Once someone said to me is there something cool I could build for you

I said my heart and glue it back together like a toy

Because my heart  sure was one to you

I wrote my life in vain as it has
always been that way
I just was looking for less pain so I did things to go numb
I know I was dumb as I knew what was going to come
I sat on the edge of my bed inhaling to relieve my pain
I really thought this time things were not going to end up the same

Switching schools is like moving to a new town
You don’t see those people unless one of you reaches out
And they never do so you are left alone in that what it feels like a “new town”
You have no support and those people who said they would be there
But to no surprise they are not anywhere to be found
They are just a text message away and a thirty minute drive
But is it that much of a burden for you to say “Hi” or “How are you”
I guess it is to you
Our school colors were paper white and royal purple now the thought of it makes me the saddest blue
School break can turn into heartbreak especially when you don’t come back and nobody notices that you didn’t
I might not be there the first or last day of school not BY choice but for MY well being
You won’t ever text back or call to show effort acknowledging my existence now that’s YOUR choice and to that choice I will never understand
I just hope you know that choice YOU made let me spiral into a deep black endless hole
A hole that was always there like an annoying loose thread on your sweater
But I never thought I’d get caught in that deep dark endless hole
Who knew all you had to do was say “Hi” or “Hey” instead of giving me feelings that make me think you are pushing me away
Because you sure didn’t

I remember when you used to care
When you used to talk to me
When you would acknowledge my existence
When you used to text me back
When we talked every day
When it would be not long after we saw each other again
When it mattered when I was hurt
When you would defend me
When you didn’t blow my feelings off to the side like blowing out candles on cake without a train of thought
Do you remember that I bet you do but all I have left of those faint memories is photos,items and iMessages reminding me that it could’ve been true

At 11:46 PM I told you I loved you too
It was Thursday on June 28th of 2018
You declared you didn’t want to say it over text yet we did
I promised you as soon as I could see you I would tell you in person
That day couldn’t come soon enough

You pulled me in closer this time it was different
You used the structure of my face as a intimate guide for your fingertips
I knew then we were meant to be
I then looked into your eyes noticing how dilated your pupils were
I looked into them so long that I started to see my own faint reflection looking back at me
The view of you is such a beautiful thing to see
You began to run your hand through my hair almost so that it became comforting
I smiled
Then you kissed my lips like never before
My heart felt full
I watched you sit up so I then did too, except you turned around getting onto your knees
Our eyes interlocked then our hands as you pushed me onto my back
I stayed lying there
You leaned in to kiss me I beat you to it and kissed you harder grabbing onto your hips
We are in love

All I adore and so much more
Mí amor eres mi todo, my spanish is a little rough but my love for you is not
The way she holds my hand it feels so euphoric
I hope you know my love that I adore you
I adore you with my whole being and that will never change
My heart beats only for you I do not mean to sound cliché but it’s absolutely true
You are always on my mind no matter what
The view of you never fails to take my breath away
I know we have not known each other for very long but I hope to know you forever
You are the light in my life not only because your smile lights up a room but also you give me the light for my candle
Without you I would be left in the dark and I pray to God that nothing will ever end up breaking us apart

Strawberry blonde hair that lays so effortlessly yet so perfectly on you
Crystal blue eyes accompanied with so much warmth
Your voice is like the ocean it pulls me in so softly when you let me wash back to shore it’s not long before the thrill of being pulled in was back
Your smile is so contagious when you smile it’s not long after that that I’m smiling too
Your laugh is my favorite part it’s like a quote you know is coming up in the office you can’t help but to follow along leaving your stomach hurting and your face sore from joy
You are perfection
With your welcoming hugs
With the warmth you bring in what can be such a timeless day without any color
When you reached out for my hand to hold our fingers interlocked
It felt so right leading our eyes too meet that was the last puzzle piece leaving a perfect picture you have been ever so eager to finish

I feel there’s only a God so you won’t end up in hell
But I feel like hell comes before heaven
Hell is the current
You are you’re own God they only tell you otherwise so you believe in something
Because God knows you don’t believe in yourself
It’s like instead of looking up or down for answers look around
Not in a book or a bible but look within
Without closed eyes
Without praying hands
Without it ending in amen
But answers are found within

They say how you should learn how to love yourself in order to be able to love others
But I was never one to listen to what “they say”
You most definitely can love others before you learn to hold the same feeling for yourself
Self love doesn’t have to deviate from the path of wanting to love someone other then yourself

I remember wanting to eat and eating and letting it
digest and not have tears rolling down my eyes as I watch my breakfast swirl down the toilet while I hold onto my toothbrush with my life they say bad habits are hard to break well now I feel I'm falling back down that hole of feeling worthless feeling as if I don't deserve to eat like I'm not worth that spoonful of cereal or that bite of the apple you gave me to eat and watched me chew and swallow every bit until it was the core and stem left in the palm of my hands and inside I wanted to run and cry because I didn't think I deserved that apple but this time you were watching me you were watching me so I couldn't go and throw it up somewhere far enough away where you couldn't hear me so you couldn't stop me I remember the times a toothbrush was just to brush my teeth

5 letters 1 word 2 syllables Alone that’s all I’ll ever be
Broken promises still wash over me
I try to grasp onto them but they always manage to get away through the seams
So I’ll just let it be because at the end of the day it’s always just gonna be me because I never knew any other way to be....

Your name will still go on as a legacy
You turned everyone’s dreams into a reality
You put out the stepping stones leading to success
You were the Walt to my Disney but only so much more
Every door that was closed by doubt was opened with your infinite outpouring of hope and love

Your words are as temporary to me as temporary tattoos
You pick and chose what you wanna lose
That’s why I have to turn you loose
My grandma turns to me to tell me there’s always more fish in the sea
I guess I will always be at loss and not learn
Well I went fishing in the sea and something grabbed my worm
I reeled it in to see and realized the only bait around was me
Never wait around for the ones’ who let you down
It’ll leave you with a frown bringing you down down to the deep bottom of the sea
Now I’m the predator not the prey
Be careful now cause as you see you are the preyed on by the predators not me

You are my 11:11
You go through my mind 24/7
When I think about there being an us
I can’t believe it could be true so on 11:11 I wish for you
You race through my mind as if you are the runner trying to get to the finish line
But every time I open my eyes I only know i just fantasize about there be an us
But I feel like a little piece of string holding on by a thread and then you get a scissor cutting me off to leave me cold and dead
Why did I even picture you in my head
Just to reminisce that you wouldn’t of dreamt me dead

I couldn't swim but I took a chance on you
I dipped my toes in the water until I was emerged but it wasn't with water it was with love
Your love
The only love that I will ever hold so closely and dearly to my heart
I didn't know your worth until I casted it off into the ocean hoping it would drift back like a bottle with a message inside
I waited not very long not as long as I once thought I would
Once again you emerged I desperately grabbed onto the thought of you with no regret in sight...as if I was drowning and you were the air my lungs had been searching for
I no longer needed to hold my breath being afraid that that was the last air my lungs would ever get
I breathe easier now with the thought of you lingering along
You somehow snuck in replenishing my heart with love
I forgot how love felt
I forgot how to feel about it
You showed me I closed my eyes holding on to you with every last piece of sanity I had left
I was broken glass
You put me back together piece by piece frivolously with no regard of yourself
For that you will always be my current, my future, my everything
And our forever.

I remember when you used to care
When you used to talk to me
When you would acknowledge my existence
When you used to text me back
When we talked every day
When it would be not long after we saw each other again
When it mattered when I was hurt
When you would defend me
When you didn’t blow my feelings off to the side like blowing out candles on cake without a train of thought
Do you remember that?
I bet you do, but all I have left of those faint memories is photos,items and iMessages reminding me that it could’ve been true

Your twenty dollar smell still lingers
I know this only because I know the smell is trapped on your fingers
You gave it away with how you scrub your nails under the running faucet
Now you have really lost it everything you once held now goes down that same drain and is washed away by the same faucet
I hate the mobile four wheels that brought it
You said you could stop at anytime cold turkey
But if I don’t have a thumb able and ready to light it and spark that switch to ignite it I’m no longer worthy
I’m not ever gonna be as good enough as that 65 cent under the table bought bic lighter
I won’t be there anymore for you on a windy day cupping and blocking the wind from blowing out your twenty dollar get away
I don’t want to watch you burn your brain cells away praying to god you won’t be caught and put away
For a crime only worth what’s now left leaving your eyes a glassy red over your cold turkey reliant
If only I could be that twenty dollars with just enough change for your 65 cent gas station lighter