I dream of world’s, or at least portals to them.

It always plays back to me like a broken memory. The places location and buildings change, the people change but the two optional outcomes ALWAYS remain constant. It started when I was a little girl, maybe six or seven, I started having serious reoccurring dreams. The one I tell you about now is the one I referred to as “The Portal.”
We are walking along, depending on who it is, we are at school, work, or someplace downtown. There are always others around.

It is always Autumn, a day just chilly enough for the light coats we are wearing. The sky has lots of fluffy cotton ball clouds Drifting by, in the breeze always carries the scent of the Sea, saltwater, the breeze also carries the Fallen Autumn Leaves upon it on the warm wind Drifting by, even if there are no trees. And we’re always, or always end up outside, walking along.

After what feels like walking for an hour or so in this dream of mine, the winds pick up Suddenly. The sharp smell of ozone cuts the air. The tear, Rift, opening, mini black hole, wormhole whatever you want to call it this portal to another place, opens up with a flash of Silent Violet lightning.
It creates suction like squirrel, pulling things into it; mailboxes, cars, Lake posts all seemed to disintegrate when it touches it, all but the birds and trees being ****** in.

And somehow I always know, but the only way for it to go, it’s to get what it came for. I must go, it always gives me the choice though. If I do not jump, into the sky, it fades away over time. It has never forced me to go. Take another thing was, perhaps a faceless person, but I’ve never been made to go against my will by it.

It is always you, or the one beside me grabbing my hand as I jump. My feet dangle in the sky, towards the rift. I am not afraid, but you are. And the tears roll down her cheeks, to drift into the static.

It is a cool and sunny autumn day, and the sky is full of clouds. The breeze and air current is strong going into the portal, but also gentle is the wind Swirls and leaves float to the air. And you are always one or many of you, my love ones, my friends, my family, always holding on to me, onto to my wrists.
There is only ever one thing you say is our tears trip into the sky, “Please.”

Sometimes, I grabbed on in the whole crackles like a bad radio signal, closes and I waken. But the other times, most of the time. I will look you in the eyes, and I will say the three things I never seem to failed to say at this point. And the final thing I hate to say, just say unless I hate you, or it is final.
“ let go. You’ll be fine. Goodbye.”
After those final words for me, and he holding me ceases, even if I must look through your fingers. And I’m drawn into the tear.

I never find out where I go. But I’ve noticed, but even if I wake up and the temperature is 20 degrees, I always and never hold, feeling is the surrounded by gentle Cocoon of warmth.

I never told my mother this story, and not long ago when I was 19, she told me something at a hard time I was having,
“If the Portal opens, JUMP.” ~BLW

It’s a variation of Our Own, on the Total Recall quote get your *** to Mars because she would say that too, but it also meant she said,
“ if you are given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, even if you must leave oh you know and love behind, Take It.”
Written Sunday February 19th, 2017

I dream of Wheat, and a wife in a past life.

It always plays back to me in flashes like a memory of a past life. Her ankle length Azure dress, the blue sky with so few clouds. Her pale skin and bare feet as we walk. I carry her many brass-buckled sandals as we walk, these are things that always come back to me in echos, these things always remain constant. It started when i was a little girl, maybe six or seven, I started having a series of recurring dreams. The one I tell you about now always feels like it happened before, I call it “Woman of Wheat.”

Sometimes I am a grown man, I wear leather bracers with lions or a tree, an old oak design. My hands are calloused and as I look down to step over a root I see my maroon tunic and leather breeches and buckled boots I wear also. I am tall and strong. My blades are heavy and familiar upon my back.
Sometimes I am a Grown Woman, I wear Iron rings upon my hands, and brass wrist cuffs with a chiseled vining flower design. My hands are scarred from my previous life of war, my arms are scared and I feel the pain of the fire under my brass arm cuffs even still. As I look down to step over a root I see my white knee-length dress, secured with a brass chain belt, the buckle is chiseled leather with a Lion head, a mane made of Serpents. My thin yet deadly blade bounces on my hip. Why do these things stick out to me so? I was once able to bear, but cannot any longer, yet our children are strong and beautiful.

Her face, always seems out of focus as we walk upon the worn path through the golden, harvest ready wheat stalks. They come up near out chests and waists, I run my hands over the grain as I pass. Her shoes dangle always in my right hands, my Sword hand.

Her hair falls in Ringlets down to the center of her back. The Sun lights her up, making her seems like a Seraphim or Valkyrie. It shines Golden, red and caramel in the light of day, like blood stained gold, soft as silk she sometimes lets me braid it.
Her laughter sounds like joyous chimes around us. Sometimes, their laughter, the laughter of our children joins in, as they rush through the wheat just out of sight. I catch glimpses of them as they run past me, they are so beautiful and fill me with love. My sons and daughter, our three children, my little lion cubs.

When she turns back to me, she doesn’t say anything, just smiles an joyous smile upon her crimson painted lips, and her laugh twinkles through the air like soothing chimes in the air once more. Her eyes I cannot remember the shape, but I will always remember the color; A clear emerald, seafoam green. It is these eyes I fell in love with when I first looked upon her, and do so every time. Her soul shines like a lighthouse, to a sailor lost in a hurricane through them to me.
It is so peaceful as we walk, just walk though the wheat on a clear day as a cooling breeze shuffles the land. I don’t know how long the five or so of us walk through the fields, just walking through our harvest with a purpose to be somewhere, but us in no hurry to get anywhere. Only laughter from her and the children ringing around me, and I chuckle at their antics.

It feels as though I had waited lifetimes to have this sort of peace after all I feel I have done.
When I wake I am always happy but a little sad. I never know the shape of her or my children’s faces. I only know their eyes and hair and laughter. I have never known them in this lifetime, in this reality. But I miss them as though I did.


Written: Monday Febuary 20th 2017

You've got to take the good with the bad,
smile with the sad,
love what you've got, and remember what you had.
Always forgive, but never forget.
Learn from mistakes, but never regret.

“Sitting next to me you are an angel next to a demon…but I respect that.”

маленькая сестра , маленькая сестра , почему ты спрячься подальше ?
Ты красивая. Вы золото .
Не Поверите ли вы его и сделать как ваш сказал ?
Он говорит вам правду , но вы не поверили ему . Подумайте, он бьющий ложь , что привело вас без причины.
Он говорит вам правду , ты прекрасна , ты принадлежишь в своей постели .
Вы больше, чем просто тело к нему , ты его сердце и место для отдыха его усталую голову .

Splintered shields and cracking swords lay all around me on these burning hills.
I stand alone, the last of my kind.

  Here I stand my wings dripping red, lifeblood staining my sword and my shield but also dripping from your head.
  A Valkyrie, an angel of Death
I hover over your waning Life waiting with baited breath.
  The fields once green,
now stained with your brothers and sisters now fallen,
blackened with blood and ash and flesh, of friend and foe alike.
    The last one left waiting to enter my halls,
you fought you won you gave it your all.
    Little Warrior, little ***** if I summon,
will you finally answer my call?

As you finally lay down your head,
I shall sing you the Valkyrie's lullaby of final rest.
Brave little warrior,
I shall sing you the lullaby of Death.

Love me, use me, Never let me go.
Quench this unbearable thirst, this fire in my soul.
...

Use me, hate me, ravage me, destroy me,
As long as in the end you promise to hold me in your arms and love me.
...

Grab my neck and pull my hair only keens and moans will be gotten from there.
...

Stroke me like a harp, pluck me like a live wire string.
Tighten me up, and snap me so I scream.
...

Fill me, tempt me, push me, pull me.
Throw me to the bed and make me sing
...

Hold me down and shatter me,
Pick me apart, and rebuild me made just for you.
...

You met me a cracked photo frame empty and useless,
Now fixed, filled full with only your image.
...

Please don't leave me I promise to obey!
Hold me apart so my pieces don't stray,
Here in you arms Sir forever I will stay.
...

Its frightening as a thunderclap in a twilight forest and as deafening as the steady drip-drops in a cavern beyond light.
As choking as being tossed asunder with no life preserver in a raging sea, to be swallowed in ice and time.
As sought after as a ******'s pure kiss, by needy fervent lips and steady hands gripping all the more tighter.
   As feared as Death's embrace, if not more, because it says you are finally alone.
     It is that blissful white noise, that comes with a much sought after release with a patient and attentive lover.
       It is the steady dull ache in your bones, as the glistening blade caresses your skin.

      As it washes over me I breathe deep. I feel the fear, and the panic as to what if they find me this time, and will they ever.
     But as I let wave after wave crash down upon me, drip after drop hit the floor.
     As my fear gives way to bliss my lover could not bring, my panic drifts to calm from the songs the knife does sing.
...As comforting as floating in the ocean, as soft as a lovers sated kiss, as lost as a child's purity, and as beautiful as Lady Death's familiar arms.

   I cannot wait to seek the cool embrace once again...

My skin is frying, I can't stop crying, I feel like I'm dying.
Your touch soothes my fever, your arms hold me together, your bed is my grave.
...
  This flame of desire inside me burning so bright,
only you can save me on this night.
...
Here I lay dripping with desire,
for your arrival to calm my fire.
  Fill me, tempt me, push me to the limit,
with your burning, chilling touch of Frostbite,
Please save me this night!
...
Call me your "Good Girl", pet me, Play,
withdraw your heat and watch me sway,
Please Sir, don't take this blissful feeling away.
...
I wait on my knees by your side,
Not because I am expected to,
but because it is where I feel safest.
...
**** me roughly, love me tenderly
Strip me bare till there's nothing left, build me up and tear me apart
In your calloused hands, I place my tender heart.
...

When the heart is stilled,
and our eyes are blind.
   When our limbs are lead,
and our hands are chained and numb.

   Keep your eyes open,
Use the pain to stay alive.
   Protect your Allies son,
protect them with your life.

   Get them out of the dark,
and lead them into the light.
   Protect your comrades son,
Protect them with your life.

  *  Even if only one of you can
leave this fiery Hell.*
   If even only one of you survives
then a victory has been one!
  
   For they cannot stop you child,
If together you stand and fight!
   Fight for your rights my Child,
Fight to live your life!

    Fight for what you believe in Son,
fight for what you know is right.
   Defend your brothers and Sisters son,
protect what you hold most tight.

    You know your lives are ending,
as you stand and fight.
   But as you lay here dying,
You see him striding through the light.

   He stands tall and strong now,
the Boy now a man,
   Not a child in any's eyes,
Standing tall in the light.

   With his Infantry behind him,
he blasted all enemies in sight.
   When the others saw him they burst into tears,
For their arrival also washed away their fears.

I know I'm not worthless, I still got some fight left.
I'm afraid I might be losing, I'm getting sick of choosing,
between the ones I love and the ones I love more.
   Do you notice how I'm hurting? as I write another story?
While I'm hiding in my music and spend my time musing.
     I believe if I can't be weeping when I'm always sleeping.
Shadows whisper, sweet nothings tempting me with the dark.
No I won't go gently into the night,
I'll keep on fighting while the light dies!
   Hearing a name feels like a bullet tearing through my chest
and I seem to have fallen apart again.
I will call out if i start to go numb, scream out if I'm falling
and bleed out while I'm breaking.

i promise you know me the most
i promise you'll watch it all up close.
i promise you'll see a side of me ill never show.
i promise you'll see my eyes full of sympathy for a world that wants me
on my knees.
i promise even if i can barely stand ill find you a place to land.
i promise ill find a remedy for this world that'll hang me by the rope.
i promise when the leaves are falling faster i will find you a happy ever after.
i promise to try and give hope through my endeavors.
i promise if there was nothing wrong there'd be nothing right.
i promise when the quire sings and church-bells ring ill forgive the
wrongs they did.
i promise ill hold their hands
i promise ill take their swords
i promise ill be their shield
i promise ill watch them
i promise ill guide them
i promise ill protect them
i promise as i have all along
i promise to love them.

When there's fire in your Hearts,
And fire in your Souls,
  Raise your weapons Child and fight for your right,
not to be left in the cold.
  Your past doesn't matter,
for that i am sure.

  Fight for those you love,
and get them safe to shore!
  Fight for your life,
Follow your gut and your soul!

  To them i am a Pawn to be moved as they please.
So who better than I, To slay this villainous King,
For which you would die?

   So with fire in my Heart and fire in my soul,
I will raise my mighty arrow,
and strike him down in the cold.
   My once dear twin brother,
now a tyrant on the throne!

   But as they try me for my crimes,
I ask that you not cry.
  For I do this for you my love,
For our children do i die!

   At the chopping block I stand,
Stand tall and do not cry.
  When i look to our family,
I see our children fair.
  I look to our youngest child,
Our daughter with her Auburn hair.
   There were tears in her eyes
but she dared not to cry,
   For the blood traitor to the Crown,
So she watched her mother die.

   But before I faded here,
I saw the Fire in her eyes!
  And i knew it in my Heart
what i had set in motion.
   I knew it in my Soul,
I had started a revolution!

   For i saw it in my soul my love,
I saw our child die!
   Our child will fight for us, and one day die for us,
but not for a Long long Long long time!

   For she has a land to save,
my fight is now hers!
    My dearest little Kankri,
There is Fire in her Heart, and Fire in her Soul.
   She will lead this revolution,
with her brothers by her side!
She will lead this revolution, and become a legend to be told.

    I will die for my family, and her for this land.
We will fight for what we love, and do as the Gods command!
   Martyrs for our love, to be remembered far and wide,
As myths to be told, till the sun begins to die!
  
   With Fire in your Heart,
And Fire in your Soul,
    Raise your weapons child,
and fight for what it is that you hold most dear!
   Whether it be your friends or your children,
your home or your land,
   Raise your weapons son,
and Protect all you can!

We reach the end, we close our eyes, we hold the blade to our throats, we wonder what's the point anymore? Why go on? The pain is so much more. He comes along, he takes our hands, he takes our pain, He keeps us sane.

(Chorus)
He takes away our fear, he wipes away our tears, he heals all our pain. Yet behind those child eyes, he cowers alone in fear; afraid of his own monster, lurking just beneath. He knows all our pain, he knows all our fears, he's the oldest child here.

Sister just was murdered, lover just ODd looking down the at the street, 50 stories under me. I take a breath and leap, but he is always there, he catches us when he falls, he loves us all so dearly, he's just one person though, how many can he save? He reaches out to all of us, anyone who bleeds, and that's why we all say to him, he just can't save the world. But still he tries to take it all away, to keep us all sane.

(Chorus)

He chases away the dark, reaches for our hands, even when grown men fall,  still on he will stand. Never giving in, friends to everyone, yet still he stands alone. How long must he stand alone? Who will share the burden? Who else could be strong enough?

(Chorus)
Who takes away his fear, who wipes away his tears? Who heals all his pain? Who gets behind those child eyes, when he cowers alone in fear? afraid of his own monster, lurking just beneath. Who knows all his pain? who knows all his fears? he's just oldest child here.

And he takes this burden on alone.

Can you see? Can you see?!
Where the Faye roam free,
Where the earth and the sky are one in the night.
  Can you see, can you see?
Where the Faries fly free,
   And dance in the light of the moon shining bright.
   *Can you hear? Can you hear?!
The laughter of the lutes,and the songs of the Stars.
As they pull you to their world, too enchanted to run.
     Can you hear, Can you hear?
The songs of the Sirens trying to beguile,
   And the tunes of the Naiads calling you to drown,
Into the depths of the water, of which they both ware the Crown.

I know...

...I know where I've been. I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going. I know my name but not the meaning. I know what I've done, and I have an idea of the Hell I'll have to go though someday to try to fix it.

  And yet I still have these memories, of her, of the one I once knew. And when I walk down the Street they speak your name, and I answer, the act as though they know who we really are.
  They make promises, they will never keep. They look you in the eye as they lie straight to your face, saying that they will be there when you need them the most. But when you give them the sign that you're hurting or need help, they turn their back and step away.

  Every morning when I look into the mirror I see your face gazing back at me. It's cruel you know. To have left me so, to have left me alone with them. I never knew what your world was like until now.

And. As I walk through the shadows, and the valley of death to your grave. And I begin to weep, I've realized that it wasn't me who had lived all these years alone, with a lover her, and a girlfriend there. It was you.
It was you who fell in love, it was you who took Vanessa Jones to homecoming your sophomore year, and made love in the bathroom. It was you who lived, who loved.
It was you who lived, the grave called out...and it was me who died that day not you, yet it was me who took your place and you who filled my grave, until now when we finally will be rejoined at last.
My beloved, well loved ghost sister. The one who fills my grave.

I know, because we are one and the same.

The battlements crumble,
    The mead-halls decay
Joyless and still, the warriors sleep
    Where they fell by the wall, they defended.
The bright ale cup lies trampled underfoot,
    And only the gray wolves drink deeply,
Of the lifeblood so carelessly spilled
  By their master, their mother
       The very Earth herself.

I don't know who I am anymore,
Even though I know where I’ve been.

You’re always happy, always smiling,
always the life of the party.
   But when no one’s looking,when no one’s around,
you let the sadness seep through you, out and abound.
Standing in the darkness, I see you there.
Abandoned yet surrounded, with no one left to care.

To them you are brave, strongest of them all.
But to me you, as I see you standing there.
   You are alone in the crowd, to them always faire.
  You do not stick out because you are brave...
    You stand out because you are lost.
Lost in the woods, the only difference is I like it this way.

If you let me, I could help you... I could lead you out.
You are already on the path,
          tripping, stumbling, and crashing along.
But I am here, I have always been right here beside you.
Using these blood-stained white roses,
      and their thorns, to steer you right.
   The worst is yet to come, but for me to truly help you,
To lead you to the light.
You must open your eyes, and see me first.

I know you wonder, as this story is told,
  If you have sold, your soul,
   and given yourself away to easily,
      to be lead out into the Light.
But you already know the answer, you have always known who I am,
   Have always felt a shadow here.
Open your eyes and let me in.

Sincerely,
the Real you.