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  Jun 4 Samael
play the
joker, *****
the knave, covet
the queen, and tuck
the ace of spades under my
pillow on a ringed moon night,
but I am forever shuffling the same
deck of cards. Marked cards, imprinted
with loss and patterned with misfortune. Co
urt cards dressed in ill-fitting suits, each face as
familiar as my own. Four seasons, four pips; twelve
months, twelve crowns. One card for each week of the
year. Sequentially pred  ictable, and as underwhelming
as a rigged roulette wheel. U ntil, unable to distinguish
between the red and the    b    lack, the picture and the
plain, I fold. Void of      co     ntracts, and bleeding
widowe                            d blanks.
deal­ me in,
but deal me unpainted
and unmastered. Deal me clean.

‘If I can just have one last cut.
Do you have a plan for the new?‘
- Alice Notley, In the Pines
Samael May 20
Running around in circles in the February rain
She’s been here many times before
But never without the pain

The memories haunt her once pleasant dreams
Night after night having to deal with the unpleasant scenes
Turn off the lights, Lie down, and face the demons living inside your head

Ash to ashes
Dusk to dusk
Her depression is completely void of dust

The depressing sceneries fill her mind
While the shadows begin to drown her
Another soul is taken by the February Rain way too soon

Yet another February Defeat
Yet another soul has gone too soon
  Apr 4 Samael
With corrupted minds and dark souls
These monsters lurk not in the shadows
They hide not under your beds
But within you, they feed on your sorrows
Found this one scribbled on one of my old planners, this must be a product of the 3 am sad hour (based on the time I wrote there)
Samael Mar 9
The tears are backed up so much
I wish they’d come
I wish they’d run
And finally get all of my emotions to out of my headspace

A shell that’s almost numb
Run down from the lifelong fight
Often feeling dumb
And always in fight or flight

A father whom is barely home
A mother whom I only know over the phone
Ever since the last one left
I’ve been living in a basically broken home

Night after night
Day after day
I still feel the same pain
And still comes the same rain

Suicidal contemplation's
Consumed by anxious thoughts
Filled with my worst fears
And followed by my vulnerabilities and desperate actions

An emotionally unstable demon
One whom tries to be happy
But is beaten down every time
And left alone in his own minds creation of purgatory
....will this ever get better?....
Samael Feb 1
My dear, I am sorry for what I have done.
The past continues to haunt my present day actions and feelings, and I feel that has shown time and time again.
I sincerely apoligise for me being so clingy. Clingy enough to make you stay away from me.
I sincerely apoligise for me being so oblivious and idiotic whenever we talk. I often don't realise that you want to drop a certain topic, or that you are generally uncomfortable with whatever situation I put you in.
Please understand that I've never meant to cause you mental anguish, but instead, love and endless support.

I know that, in the end, you doubt most of what I say.
And I wish that I could so something to make that distrust go away.

Maybe someday you'll see the light in between the scenes.
Or perhaps someday the darkness of the scenes will overwhelm us both, and we will no longer have the need to worry.

Please come back soon... I miss you, and I need you here in my arms.

All the love,

Samael Feb 1
Although we're together again
I feel so far away
I miss having you here
I wish you would stay...

You're love is a medicine
It takes away all my pain
But I don't know if I can say
That you will love me for one more day
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