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Rae Jan 4
New Year , New Me ? Right ?
But it’s not a new me just a new year
I’m still me.
Plain old me .
Sarcastic check .
******* check .
Indecisive check ,check
Lonely check ,check ,check ,check
Codependent but pretending not to be .
Check .
I’m still using my favorite line
It’s the same old conversation
How are you doing
And it’s the same old answer
“okay “
“Never been better “
“ Can’t complain “
“Taking it one day at a time “
If their was an award for how much lies you can say in a 5 minute conversation I’ve won it  .
And yes I said five minutes
Did I forgot to tick the “loose interest fast” box .
I’ve constantly been hiding behind these phrases because let’s be real ,
Even if they cared to ask if your okay
It’s not like they have the answers to your problem or a solution to your dilemma .
But hey it’s the thought that counts .
But I’m still left to deal with my **** on my own .
The truth is..
I’m not okay but you know that already.
It’s a common reply people use to distract themselves and their conversation partner from what really is going on .
I’m a mess .
I’m unsure of my future .
I have a should or should I not thing going on with my ex, “It’s complicated” but also not so complicated .
We’ve all been there
Delete the number? ,
Forget he ever existed?
Fun . Logical.
If only you could delete the memories and somehow get amnesia but only for the time you were together.
Not so easy is it .
But you try to move forward because what else are you gonna do ? I’m obviously still working on the “moving forward “ part .
Speaking of “moving”
Let’s move right along on this emotional train wreck.
I’m stagnant.
I’m afraid .
Afraid to take that step , I want it to be not of uncertainty but faith .
I want it to mean something .
To be a new beginning for me.
I don’t want to regret it .
Whatever happens at-least I took that chance to not think and just do .
I’m confused
Who am I?
What am I capable of?
What do I love ?
Who do I love ?
How do I love ?
Am I loved ?
Can’t complain??? Yeah Right .
I complain every single day about
Him ,
Her ,
Them ,
Hungry for acceptance.
Bleeding desperation .
Starved for self reflection.
Terrified by fear of rejection.
All of this masked by a simple “okay”
“Can’t complain “
“Never been better “
“One day at time “
Oops and don’t forget to finish with a smile.
I honestly never freed my mind like this .. I’m usually trying hard to rhyme to say just enough to not run on and on and this might not be a considered a poem but it’s what I felt like writing  and it’s where I’m at  right now unfinished but real  . This is my platform and I’ll write what and how I feel . Ps it’s still pretty hard with my naming so bare with me .
Rae Dec 2019
You did something to me ..
I don't know what it was
For me to still be here thinking about you
Still connected with you
Like this..
Whatever this is..
Attempt to feed my loneliness?
A fleeting act of kindness?
A Kiss?
We called it quits
but this feels like it never ended
and my feelings are recycled over and over again
in this never ending cycle of what "this" is .
  Jun 2019 Rae
Not all depressed cut,
Not all sad shed tears,
Not all strong fight,
Not all monsters roar,
Not all young are innocent.
Some just work harder to maintain a mask.
We are here,
And you have reason to fear,
We are the best liars,
We can manipulate the greatest con artist without batting an eyelash.
Watch out we are coming.
This is a dark and serious p poem but that didn't change the fact that In was tempted to put "and we're queer" instead of " And you have reason to fear" ****
  Jun 2019 Rae
Mac Espiritu
Knowing ME
Knowing what's in the DARK.
  Jun 2019 Rae
I'm never going to strip for you. I'm not going to stand in front of you and slowly take off all my clothes, while you watch. I'm not a slow person. I will push you down, and kiss you so hard you won't be able to breathe, so you push me away and strip me of my clothes yourself. you'll tear them off like its the one thing you need to do to survive, and I'll tear yours off, my mouth never leaving yours. we'll be a tangled mess of limbs and sweat covered clothes, kissing every part of each other, tasting one another as if we're each other's need for survival. I'm never going to strip for you, because I am in need of fast. I am in need of want. I am in need of you.
i’m just posting old poems i’ve found
  Jun 2019 Rae
suicide is not an option
suicide is not an option
suicide is not an option
suicide is not an option
suicide is not an option
suicide is not an option
suicide is not an option
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