Which direction does peace take
When who you love is at stake
When divided roads become the foe
Of all the heart does not know

One step alone to leave the rest
Can the soul withstand this test
Not out of fear, reason, or hate
But discernment guided from heaven's gate

With decisions of love and freedom of choice
Comes a quiet whisper of a quieter voice
Love could mean coming, staying, or going
Regardless love will mean a peace in unknowing



"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid."
-John 14:27

Reach out and seek His hand
The day has turned to night
Darkness impairs vision's skills
Let Him be your sight

Even in the night there is nourishment
Even in the dark there is growth
The hope of morning perceivably far
He is with you as you go

Loneliness surrounds
As deep as night's despair
Can someone who seems so far
In this all be near?

As dawn begins to glow
Misted eyes of dew
The journeyed body's painting
Old has turned to new

Even in the day there is suffering
Even in the light there is pain
Illuminate all these miseries
Beloved, He calls by name

Sudden turns
You come first
Change your mind
Ignore the hurt

On or off
Night or day
Black or white
No room for gray

A kind word
A falling tear
Bravery
Paralyzing fear

No time for dawnings
Or colored days' turnings
Evening shade
Or rising mornings

Gradience dies
Contrast is born
Shadows black
Against the sun

Tidal waves
Desert dry
Every low
Every high

Sudden turns
You come first
Change your mind
Ignore the hurt

A simple crash is all it took
To encourage a nervous and curious look
Into the bathroom where my mother lay
A blood bath around her, in the middle of the day.

Oh honey, please just look away
You should not see this, please do not stay.

Self-help never works, I could finally see
As she covered her tracks, her eyes never leaving me;
But the evidenced razor lied on the floor
And the pile of pills poured out by the door.

Oh baby, please do not let your father know, too
He wouldn’t understand, the way that you do.

And all of my words held deep inside
Hung on my tongue, my lips were dry.
All of the times you spoke only through words
Left me so confused, viewing life backwards.

You are beautiful, and just so pretty
it is the inside that counts, don’t be so petty.

Oh but momma, can’t you see
How do you expect me to love me?
When you have so much hatred towards yourself?
Enough to clear off the medicine shelf,
Enough to starve, binge, and purge;
You always told me to have some courage.
Enough to cut into yourself: thin and long lines;
You always told me, we would be fine.

But how could this painful sight be so?
Please bow now, mommy, an award for your show.

You were that for me
a little bubble
that encompassed me
everywhere I went
And it did not matter
who
I was with
so long as in the back
of my head
I knew you were there.
You were my comfort zone
my safe place
you were the reminder
that I was accepted
as me.
And now that's gone
and I am
helplessly trying
to recreate a mentality
in which I can survive
and accept myself.
But this time
my home will
not be
inside of somebody else.
I will build walls
around myself
with open doors
and open windows.
There will be no key
for there will be no lock.
Therefore I will
not
give myself the option
to put the key
in someone's hand
that is not mine

I am lost on nights like these
When a sudden rush collides within me
A hushed whisper at the back of my mind
That causes a ripple more forceful than time
A simple reminder of a simpler fact
That this world is nothing and I am of that
And if I can be of something whose worth has no prize
Then where do I stand on this list of grand size?

These nights leave me breathless- as I sink deeper away
Yet visually moving much further astray
My body may sink but my soul rises high
As I see through the view of a little bird’s eye

From the heights we are merely, a speck of dust
Incapable of emotions, no hatred, no lust
And if only distance can cause this view
It must be time for this world to work for something new

No longer to crave to be the greatest being
But to aim past the dreadful sense: seeing
No longer to care for physical things to hold
But to desire to leave your own touch, your own mold
To know that this is not a piece of clay
But an action, a thought, a word that you say
That may change a life and ripple to more
Each leaving a mark or opening a door
That allows more to enter without having to knock
We are now moving mountains, not pebbles, not rocks

If we all work together for a greater one
Then maybe, just maybe, this world will not be done.

There occurred a dual
Between my instinct and you
About a world behind my back
Of which the light it utterly lacked
It was so dark that even your eyes,
what your hands did, could not visualize

But of course your brain knew
What you allowed yourself to do
And as you lied straight to my face
I watched it all leave you, goodbye to your grace

And years ago
They fought
They fought for the basic
Rights
Every human
Regardless
Of race
Or gender
Deserves
Freedom
They fought
And we said no

And now we are embarrassed
By the pain
And the hurt
And the suffering
That we caused
But we can’t take it back
So we pretend it is not there

And years ago
They fought
And today they fight again
And we cause pain
And hurt
And suffering
They fight and we say no

Years from now
Our humiliation
Will be harder to mask
The face in the mirror
That you see
That has caused
The pain
And hurt
And suffering
Will not be beautiful
It will not be what you expect
All because you said no
Again
To a right
Every human
Regardless of
Race
Gender
And sexuality
Deserves

This is not a war
Of your God
Or their God
We do not stone
The man and woman
Who divorced
We accept it
And move on
Leaving
That judgment
To God
Why can we not do the same?
Does Matthew 7:1
Not say
“do not judge,
or you too will be judged.”
So why
Does this continue
Only to one day be
As obvious as a choice
As it was to give freedom
To every person

Because this cannot be
Freedom
If we are not all
Free

I miss some of you
I miss the first date you
With sweaty hands
And nervous laughter
I miss the are you cold? you
Your comfy coat that smells like you
And arm around my shoulder
I miss the prom night you
With your unshaking gaze
And dancing all night
I miss the mission trip you
The ever praising, ever loving
God gave me you you
I miss the lets take a walk you
With the honest talks and
Tears from both of our eyes
I miss the lake picnic you
The only you that I could open up to you
The let’s wear pajamas and funny hats to the movie theatre you
The  drive my jeep you
The poem writing you
The hand holding you
The hugging you
The nose kisses you
And the honest you
I miss some of you
I miss what I thought of you
But if I had known
The honest you was not an honest you
And the I love you repeating
Over and over you
Were not true
Maybe I would miss all of you

Ignorance
is pure bliss
When on my lips
you plant a kiss

*(And I do not know where your mouth has been)

She was far away
In some distant land
In her head
One only she had the
Endurance to navigate
I am an artist of geography.
She would tell me
On the days
She was deeper in
The jungle of her mind
Than she usually was

But I wanted to save her
So I sent out
A search team
To find someone
Who was not really lost
Either way nobody
Could find
This girl.

One day
Years later
There was a knock
On my door
I still have not
Reached the pacific,
I am trying
To find the limits
Of this land
In my head
But I have yet
To find the coast.
I am trying
To make a map
Of my mind
And when I do
I will paint you a copy.

But you are limitless
I wanted to tell her
no map could encompass
the capacity of sheer beauty
that your mind is
But instead
I watched
And I let
Her walk back
Into the jungle

I stare as they carry her out
She had been fighting, suffering
for so long
it was only a matter of time

I can only mourn for so long
as I continue on with my ever losing job
I turn to walk as the cat crawls out of her room

The next day, the old man
who used to call me by his daughter's name
passes after his favorite time of day,
4 o'clock
when the sun just begins to grow tired
and the wind picks up
with night's righteous fall

I pray a short prayer for the man who thought I was his
I turn to continue on with my ever losing job
as the cat rubs against my leg

The next day there is a visitor
room 303
there is yelling and harsh words
thrown back and fourth
and when the visitor leaves
there is silence
complete silence

I plead to the Lord that the visit will heal from this loss
if it were a loss.
I turn to carry on with my ever losing job
as the cat jumps in my way
and hisses

The next day is peaceful
there is no commotion
and no emergency calls

It is closing time for my ever losing job
I turn to leave my office
and the cat sits in my threshold
unblinking,
staring at me

In their hearts human plan their course
but the Lord establishes their steps.
And although He hears what we say
there are only three answers:

           yes,
                        not now,

                                    and I have something better.

You are my something better.

This is not my home
But a road I used to know
Painted in a different town
With different streets and ways around.
I close my eyes and slowly breathe
As the memories begin to weave:
A country store, and long walks
Snow-covered trees, and deep talks.
Days like these I start to miss
The feeling of freedom and pure bliss.
But if this street can find a way
To the place where I must stay
It may be a simple sign
To let go of home and redefine.

The world is on fire
and it's all our fault
We thought we could escape it
But it seems we've been caught

The world is under water
It's drifting deep within
You see a shark is coming
But you forget to swim

The world is caving in
Upon its young and old
They all tried to warn us
Through the stories told

The world has disappeared now
We've destroyed beyond repair
There's no way left to fix it
Does a soul even care.