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Dec 2020 · 16
Loneliness has shadowed me longer now
longer than when I had peace
How do I make myself see that something is left to live even now
This pressure has surmounted me for years
Guilt has overtaken everything palpable within me
I have no God left in me
I wish my suffering had some value
I wish is all
Hope is left a bit
I never intend to lose it
I probably never would......
Nov 2020 · 34
not a poem
When you are genuinely a cynical person, there is a tendency that you have an essence of existentialism which is a euphemism for nihilism and I have become nihilistic.
I have a voice that contradicts me, it troubles my self-esteem, it seems very rational, to be honest, most of the things that the voice says is true, rationality can be disastrous especially in this mythic world, one must not dare, or just be partially rational.
I feel so lonely at the bottom of my heart, it affects me really. I genuinely try not to be miserable, still things don't go that well. I have a rational reason for that because my thoughts are so intermingled I have somehow developed a different psyche, it's like splitting in two, coercing myself to be on the right track and perish afterwards if I fail.

I have nights with my mind that I wish on nobody, I also wanted to die but I realise my life is not mine to take. Rationally, me being a *** is better than being dead, I have a conscience that would not let me do that to others. After all, someone has brought up this crap for years, investing their precious money on probably everything I have. My death would scar them for life, either way, they are scared enough.

My main point of giving this context is how does one not want to die in this miserable, utter ******* life ?
Am I too fragile for this place?
What is this sudden rage that comes to me thinking about my condition, my place in this world?
World, I don't have my drug to pass this life, I don't think I would want any and that's the problem.
I can't wrap my head around the difference between living a better life and the least hell of a life.
Jul 2020 · 49
Fo come from spite
Fo come from spite
Right back to it
Now is the time to be resilient
Be spiteful to the spite
By being compassionate
Never **** a brick with a brick
Rather use the drill
Jul 2020 · 37
I hate writing headings
Dear me
Go about your endeavours
Without expedient
Without compulsive actions
Things may become warm in your heart
May 2020 · 46
In the  kosher of night
When thoughts run down your mind
You ask yourself the mystery
The one you have to live with
Peeling its thick skin
Day by day, night by night
Everyone has a way of peeling things
For some the peeled off skin is hygenic
For some the inside fruit
For some the skin grows over and over again
For me Iam just letting it be
Feb 2020 · 163
Pitch black room
Water running in the bathtub
Blood run too
Jan 2020 · 85
There are Jews in the world
There are Buddhists
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm
You don't have to be a six-footer
You don't have to have a great brain
You don't have to have any clothes on You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,
Every ***** is sacred
Every ***** is great
If a ***** is wasted,
God gets quite irate
Jan 2020 · 53
Ploxy plot
Here is a circular rectangle
There is a red blue tree with branches like cotton candy
Where is a one **** girl who wants to put her nails in my nails ?
There she is holding a cache of 2mb size
Whome does this child's toy's toy's belong to ?
It belongs to the guy who paints ASCII values
Iteration is the key to recursion which leads to
One juxtaposition to another hexadecimal value
Searching n sorting are old school for finding a liar in urn of 5 blue ***** and 10 black *****
Probability of finding a **** in hand of a 2year old with no teeth is #
Y chromosome with X chromosome gives something as XOXO
Jan 2020 · 526
Greatest poem of all time
Jan 2020 · 48
Tramps like us
Baby, we should never have been born !!
**** me please (not with your words)
Jan 2020 · 160
Black shampoo...uhh
Darkest of skies inside my eyes
Kissing drops of disguise
Jan 2020 · 146
so so bad
Some days are just not meant for being cautious.....
Jan 2020 · 56
Stimuli of your smell
Makes me your Pavlov Dog
Oct 2019 · 280
Jizzed to this
Morning wood huh !
Up again nice and working
Looking for a *******
Uh do i have an appropriate sized one ?
Contemporary **** again
Numbing your mind again
Eyes wide af everytime
Stimulus to the fetishes
How lonely are we that we need to touch ourselves ?
Nothing can be as weird and intense than this
But its too normal to eradicate
Basic **** basic *******
And that juice that lady in the **** loves so eagerly
I mean seriously ?
Why would someone want to be choked ?
Start a fight instead, it would be more fun

After several insertion in and out
Repeation after repeation
Why wouldn't you insert differently everytime
Gotta have a motion
Gotta have some ******
****** for that lava to come out of volcano
Slimy ****
Disgusting and demeaning progeny producing shampoo liquid
Has **** made us confident in bed ?
Well with my small sac set as compared to longed longetivitus penises, Iam insecure af
Why would you give us a guide to such sacred art
We should have done weird **** without telling anybody

Its all women's fault .These oppressed minorites
Always complaining and *******

Dear diary help me Iam sleepy
But before that i must bust a nut to Halle Berry

I wonder who discovered jizzing ?
#offending sarcasm
Sep 2019 · 100
Poetry is a hoax now
Metaphors are vague
All the ideas are for love and hate
Oppressed ungrateful thoughts
Even though they have it better than the most

Repetition of the same idea over and over again
We get it, move over your boyfriend or girlfriend
You are going to eventually
Its just young love either ways
Too dumb for real suffering

There was time when poetry was nature and subtle observations
And geniuses were who wrote them
Now its a 17 year old female
And people like me
Don't say you are using pen to write
When you're typing it on your phone
Sep 2019 · 84
I'am self-aware and deluded at the same time
Fantasy for a mind
Sep 2019 · 88
Look at you
Looking at this
You beautiful thing with half asleep eyes
Sep 2019 · 73
Haiku 02
Harmones are famished
Songs that ignites them
Songs that unites them
Sep 2019 · 166
Haiku 01
Love seems far off
Life seems disheartening
Still there is hope
Sep 2019 · 244
Adult phase
Worthless now
Worthwhile tomorrow
Sep 2019 · 166
Love part ll
Sep 2019 · 445
There is a Monopoly for love in these times
In the name of love will you suffer or will you smile ?
Sep 2019 · 495
Place for a cry
Pretentious love
Young love articulating itself
Mostly teens having disorders and inadequacy
Heartbroken subordinates
Finding their peace in mythic love narratives
And thats not for me to judge
But as one sassed mouth boy said
"If you listen to katy perry's lyrics for wisdom , then **** yourself "
Has it became an escape for you ?
Maybe just a brief time for deep contemplation
Having hope in sprinkles
Whatever helps i guess.....
Another kind of a drug i guess.....
I hate that one has to add hashtags at last of their poetry
very very formal and pretentious
Sep 2019 · 109
Dont do it

                     Don't don't don't do it

I swear on my niece i'll never do it

                    (Sometime after abstinence)

                                    You can afford to do it now

You deserve happiness

        No wonder you are so weak

             Your mind is a hypocrite self indulgent

                  Piece of crap !!

     Yes crap

                             So much for self control

        So much for the standards of society

             So much for excellence and focus

           Not so much for the fog in your mind

                       After you bust a nut

                                           ******* through life

Objectifying seems fun

                     And jugs everywhere i see

  I have a filthy mind can u see....

I feel you can see through me

                 That i feel guilty
         But still i do
                    Addiction serves its purpose

   Its addiction for a reasons
           Will make you a different person before it leaves

        But still it doesn't leave

           But relapse is a part of recovery

   Deep guilt within me still
                 Still I will do it

                            Bust it and feel the rush in my bones

                                Bust it and feel that I'am numb

                                                               ­        this is not gross

its something organic huh !!

               its disgusting actually

                                 I'am so filthy and I know it (sass)
Sep 2019 · 134
"dont criticize what you can't understand"
Sep 2019 · 52
How could she tie her hair like that
Her neck so thin like swan's
Yet so graceful with her messy hair
I know iam good at reading your back of the head
It feels so stalkish and amazing
Your body is like an earthern ***
Eyes mysterious
Lips sealed
Hands that i can hold forever
If u let me...
Sep 2019 · 44
To me
You have been loathing yourself all your life
Get over it
You are cynical and you have lost your charm and thoughts
Look on people's faces
Doubting you
You Contemplating everything thats broken
Putting back pieces in your fantasy
Truth seems far off now that my mind is numb
Your honesty to yourself is in question
See through yourself
Figure out the depth even if you know there is despair
Live that suffering
Come out from your world of compulsions
Come out of your misery
Burn in your fire
And come out burnt
Aug 2019 · 56
Wish me luck
Unbalanced vehicle

Jumping off altitude

Railings to lay

Pills for breakfast

Magic knot rob

Swallowing a hit

Wrist friction

Neck nectar

Disembodied ever than before
Aug 2019 · 55
I hate people
I do
I do hate their superficial gazes
Their ******* grin
Their fundamental emotion for feeling superior
Their lust for things
I hate them altogether
I see them in and out
Their hopelessness in their optimism
Their shallow minds in the excitement
Moreover these happy satisfied people don't give a ****
I wish i could go away
Have actual freedom for the spirit
I don't understand social construct
I despise people from the core
I hate me friends especially
They give me a general guide to dislike people
Jul 2019 · 63
I hate life
I genuinely do
With all my concious intact
Repeating things saddens me
New things make me unsettle
People I see in my daily life, more i converse i feel like going away from them
They can't handle the real me either ways
But if i dont socialize
I'am lonely and I feel that too
Although I enjoy that for sometime
I have to take responsibilty
And that is the consequence of the action i did
I understand logic
And I want to deny that with all my heart
Every narrative is been false to me
When i experience it myself
I cant articulate my emotions and I don't know what's so wrong about life
Depressed kid with nobody to have given attention me
Wouldn't deserve that though
Any kind of belonging when i have denied that to myself
How much i hate myself and want to change
But I can't
Jun 2019 · 46
Thunder with no sound
Somethings are faster than the other
Light beats sound
My emotions and habits beats my will to improve
The best scene on earth for me is my verandah
When the rain falls everything lightens up
There is a smell that is nostalgia
Can you believe that something is pouring out of the sky ,is so beautifull
Can be so soothing at times
I draw my hands out to clench some drops
Its as precious as anything
It is demanding your attention
Keep you silent and calm in your own mind
It doesnt need to be expressed
It is to be felt
Leaves finally got a bath
Their veins brightening up
Colors seem better when they are wet
I feel better too...
Jun 2019 · 59
Netflix n chill
I cant bear the numbness
The silence and the nothingness
Watching netflix feeling cold
May 2019 · 65
Have an extra skin
An extra layer
Flex it and it will bulge out
Every thick cut makes you feel incompetent and unworthy
Conditioning by commercials made us ******* addicted
Addicted to something we dont even want
But we need to feel better about ourselves
Realizing later all the positive philosophy and greatness of lives on our own
Feel gratitude towards the society
Forgetting everything and forgiving
Still having inferiorities shaping our whole lives
Focusing on the negatives is bad they say
But how much good they give us too
What if they are more of a blessing towards change
How naturally being someone has many levels of consideration among society
How everyones got their roles and names

I have fragments of thoughts, put together and you get a lump of fat flesh seeming like circular eccentric waves of water when a drop falls.

Want a hug in this chubby body.
May 2019 · 69
I Sigh for a poem
May 2019 · 259
Sleepless Nights
Most of the nights are numb
Crying for help in this moonless night
I am aware of the silence around
It surrounds me
Preys upon me
And i let it happen
My thoughts drown in a shallow despair
I cant think no more
I dont even want to express or share to you
Its for my memoir
Its for my release
Its my helplessness that i dont need help with
May 2019 · 186
Dok kow
Iam goe my itial are goe
Iam slowly fadng away
My houghs are cramping
t feels lke numb
omething i wrong
Just cant put te words in place

Can you save me ? Can you place things in order for me ? Can you help ?Call me by name.
Riddle for uh
May 2019 · 324
**** **** ****
I want to fake more to make you feel good about yourself
Truth doesn't matter baby people should be compassionate about each other feelings, I'am not gonna hurt you and say you cant satisfy me
Actually I'am not
So that I can make your violent instincts come to life, the frustrated feeling that you have been holding , and the thousands of ***** that   had conditioned you to think that i enjoy this so i will eventually would

May 2019 · 235
Anxiety and shame
Watching the screen day and night
Making my eye pop out of the stimulus I see
Filling my mind up with thoughts
Sort of like a cognitive *******
Now it feels redundant
Nothing makes sense to me
Still I watch the screen day and night
Coz i have literally lost my mind
Its just self loathing based self awareness
and lack of interest in things
Iam in a loop of shame
I need to get out of it
Sometimes I feel like I even like this
Romanticising Charles Bukowski
It feels like a safe place to be in a state like this
and paradoxically I hate everything about it too
Maybe I should have never put thought to things life would me much easier then
Trying to be inch perfect
Hoping to derive something as exactly as you think
By everything that you observe
World makes you believe that is right
Gravity works, things dissolve....
But things doesnt always fall in place
Sometimes its chaotic
And you blame yourself to be the one thats the fault
You couldn't conquer your mind like everybody else
How do I get rid of this nihilism that surrounds me ?
I dont have questions for this world anymore
My curiosity is dead
I just have this urge to feel adequate
This perpetual need to feel the warmness
Eventually iam gonna get tired of my thoughts
And pass the **** out for another day of life
Bless you all and everyone around me to lead a life itself in its every form...
Jan 2019 · 68
i dont really like myself
now this projection i can see in other people's faces
how do i explain being in a blanket
with my breadth and my condensed screen
how do i explain my sticky last toes
my wierd moods
my lofty heels
my passionate burst
my drowning in self loath
my initial likeability
and my post repulse
i always like to carry my bag
my two strapped bag
even when there is no need
but there is always more to my shoulders than that
walking in patterns people say
talking in patterns
Am i too transparent to see ?
then why cant you help me ?...
Jun 2018 · 104
How am I supposed to heal if I can't feel time.
quote from the movie memento
Jun 2018 · 110
I just can't wait to see you
After colors wash off from my face and you fly back to your freedom land
I want to clench you drop by drop
upto the brim of my hands
Then make my hands touch my face softly
Maybe savor you from my lips

To be with you in dawn
Maybe just watch you disintegrate into me
Water touching swiftly the shore as if to want something from the field
Leaf lying to get across in its flow wanting to be in its journey
Small planked boats
Squik !! As we sat on it
Hurdling our way to peace
I see you in calm with the sky
With the lake
With the hurdle you sway
And maybe with me too
We threw pebbles just as everyone
To the level the rise in our presence

I look down upon the lake

To see our reflections in the lake as happy
One stone, it's sad
Two stone , you are gone
Maybe I lied

I just can't wait to see you
And wonder all this again.....
This is something I wrote for a girl who lives in a different country than mine.
It was the day of 'Holi' (a festival of colors in India)  and it was also time for a week long holiday where she had gone to her home ( maybe in qatar)
This is just my fantasy about her, I have not met her officially , that is why all that description of spending time with her and meeting is kind of just my imagination. I wish I could meet her but rather I only watch her from my seat trying not be noticed.
But I literally want nothing more than seeing her in my college, that is all this poem comes to an end.
Jun 2018 · 128
Dim Light
Here Comes the Dim Light,
Nice and Dim,
Makes the shadows more than them,
Brightens the room more than bright,
Eyes get sleepy after some time,
Come one, Let's  switch off this Dim Light !!

— The End —