I have always loved you.

I imagine us 30 years down the road.
I am massaging your shoulders,
relieving knots.
Life gets me in knots too.

I've put the kettle on
I have my own key now so I come and go as I please
like the old friend I've become.
I feed your cat when you go away at weekends.

Smelling your pillow
Remembering you at 40.
Your dressing table
as I pictured it.

I have my own family now
but I met you 10 years before I met my wife.
I rode the wave of your smile,
came crashing down
the day you announced you'd met someone,
holding out for the real thing.

For; I was just a boy,
what could I deliver apart from newspapers
and the odd dodgy innuendos? you laughed at
tossing your hair.
Humouring me
but,
Never letting on that you cared.

I slip away every second night
when the second hand rests between the 8 and the 9
and it is quarter to 10.
I am on my way to see you.
We play cards and toast a drink into midnight.
Sometimes I reach for your delicately aged hand
twiddling with your rings,
knowing mine would have been the sparkly one.
But not a patch on you.

We lock eyes for around a minute,
My throat is dry.
Telepathically I tell you
I have always loved you.
Whether you are 45 or 75
I will always love you.

Coffee stains pooling beneath my tired eyes
Small bruises flourishing along my chest
The taste of ***** still in my mouth
Or maybe the taste of your lips

Stretching my arms out to my side
Yawning as the sun waves goodmorning
Peaking in from my window
Pooling out onto my floor

Resting against the cool metal of my bed
The cold iron against my bare back
Blanket pulled up and tucked under my arms
I pull my knees up to my chest

Just enjoying the silence of the morning
Enjoying the memories

Happiness?
Happiness, lives not here.
It will never slumber in the chambers of my heart.
Look else where for happiness.
For already has it past, Happiness's cart.

****** are the mouths that hide feelings behind teeth
Wishing for words not to become like sidewalks, concrete
Fidgeting ever so slightly nibbling calcium ends into the night
Down to the quick for worries never far from sight
Nothing to stop the freight train of pondering
No road blocks to keep a torn mind from wandering
Into process of thought that become so problematic
One can only sit back and look at just how tragic
The mind is…

Set adrift on a sea of sweetness
Wondering how it could be so featless

Dried up from a lack of water flowing in
The steam is gone the sweet cannot be filled again

The water becomes stagnant and blown away by reciprocity
Always acting on the verge of animosity

Thought it best to leave, now returning for a quick drink
But the water is no longer flowing, it is not what you think

A kindness taken as a weakness, merely words saw as deceit
Sweet compliments seen as advances to meet
Were little more then sweet words, only meant to lift you off your feet!

You lived next to a mushroom field
The smell was pungent and distinct
It reaked of sewage and sulfur
I never understood how anyone could
"Just get used to it."

I hate mushrooms now
Moreso that I ever did before.
I mull over the things you did to me
And made me do to you.
All I can remember is
The smell creeping up my nasal passage
Strangling me
Choking me.

Since that day,
My life has resembled that place.
So much junk to deal with
Such a despicable scent
People wonder how I deal with it.

I don't even know how I stand the stench.
But I find it funny, oh the irony
In how I have come to simulate
The place I detest the most.