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Mar 5 · 67
My Temporary High
Mihle Mdashe Mar 5
It only lasts for a limited period of time, coincidence this just describes my happiness or the beings in this life. It's crazy how nothing never lasts, I've forgotten the sound of my laughter. I fall for a temporary high, my temporary escape; what I think I need to get by . I want anything but temporary, I crave for something that will be permanent. My soul acquiesce to anything temporal, but I now renounce all that. I just despise how confidence seems to vanish right at the time you need it the most, I mean there will be days where my dear friend confidence will be there but what's the use of her when she'll just disappear the moment a remark would be made about me. Whenever that angry voice in these four walls in my mind would tell me "you're ****" "you're too skinny or too fat". I tried to recover, I tried my best to get better but somewhere along the way I realised it was all temporary. I fell apart again, I lost again and they'd laugh at me! Crying myself to sleep seems like the best option but I go with the unhealthy coping mechanism; slitting my wrists. The pain seems acceptable for awhile but what happens when you got so used to the blade that you can't even cope without it. I thought it was temporal, I thought I'd manage without it but I'd tell myself "one cut upon that wrist means a step closer to goodbye".
This is my story with self harm and how self harm became a crutch to me.
Mar 5 · 103
Depression Dynasty
Mihle Mdashe Mar 5
We have skin as muddy as waters. Vaginas smelling of blood, unwanted babies and 400 years of forced entries. That's all we have in common. What I have is sickness in the mind. Many people say depression is the emperor of many mentalities; some say it turns your mind into this forbidden city, giving you 8000 sorts of depressing feelings like no will ever love you, just go they won’t even notice you’re gone. They call it depression dynasty. They give depression so much prestige and many of them romantizes depression. But do they really know what it is? It's all watered down into something antidepressant can tone down but pills can't help all the attacks that come from different angles. Laughter turns into tears cause you can't help but hear that little voice "You're not happy", so I'd rather sit in my bedroom and write. Oh wait I've lost that skill now, thanks to my anxiety that is. That's depressions' cousin, depression felt the need to invite him over. Funny how life goes. I thought I'd abort this poetry thing,when all the pain tones down creativity seems to find a new abode. Failed poet I call myself, I can't use high metaphors, fail to express all these emotions so what's the use. I seem to fail at everything I do. I'm trying not to waste my time, but this is what I want to do. The demons come as a sequence of powerful leaders and I just can't sit here and let them dictate to me.
A poem of what it's been like having to live with depression.
Feb 9 · 158
suicide letter no.4
Mihle Mdashe Feb 9
I've written 4 suicide letters, each one better than the last. I'd thought I'd mastered the art of saying goodbye through a piece of page. Nothing can compare to the last one I wrote, so poetic; I knew I couldn't use my previous ones cause if I did no one would see there was at least something that came out of my depression. In and out of psychologists rooms - I swear this is exhausting, but ma wants me to get better. I laugh at her cause better is only like my father's presence; it ain't there. Suicide letter number 4 had me believing for sure I wouldn't make it out alive, there was just something about the way I had stalked all those words in the dictionary, I put some light in there hoping I'd see the same light when I'd finally come to rest. But I couldn't, if I could I would; overdosing, drowning, popping a vein, all that and I couldn't do it. There's something in the way nurses look at me that make me despise hospitals, I hate the sympathy on their faces and mostly I hate them for having that motherly affection. Ain't nothing worse than doctors telling you to rest when the only rest you need would've been death. You see what I feel is a type of tired that sleep can't fix, or maybe sleep 6ft under would fix it, I don't know honestly.
Jan 21 · 138
To My Next
Mihle Mdashe Jan 21
Hi, I'm Mihle. My favourite colour is blue and I love my peace and quiet. I'm not a picky eater but I like eggs, raisins and Mac & cheese. I suffer from insomnia but I'm working on that. I've got a big head and a really big heart. I'm an introvert; I like being alone, but when you're here I'm pretty sure I'll gladly share my space and thoughts.  I love being indoors, but I'd love to go out with you. I hate crowds but I'd go to a crowded place with you. Yes I like my peace and quiet, but I don't mind the noise if it's with you.  I'm more vulnerable than I'd like to admit. I spend most of my days in my head, making up scenarios about anything. I replay the past every so often, probably the cause of my anxiety. I hate feeling like disturbance to others ,but I like being thought of. I've had no luck with love, I always ended up hurt. So I'm just praying you're not like the rest of them, I pray that you'll be able to stay with me at my worst and at my best. I struggle with my self-esteem; some days I'm confident as **** but on other days I can't look at my self in the mirror. I've come across happiness but it never lasts. Sometimes I can't get out of bed but on other days I'm all about having fun. I'm complicated for no reason but maybe you'll take the decision to love me for me. I just want to feel close to you, you're who I dream of. I just want to co-exist with you, love you in different ways. I want you to know my love in different languages . I want to make romantic scenarios about us. Show me who you are, show me your demons cause believe it or not I'll fight them with you and vice versa. I'll reveal all my scars to you and still feel close to you. If we ever decide to be one, I need you to decide on me and not take a chance, but decide you'll love me for all I am because quite frankly I'm tired of always being an option. I'm tired of being left behind when the next best thing comes along! Let's decide to love one another. Let's stick around to learn one another, know every detail about our personas' cause you'll be the most beautiful human I've ever laid eyes on. As I said, I'm complicated for no reason but if you're willing to figure me out; go ahead. In the end you'll see I'm just like everyone else, trying to figure things out. Know that if you were next to me right now, I'd wrap my arms around your waist and attempt to melt into your figure. If you were here right now, I'd introduce you to the world I've been living in and invite you to be a part of it. I don't know where you are or when I will meet you, but I'm just hoping; when you see me,you'll feel me too.
Jan 13 · 634
Indecisive infatuation
Mihle Mdashe Jan 13
I’m testing my mental because I know once I’m caught up with someone or something I’ll lose it. It took time for me to be here, to speak out about my ****** up life. Took a lot of withdrawals and telling myself I’ll talk about it only for me to cower away. Oh but I love infatuation, it keeps me going. Like how I was infatuated by the way writing remedied wounds I couldn’t possibly fathom. Those pages were what I spilled my secrets to, I smeared my blood on every page to remind myself that everything beautiful has a consequence. But the pain had toned down and creativity found a new abode. Just like the word indecisive implies I still can’t make a decision on what to write about. I’d like to call it indecisive insanity cause I still can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I had journals filled to the brim with criticism but by 16 I had confined in those four walls in my mind that said I’m not worthy enough . Writing became a short lived passion, I can feel the words ricochet off the walls in my mind. I start perspiring all of my rhymes. Sometimes you just hope and dream that they’ll see the light you’ve secretly placed into those poems  the endless stalking of dictionaries and finding out new strands of knowledge distracts me from myself. It dresses my bare mind I just hope that no man will come and undresses my mentality.
Dec 2018 · 452
For my starboy
Mihle Mdashe Dec 2018
The stars are aligned,
That's why I'm your stargirl,
And you're my starboy.
Your eyes hold galaxies in them,
That's why I'm forever captivated by you.
I'm transfixed by your effortless allure.
You've stripped me bare
And still looked at me in awe.
I've seen numerous galaxies,
By just staring into your eyes.
My starboy,
Loves the most,
And jokes the most.
Put a smile up on my face,
Frowning seems so foreign.
Romeo's lips.
Those lips awaken the devil in me.
Those lips have kissed all my valleys.
Together we steal stars and planets,
Together we build our own universe.
You are the coonstellion that guides me.

— The End —