a month of crying felt endless
2 weeks of finally
being able to look at photos of memories
gathered
no longer bother and faze her
she finally felt safe
she finally could smile
she finally no longer thought of him
how is it that
on this day it hits her like a thousand pound weight
crushed on to her chest?
she can't seem to catch her breath
her cries are Lauder then ever
  10 times more painful than before?
how can this be
to the point she pulls out her device
that can end all of it
she'll never feel anything
ever again
and at this moment
that's all she wants
relief from the torture
that her hope, love and heart has put her through
she opens he laptop
writes frantically
knowing it may relieve her
constant addiction of ending everything.
the writing only gives her relief temporarily
it's in her peripheral
it sits right beside her
the thought of her thoughts
and emotions
finally at peace
sounds so **** beautiful

So Strong
Behind closed doors
So fragile
Her heart made of crystal
coeur déchiré every night

She uncontrollably cries
Unable to repair her broken mind
And spirit

Heart in disrepair
She cries out loud

Wanting to be spared
Between breaths of air
She gasps
Secretly, wishing the next will be her last

She’s followed by many
She’s a lover of one

Lover of one
That knows not of this despair

Begs of an endless darkness
A peaceful darkness
To which never again
Be penetrate

Impossible to get to her
No longer here
Safe from love, tears,  fear
Disappointment and anguish

Were love exists no more
Touches too far
Restlessness no longer exists
And tears will no longer shed

Strong and fragile she stands

She writes this in hopes that it’ll help her.
She’s tired
Tired of crying almost every single day and night
At the thoughts of him
The thought of his smile
The thought of his rambunctious energy
The thought of his quiet side
The way she was held so tight and close
all night long
That she actually thought she was finally safe
Even with sweat pouring
over the 2 over body heat
for some reason he never letting go
The thought of oh god what’s going to come out of his mouth today such as
“Time to @@@@ todays @@@@“
After realizing it was just infatuation for him
but the complete opposite of her
She cried ever more.
She couldn’t stop the tiers from running down my face
no matter how incredibly hard she tried.
What’s worse is she never hurd/known anyone with a similar name personally till he
Now daily
everywhere she goes and turn someone introduces themselves with his name
passing through their lips
She thinks It finally got easier as of today
She didn’t want to run
Cower away to the closest privet place and burst into tiers at the sound of his name
It only took her a few weeks
She haven’t cried that hard since her daughter was kidnapped so long ago
The feeling of endless downing
Like her heart was ripped out of her chest
Left bleeding without a care in the world
She’s thankful for the final lesson
The experimental joke since meeting on April fools
Yes that’s the day they met
The day the longest joke was played on her
What is the joke you may ask?
That you were just an infatuation
And love is only an illusion
She’s now putting those walls back up
With the determination like never before
that she will no longer allow anyone to pass through it again.
She will distract herself
Maybe travel the world
And keep love at bay
Take what she wants
When she wants
Without remorse, regret
And never apologize for it.
Tonight she grabs the bucket and mop
Picks up the pieces of her heart
Leaves disheveled as a constant reminder
Mops clean THE LAST OF HER BLEEDING HEART
And thank him for her last and final lesson

A lovers morning start with a good morning mon amour
from a distance
The only absence missing are her lovers
morning kiss
days so far
between tears and missing him
Thoughts of gazing upon his eyes
Are all is needed
Warmth of his touch
Fills her heart with loneliness
Do you miss me as I do you?
She questions her lover
Your daily words of comfort is all I have to grasp each day so desperately
The word I love you fall from her lips
But no ear to voice it to
Endless nights such as this
constantly pass them by
With out him to hold
without a place to rest her head onto
Without his chest putting her to sleep
as the beating of his heart sings her a lullaby
Holding her pillow tight as if he can hear her whispers “ je t’adore chéri. Je t’adore"
A tear runs down her cheek
As she longs for slumber
and the longing of him near at bay.
Long nights repeating
A lovers goodnight  from a distance
Wide awake she lays awaiting on “good morning beautiful “ Once more
She’s left to fight repetitive thoughts of
Rose peddle she mentally pulls one by one.
Does he love me…does he not….
Does he?

At first sight
Breathless I sat as you walked across the court yard towards where I sat
Awaiting upon your arrival
I was in my confidence to your dismissal
In shock, breathless
Time slows
For all surrounding crowds
Seeming to disappear
As time went on
My heart never seemed
So alive until I looked into your eyes
Attentiveness captivating me
Smile so sweet and forgiving
My nervousness that which I could not keep hidden
Sitting across from each other
Even
Walking side-by-side
You were still pulling me in without a touch
Breathless still
When we parted
No kiss goodbye
But a comforting warm long hug to part
Months has passed
Still with a glips of your eyes
Accompanied with long kisses of hello and goodbye‘s
Happily I stay breathless

Sitting in my boudoir
I sit in silence
And still
I can feel your touch
I can still feel your fingertips gently moving pressed against my Silhouette
As if they have mind of their own
Still I see your eyes
Looking down upon me
With such tranquility
I’ve never experienced before
Till now I never realized we were sitting in silence
Nothing said from our lips
But through the comfort of each others solace
So much was said
Not noticing
the music we played came to an end
We sat in silence
Still without you near
I can feel your chest rise and fall
Still I hear you breath
Alone now
Lying in stillness
And silence
deep in thought
Still
I count every day
Still
I account every hour
Still
I count every minute of every second
Till next
The moment we may share
More time
More stillness
To be wrapped in each other
Silent and still

He held her
While sitting on the couch
She went to hold him
If only for a moment as she pulled away
Trying not to be overbearing
By her own definition
For she’s always self-conscious in that aspect
As she prepared to sit upright
And give him some space he pulled her back to him
cradling her
She was left speechless
Confused to his exchange
As he looked into her eyes
Making her sink even deeper into his arms
Gently kissing her leaving her breathless
She laid ear to chest
And all the wile
Her heart skips with he breathe
leaving her unmasked
to his surrender
Sigh
****** he help me

Solemnly sitting there in silence wonder why she’s hurting
Never crossing his mind of the paths she has been forced to take as a young one
In this unjust world
He has heard the stories
But never being through the trauma he can’t recall nor recite her tales
Leaving her lips to his ears
Defiled by people who were sworn to protect her
She has been beaten in relationships
With meaningless words
Countless actions
She has been cheated, lied,
Betrayed by her betroth, partner…her person
Still knowing all he knew of her story past
With all that knowledge
She has entrusted him with.
He carelessly let tears stream down her cheek
That he once made smile.
Alone in pitch darkness
As quietly as she possibly could keep the sound
Of her heart breaking.
She wonders and excepts.
Was it for good measure? Does her pain feel good enough for him yet?
Sadly, it must.
He once gazed into her eyes passionately.
Filled with hope and promise.
Some time ago, in her eyes
He was love, kindness.
Her impossible dream come true.
Finally able to breathe
He was her trust in its entirety
His kisses where falsely forever more
Where once he made her finally
See beauty in her own self
Only to turn
Seeing but fault through the same eyes
Actions
Words that she’ll never be left unsaid
Nor forgotten
An endless cycle showing her
her place in the world.
Nowhere

I run around
My day full of distraction
Just to forget
I get home  
Reach my bedroom chamber
Please just forget
Felling a bit triggered
“Come on try harder”
I tell myself
To forget
Finish my rituals
Shower, brush teeth, clean face…
Hoping that my body has forgotten
I lye in bed
Close my eye
Tight with intent
To forget
As I squeeze my pillow tighter
I can’t Forget
The wanting
To be engulfed by an embrace
Please forget
The need to be held
Let it be faint
Away from my memory
My body won’t let me forget
Like a ghost that Haunts I can feel
The hair texture
On your body
Can’t equate the number zero
The empty space beside me
Breath in
Out
Repeat to one self
Forget

We parted ways
And said our goodbyes
Seven months ago
On the 39th celebration of my birth
Of all days
I now see
It was actually a gift
And I thank you
Only in less the a month
You had..have
Another in your bed
Yet on what was supposed to be
Our 3rd year anniversary
After our depart
You persecute me
I waited six whole months
To finally let someone touch me
To finally let someone kiss me
To let somebody so kind and gentle
Show the desire within me
Of wanting to feel alive again
You persecute me
You expressed your pain
In my decision to feel desired once more
You persecute me
And refuse to see the pain you’ve ones cost me
Over and over again
You persecute me
And refuse to acknowledge your own wrongdoings
You persecute me
refuse to see
the times that I have forgiven you
And still do so
Never once showing remorse
Never once asking for forgiveness
Never once giving forgiveness
I overlooked all the ugly in you
Always reflecting light in the beauty
You persecute me
But don’t know how to truly love
Love isn’t  Boastful
Love is kind
Love is forgiveness
Love is pure
Love is messy
Love is unconditional
Yet you persecute me
For being wanted
The way a woman needs to be wanted
Persecution
is the only sentence you desire to give

No I’m not in love
I just love your touch
Rather it be an embrace
Rather it be A slight Graze
My back, my arm
Neck and face
You do ever so gently
And with such grace
I love your kiss
Lasting for a moment
It feels everlasting
Faith restored
In the power of
Something so simplistic
Such as this
No
I’m not in love
It’s definitely not that
It’s the power you gave back to me
You make me feel desirable
I love the chemistry
Manipulating my brain
In the most positive way
A perfidious lover
You most definitely
Are not
Generous Is the atmosphere
You create
To make me safe enough
To know that I’m not in love
And yet…
I am loved

Bodies facing each other as we slept
Chest to chest
My breath against your collar
Your breath against the top of my head
Feeling the movement of their sway with each breath you let out
Your  arms and legs engulfing my small frame
My cheek slowly pressed harder against you
As you grasp tighten
Drawing my ear closer to your chest
The soothing sound of your heart beat
Accelerates
A kiss to the forehead
And the slow movement of your hand going down my back
Moving down my waist
You give a firm squeeze
You somehow manage to pull my body closer
As if it wasn’t already close enough
I lift my head to meet your lips
Lifting my leg up as well so that my inner thigh meets your hip.
I suddenly feel you at attention
Strong as a rock
My heart beat can’t help but to quicken
From my side you lay me back down
Your chest rises from me
But? But? I think with my eyes
As I gaze upon him
I let out of my lips with a slight confusion
Chéri…
Sssshhh.. not yet
He whispers to me
Kisses go down my neck
Tongue gently grazing my ******
Kisses continue down my stomach
your wet tongue
Lick me on the Crease between my hip and thigh
Trying to find a little control and solace as i tightly grip the pillow
The suspense of your
warm wet tongue has me in a spin
Again you say
not yet
Holding on is both agonizing and thrilling
This time not only my heart beat but my breath quickens
Lifting while spending my legs
Your head and tongue reach your next destination
Holding the pillow tight for dear life
I can no longer stay in silent pleasure
My voice about to reach a second Pitch
Right when my body is about to explode
Not yet.
You grip my thighs and drag me down hip to hip
Thigh to thigh
Face to face
Both ready to receive each other with uncontrollable passion and pure
Ecstasy

I can't look at his face without wanting to cry
I pass you by in the house
intentionally not looking at him for that reason
i can't so looking passed you it will be
I can't keep the pain from rushing back up
like a title wave punching me in the gut
my throat closes
and the pain is intense
but I won't allow it to show
especially to someone who cares nothing for me
you aren't the kind of person to ever show remorse
never appalogies
always correct
thinks he can do no wrong
incapable of saying a simple thank you
the total opposite of the kind of person I am
for that I can't
and I wont give you the pleasure of seeing me suffer
for now I will still be me
no anger
show politeness and smile behind my pain.
I'll release in the privacy of the car, shower
anywhere but in front of you
till we part I can't and I won't.

I will love you like a fool
No.
I loved you like a fool
and your fool no longer shall be
no longer will I fool myself
No longer will I say
I didn't love hard enough
because I did
No longer will I wait to hear I love you
You made sure to stop doing so a long time ago
You no longer held me and called me like a man in love
no longe called me prince butter cup
while looking at me so intensely it would embarrass me
as you use to do
you no longer told me I was beautiful
I should of known then you had fallen out of love
no longer will I ignored the signs
kisses are no longer sweet
no longer will I ignore my worth
No longer will I foolishly
body, soul and spirit
give love and expect it back
without consequence
I let you free from the bonds of my heart
yes I will cry along the way
I will pick up my own shattered pieces

I ask myself everyday
How can I show you
How can I show you how you move me
Rather it be dancing in the kitchen
To you simply kissing my cheek
Your small gestures say it all
I’m safe in your arms
I don’t feel like I may fall
And even if I do
I know you’ll catch me
As I would you
You let me discover me
Because let’s just face it
I was never allowed to do so
You make me want to be a better woman
For myself, child and you my love
You make me excited again
I lay down my past
I look forward to our future
Something I never fathomed before
A concept so foreign
Your eyes show me the future I desire
Your words give me courage
Courage I never had been given your arms give me peace I desire
Yet still in your arms
I feel free
Freedom that I once haven’t had
I have nothing to give
But will spend the rest of my life showing you with every breath, touch and offering I can possibly possess and gather.

Mon cœur, mon esprit, mon corps et mon âme sont agités.  Ils ne me laisseront pas me reposer avant que ma tête ne repose sur votre poitrine.  La tête contre la poitrine, le son de vos battements de cœur me réconforte.  Tes bras sont étroitement enroulés autour de moi. Je sais que j’ai retrouvé ma personne.


My heart, mind, body and soul are restless. They won’t let me rest until my head is rested on to your chest. Head to chest the sound of your heart beat comforts me. Your arms tightly wrapped around me I know I’ve found my person.

This constant cycle of asking of how I am certain.

For once you be so certain about yourself and not question my love and certainty.

For once know I’ve been hurt and in pain as you have. else you and I wouldn’t be face to face at this particular moment

For once make love to me like you did the first time. for I still make love to you with as much want, need and intensity.

I’m exhausted but need your touch  

It’s constant.

must have your finger tips against my skin.

It’s constant.

lust over your lips pressed against mine.

It’s constant.

Sweating, releasing, breathing, exhaling in lost. Indeed it’s constant.

My constant is obvious. I leave the past to the past. The moment is first and my certainty of you is constant my love

How are you pulling me close?
I still feel your touch
Your kiss
Your arms wrapped around me so tight
I’d be okay in that position
Even if the world was coming to an end
At that very moment
Your arms always feel like home
I wish they didn’t

I’m afraid with one call
I would come running
I’m afraid nothing and no one
would be able to stop me
from getting to you
How do you do it?
How you have such a pull over me?

Your voice
The way you look at me
The thought of your breath against my forehead as we sleep intertwined

How?
How do you make me so weak
I’ve made it up in my mine
It’s over since I was your second choice
But I can still feel you pulling me
Deep down in my soul

There’s a crack in the walls
I’ve put back up
And I can’t find it.
I pray to find it so I may seal it back up

I miss the way you’d make me smile
Laughter till I couldn’t
I wish I had known our last kiss was goodbye

The way you grabbed me and turned me around to kiss me so passionately
It should of been a sign

The way you made love to me
That night is stuck with me and I can’t shake it.

When we said we are friends
I was fine
Until you said you missed me
And know I’m here in a puddle of tears
Trying not to run to you.
Don’t pull me in please
not when I know you maybe sitting next to her right now.

You keep pulling me in.

He treated her beautifully
They where madly in love
they talked for hours
Starring what felt like each others soul
They had a special bond that couldn’t be expressed
Made love for hours
Even days at times
Passionate
Explosive
She looked at him adoringly
Wondering how did she get so lucky
She loved how he looked at her
Touched her kissed her.
Both passionate about everything they did
Art, music, movies, their kids, family etc so on and so forth
She..
she...
She....
I
:-(
Little did I know I was the rebound
It was all an illusion
How was I to know?
I’ve never been in that position before to recognize it.
Picking up the shattered pieces of my heart at the moment
Wondering if I even really want to
Or should
What’s the point?

When the fighting for something side is finally broken. Pain isn’t felt anymore and tiers no longer fall. It’s kind of a relief and you pray being in that grey area lasts.

When does this pain stop?
I can’t sleep
I can’t think
I can’t stop crying
Missing my heart
I gave it to you
And I find myself in a ball every night
My tears won’t stop
Holding my pillow as hard as I can
Trying to drowned the sounds of me crying.
A peace of me dies every day I’m not in your arms
I dreamed you just showed up at my house
Held me close and kissed me
I wake and all the pain comes rushing back.
My stomach is in knots
Pleading with myself to stop crying. My day and night are so gray
Crying so hard I stop breathing
My chest as hurts
When will this pain stop

My body, mind and soul are tired
Every fiber of my being just wants to give up
The end sounds so sweet
When I think my tiers have run dry
I’m reminded that I mean nothing to you
My breath slows and I close my eyes
Hoping that somehow I don’t wake tomorrow.
Please please don’t let me wake.

Is this real?

I can’t decide which is better
Needing you
Or wanting you
You make me loose my breath
At the thought of you
I’m strong
independent
And I know that
But when it comes to you
You make my heart softer
I can’t recognize the steel walls
That I once forged to surround
guard and protect me
When I’m with you I don’t want to leave your embrace
Dare I say I’m madly in love with you?
In love in a way I’ve never thought possible
It scares me to the point I don’t believe it’s true
want to run away
But you pull me into your arms and kiss me like I’ve never been before
You make love to me like I’ve never known before
With one glace you make my knees Trimble and my heart skip multiple beats
I find myself sometimes unintentionally holding my breath
Wanting time to stop
I feel like you’re my home
You have my heart in you hands and I don’t want anyone else to keep it
I find myself pleading to the universe
If this isn’t real, don’t let it go on
Wake me from this dream
Save me from this over abundance of intense desire I’ve never encountered previously
What are your intentions?

Every second that turns into a minute
My thought are filled with being in your embrace
Every minute that turns into hours
My hands wonder by the ways and places you touched
Every hour that turn into days my breath slows thinking of your kisses
Everyday that turn to a week
I find my hands clenching my sheets and pillows  tightly
for than I don’t think I could control my actions anymore.

The way you look at me

It’s like you are reading every expression
Studying every freckle
Reading what my eyes are saying that I’m afraid to let out of my lips
The way you look at me makes me sink not only into your eyes but your pulling me to your chest without touching me.
The way you look at me I feel like your touching every curve and inch of my body before your hands even do
The way you look at me makes time stop
I don’t want tomorrow to come when I’m with you
Skin to skin your eyes never leave me
I’ve never felt this kind of intensity
It’s never ending and when we are apart I want more