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1.6k · Jul 2022
It is in the Gloom.
Jasmine Jul 2022
that I find peace,
   a sort of push-it-away
   and give-myself-space

I am tired
of trying to compete
in a one mans race

My mother never taught me
how to he happy alone
she taught me that disossociation
  was peace.

this peace would eat me
I am a composting wasteland
the seagulls peck at my brain--
--I never knew such pain
  than doing things
   the wrong way
  I still pay
1.4k · Jul 2022
An update,
Jasmine Jul 2022
I was totally depressed
In a slump on my bed
Listening to music, but
Hurting my neck.
Straining my eyes, yet
Too tired to rest.
Picking skin
Murdering my soul
From within....
Maybe next time
I'll win
1.1k · Jul 2022
Until you came along.
Jasmine Jul 2022
I was simply shuffling my feet through life
Trying to figure out my left from my right
It took me only a moment and a glimpse
Into your eyes ...
I'd seen your face before,
And your smile.
It wasnt love at first sight,
It was loving my first sight.
And I loved it so much
I stayed the night.
717 · Sep 2017
The flow
Jasmine Sep 2017
Makes me want to move my head back
and sing like I'm dancing with the notes
its sad melody no longer means
looking back
and beckoning

It's melancholy
is only:
a beautiful pain
I would rather have within me
than be without.

It flows;
like its story is endless
from a childhood book
where the trees talk
in the woods.

Like a waterfall
to a beauty
ever lasting...
669 · Jul 2017
modern day tarrare
Jasmine Jul 2017
Is the story true?
that he would swallow animals alive
or is it simply exaggerated
to shock our own eyes.
I believe he was real, but the story
it just doesn't add up...
how on earth did he not throw it all up?

Tarrare still lives amongst us
in smaller doses on YouTube
people eating their way slowly
to new subscribers, and fans.

'Interview with a cannibal,'
thats there by the channel Vice.
And if you look a little closer...
There are more scary beings,
hungry for a morbid delicacy,
I wish I had never seen....

Tarrare truly seems to be
the most volatile and sick individual,
ever documented...
But did he simply eat out of choice?
or was he so ill he couldn't be saved
From his eventual demise.

Whatever the case,
versions of this man, they exist

and the scary part is.
we thought it was just him
This poem is inspired but the story of Tarrare, a depraved cannibal, and videos I've seen on YouTube, The Deep Web type of content and other creepy weird stuff.
524 · Aug 2017
no longer yours
Jasmine Aug 2017
I don't believe in love
The feelings come from one
And then the other
And they play
And they make it out to be
Like they are happy, themselves and free;
But no.
They certainly
Are not.

And when I make love
I make it for myself
Sometimes for you
But it's
For me.

I might not have anybody now
Or last week
Or month

But don't sing for me
Like I am a lost, wandering soul
For I have never been so indulged
With myself and wanting to please only
I am sinning in a righteous way
I am living in a selfish reflection
But I want to do what I love,
You see,
No one will control me.
333 · Aug 2017
as a child
Jasmine Aug 2017
I remember walking
In the wet soil
  damp smells surrounding me
     fresh, clean and moisture stricken air

           Distant sounds
Echoing in the vastness
              that stretched out and carried on
   Where cars drove past and disappeared

   I want to go out
  And get lost
327 · Aug 2017
so young.
Jasmine Aug 2017
Where did
All the fields of flowers go

Taken with it
All the laughter and growth

As she sings
I see the sadness sweeping her face

I watch
Waiting for the wind to dry her tears

shes so young

And I hope

She finishes her song.

309 · Sep 2017
fine wine
Jasmine Sep 2017
She no longer recognised her face -
- shallow and sad rippled in the tides
of broken bottles and glass staring -
- into her longing, deep and sad eyes
falling and no one can hear her cries -
- drowning in a sea of fine wine.
286 · Oct 2017
graceful grows within me
Jasmine Oct 2017
I was planted amidst the weeds
where feuds fermented
and accumulated
beneath me.

Despite growing;
amongst stronger and taller trees
where time tormented
and admonished
my deeds.

Even though;
the night sky has fallen upon me
burying me deep
in my own soil.

Graceful still grows within me;

like a dancer beckoning the room;

I am a flower in full bloom.
269 · Oct 2017
Jasmine Oct 2017
I repulse, myself
And want to start over.
Second thoughts,
Issues arising,
from a simple dose
of self-doubt.
And putting words
in one’s mouth.
All in my head;
an endless
merry go round.
Madness struck again,
tears flowing down
and I tell me; myself
for my sake,
“leave me alone”
253 · Jun 2018
My life is...
Jasmine Jun 2018
Burning faster than a haltering train
Shattering farther than falling glass
Colliding harder than a bulls force
Screeching louder than a feral cat
Seeping slower than a leaky roof
Speaking softer than a breath of air...
Slowly disappearing...
245 · Jul 2017
Jasmine Jul 2017
With the storm, it makes me less anxious and paranoid
About my own life and the uneven road it tends to navigate
because it reminds me of the wild, untameable world we live in
And how the fruit just keeps falling from the trees, it's unbelievable
How many ripened feijoas get squashed and then they are swept away by this storm

I should be out in that storm
With a raincoat, long enough to reach my ankles
Big enough to encompass my body in a cocoon of hopeful dryness
Some rain boots to protect my feet from the puddles and the sloppy slippery and gravely path that awaits me.

I could've saved those green and smooth feijoas
Or at least picked them up once I'd seen them on the ground.
But I chose to walk around them, ignore them, until the funky smell just subsided and they were washed away with the rain.
Next season I might just take them in a basket,
Sell them and buy myself some warm socks
until the storm subsides and I have
Made it through the winter.
232 · Jun 2018
murky waters
Jasmine Jun 2018
Her matted grotesque hair
Stuck together by old spiderwebs
And wet and sticky from the swamp
Her mouth agape with gunk trapped teeth
She untwines her hand and arm from beneath
Revealing a protruding wrist bone as she points
towards you before retreating back to the murky depths
223 · Nov 2017
Jasmine Nov 2017
Turbulent winds carrying me
I am bouncing through the air
Hurling trying to escape
Roll and fall down
Scraping my knees
It hurts me and I
Can’t seem to find you
But we
Were almost there
Why did your page close over mine
Why did I lose my self respect
I give up...
And I try again.
200 · Nov 2017
No remnants
Jasmine Nov 2017
Of you
And you’re gone
Tell me
What were you hoping
When you lured me?
But you don’t respond.
Now I’m gone...
No remnants
Of what never was.
189 · Oct 2017
Jasmine Oct 2017
blind faith
shrouded me in my own cave.
Please, let me break away
from this maddening state,
for my own sake.
Leave me with my means to create
but save my adventures for another day;
          another universe, soul, time and space.
Just take me to that place,
where I’m unafraid
and I will fade...

178 · Sep 2017
3 years later
Jasmine Sep 2017
It was summer

a beam of warmth
cradled us as we held hands -
kissing the mountains, hugging the trees...
Leaving a hue across the horizon,
as we watched it dip away,
like taking our toes
out of
the warm water.

It was winter

The cold washed me
with chattered breathing, alone
amidst the open winds and starved trees...
The trail was covered by snow and debris
as I watched the clouds fade,
like the memory
of you
will dissipate.

3 years later
164 · Jan 2018
Jasmine Jan 2018
Is the worst feeling
For I can feel the tension
The gripping in my skin
The heaviness behind my head
The calmness in my voice
Lack of enthusiasm,
Dull set eyes
Twinkling in the light
Wanting to stay moving... doing... being
So that it doesn’t settle as it is now
So that it doesn’t creep all over my body
Toxins wanting to escape my entirety
Toxins that you left within me
And if I wasn’t numb
You would’ve killed me.
155 · Sep 2017
five words
Jasmine Sep 2017
Captured me
Binded me
Warped me
Never saved me
Stood it's ground.

153 · Sep 2017
thoughts running nowhere
Jasmine Sep 2017
Heart palpitations
Sick feeling to my stomach
Eyes weak my eyelids hold their pose
In silence
I can hear the tiny gurgles and crackles
in the glass of drink beside me.
Nose is heavy
Head is full
I exhale and let it tap against the wall
I let it shift to the side
I want to merge into the sturdy timber frame.
Pressing my head back against it...
Thoughts running nowhere, I am lost in this pain.
My current state
150 · Dec 2017
Jasmine Dec 2017
His prey alert yet unaware
A mix of scent and fear
Unwavering stare
The advantage he has is unfair
And as he draws near
Only a slight stifle in the air
Saves the life of the deer.
146 · Jun 2018
I desire
Jasmine Jun 2018
the way you touched my skin
Like the shape of it was so **** to you
The curves, softness & tasteful imperfections
Tantalising me as you’d gently squeeze, rub
And smooth your hand over my body...
I will remember how we made it seem
Like the love we made was the best there had ever been.
144 · Aug 2017
so long, old self
Jasmine Aug 2017
I no longer want you
& your habits -
I only want
...the best bits.

That you usually save
till last
or end up eating
too fast

142 · Aug 2017
Jasmine Aug 2017
**** me
And my inhibitions
Trapped me like my child self

And your ignorance
shut me out like a bedroom door.

**** this
And the abuse
I bought to myself like a dysfunctional adult

Because you never helped me find a way out.
140 · Jun 2018
Jasmine Jun 2018
My heart told me it was love
.....But my gut told me to run
My head told me to forgive,
And give you a chance
......But my self respect
Bore the consequence.
My body told me it was lust
But my gut told me again
....To run,
And leave your mistakes
with you
And leave without taking a second glance.
140 · Jul 2017
the twisted tree
Jasmine Jul 2017
Embers and earth twirled and twisted by an elderly woman's hands
Scaled and swirled to mimic her skin; bumpy, broken and bruised.
Her soul shunned her body seeking a sturdier structure.
Jasmine Oct 2017
I would leave you
   with the darkness at night
        the black static seeping inwards
                        from the corners of my eyes
                as I picture the stars in the sky
    where hopes and dreams are alive
before they inevitably die.

111 · Oct 2017
Jasmine Oct 2017
our dreams
                 were within our grasp
and we dreamed
those days
                 would never pass
even if
          they went by too fast
                                        and it seemed,
                                                were never meant to last
                      nothing will ever...
Change our past.

I will remember that.

107 · Jul 2022
Where is the world
Jasmine Jul 2022
Where people aren't alone
In their homes sitting in the cold
In silence thinking, then counting time
Making up scenarios in their minds
98 · Jul 2022
Jasmine Jul 2022
The radiating circles of thoughts... patterns... songs
Trapped in an alert state of chatter
To oneself
Matters do not matter.
I imagine the peaceful oasis...
But it doesn’t silence my mind.
I feel it...
I realise.
But I was never told why.
90 · Jul 23
What is Reality?
Jasmine Jul 23
Why do I need to avoid reality? Because it is too difficult to face sometimes. Sometimes when we go about life worrying and having anxiety over everything we don't have time to slow down and understand the process connected with what is happening and thus trauma can unfold from many different scenarios throughout a person's life. That is no excuse for any erratic behaviour but it points  a fair question to the sceptic; the one who thinks that the way the world works for them; and the beliefs they hold, must also work for everybody else and we just don't question it and go with the flow of how life is meant to happen. You yourself may be unaware that sometimes you set your own agenda against others as soon as you judge their behaviour and put them in the good or bad bin. Let me tell you something, humans are not bred like cattle, we shall not be forced to walk a certain way in the same line to a destination that affects us the same. My death is not equal to your death when we eventually arrive at that point in life. Perhaps you will be in a hospital bed surrounded by shiny white walls and fake nurses, and I will be in a retirement home village watching the clock tick by as I await my favourite TV show. Someone else might by sitting in the comfort of their  own home beside someone that loves them listening to the music that always made their heart sing. Why do each of us not think of the other, at this stage in life and prior. Why do we look at one another as if we are merely animals, with sophisticated haircuts and lame routines? Well I don't fit in that box just like a bi ****** doesn't want to be called a ****. (Or they do.) But, that sort of leaves the point in the dust ready to be picked up by the wind and forgotten! Do not forget the very special and unique individual you are! Your needs matter, why on earth is it fair that  a man halfway across the world can sit with access to billions of dollars while you scrimp around for a measly amount of change you can spare to buy yourself some ****** takeout.
I edited a draft email I had prepared, to send to whom I don't know, perhaps myself. I thought I'd save it here because it will probably be deleted. I wrote this while I was (still am) in the midst of depression and trying to keep the people in my life happy. I read this email that I'd written, deleted the start of it which was me rambling about needing to buy myself new glasses and how using the internet and my phone was worsening my depression and my relationship with my beautiful children. Who are, by the way. well loved indeed by both myself and partner in crime. However, reading on, I realise as true as that "statement" was, the rest of what I'd written was also true and certainly had some place in my misery, I suppose. Art is and will always be my freedom from 'reality.' The responsibility and purpose in life get quashed by the ******* that needs to take place in order for the totalitarian society to continue to function.
82 · Jul 2022
Simply, words
Jasmine Jul 2022
Cannot change the world
for they are just an elusive illusion
Like the lyrics in a nostalgic song...
They are but a dime in a pool of water
where others' hopes glimmer.

They are but a pinch of salt
Thrown over ones shoulder.
A crossed finger..
A perfume that lingers..
They are simply, words...
words that still cannot describe
How it is even possible that you may sit there,
Be alive, have this thing called "life"
And write.

But you still write
76 · Jul 2022
Good as gone
Jasmine Jul 2022
I'm the strength in your subtlety
A fiery, burst of energy
And childish ideas.

And I needed your quiet composure
A patience, touch
Like no other

I had forgotten you
And you had forgotten me
At some place in time we had given our friendship away
Not to be mistaken by the true affection we did display

Take me back
To those days we first met
When you reminded me of
Someone I'd never stop loving,
And laughing with.
Jasmine Jul 23
(I'm Fine)

Another suicide note.
10:59am fri 20 March 2020.

I write.

I do not like to live life.
I do not like to wake up and start another day
I waste my time on the internet and don’t have any aspirations.
I used to do art and I was enjoying getting good at it.
Then I met a boy and thought my life had to change to just being a girlfriend wasting time and forgetting who I was finally learning who I was.
Because I never had that feeling as a kid
I didn’t like sports, people and mostly everything.
I just like to be lost in my world, away from the dramas at home, and exploring nature, playing games.
Now as an adult I have a son who turns 1 in April.
I’m sad I won’t see his birthday.
But I didn’t have the true intention that I should be a mum and I never knew I would feel this depressed.
Yes I’ve tried to get help but how are you meant to get help for a debilitating mental illness ? You would need the help to come to you but then you would have overcome your stubbornness to actually CALL for help. And by then you would be safe. But this is not the case for me.
I have decided I don’t want help
I have decided I genuinely give up and am too weak.
I care that " " has loving people in his life and is ok,
I care the same for " "
I am in the process of making drafts public because I thought why not, Also haven't written anything in a while and that might change at some point. Maybe someone can relate to this and it will help them, I wouldn't want this to worsen anyone's depression so take it lightly I suppose and from a perspective of someone you don't know and whom doesn't know you.
66 · Jul 23
What to do...
Jasmine Jul 23
Is it easy as saying something new
I'm trying to walk my way through the rain.
But I never found any way through the pain

Lost and forgetting what has happened thus far
You were like a part of me
That never quite blossomed
You were like the last
Thing I never said.

When there's so much more
When there's nothing more.

I'd give my whole life just for this
But why can't I have a simple thing like this.
I don't think I'll ever know
It's not like the past told new something new
It's not like you gave me the chance to do

The cold comes through
Reminding me that I still don't have you

I know deep down all I need is my own will
But I'll never have the strength to get through

I gave up a lot for you
You will never know the things I'd do

Try to make me feel this way
I will never understand why it's went this way
I tried.
Not too long ago.

I'm still knees deep
In falling snow
No it's not a beautiful scene
I'm still falling far from my only dreams
Another draft I'm making Public
64 · Jul 2022
Seeking shelter
Jasmine Jul 2022
I had forgotten how fast paced
And out of sync, I was becoming.
I had led myself to toxic thoughts
And broken sentiments

But I found myself here
After a while of trying to find
or fall into place with the hoards

What I once thought were tall structures
And happy, unpained faces
Were a reflection on the lonely
And blinded people
Amidst me.

I think I have found out
Even if just the slightest bit
Where my shelter is.
44 · Jul 23
A Short Love Story
Jasmine Jul 23
There was Beatrice and there was Fay.
And on one fine summer's day
Beatrice said to Fay
"Would you like a cup of tea?"
And Fay, she had her back turned, as she twisted the top half of her body around. Paintbrush in one hand, palette in the other.
"Sure thing," she smiled, and for a moment she and Beatrice locked eyes.
Their souls connected and intertwined
Another Random draft I'm making public for the fun of it.
Jasmine Jul 2017
your nappies are still decomposing,
You've left a mark on this world.
And you've probably had ***,
So you're also, disgusting.

You get dressed up like anyone's going to notice
Wool blend coat over a simple merino knit.

And then you go home and take a big ****.
Another random draft poem

— The End —