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you say mental illness is a big deal until
i am sitting surrounded by trash in my car because its the only place i feel safe
until
i am crying when i wake up because i don't want to wake up
until
i am searching through pictures trying to find a scrap of light
until
i am sitting on the bathroom floor drinking the half empty beer i found in the recycling
until
i get attached to the drawings on my legs and cry when they go away
until
my plants all die because i cant water them
until
my pets die because i cant feed them
until
i starve myself on accident
until
my room has to be heavy or i cant breathe
until
i block everyone on my contacts list because i feel like they are watching me
until
i cant run anymore
until
i cant walk anymore
until
there is nothing left but you still want more
Richard Smith Dec 2020
A new year a new me
The mantra of the masses
But people rarely ever change
Unless it really matters
So let’s have a real new year
Don’t set the silly goals
Just pledge to do the best you can
And keep a happy home
Richard Smith Dec 2020
Looking in the mirror
I see the man I am
Not perfect but surviving
Doing everything I can
To provide for my family
Give them everything they need
Hoping with my being
That they see my tiresome deeds
I wish to put my feet up
To finish with my work
But I know my family needs me
And for that I’ll never shirk
Richard Smith Dec 2020
Sitting silent
Watching, hoping,
Asking, wishing,
Begging to be noticed
Wanting to be helped
But knowing ignorance
Of the situation
Of destitution
That falls upon
The unfortunate
Invisible
Richard Smith Dec 2020
I sit alone
In my own company
Looking at my younger self
Through time jaded eyes
Wishing to give
Some learned advice
Wanting to share
The wisdom of age
But knowing
His time is past
Richard Smith Dec 2020
I still get baffled
Every day we are together
What you see in me
Is a mystery

I cause heartache
With decisions made
I believe are right
Though they make you rage

My good intentions
Are mine alone
I find no words
To make them known

But every day
You are with me
You choose to stay
And not to flee
Still after 18 years my wife is with me enduring the stupid decisions I make for what I believe to be in our families best interest even though more often than not it ends in tears
Richard Smith Dec 2020
In the gentle quiet
When most are fast asleep
The velvet night envelopes
The people as they breathe
The deep breath’s of the resting
The murmurs as they dream
As all the stresses of the day
Are melted right away
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