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Raymmar Jan 21
I'm dying inside
lying inside
pretending I'm not just along for the ride.

I'm smiling outside
I'm faking my pride
walking around like there's nothing to hide.

And there's so much more to tell too.
I'm just not sure how to be honest with you.

My heart breaks
my body shakes
and when I try to tell you
my voice quakes.

My eyes can see that it's really just me
unable to let go and actually be free.

Trapped inside of this beautiful mind
trying to pretend I'm not one of a kind.

And I know the things I want from you
I just can't have them until I face what's true.

Until I'm actually ready to start over some day.

Which all sounds good until it's time to pay.

Then it's easy to go back.

It's easy to backtrack.

As if I weren't able to fight off my own attack.

A one man self destruction crew
same old story
just made to feel new.

Same guy
still trying to fly.
Still running in circles
still stuck in a lie.

Still a dreamer
still a believer
still holding on
still born to be a leader.

Yearning to be free.
Of the pain
of my brain
of everyday feeling the same.

Looking for escape
for a small break
searching for something
other than heartache.

Starving for attention
lost in contention
hoping and praying
for a sliver of redemption.

When will it all stop?

When will my life change?

And why does facing the truth always feel so strange?

But it's not all a lie.

I've given at least half a try.

And you know,
it kind of feels good inside when I cry.

To feel that release.

To let it all go.

But I always wonder,
is it all just for show?

Pretending to be,
anything but me.

Holding on to a vision
of what used to be.

Holding on
to what I want to see,

because without the pain,
then who would I be?

What then
would be my inspiration
if I was no longer drowning in desperation?

What would I blame if I freed myself from all of this frustration?

And how am I supposed to just pick up the pieces after all this devastation?

What would I write about
if I finally found a way to let go of all this self doubt?

What would I use as a muse if I was no longer perpetually confused?

And what if I fall again?

Am I finally willing to see this thing through to the end?  

How does a man continue to stand in the face of a self imposed backhand.

Trying so hard not to drown in a crowd of people who only know how to back down.

Trying to stand up with a weight on my neck that feels like a thousand pounds.

And what do any of these words even mean?

Should I keep them hidden, never to be seen?

After all, I wrote them for me

But maybe it's something you need to read?

Maybe my pain is intended to show, that deep down inside you already know.

That pretending to be perfect is never the way to go.

That broken is better.

That not fitting in is the new trend setter.

To show off the insides of my brain while proving to the world that I am actually still sane.

And then… just for fun…

I’d bet that you feel the same.
Raymmar Jan 4
I look at the world with disgust

Not knowing who I can trust

Only to find, the reflection is mine

And that I am the problem, not us

Then I sit and I stare

As if my body were stuck in thin air

Like I'm losing my mind

While pulling my hair

Pretending to be strong

Hurting for so long

Why does it seem

Like I'm living my life so wrong

I Scream out for help

No one can hear me

I reach out for help

There's nobody near me

They've all run away

Like the whole world should fear me

As if no one can see me

Invisible. Clearly.
Raymmar Jan 3
No matter what

From beginning to end

I just want to do it

All with a friend
Raymmar Jan 2
When I go to sleep at night

Or while I'm wide awake

You’re the thing that hurts the most

You’re my perfect mistake
Raymmar Dec 2018
A new year

Is almost here

A new direction

For us to steer

The holidays are over

And soon its back to work

So make a resolution

And remember your self worth

Go forth with confidence

Try not to stand too tall

Remembering the higher that we get

The farther we can fall

Remember all your friends

And don’t forget to love

Explore something new

And give your mom a hug

The world is surely changing

The sun is coming up

So I wish you all the best

And wish you all good luck

Let’s go chase your dreams

But first let’s raise a beer

As we spend some time with friends

And welcome the new year
Raymmar Dec 2018
I’m locked inside a prison
One I’ve built myself
And every single day
I slowly **** myself

I’m locked inside a prison.
One I can’t escape.
And every single day.
I drown in my mistakes.

I’m locked inside a prison.
Slowly losing hope.
Pretending not to care.
Words is how I cope.
Raymmar Dec 2018
I know it may not work

And so much could go wrong

But why not let the music play

And dance for one more song


Friends is not enough

I hate to feel this way

Knowing you're so close

And yet so far away


I want to give you space

I just can’t stand the gap

Won’t you touch my face again

Even with a slap.

Won’t you hold me close

Please just squeeze me tight

So I can can sleep in peace again

At least for one more night

— The End —