As I walk into the sea,
I am encapsulated.
My lungs filled with the cold air debris,
I become asphyxiated.
I'm no longer afraid of the water covering my head,
I just let it take over and stop fighting.
My breath becomes the bubbles in the water instead;
the image of being pulled under is my final sighting.
depression, drowning, sad, mentalhealth, mental, health, depressed, tflers
I watch the sunset but it’s tainted blue,
all the flowers are dying and the ocean’s empty too.
The world as I see it has lost all colour and life;
all that’s left is the dead weight of darkness and despair that is rife.
You're the lighter that ignites my spark
and causes my inner gunpowder to mark
the darkened sky with an explosion of coloured lights;
I'm a firework landmark of the nights.
Like a wolf chasing and attacking its prey,
my body has turned on me and I’m fading away.
Breathing is harder and my body is on fire,
will this pain and torment never tire?
I’m fragile like glass and I fear that I might again break
after piecing myself back together flake by flake;
too many times have I fought for happiness in this war,
so I give in and let myself drown in the darkness and be no more.
I ran away today; and so I failed.
I couldn’t face my biggest fear; instead I bailed.
Suffocated from the inside out,
I was trapped and full of doubt.
Screaming on the inside, quiet on the outside;
within fear and anxiety is where I reside.
I am torn into pieces like confetti,
tired from this fight; my soul is empty.
I want to F
away and be here no more,
to find a peaceful place where I’m no longer in this war.
Through all of this, I grow strong against the wind and rain,
blooming from the dark place I was buried; growing from the pain.
The burning fire rises within my chest and makes me want to scream;
at both everything you took from me and all you left me with – they are two extremes.
You took away my innocence, purity, my entire childhood,
broke me into pieces and took as much of me as you could.
Now I am left powerless in a pit of despair, and I don’t feel alive,
completely immersed in a lake of despondency, I can barely survive.
It’s a dark, cold September night sitting beneath the oak tree,
watching the sky as the stars come out; making a wish for me.
Wondering if I’ll ever feel the warmth spread through my veins like wildfire -
if I’ll ever feel the glow of happiness again or if the sadness will never tire.
Remember that you cannot find healing in people who broke you,
instead you have to let them go and cleanse your soul of devalue.
Find healing in yourself and how far you have come despite all of the hurt,
and in how much hope and inspiration to others you exert.
Once again I fall backwards into the abyss,
all by lifting the silken poison to my lips in the search for bliss.
The burning liquor has become my 'tonic' and my 'cure',
and it makes the reality of life so much easier to endure...
But the days are a haze and the nights are obliterated from my mind;
could this poison be my enemy that has me confined?
It's killing me slowly; its toxins flowing within my veins -
yet I am addicted and I'm ******* and held within its reins.
Just like that, you shut the door on me -
on everything we, and our future, could ever be;
I never saw it coming, I thought we were happy.
Yet you said goodbye when I needed you most -
now all I have are our memories and a ghost
of everything you used to be when we were close.
How could anyone understand what's going on in my mind?
And if they found out, would they be horrified by what they find?
Will they hate me when they realise that instead of opening my mouth and knowing where to begin,
I cut open my skin to get rid of the monsters within, like this is a war that I could even win?
As I sit down in the garden, rivers of tears drown my face
but the sun's rays beam down onto my back radiating warmth at a fast pace.
And I place my bare feet onto the breezy grass where, for once, I feel grounded and at peace,
and instead of suffocating, I can breathe again - a newfound release.
Your abuse broke me into pieces and left me suffocated by pain,
but I have risen stronger and I’ll never be defeated again.
The spirit of a lioness flows through my veins;
with courage and strength now ravaging my soul like a hurricane.
Where happiness once lay, melancholy now lies;
thunder, lightning and rain have taken over my sunrise.
The light has been extinguished and now my mind is dark,
I don't know who I am anymore; I've lost myself and my spark.
I look at you the same way people admire art;
your quirky ways captured both my eyes and my heart,
and still you are a masterpiece – beautiful and captivating,
and everything you say or do, I find most fascinating.
I am a phoenix who has risen from the ashes of torment and remained strong and brave in every aspect,
and I have known profound darkness, yet still I shine like the sun, and its warmth I project.
I am scarred and fragmented but my heart is whole and I still see the world not as it is, but as it should be,
and I am no longer held down by the chains I was once entangled in; instead I am free, happy and who I want to be.
Today, I finally breathed and set myself free
from all the torment and debris you left for me;
you no longer have power, for I’ve taken my power back,
and I’m finding myself again and putting my life back on track.
Your fingertips run along every inch of my skin,
evoking a kind of fiery passion from within;
close enough to feel the warmth of your breath and hear the sound of your gasp,
as our bodies entwine in desire and I am held within your grasp.
You are poison running through my veins,
you’ve locked me up in your destructive chains;
all I am is a canvas to you and your paintbrush is a fist,
painting me in blasts of red, blue and purple – causing pain, you cannot resist.
I wish I could sleep forever;
for my dreams are gentle and kind and sever
the nightmare reality brings, and the agony it does endeavour.
My heart is ablaze with the raging fire you started within my chest,
burning me from the inside out, leaving nothing but debris and decay as it manifests.
It's causing pain and desolation with every single heartbeat;
for your venomous spite is murdering me well - and I must admit defeat.
We light the flame; a golden teardrop radiating the warmth we so desperately want to feel from you,
but you were taken from us too early; you grew your angel wings and flew.
The candle has become the memorial we remember you by because you're high up in the sky;
it provides the bright light that was extinguished when we lost you and had to say goodbye.
I crave you as though you’re a drug I’m addicted to,
and when I get a fix, adrenaline pumps through my veins, like it’s long overdue;
you intoxicate my soul to new levels every time you are around me,
the fierce love and fiery fervour you emanate sets me free.
Yesterday I ran into the bathroom and dropped onto the floor,
crying out “please make it stop” as the blood began to pour;
my stupid body had let me down once again,
it took you away in a whirlwind of blood and pain.
Forget the colours blue and pink and who you would’ve been,
for all that’s left now is the colour red that cannot be unseen.
Now I am blanketed by only grief and sorrow,
knowing that my love wasn’t enough to keep you living through each and every ‘tomorrow’.
We lay down on the grass, with one another we’re entwined
and my eyes look up at the midnight skies to where the stars are aligned;
but you only have eyes for me, and say the brightest stars are to be found in my eyes,
and the most beautiful constellations run through my veins rather than through the sky.
The power of love is a force to be reckoned with; one that cannot be defined,
something that is created between two souls when the stars have aligned.
Your home becomes a person full of love, warmth and protection,
and they become your medicine healing you with their deep affection.
She’s going insane,
she can’t take the pain-
She’s searching for the sunshine but all she can find is the rain.
She’s no longer a person but a number on the scale,
driven by her inner voice’s need for her to become “dainty” and frail -
starving and purging all in a bid to succeed and never fail,
but by giving in to “Ana” she simply cannot prevail.
This insidious slithering being
rises inside of me guaranteeing
to extinguish the light that was once inside
and leave a hole where my soul no longer resides.
Our marriage is less about the rings and ink on paper
and more about the unity between two souls that will never taper,
and two hearts that beat as though one,
bound together by a connection that can't be outdone.
Our love is the beautiful warmth of the morning sun blazing,
and the burning inferno of passion within us rising.
Togetherness, to us, means peace, happiness and love that feels like home,
bringing colour to each other's lives in a world that was once so monochrome.
The burning liquor slides down the back of her throat
as euphoria sweeps over her like an antidote
for the despair within her very soul -
and now she’s no longer in control.
She doesn’t drink because she likes the taste
but to forget every single trauma she has faced.
And by starving and purging my body - driven by a need to be thin,
I only end up feeding and giving life to the demons within
that haunt my mind and crawl beneath my skin.
She's not made of sugar and spice
or everything nice.
She's made of blood stained dresses
and matted, unkempt long tresses,
skin tattooed with markings made with a blade
and a body and mind that have decayed.
All alone in a raging war against her own being,
she has a distorted view of the world she's seeing;
thinking that the world is a better place without her in it,
she's mutilating every part of herself bit by bit.
His lips, soft like the inside of a rose,
meet mine as the fire within my soul grows -
and suddenly the world stops spinning and time has come to a standstill;
there is only he and I in this moment along with love, lust and thrill.
His fingertips lace my skin, caressing my body
and fireworks explode within every part of me.
*He is the colour in my world so monochrome –
and being with him in every moment feels like home.
Her eyes used to shine so bright
until the world extinguished her light;
now she’s given up the hopeless fight
and lies beneath the earth, sleeping tight.
Another morning where the sun hasn't shined and her world is grey,
and her soul is tired and she can't think of a reason to stay;
instead she carves her skin with a thin thread of metal,
slicing words of malice on her thighs while it stings like a nettle.
Another hour of lying collapsed on the bathroom floor,
she's given in to the voices once more
and purged her body of everything within;
so full of hatred of the body she is in.
She began this civil war in hopes of maintaining control,
but in the end she's been consumed by the demons in her soul.
He wants to disappear
the way that sugar dissolves in tea;
just enough to be unseen but have his presence felt,
enough to end the pain others were too blind to see.
you’re a force to be reckoned with – a hurricane;
atypically full of love and passion instead of hate and disdain.
in a whirlwind, you ****** me in and wrapped your arms around me
protecting me from everything that’s ever broken my soul into debris.
Your love is a protection I never thought I'd receive;
trapped in every fibre on my being; now in love, I believe.
You treat me as though I am glass that might crack or snap;
overprotecting me and encasing me in bubble wrap –
you’re concerned I will fall apart so easily and become tattered
but you cannot break what is already torn and shattered.
The bravest thing I’ve ever achieved in my twenty-one years
is mastering the art of staying alive despite many disasters and tears;
I got myself through abuse, bullying and **** with no-one by my side
and, with time, battled my own mind and saved myself from suicide.
My heart is so tired of being in pain,
it tries to stop beating – an effort that’s in vain,
so I am left, once again, barely surviving
instead of feeling alive and truly thriving.
How much easier it would have been
if I had not been born but left unknown and unseen,
for I have known only tragedy and despair
and now I'm broken beyond repair.
The fiery blaze that burns within me
rises up like a scorching lava spree
ready to spill out of every inch of my skin;
triggering a kind of destruction to begin.
She’s a beautiful but fragmented china doll quite mystifying,
with torn wrists that bleed and bloodshot eyes that won’t stop crying -
questioning her sanity and at war with her mind,
she’s consumed by the despair that keeps her confined.
It’s an addiction like any other; it’s always the same story
“if I don’t eat as much tomorrow I won’t have to take these pills so purgatory”,
yet each day the dose gets higher and the symptoms get so much worse –
you’re dependent on the emptiness and pain it brings with its curse.
It’s worth burning myself out like a match
so long as others receive the light and warmth I dispatch.
Let me be brave* I say as I become the hero I need in my own story,
as I try to save myself from the demons in unknown and dark territory.