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Rae Jul 2021
Am  I done ?
I need to be done .
Please tell me I’m done.
After putting in my all
Going beyond my best
Trying hard not to fall
Racking my brain
Through it all
Desperately .
Can I give up ?
Can I throw in the towel ?
I’m sure I heard the fat lady sing
It was a slow melody of torture.
It’s not like I didn’t expect this
But I took a different approach
I tried another path
Because maybe the reason I couldn’t find it wasn’t because it did not exist .
Maybe I was just bad at directions
That’s why I kept arriving to a dead end .
So I took my time ,
Retrace my steps,
Followed the signs,
But it all led to the same end
My end.
That oh so familiar ending that’s etched in
  My heart ,
My thoughts ,
My very being ,
That  assures me time and time again that I am..
Rae May 2020
From the day I was born I obtained the thing so many people search a lifetime for .
I obtained love .
Not any kind of love
Unconditional love
A love a mother has for a child no one can can come between that .
That love was made special .
Special as in caring for a seed that haven’t even took shape yet .
Special as in nurturing your body the correct ways so that the life inside you can benefit from it .
Special as in going through months of nausea, sleepy spells , weird cravings , anxiety , so much anxiety , for a whole 9 months .
Preparing and planning and treating everything carefully and cautiously just so that seed’s arrival will be safe .
Do you see the love I’m talking about ?
I’m not even here yet and they already rolled out the red carpet just for me .
Now that is LOVE .
But the best part is it doesn’t stop there.
You are with me every step of the way .
When I crawled you were so excited.
When I said my first words you were filled with joy .
When I learned how to walk you cheered me on .
When I learned how to read you praised me.
When I liked a certain snack you indulged me .
When I wore my first uniform you couldn’t stop taking pictures.
When I misbehaved you scolded me .
When I felt alone you comforted me .
When I felt insecure you encouraged me.
You loved me before you knew me .
Your love never wavered not even once
When you get mad at me I know it’s because you care for me .
When you lecture me I know it’s because you don’t want me to end up doing something stupid or That I will regret.
When you compliment me I know it’s from the heart .
Every single action you have shown me ,
Every lesson you have taught me ,
Is just a small fraction of just how much I mean to you .
I’m very grateful to receive such a wonderful and limitless love from the woman who means everything to me .
I can write you aa1,000 page essay and it still would not be able to express the magnitude of love that I have for you .
Rae Jan 2020
New Year , New Me ? Right ?
But it’s not a new me just a new year
I’m still me.
Plain old me .
Sarcastic check .
******* check .
Indecisive check ,check
Lonely check ,check ,check ,check
Codependent but pretending not to be .
Check .
I’m still using my favorite line
It’s the same old conversation
How are you doing
And it’s the same old answer
“okay “
“Never been better “
“ Can’t complain “
“Taking it one day at a time “
If their was an award for how much lies you can say in a 5 minute conversation I’ve won it  .
And yes I said five minutes
Did I forgot to tick the “loose interest fast” box .
I’ve constantly been hiding behind these phrases because let’s be real ,
Even if they cared to ask if your okay
It’s not like they have the answers to your problem or a solution to your dilemma .
But hey it’s the thought that counts .
But I’m still left to deal with my **** on my own .
The truth is..
I’m not okay but you know that already.
It’s a common reply people use to distract themselves and their conversation partner from what really is going on .
I’m a mess .
I’m unsure of my future .
I have a should or should I not thing going on with my ex, “It’s complicated” but also not so complicated .
We’ve all been there
Delete the number? ,
Forget he ever existed?
Fun . Logical.
If only you could delete the memories and somehow get amnesia but only for the time you were together.
Not so easy is it .
But you try to move forward because what else are you gonna do ? I’m obviously still working on the “moving forward “ part .
Speaking of “moving”
Let’s move right along on this emotional train wreck.
I’m stagnant.
I’m afraid .
Afraid to take that step , I want it to be not of uncertainty but faith .
I want it to mean something .
To be a new beginning for me.
I don’t want to regret it .
Whatever happens at-least I took that chance to not think and just do .
I’m confused
Who am I?
What am I capable of?
What do I love ?
Who do I love ?
How do I love ?
Am I loved ?
Can’t complain??? Yeah Right .
I complain every single day about
Him ,
Her ,
Them ,
Hungry for acceptance.
Bleeding desperation .
Starved for self reflection.
Terrified by fear of rejection.
All of this masked by a simple “okay”
“Can’t complain “
“Never been better “
“One day at time “
Oops and don’t forget to finish with a smile.
I honestly never freed my mind like this .. I’m usually trying hard to rhyme to say just enough to not run on and on and this might not be a considered a poem but it’s what I felt like writing  and it’s where I’m at  right now unfinished but real  . This is my platform and I’ll write what and how I feel . Ps it’s still pretty hard with my naming so bare with me .
Rae Dec 2019
You did something to me ..
I don't know what it was
For me to still be here thinking about you
Still connected with you
Like this..
Whatever this is..
Attempt to feed my loneliness?
A fleeting act of kindness?
A Kiss?
We called it quits
but this feels like it never ended
and my feelings are recycled over and over again
in this never ending cycle of what "this" is .
  Jun 2019 Rae
Not all depressed cut,
Not all sad shed tears,
Not all strong fight,
Not all monsters roar,
Not all young are innocent.
Some just work harder to maintain a mask.
We are here,
And you have reason to fear,
We are the best liars,
We can manipulate the greatest con artist without batting an eyelash.
Watch out we are coming.
This is a dark and serious p poem but that didn't change the fact that In was tempted to put "and we're queer" instead of " And you have reason to fear" ****
  Jun 2019 Rae
m X c
Knowing ME
Knowing what's in the DARK.
  Jun 2019 Rae
I'm never going to strip for you. I'm not going to stand in front of you and slowly take off all my clothes, while you watch. I'm not a slow person. I will push you down, and kiss you so hard you won't be able to breathe, so you push me away and strip me of my clothes yourself. you'll tear them off like its the one thing you need to do to survive, and I'll tear yours off, my mouth never leaving yours. we'll be a tangled mess of limbs and sweat covered clothes, kissing every part of each other, tasting one another as if we're each other's need for survival. I'm never going to strip for you, because I am in need of fast. I am in need of want. I am in need of you.
i’m just posting old poems i’ve found
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