Loneliness has shadowed me longer now
longer than when I had peace
How do I make myself see that something is left to live even now
This pressure has surmounted me for years
Guilt has overtaken everything palpable within me
I have no God left in me
I wish my suffering had some value
I wish is all
Hope is left a bit
I never intend to lose it
I probably never would......

When you are genuinely a cynical person, there is a tendency that you have an essence of existentialism which is a euphemism for nihilism and I have become nihilistic.
I have a voice that contradicts me, it troubles my self-esteem, it seems very rational, to be honest, most of the things that the voice says is true, rationality can be disastrous especially in this mythic world, one must not dare, or just be partially rational.
I feel so lonely at the bottom of my heart, it affects me really. I genuinely try not to be miserable, still things don't go that well. I have a rational reason for that because my thoughts are so intermingled I have somehow developed a different psyche, it's like splitting in two, coercing myself to be on the right track and perish afterwards if I fail.

I have nights with my mind that I wish on nobody, I also wanted to die but I realise my life is not mine to take. Rationally, me being a *** is better than being dead, I have a conscience that would not let me do that to others. After all, someone has brought up this crap for years, investing their precious money on probably everything I have. My death would scar them for life, either way, they are scared enough.

My main point of giving this context is how does one not want to die in this miserable, utter ******* life ?
Am I too fragile for this place?
What is this sudden rage that comes to me thinking about my condition, my place in this world?
World, I don't have my drug to pass this life, I don't think I would want any and that's the problem.
I can't wrap my head around the difference between living a better life and the least hell of a life.

Fo come from spite
Right back to it
Now is the time to be resilient
Be spiteful to the spite
By being compassionate
Never **** a brick with a brick
Rather use the drill

Dear me
Go about your endeavours
Without expedient
Without compulsive actions
Things may become warm in your heart

In the  kosher of night
When thoughts run down your mind
You ask yourself the mystery
The one you have to live with
Peeling its thick skin
Day by day, night by night
Everyone has a way of peeling things
For some the peeled off skin is hygenic
For some the inside fruit
For some the skin grows over and over again
For me Iam just letting it be

Pitch black room
Water running in the bathtub
Blood run too

There are Jews in the world
There are Buddhists
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm
You don't have to be a six-footer
You don't have to have a great brain
You don't have to have any clothes on You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because
Every ***** is sacred
Every ***** is great
If a ***** is wasted,
God gets quite irate

Here is a circular rectangle
There is a red blue tree with branches like cotton candy
Where is a one **** girl who wants to put her nails in my nails ?
There she is holding a cache of 2mb size
Whome does this child's toy's toy's belong to ?
It belongs to the guy who paints ASCII values
Iteration is the key to recursion which leads to
One juxtaposition to another hexadecimal value
Searching n sorting are old school for finding a liar in urn of 5 blue ***** and 10 black *****
Probability of finding a **** in hand of a 2year old with no teeth is #
Y chromosome with X chromosome gives something as XOXO

Relative
No Superlative

Tramps like us
Baby, we should never have been born !!

Darkest of skies inside my eyes
Kissing drops of disguise

Some days are just not meant for being cautious.....

Stimuli of your smell
Makes me your Pavlov Dog

Morning wood huh !
Up again nice and working
Looking for a *******
Uh do i have an appropriate sized one ?
Contemporary **** again
Numbing your mind again
Eyes wide af everytime
Stimulus to the fetishes
How lonely are we that we need to touch ourselves ?
Nothing can be as weird and intense than this
But its too normal to eradicate
Basic **** basic *******
And that juice that lady in the **** loves so eagerly
I mean seriously ?
Why would someone want to be choked ?
Start a fight instead, it would be more fun

After several insertion in and out
Repeation after repeation
Why wouldn't you insert differently everytime
Gotta have a motion
Gotta have some ******
****** for that lava to come out of volcano
Slimy ****
Disgusting and demeaning progeny producing shampoo liquid
Has **** made us confident in bed ?
Well with my small sac set as compared to longed longetivitus penises, Iam insecure af
Why would you give us a guide to such sacred art
We should have done weird **** without telling anybody

Its all women's fault .These oppressed minorites
Always complaining and *******

Dear diary help me Iam sleepy
But before that i must bust a nut to Halle Berry

I wonder who discovered jizzing ?

Metaphors are vague
All the ideas are for love and hate
Oppressed ungrateful thoughts
Even though they have it better than the most

Repetition of the same idea over and over again
We get it, move over your boyfriend or girlfriend
You are going to eventually
Its just young love either ways
Too dumb for real suffering

There was time when poetry was nature and subtle observations
And geniuses were who wrote them
Now its a 17 year old female
And people like me

It makes me cringe af

I'am self-aware and deluded at the same time

Look at you
Looking at this
You beautiful thing with half asleep eyes

Harmones are famished
Songs that ignites them
Songs that unites them

Love seems far off
Life seems disheartening
Still there is hope

Worthless now
Worthwhile tomorrow

That is a feminist point of view

There is a Monopoly for love in these times
.
..
...
In the name of love will you suffer or will you smile ?

Place for a cry
Pretentious love
Young love articulating itself
Mostly teens having disorders and inadequacy
Heartbroken subordinates
Finding their peace in mythic love narratives
And thats not for me to judge
But as one sassed mouth boy said
"If you listen to katy perry's lyrics for wisdom , then **** yourself "
Has it became an escape for you ?
Maybe just a brief time for deep contemplation
Having hope in sprinkles
Whatever helps i guess.....
Another kind of a drug i guess.....

Dont do it

                     Don't don't don't do it

I swear on my niece i'll never do it

                    (Sometime after abstinence)

                                    You can afford to do it now

You deserve happiness

        No wonder you are so weak

             Your mind is a hypocrite self indulgent

                  Piece of crap !!

     Yes crap

                             So much for self control

        So much for the standards of society

             So much for excellence and focus

           Not so much for the fog in your mind

                       After you bust a nut

                                           ******* through life

Objectifying seems fun

        Backseat
                     And jugs everywhere i see

  I have a filthy mind can u see....

I feel you can see through me

                 That i feel guilty
         But still i do
                    Addiction serves its purpose

   Its addiction for a reasons
    
           Will make you a different person before it leaves

        But still it doesn't leave

           But relapse is a part of recovery

   Deep guilt within me still
              
                 Still I will do it

                            Bust it and feel the rush in my bones

                                Bust it and feel that I'am numb

                                                               ­        this is not gross

its something organic huh !!

               its disgusting actually

                                 I'am so filthy and I know it (sass)

"dont criticize what you can't understand"

You have been loathing yourself all your life
Get over it
You are cynical and you have lost your charm and thoughts
Look on people's faces
Doubting you
You Contemplating everything thats broken
Putting back pieces in your fantasy
Truth seems far off now that my mind is numb
Your honesty to yourself is in question
See through yourself
Figure out the depth even if you know there is despair
Live that suffering
Come out from your world of compulsions
Come out of your misery
Burn in your fire
And come out burnt

Unbalanced vehicle

Jumping off altitude

Railings to lay

Pills for breakfast

Magic knot rob

Swallowing a hit

Wrist friction

Neck nectar

Disembodied ever than before

I do
I do hate their superficial gazes
Their ******* grin
Their fundamental emotion for feeling superior
Their lust for things
I hate them altogether
I see them in and out
Their hopelessness in their optimism
Their shallow minds in the excitement
Moreover these happy satisfied people don't give a ****
I wish i could go away
Have actual freedom for the spirit
I don't understand social construct
I despise people from the core
I hate me friends especially
They give me a general guide to dislike people

I genuinely do
With all my concious intact
Repeating things saddens me
New things make me unsettle
People I see in my daily life, more i converse i feel like going away from them
They can't handle the real me either ways
But if i dont socialize
I'am lonely and I feel that too
Although I enjoy that for sometime
I have to take responsibilty
And that is the consequence of the action i did
I understand logic
And I want to deny that with all my heart
Every narrative is been false to me
When i experience it myself
I cant articulate my emotions and I don't know what's so wrong about life
Depressed kid with nobody to have given attention me
Wouldn't deserve that though
Any kind of belonging when i have denied that to myself
How much i hate myself and want to change
But I can't

I cant bear the numbness
The silence and the nothingness
Watching netflix feeling cold

Have an extra skin
An extra layer
Flex it and it will bulge out
Every thick cut makes you feel incompetent and unworthy
Conditioning by commercials made us ******* addicted
Addicted to something we dont even want
But we need to feel better about ourselves
Realizing later all the positive philosophy and greatness of lives on our own
Feel gratitude towards the society
Forgetting everything and forgiving
Still having inferiorities shaping our whole lives
Focusing on the negatives is bad they say
But how much good they give us too
What if they are more of a blessing towards change
How naturally being someone has many levels of consideration among society
How everyones got their roles and names

I have fragments of thoughts, put together and you get a lump of fat flesh seeming like circular eccentric waves of water when a drop falls.

Want a hug in this chubby body.

I Sigh for a poem

Iam goe my itial are goe
Iam slowly fadng away
My houghs are cramping
t feels lke numb
omething i wrong
Just cant put te words in place

Can you save me ? Can you place things in order for me ? Can you help ?Call me by name.

**** **** ****
UUH AAAH
OHH BABY DON'T STOP !
I want to fake more to make you feel good about yourself
Truth doesn't matter baby people should be compassionate about each other feelings, I'am not gonna hurt you and say you cant satisfy me
BABY I'AM CUMING !
Actually I'am not
BABY HIT ME HARD
So that I can make your violent instincts come to life, the frustrated feeling that you have been holding , and the thousands of ***** that   had conditioned you to think that i enjoy this so i will eventually would

MEANWHILE MEN HAD A SURGE OF HIGH SELF-ESTEEM
HAD OXYTOCIN PRODUCED IN HIS BODY AND DOPAMINE
LIFE IS DOPE
LETS EXPLOIT MORE THEN

Trying to be inch perfect
Hoping to derive something as exactly as you think
By everything that you observe
World makes you believe that is right
Gravity works, things dissolve....
But things doesnt always fall in place
Sometimes its chaotic
And you blame yourself to be the one thats the fault
You couldn't conquer your mind like everybody else
How do I get rid of this nihilism that surrounds me ?
I dont have questions for this world anymore
My curiosity is dead
I just have this urge to feel adequate
This perpetual need to feel the warmness
Eventually iam gonna get tired of my thoughts
And pass the **** out for another day of life
Bless you all and everyone around me to lead a life itself in its every form...

i dont really like myself
now this projection i can see in other people's faces
how do i explain being in a blanket
with my breadth and my condensed screen
how do i explain my sticky last toes
my wierd moods
my lofty heels
my passionate burst
my drowning in self loath
my initial likeability
and my post repulse
i always like to carry my bag
my two strapped bag
even when there is no need
but there is always more to my shoulders than that
walking in patterns people say
talking in patterns
Am i too transparent to see ?
then why cant you help me ?...

How am I supposed to heal if I can't feel time.

Here Comes the Dim Light,
Nice and Dim,
Makes the shadows more than them,
Brightens the room more than bright,
Eyes get sleepy after some time,
Come one, Let's  switch off this Dim Light !!