Hollow, deep and empty;
Welcoming to the dark.
Hollow, deep and empty;
Wishing to make my mark.
Hollow, deep and empty;
The flashbacks begin to start.
Hollow, deep and empty;
These scars are not a work of art.

Myself loved to play hide-and-seek.
That game went on for six years
I almost started to believe
that I lived in it.
My happiness used to hide in any place –
behind my smile most of all,
so that nobody could find my sadness
underneath it.
I’ve always had this weird cough
since I was fourteen.
I sometimes thought that
maybe,
somehow,
it was my own sadness trying
to find its way out of my mouth,
just to suicide itself on the pavement.
Tired of being in the dark
but too scared of the light.
The first time I said out loud
I was gay,
I cried so hard.
I used to think I was
ill,
dysfunctional,
twisted.
But once my father asked me:
«Who can tell what normality is?».
Today I am twenty years old and
I’m who I have always supposed to be.
Myself has grown up
it doesn’t play hide-and-seek anymore.
I am finally able to say
that the true meaning of “Pride”
is to not be ashamed
of who you are.
It’s to be thankful
for you you are
with no ifs or buts or if onlys.
It’s to look in the mirror
and see not a burden,
neither a failure.
Instead a heart and a soul
from which you find strength and love.
I have spent so many years
committing hate crimes against myself.
Now I’m working so hard
on loving me and
it’s not ******* easy.
But here I am
out of the closet
enjoying the light
I’ve been missing.

Why should I love
To get my heart broken again
To have more wasted days in bed
To text you and be left on read
To feel the hole in my heart
To sit in dark rooms and cut
Why should I love again
if all it brings is
Pain

What if I told you
I want to die?
That i’m tired of living,
Of being alive?

What if I told you
It gets worse at night?
The thoughts get louder,
And nothing is right?

What if I died?
Would you even cry?
Would you even care?
If I took my own life?

I'm thinking as if I'm sinking, with my head deep down under the water surface.
Choking in the coldness of my thoughts.
I got used to the negative voices after a while, scraping down the surface of my brain like sand on skin. My eyes are closing because of the unpleasant pinch the whispers bring.
It works like salt, tiny crystals blinding my eyes for what's real.
I can hear the people screaming from above. They want to save me.
I just lay there in my thoughts, hoping for a wave to make the final decision, or a rock to give me final hope. It's hard to see with salt in your eyes.
It's even harder when you're the one causing the blindness yourself.

I need to stay
sane
while my blurry
head catches up
with the depression,
that wants to swallow
me in
whole.

why did
you have to slowly come
back when I was ready?
I wasn't steady,
and stable for this.

let it fade away,
that's when you
know it's going
to go.

it won't.

my heads blurry,
filled up
with a rush
of thoughts.

I don't feel good,
I don't feel good enough.

it won't go.

I'm scared you’re  going to stay,
and won't let it fade away.
on this day,
I'm trying to be okay.
I don't want it to stay.

just drink up,
your cup of tea.
sit tight,
you'll be okay.

let's hope
it won't stay for long.

just open the door,
let it be comfortably
numb.
give it a place
to sit, on this
comforting place.
go at your own pace,
it's okay. (I hope)