and questioning yourself.
The fear that what you might need is too much
or maybe what you did was too little.
The feeling of letting go and setting free seems to be different.
they are more powerful than mere words.
Every silence to my goodbyes.
Every distance to my differences.
My fears are growing,
Cause I have seen this happen,
I have lived through this ordeal a million times.
I don’t want to be lost again
running around nameless,
fear of not belonging to my emotion,
fear of not having someone to share my tears with,
fear that I won’t hear a smile,
fear that all this was just an empty promise,
fear that I might be abandoned by the ones I held close.

Now that they have grown beyond my arms,
not the smiles but the scars would remind them of me.
The fear is taking shape,
he seems to be in vibrant
shades of my doubts and insolence.
perched on my shoulder,
whispering to me,
“You never meant anything to those whom you called yours.”

Still when I might be too occupied to write,
I know my thought fuelled by fear,
are the scariest places to dwell.
thanks to overthinking
Feb 21 · 225
For me your silences
will always echo louder than your words, they commute in language I cannot speak, they express some emotions I cannot precieve.
Feb 8 · 77
From times when I used to see you
walk past me in corridors,
to all the adventures with you aboard.
From the fun, we had in the hallways,
to the shenanigans in the dorms.
2nd bench shallow dreaming,
To the ice cream breaks under the Sun with you.
From the ****** wardens to cigarette butts,
we went through all, me and you.

I still want to jam to those old classics with you,
Hoping to see you again in your blue night suit,
remembering our handprints on your wall.
All those fights, all those tears accord,
the period of my life I will always adore.
Blessed to have found the greatest friend in you,
Don’t forget our celebrations are due.
And yes, I LOVE YOU TOO.
To the ones who are still here, and I mean you the one sleeping on my couch.
Feb 4 · 140
Broken into a million pieces,
living in this fear to break into a million more,
Making sure to tread with caution,
making sure I don't scream when I step on the thorns,
making sure I couldn't recall the last time I felt pain and mourned.
But someone felt my void inside,
Someone taught me there are no mistakes that cannot be healed
She taught me “healing exists to connect and not to perfect beings”.

I have found someone that makes me adore these fragments in me.
She is an alchemist working with gold,
healing those imperfections,
not hiding them in deep,
shaping them with trust,
molding them to fit back in,
trying to restore me with her palms,
blessing her magic on me
with that sacred art of Kintsugi.

Now the healed scars are in the shape of roses and daffodils,
now the vulnerabilities look gorgeous in me.
Her love is bridging my broken pieces,
now those lost and empty pieces are looking vivid.
Kissing those palms which made me believe,
breathing under her serenity,
now I felt peace in my reality.

Every imperfection seems unique to me.
Fragility, strength, and beauty,
now seem almost synonymous to one another.
To the one who rooted this resilience in me,
you mean the world to me.
Imperfections healed in Love
Feb 1 · 215
Often when your emotions run rampant,
I feel your heat rushing
your hands in ecstasy uncontrollable,
trying to decipher my heartbeat,
searching for my lost pieces in yourself.
Trying to fix my broken reality,
looking for that missing piece of puzzle.

Someday you might stop and realise,
the last piece is finally in place,
now the puzzle seems vivid and complete.
Then you might realise,
through you I found those missing pieces,
through your love I have discovered me.
unravel me.
Jan 20 · 79
If our love is a religion,
then let me preach this in silence.
Let me sit in your shrine,
devoted to my highness.
I will worship you as my only belief,
I will plead to you as my only relief.
"my newfound faith"
Jan 13 · 71
Mortal Fear
When in a Combat to death,
only one realises the true potential of human drive,
the ecstasy of dripping blood,
the transcendence to feel the last of a beating heart,
to feel the end of a soul in terror.

The two lives in question,
are placed on the same pedestal of reality
until one realises their potential to play God.
The momentum of giving a life seems to fade
in comparison to allowing one.

The one that experiences the last breath,
the being that fathoms he can grant an end,
is the only one that realises the inability of God over Death.
ink turned ******
Jan 10 · 80
I still reach out
through these murky windows of my soul,
trying to search
for those clay dolls of my dead emotions.

Floating around motionless in white,
I still accidently encounter
our murals from the past.
Jan 6 · 75
Love and Bruises
This bruised emotion called Love,
Gives my reality a chance to lose out to an unexpected challenger called hope.
But the scars on my shattered self now seem to heal on their own
It'sust that the scabs from my wounds now look like roses with no thorns.
Falling in love is amazing until you feel like falling in reverse.
Jan 6 · 48
Sets me free
Today I caught a glimpse
of someone's real beauty.
The fragrance of a thousand orchids,
the glow of a fallen angel,
the essence of a hundred dawns.
I felt the loving of a wounded heart,
I felt the need to heal those emotions.
and my feeling couldn't hold back
nor could I remember my leap
into the ravine of her affections.
Now I flow with her reality,
now I enjoy drowning in these feelings.
I love you.
It was definitely worth a try to let my heart go astray,
just so it could know how far it can venture.
It is a different emotion that it came back ragged and bruised,
what is more beautiful is the scars it carries now they glow in this darkness,
almost like stars illuminating my lonliest nights.
It ventured through storms and draughts went all the way and jumped off the edge of love, betrayal, promises and hope.
What came back was
a shattered piece
smiling through the cracks.
After all the bloodshed of
its dying laughter and unknown disaster,
It was definitely worth a try.
"The scars heal in shapes of roses with no thorns"
"Falling in love"
irony of this expression is pure genius.
Dec 2020 · 62
Lover that I found
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
Think about your lips and the way they kiss
There's so much I really miss about you,
you have been on my mind
every single night,
I can't visualize life without you.
And I haven't felt peace without you
All of the memories feel like magic
All of the fighting seemed so sweet
All that we were, my love, was magic
And you're the last thing that I need

So I lay a dozen roses
for the lover that I've found.
I stand by all my choices,
even though I may pay the cost
Oh, all those nights, the lows and highs,
I share them all with you.
So I lay a dozen roses, I lay them there,
I lay them there for you.
/ Not original /
Lyrical Genius of SAM SMITH,
slightly modified the song "Lover that I lost"
Dec 2020 · 120
Guilt (long vrsn)
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
Living this conflicting life of regret and reality
living this conflicting life of confrontations and morality,
treading on this weak link of trust and animosity.
Living in this fear that what if those memories ever return,
or if am I even human enough to live with them.

Past days of bloodshed and lead bullets,
past life of hate and dead merits,
these ghosts from my past seem to be chained in me,
they almost seem to breathe with me.
Not knowing anymore, would I survive this chaos,
not knowing anymore, am I willing to escape this pathos,
not wanting to accept If the past was indeed the real me.
or am I still stuck in this labyrinth carved in me?

Everyday battling this conflict,
everyday holding on to the leash,
I live with this emotional rust and creeping insanity.
Waiting for my tryst with death,
Aching for my ending days of rest,
I tend to wander afar in my head,
and again end up in my soul instead.
If life was somewhat different at this frame of time,
Then what new flavors of suffering would I have encountered.
Or what new warmth of smiles I would have seen.
PTSD is a real deep wound not just a scar of war.
Inspired by the movie The Hurt Locker.
Dec 2020 · 155
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
Living this conflicting life of regret and reality
living this conflicting life of confrontations and morality,
treading on this weak link of trust and animosity.
Living in this fear that what if those memories ever return,
or if I am even human enough to be breathing with them.
PTSD is a real problem but a lot of people, discard it stating it as scars of trauma, stop treating them like scars when they are deep wounds on their conscious.
Dec 2020 · 189
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
To take from; to have taken away from
to catch; to be caught;
to conform; to make one conform,
We do nothing but repeat,
repeat these affirmatives and negatives.
We are fighting to keep ourselves from losing anything,
we are certain of benightedness in our futility.
A different take on Last letter
Dec 2020 · 118
Last letter(full version)
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
To take from; to have taken away from
to catch; to be caught;
to conform; to make one conform,
We do nothing but repeat,
repeat these affirmatives and negatives.
We are fighting to keep ourselves from losing anything
and yet our places and the people we love
are certain to pass away.
And we are certain to be forgotten.

To live in vain is to be unhappy,
It is our benightedness in futility.
but even though knowing,
someday all we have would vanish so would our conscious,
knowing someday we will be gone so would our benignancy.
I still seek life grotesquely,
in this hope that I would decipher the beauty in a beating heart.
And so I choose.
I keep choosing.
I keep being chosen.
Some saying life is an overrated phenomenon,
sadly I disagree with that,
life has its essence in both its vagueness and chaos,
life has its essence in both its reality and ethos.
This is my last letter to nature,
this is my last letter celebrating the futility of life.
Celebrate your life everyday, cause this moment counts.
Inspired by anime Tokyo Ghoul.
Dec 2020 · 81
Mortal Fear
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
During combat to the death,
is maybe the only moment when you can gauge,
the true potential of the human drive.
Only at that moment, you realize
the ecstasy in warm dripping blood,
in feeling the last of a beating heart,
in granting the end to a soul in terror.

The two possibilities in question,
the drive to hunt and the need to survive,
both stand on the same pedestal of reality,
both value the same in the scale of nature.
but that scenario persists only,
until one realizes their true potential to play God.
It is at this moment of fear of mortality,
it is at this moment when one can see life leaving a vessel,
this moment makes the hunter realize,
the inability of God over Death.
Reading a lot of criminal psychology and papers on psychotic tendencies these days. In most of the cases without a clear motive, the subject reported to have felt gratified in taking a life. Elated to play God.
Dec 2020 · 386
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
Sometimes when I gaze into a starry night,
I tend to compare it with that mesmerizing smile of yours.
But when you bless me with that smile of yours,
darling I tend to forget those million stars in the sky.
Inspired by Nizar Quabbani.
Short and sweet poetry.
Dec 2020 · 106
Dead man thoughts.
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
A dead soul matters the most,
as there's no one else that
can force you preserve and cherish memories better and truthfuly.

You hesitate to erase them.
Even if you lack the visuals,
you'd create some mirage joining the
missed and uncovered notes.
You'd tell stories from the
almost unexisting backyard of your mind and with all the more excitement,
which probably you never shared,
when they were still breathing.

Those you plan on to create,
have the spark of undefined.
You might surpass undefined,
that'd be the extent of your love.

If dead man looks back,
he'd be proud and smiling,
You think alike those irrational dreamers.
Don't you ?
You talked about existentialism and vagueness in things like how
intransient life and death embrace closely,
with warmth and shivering pain.
Times when you had cease to exist
you'd not think about them
and they may not recall you anymore.

Perhaps everything beyond life is irrational, sliding the thoughts in your
subconscious carefully,
not with a hint of expressing the urge of exploring.
The taboo between you and them
why not in life you seek the same comfort
of randomness,
you wish but you fail to organise the terms
And patterns.

Just now I think what a corpse would feel when it reads my Art, probably
The dead man Smiles back and says
"I may fade with time,
my flesh may blend with soil
but I keep on living with those who know my story ".
Conscious of a dead man, is maybe the only mystery we could never explore.
Dec 2020 · 325
Smile ( ꈍᴗꈍ)
Sidharth Suraj Dec 2020
I adore your wrinkles
more than your salt trails.
I want to see your smile,
they are the bandage to soul.
Spread your blessing through
your joy.
smile often, life is too small for the frowns
Nov 2020 · 321
Submit to Desires
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
You notice me with your ***** eyes,
wanting to love me till I die
You act so sly in front me,
you drip colours I cannot perceive.
You want to prance like a hungry beast,
You want me to surrender
at the hunter's feet.
I can hear your words spreading around,
Stories of silence and roses lust bound.
Wanting the warmth of my cold Gaze,
you seem to have an appetite for my ways.
These noises may silence and
commotion may fade.
Once I breath with you it may end in dismay.
You want to play with fire,
and become the wax to my desires,
darling but know
what you have stepped in for.
Enjoy the Hell my fire brings forth.
For every second you talk to me with your eyes,
Come closer ,I know your inner desires.
Nov 2020 · 236
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
This feeling of love,
to the confessions I made,
from the sleepless nights,
to our early morning debates.
From realising we are meant to be,
to understanding you are the missing piece in me.
This feeling seem to justify,
the unrest in me,
the excitement in me,
the joy around me.
You are key to the escape I feel.
Now you seem to capture,
feelings way more than
what I could put in these words.
Just going to end this with an
"I Love You so much."
it shouldn't be "falling in love" could have been something like "captured by love"
Nov 2020 · 146
Souls combust.
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
I can no longer hide
this feeling or silence.
With your touch and love,
affections seize warmth.
My soul ignited.

Once disparaged
estranged to another.
But with these distances,
coupling unparalleled angst.
I long to share it,
I want to hear you,
pull me closer now.

The chills in my spine
put into these words.
Lips on your skin.
Eyes brimmed with sin
Fingers slide over,
Lights fade out,
Loved you forever
say it out loud.

What is this sensation?
You drip colors I cannot perceive.
Heightening my passion,
enhancing my believes.
Dew drops vaporise
unhinged fly two beings,
Blending in this night sky.  

My tomorrow's mistakes,
will they break this cage.
Expressions of lust,
Consumed this way.
Hollow mortals,
Filled with divine flames.

Too consumed
In the colour of flesh
You do not fear it
I can hear the rush.
Mesmerizing aesthesia ,
now i hear them often.
Our souls combust
to this timeless dust.

I miss your love, I want to feel your presence.
Nov 2020 · 214
My Sand castle
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
Living in my sand castle,
with narrow doors and broad windows,
short passages and empty street posts .
Night sky with empty lights,
Moonshine with hollow sighs.
Stuck in this stigma of stepping forward,
living in this chaos of seeping in this sand.
For now I am afraid to breath,
for now I feel my castle is drifting on wet land.

The castle I built seems too small and vile,
to accommodate my expanding life.
I hear the calls from the sea winds,
the wave nearing this shoreline of thoughts in me.
I can smell the fear of shattering today,
wanting to ignore these voices arrayed.
I can look far enough
from these windows of  my castle,
But I can't reach them through my narrow doorways.
Would my realities reinforce these sand walls,
when I try to force myself out of this cage of thoughts.
for the times of uncertainty, would you let go of your sand castle ?
Nov 2020 · 384
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
Death fears me
So it takes what I love instead,
and it had took so many,
the scars doesn't bother much
But the vacuum remains etched in me.
Loosing the ones that bloom with your warmth
Nov 2020 · 81
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
Sitting below this dim lit sky,
walking on this wet field of trinket rain.
I enjoy these stars in my glass of toxins,
I enjoy these salt trail that my tears made.
The smell of animosity in you is making me suffocated, it's drowning my self hatred.
Now my melting emotions make your face blurry.
Now you are almost lost in the statics of my thoughts.
Nov 2020 · 241
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
Living on your tokens of love,
unknowingly I am in debt of your presence,
unexpectedly I am in scars of your truth.
The events of past that remain in me,
the scenario of loosing you ,
was haunting to my soul,
now it is more than a reality to me.
Nov 2020 · 69
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
Aching smiles,
goodbye kisses,
sour tears,
shallow whispers,
can't keep me down.
I am rooted in our love.
I am the warmth in our breath.
I am the reality in our silences.
Nov 2020 · 110
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
The silence in October,
is beyond these words.
From the mild cold and morning dew,
to this mid temperate Sun's hue.
All these flavours with daunting blues,
you see wings fly off to calming views.

This time in fractals now you realise,
time is flying in my locked paradise.
Stuck in this habitat for way to long,
Now I hear whispers in my October song.

Ending this year with variety in tears.
From disclosure to disease,
from disasters to deceased.
For this season of fall in yellow and green.
For the news of end is falling in.
Seeing these mild heated afternoons,
feeling those fear of loosing dearest aloof.

This series of season,
this sequence of months.
Calling to summarise this beauty in rust.
Now I see this year's fate is bend,
I am hearing October's rustle to end.
This time of the years is always special
Nov 2020 · 226
Pen and Power
Sidharth Suraj Nov 2020
Regain, redeem
Resign, retreat
Dare you Overlook again,
The potential beneath,
Jump higher,
Fall again,
Dive deeper within,
Blind the empty eyes,
Mute the shallow words,
Painful rather than dead inside.
Bleeding scars, sarcasm dies.
Bullied emotions, scared and dried.
Wrong views, ill news just glance and deny.
Write your pain with passion for life.
Flood your rights with ink you buy.
Speak for the weak and pull down lies.
The power of your pen
is beyond what you deny.
Don't see wrongs and scroll ahead.
Write the revolution and turn those heads.
revolution in your ink
Aug 2020 · 98
Sidharth Suraj Aug 2020
Me and my empty feelings,
now sleep under the same sheets.
With this abattoir in me,
darkness and obscurity,
are newfound friends to me.

The light seems too far to reach and shadows felt viscous and warm to me.
You can't pull me out now,
I am stuck in this Limbo of dreams.
I am chained to my demons,
who whisper visions of death
and ordeals to me.

Would I witness another sunset
or would I be trapped in this motionless state.
Would I be  sacrificed to the
monsters feeding on me
Or will the darkness silence my being.
Insides of a mangled mind
Jul 2020 · 73
Last ray of Sunshine
Sidharth Suraj Jul 2020
The last fragments from my broken thoughts
the final colours of my palate,
spill again beyond what I could recollect.
They tell me to look through
this mist of emotions,
to survive the cyclone of uncertainty.
To hold tight cause last ray of sunshine,
It is about spill on your destiny.

To keep on going
Free your ghosts from past,
they can't possibly chain your emotions,
they can't possibly extinguish your wildfire.
Stand in the eye of the tornado,
to experience the chaos,
to gauge the destruction mobilised.
Introspect your emotions,
look beyond your deeds,
observe the sunrise and savour your sunset.
For today you may stand alone,
but only until your voice is heard,
until your truth stands as your testament.
A testament to  your ideas of tomorrow,
a testament to your legacy from yesterday.

So don't you stand still and
wait for the waves.
Do the unexpected make your own quakes.
Live for what you stand for,
voice your opinions and stand tall.
For today could be the darkest of your history,
but the victory will fall to those,
who survived the blizzard of failures.
Hold on to your last ray of Sunshine,
it will abjure your uncertainties,
and light up your realities.

— The End —