That night we wept open
Love poured from my eyes
You held my heart flooding
Even you cried
I let love hang like honey
Sweet and so pure

The next day was different
You loved me at my worst
Triggered and tangled
You held on so tight
I fought and was frightened
So scared to be right

That day I wept open
Love poured from my eyes
You held my heart flooding
Even I cried
I let love hang like honey
So sweet and so pure
Stuck in you love
Safe and secure

Love is a weighty thing
Soft sometimes
Always sharp enough to keep you bleeding
I always felt the harder you loved
The farther the fall
The kind of fall that kills you
I started imagining the impact before feeling it's warmth
I would negotiate with myself
"A punch to the face would ease the lonely"
I had been choked out by the hands that held me
To be touched was not breathing
Love is a fist fight inside me
Is wreckless abandon
Love is a weakness
Always being exploited
A knife fight
And I have nothing left to be taken
Love is a weapon
Love is a word
An empty feeling left unheard
Love is a knife fight
A weighty thing.
Don't ask me to love you,
I could never
I care for you to much

Some days I am hideously alive

Decomposing memories

Deeply trenched in manipulation

****** noses and broken hearted…

dark circles and scabbed over

clotting and bruised

Festered wound pushing out poison.

Some days I am defective, calloused and weak

Some days I am gnawing and farel

Less human and more lizard

Puckered scars and blistered skin

Healing isn't always pretty

Some wounds get infected

Bones have to be reset…

Abscesses drained

I survived…

But I don't have the same skin

You wouldn't recognize me

I'm breathing

Some days that hurts

I know how old love turns to torture
how your burnt lungs fill with water
how rib cage restricts heartbeat
how mean you move away

I push through old scars and burning houses
Try and make something from ruble, ashes
soot-stained skin and smeared mascara
ocean pouring from my eyes
and endless void makes me cry

you run from me
I am drowning
I try to hold on to you
I
Can't
Breathe
why
don't
you
just
leave.
If you sit here so empty anyway
just dying to be somewhere else
each moment killing me
all I want is for you
to love me as you use too.

I take up space because I am valuable.
I say that as I eat and rejoice in my outward growth
Delighted in food as it hits my mouth, and how it hugs my body.
I say that as I stretch out on the bus
Tacking no less room then the man spread that is so recklessly unaware of itself.
I say that as I raise my voice refusing silencers
His voice will not penetrate an overwhelming truth, no matter how loud he speaks over me
I say that as I stand tall, combating the overlooker
I sway surly and head held high as I am worthy
As I celebrate my *******
Praise the blood that shows my strengths
I cast away the thought that a bleeding thing is weak
Is it not true that he has been known to bleed too?
I take up space because I am valuable
Treasured for my thoughts and wholeness
I say that as I work out, muscles showing
My strength oblivious to the male ego, without fear of being any less of a woman
I say that as I challenge myself and others
Because meekness was something I was taught, not something that I am.
I say that as I refuse to be consumed
I am not a product for pleasure I am a human, a consciousness with feeling.
I say that as I really am, as a goddess, a queen, an equal
An individual with agency and determination
As I celebrate my character
Praise the misguided for building me up
Refuting the idea that blood is shameful
Because my womanhood is in part my pride
I say that I am valuable very simply,
because I am

If I could build a future out of yesterdays hope
I would have a charming home
A quaint oasis that I built from our old love

I would have manifested our children
From stardust and cat-like curiosity
Their chubby toes would point them in the right direction always

If I could architect a future out of empty promises
I would have more than a deflated reality
An image of a home whos outline wavers
Ella’s name would not be make-believe
Her laughter would have filled my hallways
Her eyes would be known and her whole self-cherished

If it were possible to make out of what was taken
I would make my gate from recycled doors
That way I could have privacy
While always remembering how to let others in
how to stay open

I would show you how to blow air into a balloon, we would watch it fill up
So you could see that even dreams need something tangible to breathe life into them

I wish I could create with the disappointment you filled my life with
It is so abundant, it would be so practical it is littered throughout my memory
So much of what I am left with I can’t use to build, its *******
I cashed in five years just to realized you were a bad investment

If I could build from your lies a home
I would spread my capacity for caring softly across the surface of each room, like wallpaper
I would remove the hand-painted sign that read
"My home is where you are"
Because I have proven you are not the essentials needed
to make a house a home, I am.

Once I was told the universe was nothing and then it became something
Maybe this void that holds the space inside of me
Where my future plans and dreams dissolved
Where a skeleton of my almost family and life died
where the plot to build the home that will never be resides
Maybe that’s where my big bang can start

I need to make something bigger than the life I planned with you
Ill turn this nothing into something
Just watch me breathe life into my new beginnings
see my new home I build when the bricks are not soft-spoken manipulations of the truth
but are real bricks that bear weight and hold things up
A real home

She spoke fast and furious
over time she saw he never heard it
She folded away all her curious
slowly tucking them into his jeans pockets
button up shirts crisp and ironed
her warmth does not come from the dryer
tears welling up inside her

if God really did exist
then why did he make her like this?
destined only to please men
They both say her existence
no matter her repentance
could ever free her from this curse
a second class citizen from the moment of her birth
a second class sins again
as she dreams of life outside of
pleasing him
she sins again
when she stops fitting in
she sins again
Shes resenting them
For the fire over feminine
she thinks at least I am not one of them
the closet she has come
To loving what she was

Your fingers trace the door frame, searching
until you find me, grouping in the night
you flick the switch
I feel seen by you
light touching all the parts of me
usually left unnoticed
You see me light up
glow exposing all the ways into my thoughts
then you flick the switch
Darkness hides me and you forget I am there
Like the depression that took lights place
ate up every thought of me
am I even there now?
can you even see me?
how can you turn your love off like that?
Please keep the lights on....

I feel like you hold all of me
see all of me
but I'm heavy sometimes
and a lot to look at
I guess that's fine
you feel like an air balloon
but when you are not feeling warm
we start to fall toward the surface of the earth
your desire for me only present when you
want to look at it and make room for it
like you can feel the gravity of us
but its tacking energy you don't always feel like giving
why is it that I fall for those smart enough to see what I can give
but too tired to pour life into the dreams I show them
like knowing a unicorn exists
but horses are easier to take care of
eat less hay
they see that I am special but not as easy
why do I have to be less to be more palatable?
My ability to care for others makes my partners shrink
feel like guilt in not wanting to try like me
they don't want to love like that
This love is too much... energy and life and thought
they don't want to as bright as me
they just want to feel my fire
not to put energy into its light
I can't be less to ease your guilt
I can't be less to be easy
I can't be less for you
I can't be less
I can't

I am still pulling small fragments of you from my soft skin
Still finding pins of you in small places
Scrubbing until I bleed I still find pieces of you buried
My body rejecting parts of you that I have long ago grown over
Removing splinters that irritate and hurt me
I feel like I have removed all of you
And some new piece gets pushed forward
I can’t wait until I am free of you
Until I push out all of this poison

Moments before you hit cold water
Silence holding the still surface of fresh fallen snow
**** wiggles of a cat who has locked on to its target
Small inhale right before an *******
Sunshine kissing your cheek
Riding on the handlebars of your best friends bike
Blanket fort filled with wonder and shadow puppets
Solving the puzzle, fixing the thing
A smile across tear filled cheeks
Finding a misplaced laugh
A twenty dollar bill found on floor
home.
# new love#chris

A letter to myself before I identified as polysemous.

1. The idea of meeting a stranger and only defining them based on what they mean to you, and not the relationships you already have is thrilling, and honest, and joyous.
2. The pressure of needing someone to meet all your needs is lifted, in this their is freedom. Take the time to feel it.
3. You will have more people who love you, love is endless and you don't run out. You can love an expansive number of people... their is always more water in this well.
4. Nothing will prepare you for the moment you realize you are capable of loving two people at once.
5. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you realize he can only love one.... and its not looking like its you. You will cry. You should have seen this coming he was never good a multitasking or balance.
6. although truth is usually your friend, you will find days that it is to hard and to brutal. He will look at her in ways he cant at you any longer
7. You can feel alone in a sea full of strangers or a room full of people you have hand picked... it depends on your feelings. On others smiles.
8. loving him as he slowly fades will be hard. Not regretting your choices in some moments might be too. But don't punish yourself for being capable of loving at such a great capacity... If loving was a Olympic sport you would have gold.
9. Actively shaping your life and customizing it to you is what its all about. Think about your needs. You matter too.
10. Its okay you still love him. Its also okay to love Chris. Its all going to be okay.Its hard to see now but their is reliance is spreading out your love. Its loving to limited and too little that you need to worry about. I love you too.

hail falling on silent still surfaces
your words break up my calm
like clouds release rains on days they feel light
you let go of old angst and loneliness
in exchange for new smiles and hope

mist hugging mountain tops
while loving arms open up
asking me to explore
I lean into you
Feel nature embracing me

Fingertips buoyant and dancing
skim across shimmered skin
my breast turn to moving sea
you stand on my beach
youthfully observing
tossing rocks into a stilness
making waves into ripples
my body is full, beautiful, endless
you want to dip into me
want to know me
want to swim.
Someday you will realize
there is no way for you to hold all of me
not at once.
That I am not the body you want.
You will forget me
Turn other bodies into water
No not water but
Bouncing ripples of flesh,
Into waves
Dancing your fingers across their skin with thirst
Forgetting all the ways you have been quinched
Forgetting my body of water for a sea of skin
All that love and i'll turn to rain
I will remain the most beautiful, and endless body
But water wasn't what you were looking for
so sorry you cant hold all of me at once
too expansive to only be a body
to much meaning to just be the sea
yet still to little to go around
still just one

I am always doting on those in my life, I worry, I pick up all the heavy things so they can feel lighter. I am a care taker, its in my nature.

you were the first and only person in my life that wanted to take care of me.

At first it was awkward.I did not know how to sink into this kind of love. The kind that held me up, the unconditional kind. I felt like an apology falling from the lips of someone who has never felt regret before. Even now with three years practice I feel the air being taken from my lungs every time you find new ways of loving me.

You turn coats for homeless people into a warm wrapped gift for me. The unsaid words that I have nothing to be embarrassed about in my past. You take a trip to that second hand store that I use to have to shop at. The one I was embarrassed you even knew I had went to. And you turn it into something beautiful.

It has taken me years but I finally figured out why you don't wrap your gifts.Its simple really because the object have always been the paper. I still feel like their are ribbons and bows every time I receive one. Your gifts are always containers.They hold a concept or an idea. Perhaps they hold the universe. I think they might , because they are always growing and changing what they mean to me, always expanding.

You once wrapped a gift with some beautifully hand crafted earrings. It was a note saying I see you and I love your creativity, I think you are beautiful. You wrapped my past embarrassment in warmth and empathy. You once used A letter box you decorated in hand pressed flowers to wrap up the idea that you always want to talk to me, even if you are far and cant receive phone calls. You said you always will make time for me even if its as slow as snail mail.

How silly I was to think you gave me unwrapped gifts. Its funny how time can tell you new truths. You are the greatest Gift. Thank you.

Life is far from fair. He was born to this place, but his ancestors took it by foot. So long ago he can’t remember what being the immigrant felt like. Can’t remember the xenophobic slurs were placed in other people's tongues to whip the different out of him. This took place so long ago now he doesn't remember what blood spill looks like, can't remember his fist drawn back. He is the **** Italian immigrant, the fire crotch Irishman, the Gew the ******* and now the towel heads. He is everyone who has made himself at home hear afraid again, that a new immigration will take all the parts of their home  he loves the  most. Forgetting quickly he was the ones marching last time around. Refugee is so much more of a statement then immigrant. An immigrant is looking for a better future. A refugee is looking for any at all. They fleeing from war torn promises and bombs that fall from the skies like rain. My government fears ISIS, those towel heads, they all look the same to our fear filled eyes, so we through them to the wayside. My government does not speak for me, I would welcome every refugee.Anyone who has that common enemy, who wants to fix it with love and a new life, I open my eyes and my arms wide.I remember that I didn't  belong here at first, that we were promised something more. I can't deny that to you and yours, I welcome you. Life's not fair, it’s clear to see, I am sorry that you are you and I am me. Difference only in where I was born, difference in this is already my home.I am sorry. Sorry that those with fear filled hearts have no room left to welcome you. That they are so worried about what pain might feel like that they can not feel sorrow for the pain you are already felt. I am sorry. To every middle eastern refugee that has been denied the right to live humanely… all I can do is be sorry.

I asked you when you find me most attractive… wondering if that would help. Perhaps that's not the question I should be asking in the first place. when do I find myself to be the most desirable version of myself?
when i'm in the eighth hour at the studio, overalls covered in mud, brow furrowed problem solving out in clay. I am **** as **** when I forget the world around me long enough to create something I find to be beautiful captivating and alive, something amazing out of dirt.

When I empathize with someone's heart break, with their loss, with their lost, with their depression and ugly parts. When I don't stand above them looking into the whole they currently live in with sympathy and a sandwich but i crawl down to meet them in the dark spot they are. So they inside me, when someone does something despicable.. when hurt and sadness bites down on my throat and I can choke on the knot that is refusing to go down smoothly and I manage to articulate myself through all that is drowning me from the inside out, when I say something so true that those around me get choked up and the person who is doing the hurting hears me, I am brave, I am beautiful then, when I take a stand for something I really mean.

I am beautiful when I get up to go to work again and again, when I go and go and still notice the laughter on the streets, the children puddle jumping and can remember why I do it all. I am beautiful when I find the motivation to continue, when I am or am not at peace with the world or with myself. I am beautiful in my struggle and my success.

When we were at the wedding with your family, I choose to take of my shawl so people could see my tattoo. I decided to because I had decided It was time to be myself unapologetically. I may not be what everyone sees as perfect, but I am something to be proud of not hidden, in that moment I was beautiful.

When I see myself in those around me I find them to be beautiful, even the ugly parts. It’s so human isn't it. I feel like myay angalue could never have said it better, we are all capable of know they are not alone, that I can relate and I love them. when I tell them thank you for sharing their problems without shoveling silver lining down there throat. When I have the courage and vulnerability to meet someone where they are, I am beautiful then.

the moment before I sit down to drive. when my heart tries to flood my body with fear and anxiety. When in my mind I can think I can't do this a hundred times but I still sit down and start the car. When I feel my breath change and I am embarrassed that this simple everyday thang has such control over me and I wonder what you must think of me, but I move forward. I shift, I drive,I do. I am making my own choices and I am beautiful then.

When I sit under your arm, on your chest and I feel your warmth, I feel like I am a part of something. I feel safe, and at home, I feel wanted and I feel beautiful. I feel like I am desired and I feel desire.I am beautiful then

when I feel that fire burn everything a human has done, we are all made up of the same things that make up the human experience it's just the parts of ourselves we encourage to grow that makes the difference.But it's especially beautiful when i see myself in youthful smiles, acts of kindness, small acts of defiance against what is always accepted as the truth. I am especially beautiful then.

I want to be at the harbor, not to be one.
I want sea salt waves to lap at my toes
Not to hold on to this until I explode
Please I just want to go, not be this.
I cant shake the feelings of being left behind
The fact that I can strip down naked
And you see through to the other side
I am searching for you gaze, like the one you use to cast
I want to be at the harbor,not to be one.
The one you look at last.
So I search for any place to be
any place at all, as long as that place isn't me.
I'm crumbling and dull
I cant hold on to all of this
I wont anymore.
sitting at the harbor
letting waves take what I cant be
letting the harbor, harbor me.

I love you like a five year old loves puddle jumping. Like fire-flies like flicking on the light inside them. Your a smooth well held stone as familiar to my touch as my own skin... examined again and again you begin to stretch. More like the sea then any old stone I begin to understand your love from me, I realize I was hardly holding all of you inside the palm of one hand, your encapsulating. I have been to church and heard them preach, how is it no one ever teaches about the heaven that can be created right where you are. I have never found faith in old made up words but you have me believing in new truths. I'll treasure you like farmers treasurer rain, like Christians treasure there own salvation, how curiosity feels when finding out the answer. You make me feel like the surface of the stillest pond inside a rainstorm, all of me remaining, even expanding but shaken up in the best of ways. I have cared about you from the moment I met you, I love you now and always. love your roomate<3

The Gift
She had silky red lips sipping on
Intelligence, and intuition.
Blue watery eyes
Perfectly disguise,
Intricately weaving words
That are shaped, then escape
Change the landscape
Of relationships and connection.
Gravitating truth to unexplained urges
Feelings all colliding, leading to one thing.
She is absolutely unique,herself.
Bring forth an Absolute beauty.
As well as drawing a connection for me,
Once again providing a bridge
This time completely unaware
Of the truth she has delivered.

She is no reflection
Only 94% same genetic makeup.
But our likeness has never helped me see myself
Not like it did today.
I saw her physically,
but more importantly
Emotionally.
She helped me remember
What I bring to the table.
Expression and a suave reading,
Of people and their meaning.
Helping them see pieces of them self
My gift of self-awareness
Gifted to me.
As I sought to see
Its more than red lips
Blue eyes
That are a bit alike.

Seeing myself inside her,
skin the exact same shade
sprinkled with sun kissed pigment
freckles parading across
the endless rise and fall of our bodies
Lost and scared her words
Reminded me I was there.
remembering even when days get dark
my gift, gifted to me,
A new light through which I see
myself, red lips and blue eyes
I love her for loving, and I love her like myself
sister, you helped me see
what is so loveable
In the same city that holds us tonight.
If you ever tell my story,say
that today was the day I was born again.

Thomas creek keeps moving
This water gives way to childhood play.
I think this place remembers me.
Old gravel road,
potholes lined in Oregon ferns
The same ones that tickled my knees
when I was as young as three
I think they remember me

Lazy light filters down to green
Earth, mud and skipping rocks
Serve as old novelties and
Time ticking clocks.
The only place left
That remembers me.

vast enough to hold my past.
The only green enough that last
Fountain of youth that makes me sprite
Jump into a past with such delight
Thanks for holding on.

Stagnate nostalgia
Remembering skinned knees
Deep breaths, cold water that calmed dread
youth to living all grown up
some things remain the same...
Do you remember my name?
Do you remember me?

you hold on to me with such intense gravity
our paths circling until we collide then
rewind time and start over
meanwhile i just want to pause this
stay next to you.

who knew loving was so hard
even when we are among stars
I can not hold on to you.

you are always coming or going
my mood weaning and waxing
this long distance costing and taxing
I can not hold on to you

a year has gone and pass
i have seen you through all of that
full faced and half hid
you know I have seen you
in every mood there is
I still can not hold you

eyes layered like forever galaxies
complex star lite forevers tightening
around an abyss of darkness
green blue strands of iris circling
a pupil, feels like a starry heaven
Just wanting to hold on to you
I would let the stars fall from the sky
If you would just stay one more night
Im falling for you.

Why can’t I hold on to you?

my chin quivers when I really get to crying.
that's different.
yours never did.
but your neck runs into your collarbones the same way
we have the same chin and nearly the same jaw line
mines just slightly more square
our eyes are exact in color not quite in shape
but equally transparent
skin the exact same shade sprinkled with sun kissed pigment
freckles parading across the endless rise and fall of our bodies
they both breath
we both have seen my childhood and yours
I'm sure the inside of your eyelids feel like mine
they look the same
I'm sure you feel it, when your alone and think my name
we are not so different.
In someways we are still the same
I will cherish it.

skin please hold in
everything
don't let her hurting me, seep, start bleeding
skin please hold it in
don't let her see what she is doing to me
like every muscle, ounce of blood
all parts there, but left unseen
don't let tears begin to bleed
skin
hold
in
everything.

You said you don't hate me.... paused and said always
pain painted in flushed cheeks, upon a face with no light left
a long time ago I made myself a book
let an artist leave a million words
in black lines across the top of my foot
It was a tree(me)
holding on to a beautiful barn owl (you)
stopping just short of your name
I thought of you through each pin ***** of pain
and now more then ever I am glad
you sit between my toes and heal, facing up from my foot
its the only part of you that is still with me every step of the way.

sit in a window seal, steeling glimpses at your smile
while you face me, living in a day dream
both trying to figure out if this is real

sun shining through the clouds
smiles displayed proud
they always say
home is where your heart is
you know my favorite part is


sit'n in a window seal, steeling glimpses at your gleam
while you face me, bursting at your seams
both sewing fantasy, trying to make new reality
you have me leaving fantasy for my now and happenings



lock and key
for home and safety
between me and your guitar
you are always playing something

finally home. <3

looking back at burning buildings and soot stained air
I see you walking out of the fire
feeling scared,bitter and blistered
even now your blood is still boiling
charcoal walls are all you had to comfort you
you felt burnt.

it was never my intention.
my maze of a life left me confused
but I burned you.
I never meant to hurt you.
still you choke on smokey memories
grit down on ash between lips what forget what smiling feels like

I said sorry….
i will say it again
for the time i left you
for my confusion
I am not sorry for the place you choose to stay
you watched the walls burn
then you watched them crumble and fade
you just stayed

in self pity and furry
you never doused it
you held a fire inside you and let it hollow you out
flames licked at your heart until you only felt pain
then you just stayed.
neutered sorrow and acidic tears
you let the fire eat you alive for years
I hate the bitter you see in everything
I hate that you blame me for bending, breaking
for being so ******* weak.

time folds around warm kisses and freckled skin
stretching and pulling in
you are a timekeeper my friend
you touch my warmest spots and time just stops, existing.
the only thing left is the way you leave me feeling
tapdancing heartbeats and quivering thighs
intake laughter exhaled sighs
fingertips plunge, taking pleasure in what they have done
throbbing heat and buttons undone
you hold on to a pink petal presentation
slowly taste in hesitation
then with a delivered force
a quickening blow
eyes light up and a smile shows
You know what living with no time can mean
you take pleasure in what it does to me
hot pressed pull and pushing
ohh time keeper you know what you are doing
the pleasure you lead me too
has an equal rush in store for you
passion peek, time still speeds
I have you on your knees
i feel you close behind me
time freed is so fulfilling, so enlightening
time folds around heated skin
i hardly know what year we are in
we have been together for so long
its hard to see it, we still look so young.

I may be feeling lonely. his touch has lingered and drifted in the wind. I may be feeling lonely but I am doing it for him. He has school and I have work and we work to make things work.. but is it even working. I remember when it was play. when laughing was like breathing and night gave way to day. i am feeling lonely, your hands to far to hold. tonight is kinda chilly, your not here to keep me warm. I count out days until i see that sunbeam face , the rest of time seems wasted. Like life is on hold until your in my hands and i realize its kinda sad. I only have you on the weekends. I count away the days. Binge on your lovely when your close enough to taste. I listen to your voice and all it has to say. I listen but you echo off the empty walls and space.I want to fit into your life,I would make all the room for you. But two lives apiece cant spare the room. Fit into me, into the folds of my hand. You are the most lovely, i just need you to understand. Even in our distance I need to feel you here. I want to wait for you but its hard to do a  half *** job form here. I ride out on my emotions and its becoming so hard. maybe harsh to say... but riding out every missing you is leaving me with scars.You cover me in love, the finest kind there is. But its bliss is lost when its ripped away. I feel like a oceans tide, in love with sandy shore. I feel at home until i'm pulled to far. I only know how to love you right. When did a half *** job become the answer that wasn't easy. I just want to hold you tight.I just want to love you right.I would quit my job and catch the next ride... but there is no room for me in your second life. So i may be feeling lonely. But i am doing it for you. I may be living here but its just because there is no room for two.



* no edit just pure release. This poem is helping to heal my heart and for that I am grateful.

Its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
crafted those walls full of names
names of people that were loved
that fell in towers
smoke filled air and fire fighters
its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
reminded america we are all the same
whispered words of fear
Into every American ear
tears and ash
floating past
our unity in suffrage
its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
since nine eleven really meant something
so here is a I love you
to every person that you knew
who has been condensed
to a name on the list
an i love you to every human
who has ever stood
missing another or digging in ruble
looking for a friend
Here is an I love you
to every one who is missing
The carved out letters in a loved ones name
In suffrage we are all the same
just human

you change like autumn touching the soft of green leaves gold. You taste like sunlight licking at the surface of an alive body of water. Every ray bouncing up to caress the bottoms of clouds. You are among the most lovely of sunsets. Birds in flight try to rival the corners of your mouth…both looking epic as they rise up. Your heartbeat mimics hummingbirds wings, triumphant of the wind. Don't let such a small thing seem less, no less than what that triumph meant in the perspective of the bird who is amongst it’s seemingly endless struggle. You are boundless, like a caterpillar that has found its wings but grounded because you too once walked the earth and felt life's harshness. the only thing calloused about you is your fingertips, whose only thing they pull at are guitar strings, my bangs from my eyes and my heart strings with your name on them.I derive immense pleasure from what you are made from and what you make with an old guitar and two sets of strings. You are something to write home about.I love you.

You peal back his past and and pull it through
sewing his history and his going to be up in a moment
torment and torture, you delight in his pain and his fighting
delighting in the life you are tainting, destroying
watching him straining,he is trying to forget what remaining
and I am stuck painting
sketching
reworking
searching
He wants to forget you,He wants to forget your mean, your mad, the things you stole and the things you have.
He wants to forget your mean and your mad... and all the things you once had.
He wants to forget you.
erase your face from the storybook life we have now
you refuse to let absence in, showing up in the dark
throwing bricks
steeling things from his yard
he is too nice, he is too hurt
I love him more and more and I feel this burn
burn your house
burn your yard
steel your cat
and fuel this urge
burn your mean
burn your fire
burn that look
that old desire
burn that smile that's backed with hate
fight that feeling that turns me irate
sit back down
I refuse
to do anything
that makes me feel like you
Hating what hurts what I love most
Burning hot
cheers lets toast
toast to being more
the high road is hard, I am feeling chard
I remember what matters most
I have him in my heart, he has me and his
when he says my name he does not cringe
He loves me.

I'm just saying after a three week long period I still feel beautiful, just tired.
That even if I am alone thinking of you is what gets me off
that even when I am sad I feel like the luckiest person alive
I nearly have stopped wearing lipstick, not because I don't want to show off my smile, because I don't feel like I have to prove that its beautiful anymore.
I smile at strangers and they smile back, they must know I am thinking of you
I am always thinking of you.
I feel like sunshine must feel
so warm and so bright
I love you.

I have to tell you because no one else will, your needy grabs for his attention and flailing attempts to come across seductive will fail you. I know it is hard to want what you can't have and honestly I don't blame you. He talks to me in his sleep. He turns in our little twin bed to seek me and he always finds my love, we often wonder how our twin bed can give unwanted space a place between us. Its like he is searching for me when he rests in his subconscious and even in the alternative reality I am always there we always find each other. He makes me feel like I am the only light that turns on in a sea of dark night and he takes endless pleasure out of what I am and the shadows I cast. Even the dark parts of me he hold close too. I see you leaning over the bar counter and I know you don't want him to be looking at your eyes when he is talking to you.... I am telling you that he smiles like the sidewalk flowers he brings me and we grow together like the ones planted in his garden. Every day he brings me flowers, he tells me why specific smells or petals remind him of my beautiful parts. He loves the purple ones because I am so fond of the color. I never pull on the soft petals in a game of love me or love me not. That is what I am trying to  tell you, he grows flowers for me that only have "he loves me" written on them so I never have to question myself.There just is no room hear for insecurities and the need  to be wanted for you to cling to, he knows what he wants. He is brilliant and I cant think of a way you are going to be able to convince such a smart man that ******* you right now will feel better then the life time of love I have for him. You would have to speak a lot to what is hiding inside the creases of your thighs to convince him it would feel better then me, because I know how to make that feel pretty ******* good. I am not trying to say we are the energizer bunny, only that when we do what bunnies do we just keep going, We are a power house when we are together, energy just rolls off of us. I know how to make him moan, to tighten and to quiver, I also hold him if he cries.We warp time around out interactions, it flies by while we refuse to give up the moment and I get lost in him. He is far more beautiful then any place I have ever been to. He makes me feel alive. we are happy. I have no fear that your needy cry for help will get him naked. I only worry you are in a sad place and he wont take you as a friend if you keep on trying to touch him. That would be sad for you, he is the best one I have ever had. sincerely the girlfriend he is trying to find after you touched him a little to long. Could you tell him I am right outside the bar, I was waiting for a friend.

Night blankets us. My small twin bed turns into endless space and I only wish to be closer to you.You say you love me and I know you do, you search for me in your sleep. I will never turn you away. Twin beds will never be to small to hold us and the night will never stop feeling so warm. I love the dance we do fitting into each other. Fitting in the ways we see the wold, our perspectives being electrically charges like socked toes on carpet. Your honey covered voice will never stop making me sweet for you.The things you say have me falling in the most enthralling way.The energy rolling off your skin is enough to power a force inside me that faces life with the expectation of happiness.So my love lets be happy.

he said it was sad. How the moon and sun seemed to be a pair that where drawn to one another but the earth just was in the way. I thought that it was silly to think of it that way. The moon and sun were just a couple in love who stopped to watch a flower unfold. In the span of time that life boomed on the world was relative to use, what a flower would take to unfold its lovely colors and inspire happy. We are part of why the world is so lovely, we are in part something beautiful and the moon and sun are nice enough to notice. We should at least take the time to see how happy they are together.

Overwhelmed by autumn
She brings me to my knees
I wonder what she whispers
To the ever changing trees
A flickering fire light
She hides inside the leaves
Dancing something fierce
Passion fills then flees
Something smooth and sensual
Kissing all the leaves
There is a fire deep inside her
I swear I hear her sing
She is such a beauty
Walking hand in hand with change
I wonder what she said to all that once was green
How she led them to believe in a cycle
That can only promise things

Life a series of experiences that I lust after so let’s lust, lets love, let’s make this something fun
Helping caring let’s start sharing our adoration for each other like it’s contagious
We could start laughing and spreading happy like it’s wildfire
We will be two lovers that cross, like flowers stock that holds our heads up high
Accidently shine so bright that we cease a fight and it inspires more
Stumble on to world peace, like you stumbled on to me, just because we love right.
Silence struck when we touch tight
Inhale, exhale and your breath runs a fast highest
Stealing my breath from my lungs so I am alive like...
Shining fire flies beating thrumming life’s high, High on life let me get my words right ,I’m diving in without the stars light, because the dark isn’t scary, unknown quite as Leary if you lived a hard life, and words don’t fit or sit right, rolling around my tong like, a switch blade knife, curdling like milk that’s spilt last night, syphon sadness from addictive madness but that’s just fine like, I have my happy and I have my light ,and ill beam brighter with you by my side….so smile. Burn bright, be wild. Whatever the unknown holds, we will have it unfold, lay down like a red carpet for us to walk on, spot on, we are a symphony, rock stations getting rocked on, whales song in the ocean, you always said they are like boulder of the sea, sweet sound captured and encapsulated in a Stoney twinkling, like the color in your eyes when stubbornness arise…you are my pleasure wrapped inside a sigh, future wrapped up inside blurred lines, and I’m wrapped up so let’s untie. Kiss me back until we fly. Sorry for the cheesy love poem but I’m not, because you’re the hot spot, you’re the bomb.. Word rolling off my tong like smiles curl... corners reaching up like we move through this world… you have a white girl nearly rapping, just stop and feel what’s happening… what’s happening

Shutter, stutter… sampling; we are the best taste on a platter of now happenings. So stop sampling and start gathering we have a feast of the now and happening! Mind blowing intricacies, how we bob and weave, we are a fabric of all the love we haven’t had yet and are about to receive … of all the opinions not had yet, lay me down in a bed get me wet and, I bet we light up like fireworks… life just made ups meet…organic always tastes this sweet, because we make time spent together feel better then diamond rings. So sit down next to me and we will grow in to something even better <3 so here is a song, a poem some words to say we matter.

Lets put the starts to shame as we light up underneath them
Lets go for a hike and get as lost in nature as we are in each other
Lets dare each other to climb a little higher because we both know the fall is nothing to be afraid of
Become a time keeper, speed up a moment just so you can take pleasure in slowing it down
Put on your explorer hat so you can take the time to map every part of me out
I will do the same, excited to smooth out your surface like a love letter that’s been creased and un creased relentlessly
Let me unfold you
Lets jump into cold water to feel revitalized, just like you feel when my cold hands seek your warm body
Lets be fearless, as in no heartbeats that turn into birds surrounded by ribcages that shrink in around it..
But more like drums whos beat leads to endless dancing and spiritual growth. Let’s fall in love.
Lets be better than any love story you have heard of, lets brag about how lucky we are to be existing together in a moment.
Bring out my over competitive side, make me lose so I can realize that is impossible… because reality is about perception and if I have you I can only win
Whisper, sweet something’s because sweet nothings can be for the girls that were before me. Lets be substance… be moral be wild crazy and alive. Let’s be young. Let’s be that romantic element others search an eternity for, and let’s make it easy. Easy like breathing, like taking in your air… lets fit together like we are proof in creation; even if it doesn’t exist we can still create something beautiful. Lets make this important, lets.

I am not much of a poet, and it takes a whole lot of poet to write a love poem
Sappy and happy never read as well as blood, sweet, and tears
And years of turmoil has always aid me
But lately, I’v been hastily and systematically fathoming how to make words fit
Like our bodies do at sundown, when we are the only light inside a dark room
Just beaming at one another, why bother… cheesy isn’t easy .. but I try
I try to find the powerful words that will describe the electricity that pulsates from us
We are the biggest power source around, if only I found the words to say it right
I am not much of a poet, and it takes a whole lot of poet to write a real love poem
But if I tried to write a love poem, it would be about you
About how your smile is a sun rise after endless nights
About how I only know your strength because you pull me in close
Like I weigh nothing and my baggage is just a carry on, nothing that can’t be handled
Never pushing me away or hurting, your strength is seen in your gentleness
I would explain how you make stretch marks feel like beauty marks
How you make sun kisses feel cool, how you make heartbeats in to drums, how you make a guitar sing, and your voice vibrates and rolls something between honey and heaven.
I would write about how you have endless energy and ambition
Charisma and endless potential that grabs at every opening door
I would write about how you grow friendships and flowers like they are one in the same
And how you love and invest in both
How you read like a scholar and chase after things only brave men chase after
I am not much of a poet but if I were I would paint in words for you the most vibrant expressions
Of lust and love and tinder kindness
Lay down words like bricks to build you up
Show how you are the one I searched and found worth finding
How we light up, show how exciting…..
Im not a love poet, not much of a poet at all…
But either way you are worth the fall, you deserve a love poem.

This year was a finance *** kicking.. Meaning money kicked me in the face. No , meaning that I have no money it all ran away with the feet it kicked me in the face with.
This year was a group of peers closer then I have been with in years, a quest to find my spiritual side and a sixty year old man who forgot he already found love.
This year drained the world of color tell I was left in black… it made me angry so I spit and color bit me back.
This year was every color in every tent and every shade, this year so fast it moved in a blurred haze. This year, was the best vacation trip and friends endless fun, this year was sunburn in summers heated hum
This year was a heated fling, many quiet moments that I held my breath and hoped for the best… countless reasons that show me the universe knows best. I trust in it, intuition always says.
This year I quit a job, this year I got promotions and endless “glad to have you back”. This year was good bye tear streaked cheeks… goodbye pat on backs.  Time to pack some bags
This year I was an artist, this year I couch surfed. This year I restored relationships, this year I learned about me, this year I have someone I want to spend New Year’s with, and he wants to spend it here with me. This year I am 20 and this year I am me. This year was a struggle but a beauty its turn to be.his years summer was ****, sweet, so hot. This year’s winter was cold, but had all warm opened arms. This year was 365 days of life not just living. This year was remember able, this one was for the books.
this year was loss, this year was cancer, this year was family and me chasing after smiles.
this year I was a big sister, this year I was a friend this year I was a lot of things including broken, including whole. This year I learned how to play break down on the guitar. I wrote poetry, I created art.
I cried with my sister inside my enclosed arms. This year I got my sister a job. This year I helped people, this year I accepted help. This was a million moments worth living…
So glad it was me form end to the beginning. This year…. Was ya, this year. How was yours?

It’s not falling in love, just know I’m falling.
That moment that you feel the rush of falling before your feet actually leave cliffs edge
Your heart pounding, alarms sounding
As alive and awake in that moment
As the ones ahead where you are actually flailing
Where you have already made the decition
And waters on its way to meeting you
There has to be a word for that
Whats the word for that?

The moment you see the roller coaster climbing
And your heart’s reacting to the drop
Like you have already been dropped
What is the word for that?

Writing words…. There are no word… ill find words for that.
Because deep inside of me I can already anticipate me falling
And I am reacting before its even happened
Like a moment where you are a passenger in a car
were you can’t see out the window
But scared silence lets you know that those who can
Have  already braced themselves for impact
Unable to see the car outside t- bone the one you are inside means nothing
The fear gathered from others ****** expressions is real
You are real
There are words for that.
Real
Really falling.

He is that high, dazed and alive
When you spend hours stealing
Glimpses at the stars
Like keys wrapped around a promise
To free you from these bars
Limitations placed so certainly
On top of you on top of me
I seek my way out
Like a star gazer seeks understanding
I’m planning on playing my hand just right
Putting you next to me
King of hearts at my side
Or maybe you are a joker,
Either way put on your poker face
We have life and space, set no pace
Like untimed steps under
A fall to far

Sing to me a jazzy song
From a time that’s far,
Dance with me
Dance along, move your feet
Make no promise you can’t keep
Just feel it
It’s like freedom but on fire
Like trust without certainty
Acrobat without a wire
Like letting go
A grand release
Like fearlessness
A found voice to speak
Passions pushed blood to cheek
Blushing past shades of pink
Pull you in, close to me
Fearless in you and me
Just fearless

Collecting scraps of withered old papers and photo strips
Like I collect memories
Scattered and out of chronological order
No time line to seamlessly tell a story
Only a room full of windows to look through
And uncover one at a time.
Blending my mind like I would a smoothie
Smoothly un-fold papers with scrolled hand writing
Press seems that have been the seems that stitched up broken parts
Of hearts, headaches and lonely nights
My past sewed up and patched, the hurting parts
I confess this to you as a photo strip prints
To mark another memory, a direct portal to the magnificent night
I look for the Minnie golf score sheet, but it hides
You seem to notice it more than a score sheet to me, but you just smile.
A day goes by and this portal is already fit amongst a mountain
Infinite number of patches to fix up the broken parts of life
Whatever hurt lingers, in persistence to last
I am surly equipped, look at the patches I have
2 days go by and I find a note on a green paper
Individuality printed on a score sheet
Each letter from a hand I had wish to hold
Telling me of beauty and a fun night out
Scores scribbled underneath
I tuck it away; it is the most beautiful patch
The most colorful and inspiring
A window so darling
I wonder what hurt this patch could not fix
And smile because it is his

I start to answer her question,
She seems taken aback.
I rattle off my list.
“Witty comments,
An easy found laughter…
I like competitiveness
That’s wraps itself around playfulness,
Like I want to wrap myself around
His big found epiphanies.
Symphony of intellectual connecting’s and
Good intuition.
A quick reaction time, helping you step away
Before **** has had time to hit the fan.
Eagerness to help other human beings…
Taking advantages of opportunities instead of people
Charisma that is unselfish in its tendency to be noticed.
Awareness of one’s self.
a knack for insightful observing.”
These a list of things I find attractive
But yes he also has a nice jaw line
It traces lovely underneath a finger tip
But it’s a faraway line on a map
That has eloquently plotted out his most beautiful parts
It’s faded and dim in comparison to the additional obvious existing’s
It is so far from those parts of him I find to be most beautiful
That I hardly understand how out of all of it
That was the only thing you really responded to.
The only part of the map you related enough to
To point to and say I have been there.

You exist to me like wind to everyone else. I can feel your overwhelming presence, but its hard to show other people you are there. You give me goose bumps that leave the only physical trail to your existence. The small black letters on a lite up computer screen is the only thing hinting at a reality where your windows can be seen through. Giving hope for a day I can see into your eyes and read into your words in a whole new depth. Giving hope of a day I reach out and grab you like a question mark at the end of my never ending list of questions, and hold you in my hands. See what you look like, hear what you sound like, feel what you feel like, listen to what you say and understand you to be more something like an explanation point then you ever where a question mark. You are just one shipped off and sent letter, whose words don’t fall short but leave me hanging on whatever the next p.s. has to say.  This is not a love note or a confessional piece; this is a means of exploration. This is me seeing every individual on the planet as a separate world amongst the universe, some more worthy of exploration then others, and seeking you to calm the wanderlust inside of me. This is a proclaiming of my undying interest in exploring your world and getting to know you. This is an attempt to explain to another colorful person that for me, getting lost in this world isn’t half as appealing as getting lost in someone else’s.  I am in a place in my life filled with so much potential, especially in relationships with other people. I find myself trying to create stronger relationships instead of more, but you still seem to feel like something pressing. Like something I should invest in. Maybe it’s because you play with words like I shape in clay. Maybe it’s because your expansive vocabulary draws me in. Perhaps it is that you seem to have priorities that make since to me, maybe it is because you give exquisite advice and have become a reminder to me of how to be positive in the face of ugly. Maybe it’s because when I talk to you I don’t have to use smaller words, I don’t have to talk about things I don’t find important and the only time we talked about the weather was when it snowed so much that it brought you to a place of bliss and wonderland. Maybe, maybe it’s just a feeling. But I have found when I am honest about my feelings; I live a much happier life. So hear is a one way ticket into my head. Hear is one guided trip into one way I see the world and people around me. This is my request to read every word you wish to write.
Sincerely, tink

You are like middle class meets star gazer
Your eyes on the sparkle in your dream but you don’t know if its found when you are sleeping or running through your always going, never ending life. Your responsibilities sky high, so much on your plate that you are forgetting that happy is already on your platter you just have to slow down to taste it. Wanted time wasted on the idea that success will bring you happiness. That money is where this is happenen… You are sometimes on the right side, spending time and care instead of money and pulled out hair.  Contemplating the weight of the wind, What spirit really means. Exploring where you begin and the universe ends .other times you are all kinds of, I don’t want to say wrong but not right … maybe left, left out of place, left behind your fast paced life, left wondering but not left to think out loud. Not left with feeling right.im not suggesting that you should run in circles but if right is right then take it. Hold on to your hopes and make it. If you feel like you fake it either quit or fake it tell you make it part of you. You said that you are always in your head, I think you are always in a hum, Seeing the connection in your life and always putting it together wrong. Maybe the stars are where it starts. Maybe they are a map that connects our life with our hearts. Maybe money is just paper, and people are too valuable to break down in such simple transaction. Perhaps middle class means nothing, just like money… because classifying people makes no since. That sentence a lot like money, so alike always boxing people in. you are a successes chaser, not knowing how you define the word. I am trying to give it a definition. But you may replace the word all together, reconfigure a new sentence. This is just a star gazers perspective, to someone who’s self-reflective, here’s just a perplexing statement about what success is. One star gazer to the next one, just let go a little and figure out this conundrum.

I feel like sumi ink running down a wet media paper
Like I’m getting ****** up into its fiber
Before I ever had the chance to make the right mark

I feel like a tear that has been wiped away
It pushed from a cheek to swift, in hope haste would make
Feelings wash away, before they have time to settle
Be recognized for their real self, their actual impact

I feel like a under developed painting that wants to be an original
But has been put under too much pressure
To feel free enough to make an original mark

I feel like a statement that wants be made
But only finds things that have earned titles as cliché

I feel like a book that has been put down and forgot before
You ever got to the good parts

I am a heart wrenching sob and tear streaked cheeks
I am a sumi ink layered in perfect complexity and visual texture
I am original, authentic,and the best book you haven’t read yet
I am full of good endings, beginnings and all in-betweens
I am, I will be, stop trying to rush the ending

Dear middle class friend
You have to know that I love you and know we come from difference
I am thank full for your existence and teaching me how to blend in
Find myself inside the lines of a different class
you take the time to teach me how I should act
You come from power I come from poverty
But I can mask, just change my cloths and vocabulary
Im educated and observant
Subservient to what you say
Speaking of your problems
How you hate the rain
How you over booked yourself
Should you go to the yurt or to the football game?
Not trying to undermine
To lessen your distress
Or infer you have a mistress
That money isn’t happiness
Just remember when you talk to me
You are forgetting who I am
Because of how I dress
Disguise myself to well I guess
Remember
I just found a place to live
Food is hard to find
My parents split
My siblings flail
Cancers killing someone else…
And you forget
That money isn’t mine
And I am short on time
My problems are different
I just can’t relate
I have never seen a yurt
Or seen a football game
Or been on stage
I don’t know what to say
Dear middle class companion
Thanks for offering to stand in
When I want to complain
But don’t feel bad
And take my hand
I try to feed me again.
I don’t need fixing, or sad eyes
Just try to sympathize
I know you don’t understand
We come from difference
I hope for acceptance
Maybe understaning
But I don’t know how to say
Ill never care as much as you
About such silly things.

when a frail skinny girl hold out her secrets. Just a note that reads" I just don't know why I am not beautiful, the thought of not being skinny or pretty enough is eating me alive"...  sends an echo of heartbreak and a calling. A calling that is answered from a deep place in me,  answering you are beautiful! In the loudest most assertive, complete, confident, life altering voice I scream from every cell in my body, you are a lovely creature! How awe struck this world must be that your feet have felt its existence. And that same voice now answers your calling, is assuring you that I love you. You want to know the depth, you want to know how I know. Its easy to answer because its a voice that rings, that is an alarm in every cell of my body, that goes off as the right question is met with an obvious right answer. Can you not hear it? I love you.