It piles on and when I finally crumble under the weight of it, it's far too much to take.
I joke about it all the time,  "I'm pretty much the master of not dealing with things."
I joke but it a serious thing. I deal with nothing and and let it pile on.  Until eventually, I crumble. I take a long hot shower, my skin turns red. One  minute  passes by then another and another.  Soon enough the tears start to fall, and I can't stop them. **** the **** is broken, all the feelings left unspoken, coming out in waves. Dude get it together. You can't fall apart, you aren't weak, well maybe you are. So I take a deep breath in, release, it move on. The only thing your good at is pretending you are fine. So **** it the **** up move on.  Your strength sets with the sun, go to bed early, let the tears all fall. Let the thoughts bounce all around in your skull. When it's dark, it's easier to crumble. When it's dark and you are alone, there's no need for walls.

You would know that voice anywhere,
The deep, loud sound, that has always instilled fear.
The kind of fear that makes your blood run cold and hot. The kind that freezes you on the spot. Too paralyzed in fear.  Takes the very breath from your lungs.
You know those eyes, the same ones that were always too close. The ones that looked upon you with the most hate you have ever seen.  Eyes so close, voice so loud. You can't move fear roots you to the spot.
You don't know what the monster is saying, but it's occupying all of your thoughts.
You've tried so hard to detach from the monster, to remove it from yourself.
Eventually, someone points it out, so you look in the mirror, and take a long good look at yourself.
What you see looking back is the one thing you've tried so hard not to become.
The monster inside.

There's no need to remind me.
I already know.
I struggle with this more than
Anyone would know.
Many hours spent thinking and alone.
There's no need to remind me.
I know too well.
My existence is useless.
An absolute waste.
Please, stop reminding me,
I already know.

Everything is right where I left it. It's been so long, I feel the weight in my palm. Cool metal, and plastic against hot, cold, clammy hands. Hearing the slider click to open.
Click
Click
Click
Waves of nostalgia ripple, like waves in the ocean. While it's just in my hand, I can feel the Peace of being split open. So many years being clean, want to fall out of the window and drown in the ocean. I want to know, does it help the same? Will it dull the pain? It's calling out to me,  it knows what I've done. I wonder if I can stop at just one?

Hollowed out, the shell of a person. Emptied out nothing left inside

So many feelings all at once. Why did I open myself up, why did I let myself feel? Everything always hits at once.
It's hard to tell my heart to keep beating,
my lungs to keep breathing.
I just want that peaceful rest. Conflicting voices raging inside,
stop beating,
stop breathing.
It's so easy to let go.
Heart torn between sputtering,
and hammering.  Dying out or overcompensating.

Do you know how many times I've wanted to pick up the phone and let you know we still care people still care. You left you got up picked up your crap and were gone. Leaving no phone number and no forwarding address. All because you are searching for that highs caress.  But when you come down all the havoc and chaos you created is still around the high is only a distraction from the things you are destroying. Like your family and the friends that only want to see you get better. The friends that are feeding in to this addiction are no better than the drugs you think your missing.

How do you stop looking at someone as if they hung the stars themselves, even after they shattered your already fragile heart.
How do you stop someone from meaning everything to you when you know that's not a thing they feel too.

How do you make sense of a broken heart that just keeps getting worse.

How do you convince yourself to get over the one who you finally let through, when you come to terms with the cold hard truth, he just used you.

Every time I close my eyes
I hear a disembodied
Heart beat.
Something is just outside
Walking around.
At night time my fears come
alive
There is no escaping them
They come from all around.
A wicked laugh,
The beating of a heart,
The madding steps
Coming ever closer.
Coming from all over.
My fears come alive,
As soon as the sun sinks down.
No where to hide in this little town.
Even the most normal of sounds,
Turn terrifying when it
Gets dark
Dog barks,
heart stops.
Cat meows,
The tears fall down.
Nowhere to hide,
No way to make it stop.
Every sound I can hear
Brings me even more fear.
Icy chill runs down my spine,
When I hear that dog whine.
Begging please just go away,
Knowing every fear is here to stay.
What's worse is realizing ill
**Never get away.

Lift me up on angel wings.
Take me to where I'm safe.
Take away all my
FEAR & PAIN.
Take me there on your
Angel Wings.
I want to be where you are.
Sadly, I know that it way to far
For any plane, train, bus, or car.
So just fly down past the clouds,
To where all the humans are.
That's where you can find me.
So please just pick me up on your
Angel wings, and take me to
Where all the ANGELS are.

I really **** at this,
Why bother at all.
I did it all to impress you,
But you don't  care at all.
In my head I thought I
Could make you
F
   A
L
     L
I really know nothing at all.

The fear gripping my chest,
Made my blood turn to
Needles.
Never have I felt a thing so
Painful.
So scared of what's next,
As it creeps up my neck.
My blood runs colder,
As my head gets hotter.
Such a strange reaction
To such an emotion.
When the fear settles in,
Logic moves out.
And getting away is all
I care about.
No matter what I do,
Ill never get away.
My fear has moved in and,
He's here to
S t A y

Mania is a funny thing.
When you you're up,
you're up.
Way way up.
Everything is funny,
and everything's ok.
So much to think,
do and to say.
So little time to do it all in.
I'm up,
I'm  up
I'm very very up.
  I can't stop.
I can't get my thinks out any faster.
I need more hands
to perhaps
write faster.
I'm up,
I'm up,
I'm very very up.
The faster I write
the faster they come.
I can No longer read my own writing.
And time is moving slower.
I apologize that my writing is a bit all over

Nothing to write not a phrase in my soul.
This wicked wall comes an keeps inside,
everything untold, try as I might
I can't  bring it down.
It blocks every creative outlet till I have nothing left.
My thought are held captive
behind its bold bricks,
  stopping my pen from doing its tricks.
nothing is strong enough to bring its walls down.
I must just sit out side and wait till they
come tumbling
D
  O
     W
          N
Releasing everything pent up inside.
everything comes out in a stampede.
It must all be written about as it flows out.
My pen can't seem to keep up.

I can almost feel that cold blade
digging in to my skin.  
The cool tingle before the sharp sting.
The release of endorphins makes me slightly dizzy.  
The bright red blood trickles down my pale arm.
Such a beautiful color contrast.
Why stop at just one?
The thought of these wonderful sights and feelings cause a visible shiver to run down my spine.
I simply can't wait to be alone so I can make these things appear on my arms.
Fantasizing about this is no longer enough.  
It's finally time to give in to this addiction.

Please just let me fall asleep,
I have already dug my razor
Way too deep.
Please just let me Fall Asleep.

I'm laying here tears in my eyes,
Blood on my sheets.
Please for ***** sake let me
FALL ASLEEP!

Please just let me fall asleep,
I want to stop crying,
Inside I'm ******* dying.
Please, just let me fall asleep.

Please, just let me fall asleep,
With each pass of this razor,
It goes a little deeper,
I just want to make this night end!!!
PLEASE, just let me fall asleep.

I have no other way to express
What I'm feeling,
I don't think I'm actually
Dealing.
It's better to pretend I'm brave,
So they can't tell.
He'll yes I'm scared.
When those results were explained,
Only one word stuck,
T
    U
       M
           O
               R.
What this can't be true.
I find out tomorrow where to
Go from here.
Another set of blood work
Just to make sure.

Normal range between 4 and 23,
If this was a race to 100
wouldn't be beat.
92 and some decimals have told me,
My fate.

The long journey begins today,
With these two simple words,
B
      R
            A
                  I
                      N

                 T
            U
       M
   O
R

Come one, come all,
To see this girl fall.
Every unkind word,
That you thought she never heard.
Has all earned a spot on,
Her body canvas.
And painted in her mind.
She already had her demons,
That screamed out above all.

Watch closely ladies and gents,
As you see the inner struggle
Written on her face.

And still you say nothing,
Ignore it. It will go away..

L o o k closely,
She's not winning,
You can see that her world is
Spinning.

Looking up from where she's sitting,
It's a whole new person,
She has lost this final battle,
No one seems to care.

She grabs that rope and ties it up,
Real high.
Makes that necklace fit just right,
Clears her throat one last time,
Says softly into the wind,
Game over, I have lost control,
Of my mind.

A beautiful angel has been called home,
I already miss her so.
Even though we were miles away,
In my my heart she always stayed.
And now she's gone,
I never said goodbye.
I'll never forget all the trips,
To her house.
And all the silly things she said.
She was quite the ballsy,
Lady always spoke her mind.
I know she's up there watching over us all.
Probably giving everyone in heaven a run
For their money.
And giving my grandma hell,
For leaving so soon.
God too this angel, to end her pain,
And now she can walk again.

R.I.P Aunt Arlie,
You are loved and already missed

All I want to do is sleep,
I know there's something wrong.
So very, very wrong.

I am dizzy all the time,
I'm always in a fog.
Something is really wrong.

I should see a doctor,
I'm really quite scared.
I have a decent idea,
About what's going on inside.

I'm terrified of the possibilities.
But something is very very wrong.

I actually believe that,
This time I may have gone
Too deep.

I can't make it stop.
Red, red every where.

Feeling weak, I can no longer speak.
I fall to the floor.
The crash sounds quiet,
And that is strange.
The ringing in my ears is getting louder.

The once bright light is dimmer now.
I feel a bit colder now.
The iron smell is kinda strong.
I winkle my nose, I don't like that smell.

Then finally It fades to black,
This truly was my final act.

I try so hard to make everyone happy.
No one seems to notice that something is
horribly wrong.

I have lost all interest in everything I loved.
Tiny red marks have started to grow,
a little deeper,
           a little longer,
a little wider.

I sleep all the time,
but you best believe I'll say,
I'm just fine.

Its coming closer, I know I'm ready.
Just give me a few minutes to collect my composure.

I'll need a steady hand, to make sure this goes just right.

Pop the cap,
grab the blade, and
the rope.

Just relax, I totally got this.

I can feel it coming,
My end is near.
There are no ups left for me.
This downward spiral I have been on,
is only proof I cannot go on.

I am ready to sleep forever,
its not much different than what I do now.

I cannot take one more person letting me down.

Painfully shy, I can't look anyone in the eye.
I hear my name and I turn bright red.
Why must I be so painfully shy.

I hide my face whenever I can,
hoping nobody sees me so I don't
have to speak.
The lengths I have gone to hide from people
is actually quite frightening.
I can feel my throat start to tighten,
anytime I have to speak.
I don't care if i've known you for
100 years.
I'm so PAINFULLY SHY.

I hide who I am whenever I can.
How can I expect you to like me,
if I hate myself too.

I develop many personalities,
just to hide who I am.

I have talked to many people,
none of which know who I am.
It seems as though it is better that way.

I count every calorie,
I just want to be small.
In recovery for 3 years,
gained a lot.

My demons started screaming,
look at how big you have gotten.
Are you stupid? 130 lbs.
look at your hips you look disgusting.

No amount of yelling back could shut them up.
Went to the store and bought some pills.
Stopped eating in that moment.
Slowly started losing the weight.

The screaming refused to stop,
You're still fat, fix it.
More and more pills,
less and less food.

52 hours and all I've had is water and pills.

I know he hurt me, and I know
he may do it again.
The possibility is real.
But I don't care,
he was the only one who,
I let break my heart.

I fell so hard, and so fast.
When he left my world fell apart.

I have a chance to have him back.
What's life without a little risk.
He's the only boy I have ever loved.

He could be my one.
Please understand that.
I need to live my life.

Little girl only 3,
Asks what are you doing to me?
Little boy age of 6,
Don't worry you'll be fine

Little girl aged to 6,
Standing high in the tree house,
Pleading please stop I don't want to play.
Little boy age now 9,
Keep ******* quiet and you'll be fine.
Do as I say, or I will bring you pain.
Pleading again, she says please just let me go.
We are in the tree house, alone
No one will ever know.
I'll shove you out, and watch you fall.
And watch your blood seep from your skull.

Little girl 13 now, standing in front of her mom.
No mom nothing happened.
Don't be ridiculous.
Little boy now 16,
Has no clue of the damage he has done.

Everyone says you look so good,
You're so thin.
Look how tiny you are.

But, as they say these things,
My mind starts to scream
They are just
                    L
                      Y
                        I
                         N
                           G
Don't listen to them
You look so  FAT
They don't even like you enough,
To tell the truth.

Then that time comes around
I made your favorite food.
no thanks, I'm not feeling quite right
     I'm really just
                        L
                     Y
                 I
            N
        G.

It's hour 52.
The only thing that my stomach holds
Is a little blue pill.

Ok, yea I'm gonna go ahead,
And take that as a personal hit.
I knew that it would only last for a moment.
But, holy **** did that just hurt.
Even though it wasn't me.
I am too one if the unidentified ones.
Classifying us all as one,
Holy ****, the damage you have done.
I've been nothing but nice to you.
You have said it your self.
Now you just classified us all,
As nothing but ****.
Now, I'm terrified to say anything at all.
I'll hang out like a fly on the wall.
I'm not going to lie,
          That
              Really
                 *******
                       H
                    U
                R
            T.

If she only knew,
When she gave me that tool,
My  first thought was this
Is too ******* cool.

  The second was not so  innocent.
    Imagine the cuts this is going to make.
       It's going to be so portable,
          I'll take it every where.
              I'll never be too far from my only peace.

Oh, the first cuts my new friend made,
Were oh so beautiful, and stung so good.

I couldn't stop,
   I liked it a lot.

It was so much easier than the box cutter before.
I never leave home with out her now.
Always knowing she's near, helps me cope.


If she only knew when she took me to that room.
The scalpel she gave me so innocently,
Turned sinister so quickly.

I am there for anyone,
Family, friends,
Complete strangers too.
If you need an ear,
I'm here for you.
I don't need a name,
This isn't a game,
I just like to help.
I help others because,
I can't seem to help
                 Myself.

I am there for anyone,
Family, friends,
Complete strangers too.
If you need an ear,
I'm here for you.
I don't need a name,
This isn't a game,
I just like to help.
I help others because,
I can't seem to help
                 Myself.

It's meant as a joke, you say it with a smile.
Every word you say,
sticks in my brain.

As I lay down to sleep,
silently I start to cry.

You will never know, because I'll NEVER let it show.
Each unkind word you say, becomes a real scar.
I will carry every word on my skin.

Each time I see you it starts with,
Hey Ugly why are you here, isn't it time for you to leave?
Go put make up on to cover up your
                                                              U
                                                                G
                                                                   L
                                                                     Y.

I can feel myself drifting away.
Fading faster with each passing day.
No one listens to what I need to say.

On this rainy day it will all come to light.

I pull the cool, shiny, metal from its hiding place.
It reflects the emptiness from my eyes.
Quickly I smile, as I dig that blade into my arm.

All the while thinking...
What's the harm?

The blood starts pouring from my left arm.
Crimson red against pail white.
It's my very own beautiful sight.

I created it all on my own.
It's my very own masterpiece.

Suddenly, my world starts to spin.
As the door **** starts to turn,
the panic on the face of this human
is all I can see.

I can't get any words out.
They come out as a sigh.

She kneels down beside me.
and silently asks me why?

The bright lights and all the people running about,
are of the last of my memories.

Because you decided to care,
when it was too late.