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Lorrin Jan 27
Hot tears and empty loneliness.
Sharp razor kissing soft flesh.
Whiskey breath. Seeing in threes.
Warm bed and soft caresses.
Gentle kisses. Soft love.
What does 2 AM look like?
Lorrin Mar 10
I spent so long just trying
to hide the words inside
I don’t know how to say them
but heaven knows I’ve tried.

You’ve let me down another time,
and worst of all is this:
I’m not surprised about it,
I’m just deep in my abyss.

I cannot say a single thing.
I cannot tell you how
your lack of care still hurts me
all this pain that you allow.

It digs and cuts so fiercely
the bleeding just won’t stop.
I’ve given up on trying.
I’ll just bleed out every drop.

I’ve spent so long all quiet
with my words all bottled up
I’ve lost the will to say them
and I just don’t give a ****.

I’m always left forgotten.
Placed in the back to sit
brought forward when convenient
and you never give a ****.

I see I’m unimportant.
I’m not woven in your life.
But I wove you into mine, love
and know I need to find a knife.

To cut the cords that tie you
to the fibers of my heart.
But You’re woven in so tightly,
It’ll rip me clean apart.
Lorrin Jan 28
Armadillo - dead on the road
I wonder why he was crossing.
Armadillo - broken and cold
His body the pavement embossing.
His banded shell will move no more
Forever staying curled
He’ll never reach his grassey shore
Or see his path unfurled.
Ode to that dead armadillo I saw that one time
Lorrin Feb 3
Your frightened eyes look to me for
How can I hide that I’m frightened too?
Scared I’m
Too slow
Too ******
Not good enough
To fix you
Help you
Heal you.
I try to keep moving
I try keep strong
But inside I’m terrified
“What if I’m wrong?”
“What if I hurt you?”
“What if you die?”
It’ll be all my fault
When your family cries
I want to help
I want to heal
To ease the pain and fear you feel
I’m not enough.
I’m not enough.
I’m not enough.
My heart bleeds with you
my hands will shake
My voice comes out strong
You don’t see.
You don’t see.
You don’t see.
The me that goes home
Slams her whiskey
And cries herself to sleep.
I didn’t save you.
I couldn’t help.
They tell me I’m
But they don’t see
The me in the mirror
The me that bleeds
I’m not enough.
Not enough.
Not enough.
From the bleeding heart of a paramedic.
Lorrin Feb 26
I am a part of a broken generation
Our economy
Our climate
Our very way of life
- broken -
I am apart from this broken generation
I will strive
To fix
To heal
To love
The hatred that spreads like cancer
Blackening the hearts of the world
I will stand apart
I will love the broken
And heal the hurting
And perhaps
The next generation
Will be a little less broken.
Lorrin Feb 20
Falling through the sky
stinging cold makes the world right
a blanket of white
Lorrin Jan 25
Dichotomy, I am two.
Which is my real self?
Maybe more, I'm fractured though,
I don't even know myself.
This one here and that one there
which version of me will come out next?
I do not know, but this is sure,
I long to find egress.
Solidify and unify
Please these fractures hurt.
Jagged edges rend and try to take away my rest.
Lorrin Jan 23
Empty life echoing in all the empty space.
Empty life of buying things to fill the empty place.
Cram it full and maybe then I can find some joy.
Fill it up with all I want, with every little toy.

Empty words spoken out, meaningless and void.
Empty words and promises are only empty noise.
Fill the void with anything, it never is enough.
It’s always there, hungering, but never filling up.
Lorrin Feb 1
Downy feathers float
free without limit or care
aloft in the blue
Lorrin Mar 10
Hard and black, interspersed with bright sunshine.
Empty abyss spaced with warm glow.
Crossing everywhere, leading nowhere.
Cracks appear
to be filled and ***** again.
Accompanied always by a pounding roar.
Glittering insects follow their paths,
diversion leading to disaster.
Lorrin Feb 12
What’s the point
What’s the ******* point in any of this
What we do what we say
No one gives a ****
Everything is meaningless
Everyone will leave
What’s the point of trying
When all we do is grieve

This endless ******* circle
That eats away my brain
I hate the way I’m feeling
My soul is steeped in pain

But there’s not a way to fix it
It’s just round and round again
I wish that I could do it
I wish that I was brave
I’d pull the ******* trigger
I’d slice the sharpest blade

But here I sit, a coward
Lonely and aware
That nothing really matters
And no one really cares
Lorrin Jan 30
Her wand'ring mind doesn't know us,
but we're written on her heart.
Her spoken words have faltered,
they've stopped and just won't start.
Her shaking hands no longer hold
the ones she once held dear.
Her eyes see blind
and her ears no longer hear.
The memories she had of me
are slipping further each day.
Her glassy eyes are showing
she's here, but gone away.
For the grandma I never got to know, because Alzheimer's took her mind away long before her body.
Lorrin Feb 1
Hold me closely as your bones.
Grab me tight and don’t let go.
Let me be a part of you,
I’ll  hold you up and see you through
all the dark times you may see.
Never alone, always we
who face it together, never apart.
Hold me closely as your heart.
Lorrin Feb 16
All of my feelings
I hold in my heart
But my heart has a hole
And nothing will stay
It will fill for a moment
But then will depart
My happiness drains fast away.
Empty and numb
This hollowness echoes
Mocking with all that I lack
I try and try but never can manage
To take that happiness back
Lorrin Feb 24
Hope is a beautiful lie
that preys upon your soul
it's siren song is whispered soft
and claims to make you whole

Within the midst of every gale
It’s voice is in your ear
“Just keep going little one,
the end is almost near.”

So you press on stoutly trusting
those  whispered words are true
You fight and trudge all the while
Convinced you’re almost through

But Hope has lied once again
And now you look to find
You’re only deeper in the gale
And your life was left behind.
Emily Dickinson was incorrect
Lorrin Jan 27
People search and search and strive
they choose one way to spend their lives
blindly following what they want it to be
ignoring Hope's Fatality.

They listen dumb to Hope's happy lies
and ignore Death's dancing in her eyes
"Choose away you foolish child
choose the thing that keeps you mild."

One day soon you'll surely see
the truth of Hope's fatality.
Lorrin Jan 28
Would you hate me if you knew
all The love I pour on you?
Would it scare you, make you run
how I wish you were the one?
Just look inside my heart,
it was you right from the start.
But I was scared and ran away.
Now I always rue the day
that I stepped into your light
and you swept away my night.
Cuz I’m addicted to that shine
but know it never can be mine.

Would you hate me if you knew
How much I just want you?
Lorrin Feb 21
In the end
Don’t remember me
Remember how I made you feel
In the end
please don’t be sad
I only ever tried to heal
In the end
When I’m gone
I hope you’re happy and free
In the end
Bury me in a garden full of trees
With an oak for a pillow
And a blanket of sunflowers
In the end
Let me brighten your life
Just one more time
Lorrin Jan 29
There is a bird I hold inside,
she’s very dear to me.
I hold her deep and hold her tight
so close that most don’t see.

She’s small and meek and gentle
as an August’s tender breeze.
She’s proud and strong and fierce
as an eagle in the trees.

She sings a song from deep inside
so softly most don’t hear.
But there are some so close
in love they listen and draw near.

She’s a shimmering mirage -
different each time you see.
Free to wander free to change
as swiftly as the sea.

She changes as we walk through life
sometimes good, sometimes bad
But she always carries memories
Of the good times that we’ve had.

Soaring high above the clouds,
her spirit flying free,
with her wings she holds aloft
a little piece of me.
Lorrin Feb 13
Sleep won't come.
The gates of my dreamland remain firmly locked.
The hands of time turn slowly,
inching away in agony.
Is my life to be one sleepless night after another,
one broken dream after the next?
Why does my head feel so utterly blank?
Why am
                 so utterly
Lorrin Feb 15
Lost in a sea of indifference,
my soul aches but my heart is numb.
Stumbling through waves of sorrow
my heart is numb.
My mind wanders, dreams, longs,
Something unknown, out of reach.
It wanders into black and wonders
                                     should it return?
Return to numb longing, reaching,
hoping, despairing.
Wandering ever into black.
Lorrin Feb 23
Sometimes I feel invisible.
I feel all too visible.
Perfectly seen.
Utterly ignored.
Lorrin Mar 15
Isn't it dumb?
How my heart works.
It latches on
- all or nothing -
But the things that I hold
All crumble to dust
And leave me with nothing
But shattered hopes and an empty heart
Lorrin Jan 30
Chasing fireflies in the star-flecked night,
watching lightning burn by so bright,
carving deep powd'ry rifts through the snow,
my big sister and me.

Teaching me to tie my shoes,
math problems come in ones and twos
all that seems so long ago
for my big sister and me.

Then, for so long, you went away,
with me missing you every day.
College came and went so slow,
but my big sister was back with me.

Now you've gone away once more,
and won't come back like you did before.
But that's alright because, you know,
I'll cherish the memories of my big sister and me.
Lorrin Jan 27
It's already gone but I still can't let go
the chance that I had and the things that I know.
The ghosts of a future that never will be
still echo before me and haunt all I see.
Lorrin Jan 31
The screaming presence of silence.
The sharp chill of the world around you.
The grey haze that covers your eyes,
and the heavy ache that leadens your heart.
The ghost of a body not present.
The lack made all the more apparent for the wanting.
The building pressure of all the love inside you,
with no one on whom to bestow its warmth.
The sharp ache, as that love turns to stagnant poison
building up and lurking inside of you.
Lorrin Feb 8
When I was a child
I was taught we are born with a god-shaped hole in our hearts
So I tried
To fill that hole with all the god I possibly could
But still I was empty
So I built a mask
And covered the hole
Because what else could a “good Christian girl” do?
I desperately hid my emptiness
until you.
You saw my mask for what it was:
A lie to hide my misery.
You saw the toxic lie long before me
And you opened my eyes to the truth.
You were the spark
That burned my mask away.

And I am finally free

The void exists in all of us
And we all search to fill it
We try gods of every form and color and character, and once we realize gods are worthless we try:


What fills the void we all hold?
What? When we are all just lonely animals existing
and longing for more.
Lorrin Feb 7
Love is a poison that must be given to others
Before it can be neutralized.
To stay only within
Will burn a hole into the heart
Until it can love no more.
Lorrin Mar 2
No monsters lurk underneath my bed,
but many prey within my head.
Monsters of my own design
they lurk within and haunt my mind.
Whispering my deepest fears,
they follow me throughout the years.

I try my best to shut them out
ignore the vicious things they spout.
But every time they start to prey
they know the perfect thing to say.
Things that leaden down my heart,
things that come and won't depart.

They whisper deep within my mind
of things I've lost and cannot find.
Things gone wrong and things awry
they view my life and whisper "why."
"Why are you here, why not just leave
you're not even wanted, no one will grieve."

Temptation is there, opportunity knocks.
So many options to leave this foul box.
This cage I've created that lives in my head,
this small voice that whispers, "You're better off dead."
But **** them completely, at least for today.
For at least one more sunrise, I've chosen to stay.
Lorrin Feb 16
I collect my tears.
And keep them in a bottle.
Not one shall escape from my grasp.
Not one shall escape for my fearless façade
would ***** and shatter like glass.
This bottle can only hold so much
before it is ready to burst.
Its river runs fast and cannot be stopped.
This bottle I hold is a curse.
Lorrin Feb 6
The easy path I thought to take
Has grown up many thorns.
The easy life I thought to make
its glamour down has worn.

Away it’s gone, away from me
swiftly into the dark.
Everything I thought I’d be
has hidden from my mark.

Veiled away by stormy clouds
my plans fade swiftly away.
Hidden among the darkened shrouds
they dwindle more each day.

Please, oh please, just make it clear
where it is my feet should go.
What my life should be from here,
please I need to know!

My unknown path is veiled away
still hidden from my sight.
I’ll follow towards the light of day
And put to rest the night.
Lorrin Feb 4
Circle and circle - around it goes.
pulling him outward
before anyone knows.
Sinister core
flawless face.
It catches - corrupts - consumes
scorning his father's grace.
Eating the mind
decaying the heart.
Fearlessly marching
when did it start?
It started so simple,
It started so small.
Now look how its grown,
eclipsing it all.
Lorrin Feb 4
A blanket of blue
atop the world's great shoulders
full of warm delight.
Lorrin Feb 5
many times
I think I’m almost over you.
I think I can move on.
I think I can find someone to love
and have them love me back.
But then,
we talk
and I see you smile
that ****** smile.
I see
The way your whole face lights up
and your eyes twinkle with mischief.
The sardonic wit
and the kindness buried underneath all your hurt.
And then I’m stuck again
Stuck loving you.
Stuck seeing
that ****** smile.
Lorrin Jan 23
Her pretty picture’s painted,
Her canvas all stained red.
Her mind’s still ******* haunted,
There’s still screaming in her head.

The voice is getting louder
Where can she find release
She tried to lose her razor
But she couldn’t find her peace.

She longs for sweet surrender
And the solace of the blade
It’s siren song is calling
It’s voice cannot be stayed.

Why is she all alone here
Why is her world so dark
She thought she’d found a savior
But she’d sorely missed her mark.

The ones she thought to count on ,
Have fallen all away.
She cries aloud and wonders,
Why does no one ever stay?

Once again abandoned
Once again alone
The cycle still continues
She wonders where is home?

Where is a soul that listens?
Where is a heart that cares?
The silence only thickens,
The darkness only stares.
Lorrin Feb 11
A speck of rage that quickly spreads
throughout our hearts and to our heads.
That tiny thing that starts so small
will quickly make the body fall.

When anger flits across the mind
vengeful deeds are quick behind.
But stoking up that angry fire
will burn the one who starts the pyre.

When pain is what you wish to serve
pain for you will be reserved.
If you become your anger's *****
your path will lead you to the grave.
Lorrin Mar 15
Let's play a game of Russian roulette
I’m the only player
So go ahead, place your bet.
I’m not scared, let’s have some fun
You bring the liquor
I’ll bring the gun
I know I’ll lose, but that’s okay
I’ll end it quick,
I don’t wanna stay.
Lorrin Jan 27
She paints a pretty picture
with her paintbrush running red.
Her laugh rings out the loudest
to drown the screaming in her head.

She paints a pretty picture
her paintbrush gleaming bright.
Curled away inside herself
to make it through the night.

She paints a pretty picture
to hide her every flaw.
Falling ever shorter,
she’s reached her final straw.

She paints a pretty picture
with her canvas running out;
her smiling face is silent.
Inside she longs to shout.

She paints a pretty picture
her canvas soaked with red.
She cannot paint another ******,
this painter now is dead.
Lorrin Feb 5
Sometimes I touch the heavens
I take a leap and taste the clouds
I feel the rush of sky around me
And distance myself from the world below
I am utterly free
And all I can do is smile.
Skydive once. You will fall in love with the sky and then you can never let it go
Lorrin Jan 26
                    You're drowning in your imperfections.
                    There's nothing left to give.
                    The emptiness drills a hole within you.
                    You wonder what it is to live.
                    The numbing blanket falls away.
                    The pain will make you bend.
                    The silence screams around you.
                    The night will never end.
                    The dawn's slowly coming.
                    It never is.
Lorrin Feb 19
Save me,
I'm drowning
In all the tears I've left unshed.
Catch me,
I’m falling
Away from hopes I’ve left unfed.
Heal me,
I’m broken.
Hopeless voices fill my head.
Leave me,
I'm fine.
My lonely path looms up ahead.
Lorrin Feb 3
Slowly rising now
over mountains the sun comes
to welcome the day
Lorrin Jan 31
A man kneels gently down
tears bubbling in cloudy eyes
cracked hands hold close
her cross as he softly cries.
Lorrin Jan 30
I’m afraid of the silence.
That’s when It comes around.
I’m afraid I will hear it.
I’m afraid of the sound.

The Devil Within
creeps up, then it starts
to whisper my failures
and darken my heart.

The noise is my safety.
I’ll drown it away.
My mind quickly fractures
the more that it stays.
Lorrin Jan 23
Good and bad are associations
Of feeble minds
Red. What is red?
A blood-soaked war or a velvet drape.
A lashing of fists may hurt for a week
turning purple, then blue, and green.
But the power of a word
can outlast it all.
It echoes on forever
echoes again and again
Raining down fresh blows with each recollection.
Lorrin Feb 14
There is a universal fear we all hold inside.
To walk this world alone without a hand to hold.
We all crave the love of another.
We all fear a life lived without.
Why can we not be satisfied with ourselves?
Why do we crave the love and attention of others
at such a deep
that people will put up with
just to feel some semblance of love or affection?
Lorrin Feb 7
When we met you were shining,
vibrant and alive,
fearless to the world around you.
I watched from the sidelines as you conquered your world.

Then we were friends and I learned of your darkness.
It made me love you all the more
for the light you brought my world.
We were friends and I loved you but I realized too late.
The wall had been built and our line was drawn.

Friends we remain and my love still continues
tainted by sadness
and the echo of what might have been.

So I search for someone who will bring as much light to my world.
While you sit on the pedestal I've built you.
Shining, and untouchable.
Lorrin Feb 10
A boy then fought a villain black,
on shadowed steed with shadowed tack;
and when he thought his end was near
he heard a whisper in his ear.
"Courage, courage, little one.
Fight until this villain's done.
And should you fall unto his blade,
then this day was a hero made."
So he fought the villain black
on shadowed steed with shadowed tack.
He fought till he could not fight back,
the shadowed steed, the villain black.
And as the villain fell to die
he looked the boy clear in the eye.
"You boy, a hero be,
for with thine sword you conquered me."
Lorrin Feb 28
Maybe and Almost.  
It almost worked out.
Maybe it still could.
We were almost happy.
Maybe I could be happy without you.
I was almost OK.
Maybe I still can be.
I almost didn’t make it.
Maybe I’ll try again.
I was almost happy.
Maybe I still can,
maybe I never will.
Lorrin Jan 25
Soft. Vibrant.
Moss after fresh rain.
Mischievous. Twinkling.
Sparkling like sunshine on emerald.
Distant. Sad.
Full of love and secrets destined only for others.
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