What’s the difference between escapism and avoidance? “There isn’t one, they’re synonyms” I used to think that too Because I have been lying to myself for the past three years “It’s just a quick break” “I’m just winding down and then I’ll get things done” And yet Night after night I find myself lying in bed at 1:30 am Staring blankly at my phone Watching anything I can get my hands on to escape And scrambling the next day to get anything I avoided done I think that I’m simply just escaping into another world To take a break from reality When really I’m avoiding everything that I need to get done I’ve been lying to myself for 1128 days today Because I cannot get myself motivated to do anything I tell myself that I'll get it done in a minute But I know it won't be done until weeks after it was due I thought it was simply just escapism But I am a devout avoidance practicer There is a difference between escapism and avoidance Because escapism is a temporary break to set your mind straight And avoidance is escaping everything at any cost.
There’s a pile of papers Sitting on my desk Staring at me Taunting me Its eyes blink slowly And I stare back Wondering should I get started? No, I’ll do it later That was a month ago It’s a daily struggle now I’m not avoiding it, I swear I moved the pile to the corner of the room So it couldn’t stare at me anymore The pile has gotten higher taller Looming over me Disappointed that I’d rather read than finish them Its eyes narrow and it frowns at me Its stare boring into my back Revealing the hole where all of my motivation Dripping out Drip Drip drip I’m not avoiding it! I’m not.. I... But I don’t have any excuses to not do it
Chk-! Chk-! Chk-! Woosh! The tree falls down and I gather the wood that falls It fills up my inventory. An imaginary world controlled by a few keyboard clicks and mouse movements It’s not real but It better than my real life I’m an escapist of reality Because anywhere else would be better than this The pile of homework on my desk begs to differ But I ignore it I’ve been injured in a great dual. One of mighty wizards and witches, all battling for freedom. One of the medics heals my wounds, I watch as the skins magically starts coming back together Good as new As if it had never happened I wish paper cuts healed that fast There’s a dozen on my fingers from school work But let’s not think about that! Back to the great fantasy Away from my real life Away from everything My escape After all… my break hour isn’t over yet
definitely a minecraft reference a piece I use for S.A.D
The dark oil seeps into my lungs and then as fast as it came it goes pouring out turned into the hateful words I describe myself with drip drip drip but it isn't oil pouring out of my mouth it's blood pouring out of my wrists from the cuts inflicted from self hate from an inability to make myself feel okay drip drip drip unfortunately I have to patch up the cuts before all of the self hate can get out drip drip drip I'll wait a few days before I let it out again I can't bleed every night
There is a fine line between comfortable and safe Because being comfortable is the reverse of being safe When you’re uncomfortable you have all of your walls up Safe Nobody gets in If you hadn’t been comfortable maybe he wouldn’t have left you in the dust Picking up the broken pieces of your heart But like a jigsaw puzzle lost to time You couldn’t find all the pieces You’re broken and it’s because you were comfortable with him There’s a stutter in your throat when you say “I- I l-lo-love y-ou” Because “I love you” means comfortable and comfortable means being hurt again And he can’t understand why it comes out so broken He can’t understand why you try to keep yourself uncomfortable around him Because the last time you were comfortable You were harassed until the only option you could see to get out was a thread and a tree And a goodbye Because comfortable sounds like hugs and kisses and warm nights cuddled in bed But the reality of comfortable is Pain and vulnerability and never being able to trust again Maybe you’d have been safer being uncomfortable
Is this a rant? Am I good at poetry? Yes Probably not