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this undeniable beauty of yours
captivated my soul
how this mess of a boy
came across this spectacle of life
cumulative of all good I see
what a trick fate had planned
I was glad and gad
I banned this suicidal sickness of mine
as soon as my eyes came across your gold mine
Having lost all hope of finding
I had spent this past year wandering,
with empty thoughts of mine
in hope of finding you
but when you came
as a flower blossoming in spring
you made it so I found no reason to complain

the laugh of yours
contagious as it was,
and dangerous as it was
purer still than the smiles I had forced
for now I see, reasoning in me
to pursue the light
for at the end of the tunnel
is where you stand
your hand open
empty for me
and till now I had given my half
wary of perhaps a sudden depart
but you stuck close
closer than I was for you
but never will I ever
let you stand alone
its your life over mine
its like my mind
has a life of its own,
getting happier still
I'm finding more reasons to bring
more joy in this world
finding in you
every reason for good
it all started with you
and I wanna see it all the way through
We all hope and dream of finding the one. Similar to all of you is my circumstance, wondering what it would feel to have that special someone, sitting sighing in my loneliness, I thought perhaps to write this poem. Maybe when I find the one, ill giver her this poem on her birthday. Maybe that's how things will turn out, but heck who knows.
A beautiful afternoon,
filled with a focused book reading.
The cigarettes i smoked,
absorbing me in my own sadness.
With every particle of smoke,
I saw the ever so small hope.
Hope of there being an attraction,
no, it was more so of a need.
I saw the conversation we exchanged,
had previously thought of responding later.
Naively picking up the phone, to hear from you again.
The words we exchanged took an unfortunate turn,
there was an argument and an exchange of words.
I was the nervous kid trying to explain my nervousness,
and while you were arguing for me to stop acting that way.
We still argued, naively.
Perhaps if I paid more attention to what you wrote, it might have been better.
But emotions absorbed me, and now I felt cornered. Felt as if you were angry, as if I couldnt speak anymore.
So then I approached , the friend I thought most reasonable to answer
for the embarrassment had all but emptied me of thoughts.
And he did write, in his own arrogance, a most hostile of the answer,
with words of accusations, words of defense and thoughts provoked by misinterpretation.
So then you wrote back, angry and surprised, for you knew not
that this was what I thought of you But you had all the reason to think so,
even though I did not.
And so you requested, that I may relieve you of my prescence,
given how strongly I came off, given how strongly the arrogant idiot of a friend
had royally ******* me.
So I made a last attempt, to salvage from the reckage of this friendship that I sought so much more from. Apologizing at every end, for the mistakes for the misinterpretations,
for being an *******.
But it seems I had hurt you, and I had hurt the impression you had of me,
for now my face would remind you of only those strongly worded things "I" said.
For now you would  never feel comfortable talking to me, after knowing what I truly felt underneath.
But I tried, and I tried so much to apologize, but my cowardice could not explain the truth
the fact they were not my words, the fact I was scared,
the fact I was embarrassed.
And I broke it beyond repair, and you kept insisting as subtly and kindly as you could,
for me to stop talking
and I kept apologizing, to no luck it seemed.
Alas, I gave in, and tried in my best and most friendly way
to agree to your terms,
but you phrasing the decision as my choice, made it ever so hard
But I guess I made the right choice, for maybe I deserved this
maybe after certain knockdowns I might actually learn.
But I knew what I thought, that I wont like so many things,
about this one unique person, for such a long time,
ever again, and now I stand speechlesss,
of how I escaalated things to such a
level, and I know
I was just a friend amongst your small list
of a relatively larger social circle,
but never was I so open to someone,
whilst being so emotionally closed.
Alas, my fear has caused my reckoning,
maybe if I was more open,
maybe if I was more honest,
maybe if I was a better friend.
Maybe if I had written that response myself,
perhaps, im better off alone.
weeping in my sorrow and pain,
but what hurts more, is I was just
another friend, and not even a good
one at that apparently.
The poem speaks for itself, its a testament to my **** ups, and perhaps the monumental sign of my need for becoming independent, the need to take my actions myself. nonetheless, hope every one of you had a good read.
My floating state of mind
As skipping stones and
Making notes

Wandering about,
Keeping this boat afloat

I wish to have company,
For I have been stranded for far too long

Accompany me please,
Let's light this ocean of dust

Reminiscing of waves that were,
The tides of love that made us burn

For together we danced
In a state of trance

Under this Ash filled sky,
And we merged together,
Our love into amber.

You mustn't wander too far
You're the only thing keeping this boat together

For my heavy heart, it seems
Will only sink it deeper

But you will leave if you may,
These dreams of mine can only pray

Of an ending,
That leaves this heart depending,
On more.
The long lost cries
Are but distant memoirs of foolishness
Why conform to my misery?
When I have all that I need
Why the want to be great?
When I can just be
Why the feeling of disappointment?
When I'm not failing
Why the anger and envy?
When I can choose not to care
Why be like I am?
Why I can be how they are
Why must I be like this?
Why can't I just be?
If ever you feel angry, if ever you feel a failure. If ever you feel as if your past had a brighter future than your present, well guess you're in the same boat as I. No need to worry too much about it. We all need time. Time to figure things out, time to sort ourselves out.
Depersonalization as described,
Is the idea that you,
Become more than deprived of you
Imagine a window,
And you're looking outside,
Only you see your life,
Played through your dreary eyes
To completely illustrate however,
Let's step aside,
Now back in time
To when you were lost,
Looking around,
And crying for mom.
But now you're again that child,
Again looking around,
Crying, searching
Only you know mom's not around,
And no one's coming.
It's you.
Only you.
Searching for something.
Even you don't know.
Make this go away
The eerie irritability
Of this disgustingly demeaning state
I find my myself in,
The essence of my existence,
Every bit of what creates me,
Grosses me to my very core
It's a phase, a recurring feeling.
Only once in a while,
this once in a blue moon sorta thing
Makes simply existing a chore.
The minor failures,
Become large enough to make me forget,
All other achievements I worked for.
This face turns quite simply, ugly
As my pride and self respect slowly rots
I turn into a hallowed figure, crawling
Wanting help; support,
Clinging to the first thing I find.
Worst of all,
I know it only last a few days
And when it's gone,
I'm empty again.
Is it my need for approval,
My weak character,
Can I not stand on my own.
What has all this come to?
Oh look, it's that point in my life. Again
I've moved on,
Now to the unknown
My head imagines silhouettes,
Shadows that once were you
I've forgotten who you are.
And now the silhouette's changing,
Slightly flickering.
I see a curly haired maiden,
The utmost beautiful smile,
Definitive is her beauty,
Adored by all.
Wearing lose clothes,
None that outline,
Those curves we so much follow
The way she dances,
A little bit of shyness,
A little bit of confidence
Such a present to the eyes.
And the silhouette stands,
Flickering still.
As if awaiting further instructions,
Should I allow it to Change,
When I know it's another cycle,
Now perhaps even longer.
Or should I let my imagination run free,
So that at least in my mind,
I can smile,
Dream the undreamable,
Think the unthinkable.
Sigh* what a life
Maybe one day,
I'll stop
Eh, what's wrong with a lil day dreaming
The tides of fate are shifting,
the right is wronged,
and the wronged right.
Yet here I stand,
with an empty satchel,
Wandering the streets of fate.
That they hold something,
prizes that once were lost,
or just a hint.
Hope at least, that I might find.
Find which has been lost,
and claim it mine.
Yet here I sit, with a broken mind,
and a lost soul, searching for purpose.
Here I sit world, give me what you owe,
for I can search no more.
The hope that once was,
is no more.
The life that I hosted is no more;
I have lost all meaning,
Yet I sense, not despair, nor sadness,
indifference is it?
Perhaps that is my curse.
Observer the plethora of emotions,
observe all that I am missing.
Yet I keep wandering,
That one day I might find meaning,
Is this my curse?
Do tell me world,
that I might what what im looking for.
Enjoy my friends,
or laugh, please do.
stare, humiliate and entertain,
live your life but not as i've lived mine.
Be proud for this pit you've put me in,
For you had the last laugh,
where as I can't remember.
Or recall, when I had mine.
Am I paranoid to think so?
or mislead to believe,
believe that all that you have done,
All was in the name of friendship.
So laugh at me,
and shout with all your might,
every curse you can think of.
Since this will be the last time that you do.
I'll push you away,
push away the lot of you.
And I can't take it any longer,
was this what you wanted?
Thank you nonetheless,
for now I sit laughing,
laughing at myself.
At least, I can laugh again.
so there I saw,
in this group of a society
hell-bound on publicity
this young maiden, a year or so younger
Ill be honest I took a liking to her.
And we newly admitted members of this musical cult,
were placed upon the podium to present our next approach
I tried my best to project a good impression
On her and others,
on her most of all.
And I came prepared, freshly dressed,
a make-do cologne,
generously lent by a friend
to hide that hideous musk of cigarettes id spent smoking
Id say I handled things well.
With the meeting adjourned,
we all went our own ways,
surely, we'll cross paths again.
alas, a week or two later,
they gave us a duty, placing us together
and while I knew it was a task for one,
id take my chance to get her input,
work with her,
so the next time we meet,
we may converse abit more.
Was it my shyness,
a hesitation to not go out of bounds,
or just a mechanism developed from past failures,
that I made sure to stay professional.
And ive just got this wierd feeling in my chest,
and i cant tell it from one or the other,
but I guess Ive taken more than a liking
So I pause,
considering perhaps knowing more,
and so I use the magical bits in my pocket
to show me what she had shown herself to be
awaiting disappointment,
I think im more than happy,
I should be glad
i think my liking grows,
I found she writes, she sings
oh..she writes
this beautiful combination of words
molding the environment to her needs
projecting it how she likes
and that just hits...
but with each discovery my chances just...
And i painfully strangle my interest,
dimming that spark in the chest
controlling my dreams, or thoughts
whatever they may be
I know i may be reaching for a branch
higher than I can jump
and I know, the more I know
the more it grows
I think its just been too long since ive felt this way
I may as well be experiencing,
more than a feeling
but I feel as though im only craving
its just a feeling, it'll go away
atleast thats what they all say
So as I sat,
With her besides me
About 2 feet apart
Watching all the others work
I thought of what I wanted to say
And felt cold sweats emerging
It's been too long since I last
Felt this way
Too long since I had to do this
My head turned towards her
But slowly shifted
Heavily breathing
I turned my head again
A little less this time
And looked in the distant,
Hoping maybe she'd talk
5 minutes of this and I had enough
So I gathered some courage
And just blurt out what came to mind
Smirking, she replied back
And as I kept making things up
I realised
I'm not the shyest person in the room
And that's in itself
A rather confronting
Somewhat confusing of a feeling
And as the extent of what I could think
Crossed my lips
There was silence
And we both just sat
Confused to say the least
Wondering if maybe
She just didn't want to talk
When you have to
Hype yourself up before you speak
Repeat and rehearse your conversation
You're never really
In a place to lead conversation
And you'd think
You'd hope
Other's would take this job
But now I find myself stuck
The point,
Ah yes,
The point being
There is none
Thing's just get wierd
Wierd enough
That sometimes
You struggle to figure out
What really happened
2 hours of this
2 hours of silence from her lips
And once we our work was done
She left
Yes, I've written a **** one. But just needed to get this thought out
How magnanimously meaningless are the
false falsettos of fiefdom
To each his own
but to own is the delight
capitalist **** preaching catalytic crimes
all swallowed down as wine
and you can gloat and dine,hey;
whatever floats your boat
but listen here you ignoramus
my **** spews out more truth than those
booths of your dedication to your religion
you so proudly sit with.
so don't associate me with yourself,
and don't confuse this rant of mine with
a libertine declaration
of being a free living millennial
ill avoid mention; you rotten ****,
adopting whatever you deem cool, hey here's an idea
jump into a newer bandwagon, ill drive,
sooner or later everyone will expect those cries,
when your all seeing eyes will have you expecting your demise,
as i drive off of a cliff,
oh wait, am I suicidal?
quite simply diabolical
enough to sacrifice to satan
my tainted soul
so i can see yours cry to the Gods
each of you so declared false
about a minute before
perhaps in these meaningless mumbo jumbo of words
you manage to find meaning,
but deduce from reading, a reasoning
your hypocrisy is as apparent
and as dangerous
as it is contagious
fret not, i wont stop
the next time you adopt
a more popular of the plots,
my questions will act as a glock,
locked on your head, but you would much rather
avoid death than accept
the dread of religious abandonment,
you've lost all my respect.
I tried to mimic Tim Minchin, rather his style, but out came this wierd, not meaningless, definitely structure-less stream of words that just sounded fun to read out. in other words=== words. read. fun.
The choir of petroleum driven mechanisms,
A stuttering siren for the ears.
Standing on this sidewalk, I sink into my thoughts,
As the chirping birds aid my imagination.
Of a scenario so beautiful, it brings a smile to my flat face.
The evening turns lovely, and as the sun sets,
I find the moon, rising above.
With one hand on my phone, and one hanging,
That only the blowing wind touches, or rather strokes.
Thus an unfamiliar situation almost seems normal,
Every soul I spot seems to be,
Just as similar to me as my own reflection
Our problems are as common as the feeling of being normal.
I had a visitor,
A victim of the bludgeoning's of love
He talked of books,
wearing a Tolstoian mask
Something out of fiction,
like that which you fear
We talked,
and with each remark,
I saw a darkness slip out
Much to my shock,
it accompanied his shadow
Like his mind wasn't his own,
and his words were just gone,
replaced with those out of old romance novels
There was a sickness in him,
a void where his heart should have been
His skin turned pale,
his face dry
And all that which made him human,
was now an artifact of his existence
for when he was done,
he was no longer
In his place I saw thorns,
that were once love, lust and anger
Each ingredient that made him human,
now mocked him and his soulful thunder,
There was a visitor,
A victim of love,
A battle he had lost
Grown too frail and old,
In the prime of his life,
struck down from his stride
I buried him today,
but the grave's still open
I pray he returns
I pray he still knows love,
Your caring friend Pablo
We fight a terrible battle, for we think science can explain this thing called love. It sure can and it sure has as hell can't. But I know not many that had loved as much as you had, and too see it fail, my friend I can only offer my sympathies, for love is a thing I do not know but I know it is the only thing you knew. Warm regards, and hope for recovery is all I can offer, get well soon, my friend Afatsum
Not once did I find,
In your heart a spark
But you lit mine up somehow
That's without a doubt
About a year or so
I lived without
A mind of my own
Driven by your thought
So when the spark died
I searched for a thought
But I can find none now
Been too long since your depart
That sweet spot.
Between sleep,
And complete consciousness
Where dreams and reality,
As if floating in space.
Nothing is concrete,
Nothing abstract.
All emotions watered down,
Like drowning in whiskey.
And I look through,
This glass bottle I'm trapped in,
To the endless infinity.
It extends,
Now in sleep and consciousness.
Becomes meaningless.
I feel sleepy,
But just as I close my eyes,
I wake up.
Stuck in phase,
Anxious now.
Where do I go from here?
Questions, questions, questions
I saw a familiar face,
sitting under the burgandy tree.
Memories of where we once used to be.
now there’s a phantom,
occupying your place,
smiling creepily, waving at me.
Legs crossed, heart locked,
the key missing, with an arched back.
Short hair, cute glasses, cunning mind.
You’ve lost me now,
treachery, deceit, yet a gleeful memory.
Dark skies, bright clouds,
the thunder on your skin,
electrified my soul.
You’ve lost me now.
The departure set off a chain reaction,
what did I do to be the sole surviver
of your plan,
I swear I don’t understand.
The knife you stabbed still bleeds today,
yet I keep the wound open still,
wondering if you would come back to me.
The burgandy tree, has gone black,
the leaves have fallen
you haven’t come back
yet I see phantom,
she’s sitting under the burgandy tree.
O sweet memory,
I admire you
Whilst you allow,
Travels I cherish.
I would wish you had let this one burn down
20 years now, you take me back
15 or so,
To a small boy watching cartoons,
There visited the neighbors daughter
The same age as I am today,
perhaps older.
Clutching in her hand, those colors
Stickers, those red and blues
The kind you'd find from 2 cent gums.
He asked if she'd lend him a few,
Reasonable for a child of his age.
So she demanded a trade,
a bad deal, indeed, the boy was played
But it seemed innocent enough.
It was just a kiss,
A joining of two set of lips,
For a second or 5 more.
And he did, naively so, kiss her.
For what did he know.
And it meant nothing to him,
He felt nothing.
But now that he recalls,
This incident, as he puts it.
It's different, he knows better now.
He knows what it was,
He knows what it could have been.
There's shame, there's embarrassment.
The feeling of guilt, a secret for the grave.
He knows the mockery.
And at every thought of this small act.
This thing he would now consider so intimate.
He's taken back,
And he can do is watch.
It is what it is, would have it any other way.
A small sparrow it deemed,
too frail to fight back.
lacking the power to withhold the attack.
Had put up courage it knew not of.
This fight was lost, but the damage was done.
The frail creature vowed to catch up,
For at first he backed up,
now with thirst unquenched,
it set off.
Each day, it flew.
Flying higher than its comrades,
Crossing the boundaries of those who fell back.
But a glance it seemed,
of a peacock, it deemed,
far too beautiful to see,
Had made it stop its journey.
And so as it approached it,
returning from the skies it deemed its own.
The peacock vanished, and the roof above closed.
Nowhere to go,
lost in its journey.
It fought for what it lost,
but now it floats,
with deviations of suffering,
its loneliness fluttering,
as the wings that it grew.

And it grew old,
Losing that which it once owned.

The pursuit had kept it blinded for long enough,
sparrows were never meant to fly high anyways
This is attributed to perhaps a general thought that a song had brought about. Perhaps it is the state of my sentiments, perhaps of a what-could-have been pursuit I lost. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy the read.
For weeks I spent,
This time amongst familiar faces I knew.
19 years and counting still,
Remembering the walls of the room,
I spent thinking about everything.
That familiar scent in the air,
From the make-shift ashtray I had filled.
Remembering the memories of friends,
Or so they seemed.
But I was glad, alone and happy
Sometimes sad.
In the room, where nothing needed to be rational.
I could cry when I wanted to,
Smoke when it felt like,
And curse when it was needed.
But most of all I was alone.
They said it wont help me,
Locking myself In a cage of secrecy.
What else was there?
Should I have spent time around more of those who didn’t care?
And as I sit counting days for me to return,
Return to this familiar land.
The more I find myself longing for change,
Was it really helpful?
A look at the list of unanswered messages,
A recall of memories of humiliation and self centered proposals.
I made the right choice.
This is what I was meant for,
Staying in the dark utopia I had created.
My soul binded to the isolation I had created,
And I craved every minute of this.
Away from every lie,
Away from every urge for contact.
Just me in this isolation,
Absorbing me into madness.
And I loved every minute of it,
For that is my life,
One better than the lies and clichés I despised.
The unmistakable feeling
as an analog **** turning left
my emotions had numbed down
but a little more to left
and that can be a pain
How much can one change
in one sitting, all alone
how low can one sink,
as dissolving into a mess of emotions
the weekly cycle of misery
has left me all the more empty
more a pain then an inconvenience
weakening my mind with every wishing
a need for normalcy
can I not identify my state
and expect to live in it
The needless need for nagging
the endless endurance of empathy
at a point, there isn't anyone to bother
self love I presume is the answer
but I hate myself far much for it to takeover
this, unmistakable feeling
has left me all alone.
what more do I add?
Hello wanderer
I came today
And saw that you left

For the first time in a long time
Did i feel alone

So you, came
Encircling the sky

With an unbroken spirit
Unlynched, unaffected and free

Tell me friend, how do you do?
How can I be free?

Do you have the keys?
Do you know the keymaker?

I've tried finding one
But these chains are too heavy

Their locks too complex
Too complicated, too human

And the prices they proposed
I'm afraid I can't afford

My chains are slowly
Becoming one

Slowly combining,
Slowly seeping into my skin

And now I've become too heavy too fly
Gravity's gotten stronger

Tell me friend, how do you do?
How do you see, with those eagle eyes of yours?

The sky's too dark
And these glasses aren't coming off

The doctor suggested a lighter,
And so I took

I lit, and I smoke
The price of seeing is but a substitute

And the last time I saw,
It was all so much brighter

**** I start wearing these lenses
And now they're not coming off

They've left things darker

The price of flying,
Has all but left me broke

It's left me weighted,
Left my eyes weakened,
Left my heart darker
If I could just be free
We, as humans,
Tend to retract.
Our reflections,
Tend to change.
And the claims we make,
Are no less stable,
Not much longer to stay
Than specks of dust,
Waiting to be wiped away
We're all hypocrites,
In one way or another.
Like the man who preaches religion,
And then is revealed to be an adulterer,
Like the girl who claims to not care,
And then jumps at those who conflict her,
Like the boy who wants to be alone,
But is secretly depressed,
Wanting someone.
Like the man who believes in individual opinions,
But blasts those he finds wrong,
Like confident dude, who leads situations,
Only to be putting up an act.
We're all liars, we're all hypocrites,
In one small way,
Or one major aspect.
People know us,
As much as we allow them to.
They know not,
What we want, need or persue
And sometimes,
It's better to not believe what they claim,
They're probably lying anyway
Upon finding certain things of people, we may find ourselves to be angered, sometimes intimidated by the image people provide us. Just know, it's probably a farce, there will always be something to surprise you and if you live that way, you'll find them to be abit more bearable
'Have an aim?
Good for you.

What's it about?
Ah. I see.

Do you have anything else?
Oh. Too bad.'

The persuit of uniqueness
Is nothing more than a saddening realisation.

We're not prodigies you and I
But what we have is far greater.

We want. We crave. We desire.
And that my friend is a gift most unique.

We don't care about trends.
Nor of what were 'allegedly' capable of.

The want exceeds the limit.
And the limit is a facade.

An excuse for those who couldn't.
But those who want, ignore the bs.

We fail, and then try. And fail again.
But the fire still burns. Now brighter.

For the fire is eternal,
And so are we.

But the doubt, the doubt is the fear.
The fear that has a dark road.

Once initiated, it can destroy.
Destroy all that we believed.

But all you need, is a reminder
A reminder of who you are.

And you are the persistant,
And you are eternal
This is in response to the question 'so tell me about yourself'. I can't count the number of times I had nothing to say because everyone around me was as I felt far superior to me and far unique. So it made me wonder if I wasn't completely bland and useless. I hope this helps, for it took me days of wondering to figure what it was that led to where i am today. And this is for you too. Good luck.
Frustration, rather circumstancial
Leads me to believe,
I'm no more than a fluke.
How I've come this far,
Only to be,
No more,
Than ordinary.
I found myself,
Or rather thought,
I'd find someone,
And move on.
A new chapter of life
To look forward to,
But that's it.
That's all I've thought.
Nothing more,
Nothing less.
Weirdly enough,
When you draw up hopes
Too high for your own good.
Life has a subtle way to,
Throw up on it all,
And that is in itself,
What grounds you down,
Never fear,
Never mourn,
You'll learn,
Might even yearn,
To do things differently,
Think , differently,
And move on.
Things I think, I try not to think about, I wonder i can change

— The End —