The leaves are changing
The air is heavy
I know you've been here before
And all you want is to not feel the same
Each morning offers hope
That today you'll receive the key to your cage.
But still you're trapped
And I can see you start to suffocate
And I can't lift this weight off your chest.
But I would offer you my last breath
To relieve just a second of this stress.
I don't know if you'll hear the leaves
Crunching beneath your feet
Or if they'll be green or brown or just not around,
When your heart stops racing
And you can breathe deep again.
But I know your strength will be rewarded
And your pain will ease.
I know one day soon, you will be free.
I used to drink my poison straight from the bottle.
No warnings would stop me,
No crystallized rim could sway me.
I was thirsty,
So I drank.
And when the nausea came and my vision blurred
I thought "this is how it feels to be loved".
I figured all drinks had a little something
Slipped into them,
This eliminated the element of surprise.
So I drank my poison
And I shut my eyes
And I let the ringing in my ears sing me to sleep.
But I'm trying to be good now,
And I'm taking my medicine
And oh god is it sweet
And although my poison was true to it's word,
I know now I misunderstood.
Because my poison was no ill-equipped soldier,
Doing the best it could.
My poison was just poison.
It was just doing it's job.
And now my body hurts from the years I abused it,
But this medicine makes me feel warm again and the nausea is gone
And I'm scared there's still poison left in my veins.
But I know that my medicine is stronger,
I know it's gonna keep me safe.
The pain of leaving you is creeping in,
Am I detoxing the opiates in your skin?
My fractured heart is in its mould
Held together with hopes turned cold.
The time will come for it to thaw
And expose the damage from a love so flawed.
As it crumbles it will take its bow,
For it's only to blame for the state it's in now.
Maybe one day we’ll meet again,
When our hearts are finally free.
And I’ll hold you close right till the end
Baby, just wait and see.
I really don’t blame you
For expecting the worst.
When the friends I thought true,
Could see my name cursed.
But I am no threat,
I am not poison.
And I will not let
The lies that they’ve chosen
Get under my skin,
Or seep into my blood.
Because I know that within,
My heart is good.
There is no motive,
There is no plan.
So please forgive
What you think I am.
I wrote this when I thought I was the problem
Baby I just wanna get drunk
A little something to get me outta this funk
Maybe get some smoke into these lungs
Laugh at terrible jokes and finger guns
Play some old records that I hate
While you tell me why they’re so great
Get freaked out at how fast time goes
I’ll fall asleep on the floor in my clothes
Just a chilled night, nothing crazy
I just wanna get drunk with you baby
I could try to weave
Or mince these words,
Through gritted teeth
So it won’t hurt,
Oh if only you had, dear,
When you dripped poison
In my ear.
You broke out my ghosts
And let them play,
So what I loved most
Was stripped away.
But I won’t cower from their laughter,
See death is first
And life comes after.
I wish I could say
You didn’t leave a mark,
But I’ll get through the day
And I’ll embrace the dark.
And when your kingdom crashes down
Don’t expect me
To be around.
See I’m carelessly cautious,
I’m Completely incomplete,
And isn’t it obvious
And isn’t it sweet.
I’m exactly how you wanted,
I’m not yours
But I’m still haunted.
The results are undeniable,
My fears are justifiable.
I know you mean no harm,
But I’m a sucker for your charm.
I mean, on paper, you’re ideal,
But I’m already losing what is real.
I’m tripping over words inside my head.
I don’t know what should be left unsaid.
Polite smiles are well and good
But I would scream if only I could.
I feel my demons scratch my tongue,
Trying to silence what I’ve become.
I’m running out of space inside my mind,
I just can’t be who I left behind.
I am honest and I am strong.
So why does that now feel so wrong?
And I know freedom isn’t free
But I’m begging you not to break me.
I’ve never been good with moderation.
Or at least my heart hasn’t.
See I can handle my alcohol,
And I don’t touch drugs.
It’s people that trip me up.
I get attached
And if I let you in,
Then I’ve given you a part of me
That I need.
I need you, so I can be me.
I can’t do things by half,
It’s all or nothing with me.
And sweet irony strikes again.
See I’m too much,
And therefore not enough.
I've been thinking about your lips,
And of the people who met them before me.
And I just can't comprehend the finality of that moment,
That your lips touched theirs for the last time.
It's been 8 hours since I kissed you last
And every fibre of my body is longing for you;
To feel your breath between my lips,
To ******* future on your tongue.
Urgent and delicate;
Because no one kiss is ever enough.
With my fingers in your hair
And your body pressed against me,
I'll pull you closer still,
The space between us though barely existent is far too great.
I can still hear your voice in my ear,
Breathless and whispered.
Say my name.
Yours rolls off my tongue without control.
You've got me so high,
I don't ever want it to end.
Your kiss is in my veins,
And I need another hit.
I'm a little high now baby
I'm a little
Flash me that smile and
Take me to bed
I've put ink in my skin,
To simulate healing.
For the most part it works,
I regain some feeling.
And that's why I am
The girl that you see,
Through so many attempts
To get back to me.
I'll get ink over scars,
But they're one and the same;
They both stand to show
That I've overcome pain.
So I'll cover this body
With these works of art
To try and distract
From my marshmallow heart.
She used to call me by my sister's name,
I guess I can see how we look the same.
But now she looks at me with pain on her face
As she can't find a single name to place.
I'm almost afraid to see her again.
Forgetting me is no longer an "if" but a "when".
I thought it would take longer but it's getting worse,
Mistaking her home for a hospital and me for a nurse.
I can see her eyes are full of fear.
She blinks. She's forgotten I'm here.
Sometimes I think I'm over it,
And sometimes maybe I am.
But it doesn't mean that I forget
The sting of your raised hand -
How could I?
I know you think that we are fine,
But my smiles are a lie
I think about it all the time.
Now maybe it was all the drink,
Or you're just not angry anymore
But tell me what am I supposed to think
When you walk through that door?
You've stumbled home,
And I can see that glazed look in your eyes
I still make sure that I'm not alone,
And tell myself that I'm not five
Riddle me this;
Was it as bad as I recall
Or could I not see that it was mostly bliss
Until you sometimes hit a wall?
(it was never a wall)
But still you made me who I am,
See I promised myself I'd never settle
For another hateful little man,
I'll wear this strength just like a medal.
So maybe I should thank you,
How ****** up would that be?
I don't know maybe I'm confused
But I'm **** proud of being me.
Tough love or hate; I still wont break
So hey look at me now
Can't you see I'm ******* great
Come on and take a bow.
Thank you / *******
I don’t know where home is anymore
No cherry blossom trees
But a roof over my head
And a fold-out bed.
I’m not the same me
That I was at seventeen,
Scars and the sea
Kept her from me.
I never built any bridges
Just a rope ladder with frayed edges,
So my hands may be splintered
But I’ll make it back for winter.
See I don’t know enough of life,
To try and make this right.
Because this family, in reality,
Might be strangers to me.
And I don’t have the strength
To break again.
I don’t know where home is anymore.
— The End —