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I was an abusive *** who betrayed you.
So you put me out of your mind like a bad trauma.

A few months of love.
Could not make up for years of intolerance.
I hope you can forgive me.
I was never meant to be the man you met.
I was a kind child turned into a monster.
Who had to shed his skin.

The guilt of having a future with you paralyzed me.
I was never deserving of someone so kind.
My betrayal and our inexperience ruined the relationship.
But only I have to suffer being alone.

If you don't think of me anymore.
Then you will never hear from me again.
But know you have bewitched me mind, body and soul.
And my love for you will always be there.

Maybe I just wasn't even that much in your mind.
Or maybe the abuse made me too duplicitous and bipolar to remember.
And though these poems may come across as two faced.
They all tell the same story.

I believe this will be the last.
I think the reason I find it difficult.
To get over you.
My favorite part of the past we built.
Was talking the day through.

I could listen to your aspirations forever.
And how we charted course.
Through the life once pointed at me, now sever
Its love from her source.

As time grew on, I found courage to speak.
Words from a darker time.
And work through to meet you at the peak.
You with me, our hearts design.

I loved to hear you talk of your life.
I adored to hear your thoughts.
And the goals you set at such a height.
They dazzled me to know of sorts.

And now you're gone. But I...
I only wish you could have known me.
From weeks, from months and from years went by.
A lot changed over the open sea.

I am a new person, an ever changing enigma.
And my love for you, boundless as the story you sing.
To know me now, when I held that stigma.
Oh, what skeptical words you would bring!
So, this is what I felt. This never changed.
The key to happiness is self-expression in a safe environment.
I offered you that however, it is not unique.
There is another man who can offer you that.
It is rare, but it is not impossible.

I, given my multiple interests will have difficulty.
If I wrote all my interests on a board, no one I know could fill half of it.
Except you.
That is where I am. Stuck in a place of unhappiness.

Congratulations.
You were right, I would never meet anyone like you again.
And there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it.
Lessons I had not learned, could not be used after the event had taken place.

It's warm in this place.

Like the last breeze fades on a clear spring day.
The stillness holding between the hilltops
The empty wind dying above the fields, in the city, on the rivers.
On a world I could not change.

Of a girl who can be herself with someone else.

Maybe that's fine.

As your scarlet letter folds into the crowd.
Of a face I am struggling to recall.
But the tears that I shed for you will not stop.
And that is all of my findings of our story so far.

And every new poem I wrote here for you.
I wrote when I learned something new to archive.
And I hope they reach you someday.
So I can be surprised.

So my framework view of this world can be changed.
And I selfishly hope I can express myself again.
In this message to a girl who will never read it.
That the experiment of us can be undertaken with the findings made.

And I might show you, that I'm not a manipulative narcissistic ****.

But only actions prove that, not words.
Which is why I post this here, where you will not find it.
So I can respect your wish to cut me off.
And at the same time, write my findings, that they might one day prove useful.
This is a message I wish for you to read and know will not be read. As long as it is here, I have left the opportunity for my goal of it being known to be achieved.
Dawn

The sun crept from the hills along the roiled grey sky.
As the trees breathed deeply and looked to the pry.
Weaving through cries, the birds sang to their choir.
Through daylight flickering in the skew morning mire.

She walked along the edge of a streams moving shroud.
The light glazed and bled on her dress rich and proud.
in a valley so serene where goodness was spent.
From the dream where it droned in winters lament.

But her body moved onward into the story cast.
By memories and true love thrown into the past.
Speaking forlorn of a man both withered and lost
Of mud in the streets and floods on the frost.

By morning it was over and our hearts had been shaken.
Not to know until later just what had been taken.
Like embers in ash it had wilted and drowned.
It started with a shout, it left without a sound.

And his eyes wandered about, they looked to the crash.
And his body fell over in the green wild brash.
Light twinkled on the plants, it spoke from the cinder.
Again, and again, it grew from the tinder.

Crackle and hiss, stoke fire to the furnace.
Until his heart was warm and warmly in earnest.
Where love moved and it rested upon the life in his chest.
And relaxed as it closed her sallow eyes on his breast.

It moved as he moved into the hot pouring blaze.
By holding her hand and pulling into the phrase.
She burnt and he bruised and she tried to defend.
But 7 long years till their "together" would end.


Mid-day


The wind billowed around her dress, her veil and her gown
As his ears were closed and his eyes cast down.
Binary, basic, butch and bouquet.
As her feet move through the bones that littered the fray.

The body that cried cold and scattered in the spring.
Grow old, grow young and grow old once again.
And bray the sky pleading for a woman in love.
Receiving but rain and not answers from the angels above.

He cursed on their name and found comfort in the bellows.
Where tales like his can be found in its Fellows.
They bind, they break and they loiter in its seems.
All to find comfort in his ill gotten dreams.

Where it spreads like disease, where it climbs in the sound.
Until his thoughts and feelings grew heated in the crowd.
As everyone could see him as the narcissistic clown.
And no one would want for him, but be cruelly let down.

In home, he weltered and continued to persist.
As his friends would disappear into the cool white mist.
While his hands would reach out and ask for support.
Before the chains of his past bound him deftly and caught.

While he pleaded and asked to be left alone.
For him, people could not have hurt but be sown.
And the blaze at once ardent could not help now be cool.
Where the bray of his heart quieted, admitted he the fool.

Night

For the hangman did say as he tightened the noose.
"Ye be faithful, be kind and know who you choose.
Be bound by your honor, be bound by a ring."
He knew and he felt the harm he would bring.

And even at the end, He thought of her face.
He felt the lines in her hair, her movement and grace.
The words of hers that allowed him to sing.
And no clue of the future, that it would never bring.

We could not have known how much better or gaunt.
The dire, the coldness, the tired or the taut.
The pleasure, the playful, the tension in her smile.
And resisting the urge to stay more than a while.

But time moved on and it moved without thinking.
And the man who he was was no longer breathing.
No one who knew him, no one could believe.
What the ghost of a mean person in love could achieve.

The one who he was, was far too outspoken.
And who he is now, was never more open.
When moon light would shine and the mist would recede.
When strength was his motto and not covering his greed.

The ghost moved through death and learned how to be a man.
And his foes and his friends knew where he began.
He did business in town, he did work in the wing.
And never more did he feel, like a puppet on a string.

And now she is gone and he knows that's okay.
And he thinks about it again, and he hurts every day.
While struggling to sleep, when heart shadows cling.
He wrote a poem to remember a woman without wings.
If you look hard enough, you can see the sun.
You can stare it at and its boundless white and black.
I challenged the sun to a staring contest.
The sun played ***** and went for the eyes.

When the fibers of my shirt stretch, I feel fatter.
When my jeans need to be unbuttoned in the car, I feel ashamed.
But my power will bend this metamorphosis into beauty.
Sometime... Sometime soon...

A woman said mean things about me behind my back.
I agreed with her but never spoke with her.
I discussed it without her and came to the conclusion.
That woman should never speak to me again.

I can't help but feel heartless when you say I am so.
There is a bad guy but he's not me.
The bad guy is the one who's disappointing me.
The villain is the person who attacked anyone in their vicinity to get what they wanted.

I know I'm arrogant and I know I'm mean.
There are tidal waves and earthquakes you could build a relationship on steadier ground with.
But my ground is unmovable. My decision unbreakable.

And you are the one I love most. Though, it seems you have done everything to strip me from your life. The most important thing, hidden without a proper explanation. I have lost, utterly and completely.

And even this poem could be drilled down to 3 little words. "I miss you."
Latisha obvs
There once lived love on this beach.
From hilltop to ditch, it wrote under dwelling.
Raining softly tears of regret.

There once lived love in this era.
Coalescing swarms of butterflies.
Drones in a no-fly zone.

There once lived love in this edict.
To your tender I offer the world.
An empty mailbox, a disconnected phone.

There once lived love given by me.
Flames of passion, lustful winds.
A wooden universe.

There once was love stolen to the void.
Every thought, image and moment trapped in a cable.
Painted faces on a spotless canvas.

I can no longer see you.
The bridge that we shared has been detonated.
I can no longer find the source.
These eyes frightened to find you, appraise every second, a moment of complete dread.
Rushing waters breath deeply.
Grasping, grappling and groping at the foundation of a life unlived.
Of a world unseen.
Of a fight not had.
Of honest words unspoken.
Cradle my bones that touch the sands surface.
Roost my dreams tightly bound.
Pitter-patter, the sounds of envy and jealousy.
Cold steel around your finger.
And pity the bird who called himself a snake and loved you more than a cohesive sentence could describe.
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