I miss the comfort of being sad. I miss those nights when I would cry every tear I had inside me. I miss the relief I would feel those nights. I miss knowing what to expect when it came down to that ache inside my chest.

you were telling me you loved me
while you were having a child with her
you promised me forever and always
but i was nothing more
than a temporary phase

It’s been exactly one year
since the day that started my downfall.
It’s been exactly one year
since i was broken beyond repair.
It’s been exactly one year
since I lost everything.

i didn’t fear death until i almost died.
i used to welcome its cold grasp.
i used to wish it upon myself.
now all i want to do is live.
i want to feel the sun on my skin.
i want to see my family live and grow.
i want to love again.
i finally want to live after 8 years of pain

you’ll miss them
you’ll think of the good times with them
you’ll try to justify their behavior
you’ll break every time you hear their name
you’ll be constantly looking behind you
you’ll worry that they’ll come after you
you’ll lose trust in those you love
you’ll be broken for a long time
but you’ll eventually get better

I thought we were forever
together til the end.
A story fit for a fairy tale
but you were the dragon
and I was the princess locked in a tower.
You took away my friends and family
made me dependent on a drug.
Always and forever?
We didn’t even last to September.

I can tell I’m getting sad again,
because the words just won’t stop flowing.
I can tell I’m getting bad again,
because I can’t go a day without seeing your face.
I can tell I’m spiraling again,
because all I think about is relapse.
I can tell I’m falling again,
because my days are filled with fog.

i hope you rot in hell
i hope your corpse decays while you still occupy it
i hope you sit in a cell
counting the days
like i did while with you
you kept me a prisoner
you hurt me time and time again
you made me hate myself
but now i hate you
i hate you more than i hate my r*pist
because he destroyed me one night
but with you
it was every night for nine months

i’m sick of the sleepless nights
where i am kept awake with anxiety.
i’m done with the constant calls
where you disregard my feelings.
i’m over the days you ignore me
because you have something “better”.
i’m getting rid of you
to prioritize myself.

i blocked your number,
you got a new one.
i blocked all your accounts,
you used your friends.
i told you to leave me alone,
you contacted me anyway.
so now the law is involved,
and you have to stay away

every time you yelled
or threatened to leave,
i told myself it was because you loved me.
now i realize
how toxic you were

i should have let you go
the first time you threatened to leave

i know i should delete our texts,
our pictures,
our memories.
but i don’t feel ready to get rid of you,
to remove you from my life.
i know i should block your number,
your instagram,
your snapchat.
but it feels so absolute.
i don’t feel prepared to live without you.

I still love you,
even though just seeing you hurts me.
I still love you,
even though you were clear that it was over
I still love you,
even though you never loved me.

addiction steals everything from you.
it takes your life and steals your soul.
my mother no longer see me as her daughter;
she sees me as just an addict.
my friends don’t see me as their own;
they see me as someone who hurt them,
betrayed their trust,
destroyed our friendship.
addiction is no simple thing.
it takes and takes and takes
until you are nothing but an empty shell.
addiction is hell

you don’t know how horrible addiction is
until you have been controlled by it.
you don’t know how easy it is
to completely surrender to
something that will **** you.
you don’t know how despicable it is
until you are at deaths door
because of addiction.

you chose her before i was even an option.
you lied again and again,
saying i was the one for you.
but she is the one you married
and i’m the one left here.
i have so much to say to you,
but you aren’t listening.

I said i was going to get clean weeks ago.
I said that my last sack was my last.
I am stuck in the cycle of addiction.
There is no escape for me unless i want it
And I feel so much better when i’m high
So my journey on this path continues,
Only to be stopped by death or jail.

I used to be in your shoes,
leading people on
making them think they had a chance.
I leave a trail of broken hearts behind me
so maybe this is what i get.
You ripped my heart out and stole the rest.
You ruined me,
But still, I love you.

I keep saying that I’m going to stop using.
I’ve told my therapist and my friends,
but I start to get overwhelmed
and feel the need to relapse.

I make it one,
maybe two days,
before I’m chasing the high,
and ruining my life.

The longest I’ve lasted
was 25 hellish days.
But even after confessing,
I came back to my vice

I will shout your name from the rooftops,
I will tell everyone what you did,
I will share my story to all who listen,
I will remove all power from you,
I will do whatever it takes,
to make you obsolete.
I will do whatever i need,
to make you meaningless

you may have hurt me
but you did not break me
you did not destroy me.
i will always be stronger than you
simply because it’s the truth.
you are nothing
and that is what you will always be.

you told me that you’d be here
forever and always,
but that turned into a lie,
and ended in 7 months and 20 days

you kept me alive when all i wanted to do was die,
but now you’re the one killing me.

I am trying to recover,
recover from the assault,
recover from my addiction,
recover from my trauma,
but everything I do feels like enabling my issues

I started the drugs to numb the pain,
an attempt to forget that almost r*pe.
My life was out of control,
one step away from a rope or pills.
I’ve been destroying myself,
to try to feel like myself.
I’m trying to accept the fact
that i am not yet dead,
that my story did not close on that chapter.
I’m trying to get sober,
trying to be human,
trying to be me,
but all I can see,
are flashbacks of that night.

I am so in love with you.
Anytime i hear your name,
My heart beats a bit faster.
every time i see your face,
my pulse skyrockets.

But i’m not the one you really want.
I see it in your eyes.
When in bed with me,
She clouds your mind.

If i could choose between,
your happiness and mine,
yours would come first anytime.
I’m just not good for you.
And you’re not mine.

When you see her,
your face lights up.
Your eyes shine like stars,
but i will never be her.

My love for you,
outshines my issues.
You can make me smile,
like no other,
but i am still not her.

I’m sorry for my problems.
I’m sorry for my flaws.
If i could pick and choose
There’s no choice to make.

You may be the one for me,
But i do nothing but fill an empty seat.
My body is a placeholder,
for the girl you really want,
And i am not her.

It has been 5 long months,
since the night that almost ruined me.
For 5 months,
I kept secret what he had done,
but you have been there for me.
My rock,
My stability,
My protector.
Only recently did I report his actions
and the detectives say
that nothing might happen.
But I am on the road to recovery.
If I were alone on this journey,
I would’ve passed long ago,
but my savior has been there for me,
lighting my path home.
I won’t call myself a victim
because I will not let him affect me.
I will call myself a survivor
when I can forgive myself
for what he did to me.

Five months ago,
my life was almost destroyed.
The things he did to me broke me.
I tried to ignore what happened.
I tried to cope with it alone.
But five months ago,
I was sexually assaulted
and only now,
am I doing what I should’ve done then.
The law may not be able to stop him,
but my family and friends will protect me.
I wasn’t able to stop him from hurting me,
but I will do everything in my power
to keep him from doing any more.

I don’t want to call myself a victim,
even though what you did destroyed me, made me question life,
question myself.
I’m still surviving,
still working towards meeting myself.
Not the person I was before any of this,
but the person I will be after I’ve healed.
I am not a victim
because I do not feel like one.
I am not yet a survivor
because I am not yet over it.
I am still not myself
because you still haunt my life.
Right now,
I am just a person.
One who has been dragged to hell
and is just starting to crawl their way back.
You tried to end my story,
but you were just one bad chapter.
I am the one controlling my actions
and I will not be destroyed by yours.

I once had a step-brother.
Everyone knew he was bad.
But when I revealed what he did that night,
everyone was stunned.
He tore my life into pieces,
shattered my mind and soul.
He almost stole my dignity.
He almost took it all.
That night, he did more than hurt me.
He made it impossible to live.
But then I started fighting.
And i can’t forgive.
He broke something inside of me.
He almost drove me to **** myself.
He almost killed me himself.
So now, I’m an only child.
With him left fighting the law.
Because if you try to hurt me,
I will fight with tooth and claw.

The pain I feel is much too great.
It’s a giant beast
inside my brain.
The ice I give calms it down.
But the high it feels is so short lived.
As soon as it wakes,
I’m in pain once more.
Mental shockwaves destroying my core.
The drugs numb the pain inside.
They help me want to live at night.

Let’s get high together.
Spend the rest of our lives together.
Just for one night
Be my now or never.
Life’s too short to be alone forever.
These drugs are too strong to live whenever.
Let’s overdose and take tonight together.

I started the drugs as a way to feel okay.
I didn’t go all in
I just took a few pills.
Now I lay awake at night regretting
what i’ve smoked,
what i’ve snorted,
what i’ve done.
I can’t escape my addictions.
I can only escape this body of mine.

I was carried away from the garden,
in the arms of a man
who stole my soul.
He first got me addicted to him,
then the ice.
He now owns
my mind
my body
my soul,
and there is no way to escape him.
I don’t yet want to escape him.

I’m used to pulling all-nighters.
I’m used to very little sleep.
It’s the story of every insomniac.
But when I take a hit or do a line,
I’ll be awake for days at a time,
staying high enough to chase awake sleep.
I am on my fourth day of a binge,
and sleep continues to evade.
I don’t know if it would be worse
if i simply wait out the comedown,
or if i continue my breakdown.

I want to say that i’m in recovery.
I want to say that I’m getting better.
I want to say that i’m over it,
over you.
But it’s just relapse after relapse.
Hit after hit.
Line after line.
Night after night.  
I’m stuck in a cycle of abuse.
But you’re not the one hurting me.
You’re not the one destroying me.
It’s the drugs
and the late nights.
And myself

I keep telling myself
“Just one more hit”
“One more line”
“One more night”
But every time I see you or the ice,
my addiction is back once more
and i’m left looking
searching
begging
for a high like the one i got from both of you.

The worst drug I’ve ever encountered,
is the one that makes everything disappear.  
It makes all your ails go away.
It makes everything seem okay.
I could survive the withdrawals of ****,
but I don’t think I can cope with the loss of you.

I jump from obsession to obsession,
each more addicting than the last.
At first, it was an eating disorder.
Then it was cutting.
Then it was him,
the one I thought would stay.
Then it was ****,
who destroyed me more than the others.
He was the one who showed me ****,
and now he’s quitting.
But I am in love with her.
I’m infatuated.
I’m addicted.

Appetite suppressants can be dangerous
when you have a history of EDs.
It’s so easy to lose yourself
when you are high as a kite.
It is so easy to drop 5,10,15,30 pounds
when even thinking about food
makes you incredibly nauseas.
It’s so easy to relapse into old behaviors
when you are fulfilling the dreams
of you from long ago.

I gave myself to you,
but you broke me into pieces
just to cut lines.
Now all that’s left of me
are small shards.
Drugs won’t break your heart,
but you were my addiction
and you destroyed me.

Hands shaking constantly,
heart beating out of my chest,
mind racing a million miles a minute.
Unable to eat,
unable to sleep,
barely able to choke down water.
Pounds disappear from under my skin,
down almost 20%.
Random bruises appearing,
my cuticles always bleeding.
I want to say I don’t enjoy it,
but the euphoria is worth it.
My queen loves me,
my ice queen,
my methamphetamine.

I don’t know which i miss more,
You?
Or the drugs?

None of my friends know about the time I spent addicted to the ice.
I was losing weight faster than normal,
over 20 pounds in three weeks,
and I just said it was stress.
I had dark circles under my eyes
and my skin lost all color.
I picked at every little flaw
and tried to hide it all.
They will never know about my time with the devil.
Or how he still owns my soul.

I want to say that I didn’t love the burn,
the one single tear falling.
I want to say that I only did it once,
but that would be a lie.
I want to say that I loved it more than you,
but you introduced me.
I loved it as much as I did you.

Everyone says that I look exactly like her,
but they don’t know how similar we are.
We have faced the same demons,
tasted the ice from satan himself.
We have fought the same beasts,
trying to avoid our addictions.
I may not get along with her,
but I walk the path she did,
and I can only hope to not lose my way

I felt as though i’d wandered into heaven
when i did my first line.
I felt untouchable and perfect,
but addiction did nothing for me.
As the pounds fell off my body,
I realized that i sold my soul to satan.

I was raised in the church.
I was taught that God, the almighty,
is kind and merciful and great.
I was taught that He has a plan.
But how can I believe in a god
that did this to me?
How can I have faith in a god
that has cursed my bloodline?
How can I love a god
that has never shown love to me?
How can I believe in a god
that has never believed in me?

There’s this girl
who spends her nights laying awake,
wishing to find a reason to live.
She goes through each day fighting,
trying to survive to the next.
She has been hurt so many times,
more than anyone could count.
Her trauma outweighs her will to live.
Her brain tells her that she
does not deserve to live.
She is me
and I will not stop fighting.