Duty is an act of violence put on is the second we are born into the world.

The second I picked up the crown I was covered in blood that belonged to no one but myself. The throne looks right at me. The sword lays at my side. It bore my name long before I took my first breath. There is one rule and I will follow it to my grave.

Despite all of my attempts I have never been healer. I blame my ****** up parents. I hurt people and they leave and I am alone in a room full of silence. I sing to try and forget, but it does not work.

There is a home waiting for me with someone else, in a town I want to breathe in. I will leave this town quietly and at night I will tremble but he reaches over and touches me like a prayer for which no words exist.

In my nightmares the one who hurt me says “I love you” and all of a sudden my anger feels like a curse. I don’t know if I was born with anger in my veins or if it stuck after a while but, it’s all I have.

Being alive is a sin. My anger is a sin. God taught me guilt when I was about nine. I haven’t let it go since. I will die tired and when I go I will go somewhere good. I hope it’s good because hell is nothing but doubt, which I’ve felt my whole life.

Let me be free.

I lay in bed at night asking the ceiling “but how can I sleep with all of this blood on my hands and the weight of the world in my head?”

My heart feels full and empty at the same time. I just really miss you. 930 miles seems like it’s on the other side of the world. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. But, I hope I do. Hope feels like nothing more than a dream. So I’ll let you go and I’ll let you keep coming back and hope one day I can wake up next to you on a warm sunny summer day, make us coffee and thank the universe for the hope I held onto when I felt both full and empty.

I only knew you for a month. I met you and then you were gone. As quick as the change of seasons here in Illinois. But I get it. I get why you left. I would too. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. If I only get to know you for a month that’s ok too. If you ever decide to come home I hope you find me. I’ll continue on with my life and move along with the changing seasons and smile when a boy tells me I’m pretty. I’ll wonder what you’re up to from time to time and pray to whatever God there is that maybe I can see you again soon.

I don’t think about where you might be anymore

I don’t think about who you might be with

I don’t know you

You don’t know me

We were young

We didn’t know any better

I thought the sun would never rise again

When you left

But it did

And I grew

And so did you

I wish I could record
Every word you spoke to me
Every glance you took at me
And rewatch it over and over
Just to feel the
butterflies in my stomach
The redness in my cheeks
The smile on my face that wouldn’t leave
I wanted to replay you
Over and over
I wanted to write a 12 page essay
On the way your hands moved when you spoke
And how you would brush your body
Up against mine
Even though you knew
You weren’t suppose to.
I want to meet you for the first time
A million times
I want to watch you
For the rest of my days
And pray to god this feeling never
Goes away.

I’ve been begging life for years
To be kinder
Softer
And when it’s not
I stop and think what did I do
Wrong?
I was the problem the whole time.
I was not kind
I was not soft
I had walls built hundreds
Of feet high.
I had thorns sticking out if every
Crevice.
How could I ask something to
Be kind
When I couldn’t practice it myself?
I asked the universe to take these
Tall walls
And thick thorns
Away.
I said
“If you won’t give me kindness, I’ll give it to you. I will be soft. I will be forgiving. I will think before I speak. I will be better.”

So life was finally calm. Soft. Kind. And so was I.