So many year later
and I stll keep trying
to wake up just one night
without all this crying

More dreams of us
laying in bed
Smelling your hair
Stroking your head

Why did God grant me
a second chance with you
Couldnt he have waited
Till I was a worthy boo

Maybe he was just trying
To show me a better way
Yet the deamons in me
threw it all away.

Those deamons feel gone
My head again is clear
Yet I just lack direction
Because i cant hold you near

I thought being with you
sounded so neat
Its all i ever wanted
to make life complete

So i crawl back under
these tear soaked covers
Having to hold on to the dream
That we will once again be lovers.

But that is so selfish of me
This i do know
Please God make it happen
Or help me let go.

Everyone says you must first
love yourself to be filled with glee
But what if all i ever really needed
was to be with my Marilee

I know how to make you leave
But how do i let you go
I will always be haunted
for turning our sunshine into snow

Started out was simply for fun
A weekend with the boys and the white dragon
We all got spun.

Came back home to the kids and wife
Decided to keep that white dragon in my life

Was working way to much but makin good money
Thought the white dragon could help, aint that funny?

Slowy began the descent of all that does matter
White dragon stomping on my life
You could slowy hear the splatter.

From 100k a year to fired in no time at all.
But that couldn't stop my need for another 8 ball.

Next gone was the family and I promised to quit
Bolted from rehab in less than a bit
Cuz that ****** White dragon was telling me, I need another hit.

Gone was the respect and trust of everyone I admire
From a great guy to a loser and liar.

Hated that evil ****** and
Needed him gone in every way
But when the dragon ran dry
I would chase him all day

From a house and a nice car
To sitting behind bars
How could i let it all go so ******* far.

10 years later and Dragon been gone for three
Praying for babies to one day forgive me.

So ******* white dragon for all the damage you have done
Might as well of shot me in the head with a gun.

You crushed my soul and crippled my heart
******* white dragon for tearing it all apart.

My heart is full of love,
It’s soft like a rose pedal
Yet my head is filled with hate,
Like a bucket of shrouds of metal.
My heart is warm,
It has learned to let things go.
But my head is cold,
Like a winters first snow.
It never forgets anything,
All the damage that has been done.
The harsh words of  a loved one,
That still pierce it like a gun.
My heart forgives,
It only wants to love.
It’s filled with it,
From the man above.
My brain keeps yearning,
To reach a similar level.
Yet it keeps punishing me,
Like it is straight from the devil.
My heart only seeks peace,
To be filled with joy.
My brain is always at war,
Like the battle of Troy.
My heart forgives others,
It fills my day with glee.
My brain is a constant reminder
It loathes me and betrays me.
My heart will never give up.
I hope it will lead the way.
Maybe my brain will ease up.
I so yearn for that day.

A night filled with dreams of love
It was like you were almost there
But then I awaken to loneliness
Warm hearts now iced with despair

These night are the hardest
They start out Heaven built
But always end with me in tears
Filled with remorse and guilt

How can I have been so stupid
I can honestly say.
To **** all trust and love
To drive you away.

They say with age comes wisdom
Yet I do not seem to ever learn
I continue to hurt the ones i love
For which my soul will forever burn

My battle with addiction
My battles within my head
Have taken everything for me
And left me for dead.

The guy with so much potential
Intelligent , charismatic an incredible heart
Yet a head filled with demons
Dooming me from the start.

God heals all hearts
He can take away our pain
But what does he do
with a ****** up brain.

A half century has passed
My life should be at its best
But that again is just a dream i awaken from
Heart again ripped from chest.

Destined to be alone
My heart to not share
Thank you brain
For this cross I will always bare.

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse

There were no stockings
There was no one to care
No one would be calling
No one would be there

Because I had ****** up
Turned my life to into death
Lost my family and my career
To a drug called ****

It was my new love
The white dragon I chased
It was such a great high
I failed to see what i erased

Friend were all gone
And so was the money
For such a fun drug
It sure wasn't funny

Clean now 3 plus years
Focused and staying on track
Just wonder dear God
Will I ever get my life back?

So I sit her this Christmas Eve
Feeling lonely and sad
Wishing even ST. Nick would stop by
For even that I would be glad.

Merry Christmas *******.