When you are genuinely a cynical person, there is a tendency that you have an essence of existentialism which is a euphemism for nihilism and I have become nihilistic.
I have a voice that contradicts me, it troubles my self-esteem, it seems very rational, to be honest, most of the things that the voice says is true, rationality can be disastrous especially in this mythic world, one must not dare, or just be partially rational.
I feel so lonely at the bottom of my heart, it affects me really. I genuinely try not to be miserable, still things don't go that well. I have a rational reason for that because my thoughts are so intermingled I have somehow developed a different psyche, it's like splitting in two, coercing myself to be on the right track and perish afterwards if I fail.
I have nights with my mind that I wish on nobody, I also wanted to die but I realise my life is not mine to take. Rationally, me being a *** is better than being dead, I have a conscience that would not let me do that to others. After all, someone has brought up this crap for years, investing their precious money on probably everything I have. My death would scar them for life, either way, they are scared enough.
My main point of giving this context is how does one not want to die in this miserable, utter ******* life ?
Am I too fragile for this place?
What is this sudden rage that comes to me thinking about my condition, my place in this world?
World, I don't have my drug to pass this life, I don't think I would want any and that's the problem.
I can't wrap my head around the difference between living a better life and the least hell of a life.