I may be ******* the outside
but if you. look closely you'll see
that I am delicate


no more than thin glass
easily breakable
and already shattered


A mosaic of pain
woven in detail to create a dysfunctional me
pieces shoved together haphazardly together in glue
to abstractedly resemble what was once new
and naive

She was an ocean
during a storm
with the tide raising
            up
               up
                  up
and I was wading through your frigid waters
with stones in my pocket
but your love was worth drowning in

I soak
  My pillows
              In tears
So often
   That they've
                Begun
To grow mold

I wish that, for once when I heard

I Love You

There wasn't an expiration date attached.

I think
   I outsource love
Because
   I don't believe
I deserve my own

If I was there
  I'd run my fingers through his hair
Tell him how much I truly care
  I'd sing to him softly
and kiss him loftily
I would talk about non-sense
and everything of importance

If I was there
I wouldn't be in such disrepair.

A simple kiss
one gentle caress of the lips
a small tug of the hips
Sends my thoughts in a twist
  and my judgment to miss

It's utter bliss
and complete oblivion

Head over heels
My worlds upside down
with you in it's center spinning 'round
and bringing me down.

3/12/2014

I’ve been beaten and abused
My body’s been used
My skin I scarred
My heart is left hard
My mind is weak
My outlook is bleak.

I open the windows when it rains
I watch the sky drown the earth the same way the pain of missing you drowns my soul

I smell the wet soil and think of home
             of the way the mountains smell in April
             of how the beach smells after a storm
With the waves crashing into droplets on the cities edge

I'm not religious but I pray that if I leave the windows open during the storm a droplet from Seattle will find it's way to me in the desert

One with salt from the Pacific and sap from the pines

I pray for a droplet from your home to find it's way into mine

I want to slit my veins open and watch as my life seeps into the drain. I want my body to slowly and painfully go limp and cold.
I want to stiffen up as death is finally able to grasp what little I have left.
I sit on bridges and watch trains pass bellow always wanting to jump in front of them.
I wait at crosswalks always on the look out for a semi with the perfect grill to rip me apart.
I constantly think of driving a car into the barriers of the freeway and hopefully flying out of the windshield and feeling my bones break and crumble

I'm such a ******* disappointment.

Even to myself.

Everyday I'm too cowardly to do the one thing I think about 24 ******* 7.
My blood boils with anticipation for the one time that I will finally end this miserable existence.
I dream about it.
I wake up in the night with the pain of a knife in my chest and am upset when it's not really there.

I am so sorry that I'm not dead yet, dad.

You must've misunderstood the type of women I was raised by
Because when they rose their fist and shouted
I AM EQUAL
they did not put it down to raise me
But instead lifted me by their shoulders and showed me how to raise my own

i see myself through the abstract
gentle touches of my own skin
i can never be fully enveloped in
through the periferialls
i see myself as paper thin
i am delecate
and am easily weighted by my own self
i am a reflection through glass
easily passed by
but leaves you wondering if there  is any true substance

And the scars on her wrist only faded
Never leaving her skin
Always shining through the tan
A tint of remembrance
A tint of strength
To wear forever
Her own personal Battle scars
Between existence and Extinction

She was Quaint
  And she was Quiet
But her words came in Quantity
With nothing other than Quality
She was a Quantitative Quilt of knowledge
Full of Questions and Queries
She was an ever moving Quill
Writing the book of her life

Yes she was Quaint
                   And Quiet.

It's not just music, it's a vibe
And when that bass drops, we come alive
With the synth and the snare
We are all transported there
Our minds are in the DJ's hands
Our bodies are slave to his beats demands
This is our one true escape
And it's entwined with his soul into a mixtape.

You hurt me
And there-fore cursed me
  I can not trust
When trust is a must
  Smiling is a vice
but it has a hefty price
I appear to be nice
but on the inside
     I'm broken
         Shattered
  Torn to shreds
Never to be together again

I'm Empty
and even still you say you want me
you steal my key
fear my knee
and find the love left in me
     I Love You
in my bones I know it's true
you make my gray skies blue
keep my smiles true
and there's nothing you need to do
I don't have a clue
of what I am to you
but I know
I can't let you go