I am selfish

Loneliness clenches her arms around my chest.
As my breath beats my friends away i will claim to do my best.

I am selfish

My expectations are in space where every path is up.
My rocket in orbit, is my obsessive love.
Launching my heart with fire as i request a dreadful trade.
A crusade,
To recieve your heart fully just the same.
It's insane.

To even ask these things.

I graciously give my heart away.
For no gain.

I am selfish

I know my worst sin.
The monsters clawing at my skin.
With razors for fingers.
With guns at my chin.
I weakly whimper in pain.
As my torture begins.
Every day selfishly,
I want to give in.

My chest becomes fire.
My eyes become ice.
My head is now smoke so i can't breathe quite right.

But i am selfish.

I am ******.

I won't accept every helping hand.
I always give what I demand.
And when it gets hard.
I make darker plans.

I am selfish
My worst sin of all.
No matter my struggle,
Is I can't help it.

Become a voice.
Without form, without name.
Quieter than silence.
Hot like flame.
Invade insecurities.
Solidify shame.
Take hold of their heart.
And you control their brain.

First, isolation.
We have to **** them alone.
With the rejection of friends.
Seclude them to home.
Tell them their flaws.
Let lonliness remind them.
Tears become waves
Water to drown in.

Build them a raft.
Keep them afloat.
Give them ambition.
Hopes for a boat.
Foster their focus, that dream alone.
No need for friends, family or home.

Their raft distorts waves.
Pushing other ships astray.
Now the final steps, to take life away.

No work is necessary.
The oceans rise and fall.
A wave and its crest.
Will destroy it all.

No ship invincible.
Now they float alone.
No kind of boat can carry them home.
To friends they abandoned.
To family left behind.
The many years at sea,
Turn their hearts unkind.

Now lay back.
Your voice becomes theirs.
No one can save them.
And now no one cares.

No knife
No bludgeon
No rifle
Nor axe.
As the killer, you can finally relax.

Watch as they struggle,
Panic,
And plead.
Crying for help.
Injesting the sea.
Hearing your voice.
Losing their air.
"No one will help"
"No one will care"

As they now drown
Send them a boat.
Give them the choice of staying afloat.
If they accept it, don't worry its fine.
Their death will come, in some short time.

It takes one small wave.
So simple and quick.
Your voice in their head:
"Jump ship! Jump ship!"
That's all it takes,
To keep them aware.

"No one will help"
"No one will care"

Let the waves pass.
And perhaps the next tide.
It will have been your voice.
That lead them to die.

To **** any man.
You first **** their mind.
And they'll lose themselves.
Under the tide.

Dying gives me life, but living will be the death of me.

I was in the desert
My lips were potato chips,
My skin was a raisin.

The same land a savior was raised in.

The same wilderness trial.
Not 40 days but 20 years.
Behind me, temptation.
No water.
But gold enough to buy it.
Women enough to lie with.
Kingdoms,
My own islands.

Why then.

Did i choose you.
Looking like an oasis.
I'd say shes all i need.
One pond alone.
I just need one sip.

As the heat gets hotter.
I reach you
I cup hands.
I wanted water.
You gave me sand.

I'm a broken car.
It's too expensive to fix me.
Buy another.

I take showers in the dark,
My senses overwhelmed,
I'm compulsively compelled to lose a friend.

Screaming flesh cries out,
My buried eyes blind now.
As wet rough trains crash into my skin.

Again.
Again.

Insanity is my definiton.
As vanity is my protection.
My heart like a prisoner tries to escape her cage.
Yet still i find my her hung.
Dead again.
Without much time.
To age.

The cuts and scars and burns of pains i've no courage left to think.
So i wash my body like my hands as the dirt drains down the sink.

Again.
Again.

The dark is all I see.
I'll let no light wash over me.
Drip drip.
My heart is warmed.
Lost all hope, yet im not alarmed.
Drip drip.
My skin screams out.
The rain and darkness drown it out.

Black fog forces a deeper breath.
Releases the chains that compress my chest.

My new heart is born, warmed and free.
And now again i do my part.
Until the time i return.
For cleansing in the dark.

-popleocan

I lay longingly in the mud,
Wishing you would kick me.
Stab my chest, slit my wrists
Then patch me up so simply.

Set a fire to my scalp.
Tie a noose and choke me out.
So maybe with all that hate.
I could learn to love myself.

Bleach and burn my ugly skin.
Drown me but let me breathe again.
So I can feel all the pain.
Each and every little thing.

All I ever want to be.
Is as important as an enemy.

Hated, berated, beaten, destroyed.
Love is something rarely enjoyed.
But better it is to be someone despised.
Than someone seen by no one's eyes.

If you won't love me, if you won't care.
I'll not fall into despair.
I'll foster hate from you to me.
I'll become your enemy.

I've always been a better fit,
As someone left inside a pit.
No rising hills of happiness,
With sparks of hope alight with bliss.

For inclines end at edging cliffs.
Beckoning my fall.
Sparks are starts to raging fires.
No skin unburnt at all.

I've always been a better fit,
As someone tossed inside a pit.
Hands on a shovel as i dig.
But never can I fall.

I may have won the battle.
That is all i can say.
If i don't feel okay.
And things don't go my way.
Take pride in leaving bed today.
---------
I may have won the battle.
But laundry is left undone.
I did't try to run.
I woke up after the highest point
Of the sun.
I..
-------
I may have won the battle.
Just the smallest kind.
Where I battle with my heart,
My soul, my mind.

The battle no one sees.
Thats why they say I whine.
My battles are so small.
My enemy undying.

I may have won the battle
But i haven't won the war.
If i never do.
What was I fighting for?

It's
Soon,
Christmas.
Time of cheer.
Time for family.
Time for joy and love.
Kisses under the mistletoe.
Families play in the pure white snow.
Huddled up and cuddled up. But me?
Im alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.

I must work to recover.
I must recover to work.
I need both chicken and egg,
Yet neither come first.

I'm sick of being tired.
I'm tired of being sick.
I'm stuck at rock bottom.
And can't climb out of it

Who is right?
Me or my mind?
The voice that says live,
Or the one that says why?

Who is right?
Me? My mind?
Am I the reason i'm alone?
Or are others unkind?

Who is right?
My mind I must say.
My thoughts make up who i am today.
But also those thoughts,
They lead me astray.
Fostering failures and breeding decay.

Who is right?
Me or my mind?
What is difference?
Where is the line.

Who is right?
There's no way to know.
I should ask others.
But I'm all alone.

Who is right?
Me or my mind?
Regardless, the saddest,
Wins every time.

I don't want to die
I'd rather be a knight
Or a hero with a cape, and the power of flight.

I don't want to die
I'd rather have friends.
Arguments for which we could make amends.

I don't want to die
I'd rather be normal.
Wake up one morning without feeling horrible.

I don't want to die
I'd rather be free.
But only death obliged, she'll give that to me