caffeine makes me feel like ****
but today i'm chugging it
focus on the negativity in my cup
so the positives don't put me too high up

happy is just how far from the ground you are
happy is just how far you'll fall
how hard you'll hit
the pavement
i'd rather be an inch high
than on a cliff
is it worth
the self interest

tragedy has made me silent.

he crept down my throat
and softly snipped away at my voice;
now there is nothing.

i smile and nod
smile and nod
smile and smile
and nod and nod
falling asleep in plain sight
watching your lips move in speech
wishing mine would follow suit

tragedy has made me silent,

made me timid
made me grow in stature until i am awkward
gangly
always in the way
hiding behind
a shorter sister
but still a sore thumb

a quiet
quaking
obvious protrusion
i invoke conversation
but it dies out
with the smile in my eyes
the bobbing of my head
the silence of my lips

tragedy has made me silent.

i need to stop thinking.

i know if i think too much
by myself
i will end up sitting on my bed
drawing pictures on my arms
with a knife
and they tell me
not to do that

i have never been good at listening

your razorblade tongue ran across my forearm
my *******
my thighs
i know it isn't right
but make a mistake enough times
and it no longer feels like one
i am always fine
until i am alone
in my room
thinking about you
and your
quick
cutting
tongue
on my skin

forgive me lord
i have
sinned

fat became
chubby
became
gorgeous
became
just me
became
ok
to be
when you
are with me

sometimes i pull up my shirt
look down at my bare tummy
and sigh.

why can't you be better, tummy?
why can't you be smaller
nicer
softer
better?

like a child
i am chiding
tut-tutting
at its misbehavior

tummy, i do so much for you
i skip meals
and don't drink water
and wrap you in all kinds of weird dyi concoctions
and lotions
i take pills
and cry before seeing the boy that i like
all for you,
tummy.

why can't you be
like the other ones
why must you be
the way you are?

i will fix you.

first he kisses them
then he causes them
we cannot win
or maybe just him
or maybe just me