i lay here
i expect the tears to work themselves out
but they refrain from doing so.
time keeps moving
i can feel the days getting shorter.
as i’ve tried to cut it short
it never worked.
the world has its way
of getting what it wants
but yet i’m stuck in feeling
moving through the motions
of the pattern i’m stuck in.
days feel meaningless
but i keep going
as much as i don’t want to.
the feelings i’ve suppressed
have kept themselves contained
this flood of emotions
feels like i’m drowning
i can hardly keep my head
above the crashing waves
of reality, hardships, and pain.
this empty pain
lurks and stays behind my mind.
the cries for help
are more like whispers for assistance.
i distribute help as if it was overflowing
but i’m the one who needs it most.
i beg for this feeling to end
i beg for a new start or a do over
accepting this hurt has been the worse.
if i could bring back
the joyful little girl
that i once was
maybe things would be different.
it’s time to take back my own life
and replace this empty
with something to fill that void.
i just want to feel something
Hm, the luring call from this crowded place,
but what are the intentions?
diabolical feelings in this place I call home.
But why do you and I stay?
our routine of sadness and evil
hovers around our heads,
as if we were the sun, and the sadness orbits us
like the planets in the vast universe surrounding.
only dark and damp places we exist
filled with hatred and impurity.
each of us contribute to this fire
oh, but what is this?
a grasp on my mind,
a calling, a desire, a higher power.
my feet walk for me as if I am being lifted
the stress and pain is floating away
A godly figure is implanted in my mind
heaven? God? is that you?
my broken pieces pick themselves up
they hover and lift themselves in the air
my shattered shell of a body is floating
pure thoughts paint themselves in my mind
what brought me here?
a smooth transition from my living hell
to a placid place amongst the sky.
God? Allah? who brought me here?
even my strongest beliefs were being questioned.
quite frankly, everything I knew was foggy.
the only feeling I obtained was bliss.
my feet were placed back onto the surface
and the darkness crept back,
but my outlook and intentions changed.
I kept the happy and the bright
and it outshone the malevolent world.
this moment lasted and stays in my mind
being there forever would be beautiful
but sadly, the best feelings do come to an end
because everything is temporary.
but the best feelings, can be felt forever.
surrounded by the flames
that reflect my loneliness
wrap me in this hot blanket
of sadness and emptiness.
the constant ringing of nothingness
tears my ears apart.
the shell of my body remains
but slowly is torn apart
by the knifes of suffrage.
i can feel the singe
of self love disintegrate.
through this torture and evil,
i still feel nothing.
this has to stop,
but why hasn’t it?
I’ve been stuck in this
off and on place
“Are you okay?”
the things constantly replaying
in my sad mind
reaching to the bottom of my heart
to find the two words
that retrieve my loneliness,
yeehaw school is awful
i want to take back mistakes.
i want to try it differently but in fact there’s no way to correct what has happened.
you can’t take back what you said
i can’t take back my reaction
i can’t take back that relationship.
you can’t go back and not break me
you can’t go back and not hurt me
i can’t take back a small sentence
even though you’ve hit me with a thousand words.
but i still would brush them off
take ten seconds
take two steps back
and carry on.
but in fact i probably would do the same thing
if given the impossible opportunity to
i would continue to let you know that you are no longer allowed to hurt me.
i do not consent to your pain
i do not consent to that friendship
i do not consent to you hurting me
i do not consent to the way you act.
but you can ignore that
because I built up walls
and put fences around them
but you built a plane and flew over.
and that terrifies me.
it is 2 a.m.
everything is dark.
my room is hot
but i shiver when i’m not surrounded by my comforter.
i don’t know why it’s hard to breathe
or hard to move
or why the tears won’t stop.
why do i feel stuck in my room?
why do i crave it when i leave?
why do i want to leave when i’m here?
i just want some air and some reassurance that i’m not loosing it.
i just want my arms to stop shaking while my skin is so warm.
i want my pulse to calm down.
i want my mind to stop thinking.
i just want to sleep.
the sky is a gray-yellow
and the thunder fills my empty mind as
the storm surrounds my room.
the rain pitters and patters on the roof,
i watch as water runs down my window.
my favorite songs playing and
filling my room with my favorite shade of happy.
my whole room is reflecting a yellow shade along the walls.
my pillows are puffy and warm and my blankets are surrounding me.
yes, i am alone, yes, company is fine,
but how can you learn to be alone with company always around.
i am happy even if i’m alone.
i’m still living and thriving
putting myself back together
but still happy.
This thing you call love,
Is not love!
This is pain
This is unhealthy
This is abusive
You do not need them
You are smart
You have been blinded
By what your heart replaced
in your brain
Your troubles have died down
New days are coming
New ground is below your feet
Time can stop rushing you
You can stop
DO NOT FORGET.
You are not fragile
Do not let them treat you
as if you are breakable
You know better
Do not let your heart fool you.
Find real love
And filter out unhappiness
Stay true to who you are
Do not let negative influences
In your life.
to love again.