it was never the big boy parts i wanted.
it was their soft details.
i wanted my arms to be more fuzzy, with wisps gleaming golden and straw in sun.
i wanted my shoulders to be broad, unbroken, and busy. i wanted to carry weight and spin girls dizzy.
i wanted a back, straight, always pointing north. i wanted angles and shores, i wanted fuzz and more.
i toothbrushed my face every night, suds glistening, mind listening, waiting for days where i had something to clean,
when it would feel just right.
i told myself i wouldn't let it be me, i pressed into seams and skirt's flow and i acted like i didn't know how it hurt.
i wanted dropped sounds and fewer mounds, i wanted free of feminine ecstasy. i wanted golf rounds and the sounds of a daughter looking at me
and saying daddy.
i pushed my fears into my pants, i held onto cramps and crowns, focusing so that i could be less man and less frowns. i packed and bound and wondered if i was right.
if i really was Eli at night.
so i'm sailing these seas of hormones and bliss, i'm sealing my soul with every kiss, and i'm looking at our horizons.
and i'm wondering if there is a me out there.
You want to run
Just hear my voice
Shouting out loud
Hearing me out
You're doing great
Until you fall

© Sofia Villagrana 2018
I write on my skin,
With an instrument that is sharp.
I indent on this canvas
that is so paper thin,
I am at the cliff’s scarp.

I draw a line across my wrist,
but this must not persist.
I line my face with a beautiful smile,
Maybe I can keep this appearance up for a little while.
My effort is consumed by a concept called life,
For happiness
and not loneliness I will strife.

One day I hope I will no longer draw these lines,
One day I hope everything will be fine.
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