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Dec 2021 · 40
Second
Ann Terrin Dec 2021
Tick, tick, tick away all the minutes go
Waiting on calls
Hoping for hellos

Sneaking away
Running errands, you say
Later and later wishing you’d stay

Holidays, birthdays, milestones pass by
Wishing you were next to me
Trying not to cry

Head up
Shoulders back for there is no one other than you
Except for your wife, who isn’t number two
Dec 2021 · 38
Dirt
Ann Terrin Dec 2021
Widowed
Alone
Truly on my own  

Exhausted
Worn down
Older
Colder
Locked behind my door

Reflecting
Dissecting
Longing for my sense of home
Ultimately knowing we all die alone

Still buried above
Now buried below
Struggling daily to finally let go

Haunting my sleep
Taking parts of my soul
Leaving only enough to fail short of my goal

Hang tight
No fight
Our ugliness binds my mind
Your inflated ability not yet my behind

I reach for the quiet
The climb elusive and steep
Craving sedation to help with my weak

Compliant Sub to her Dom
Allowing to be strung along
Filling my hopes with all the right wrongs

I seek out your shame
Our familiar the same
Still married
Complacent
Again used as your cane

I love and support
We connect and transcend
You relent
I bend
We’re now steeped so far within

Farewells in cabs
Pleasurable orals in lots
Always a place where you could never be caught

A well earned tattoo on my face
The Scarlet Letter of disgrace
As I boldly and willingly encroach in her space

My pain loves your company
Our broken halves make our beautiful whole
The hole our whole digs buries innocent souls

Selfish and absorbed
Unresolved and bold
We deserve the worst of what society unfolds  

The branding
Expanding
The names and the hurts
We deserve one another
Until we too meet our dirt
Dec 2021 · 32
Dear Me,
Ann Terrin Dec 2021
To the woman I am today
What would I say to you
Would you listen anyway

I would say
To never fear the failures
Failures are lessons in disguise
Look hard enough for the teachings that are meant to open your eyes

I would say
To give with all your heart
What matters, dear self, is choosing to begin
Choosing to take your start
Finding the courage from within

I would say
Breath in life fully
Breath with confidence
Breath with peace
Find your small place in the world  
To love fully and with ease

I would say
Use your words to elevate others
Use your words to be kind
Use your words gently even when others willingly cross the line  

I would say
Your children are watching
They soak you in like a sponge
Be the best you always
Make your children your number one

I would say
Fear no man
Fear no woman
Fear no judgment of others
And fear no pain
For these evils are all around you
And often call themselves brother

I would say
Fear only the All Mighty
For our souls he died
Blessedly giving us a fresh start
Always beside us when we cry

I would say
Be kind to yourself, dear older me
Lead life by the example God meant you to be

I would say
Believe truly in yourself
And trust that feeling with all your heart
Commit your soul to God
And may you never fall apart
Nov 2021 · 55
Paramour
Ann Terrin Nov 2021
Line by line
Hook by hook
Every cast you threw out I fell for the look

Yet you’re still tethered and netted to the fake appearance of “all”
You would call me to cry
But really, you only called me to stall

Red lips
High heels
Paramour lingerie
I did all the hot things your wife could never dare say

I believed you would leave her
We planned and you chattered
If I listened much closer I would have heard ...
“you truly don’t matter”

On my own once again
Steeped in deep sadness and despair
Gasping and gasping
I keep gasping for air
Nov 2021 · 53
Muse
Ann Terrin Nov 2021
Tormented love is a ****** muse.
Sep 2021 · 356
Cradle
Ann Terrin Sep 2021
push and pull
old and new
his abuse almost killed me
but it brought me to you

unyielding demands served to kept me in line
to kept me afraid
consumed precious time

quietly together we buried our past
unwillingly yet willingly
we completed our tasks

shoulder to shoulder
in front and behind
we leaned on each other as we walked the same line

now free and wide open
gently cradling my neck
slowly entering within me
deliberate
wet

your beautiful eyes
so gentle
so kind
you heal me through trust
the trust that endures all of time

as we slide and we slide
slowly deep
deep inside
I relent in these moments with nowhere to hide

the walls I held high kept him out for so long
just seconds in our space
all those walls were now gone

exposed and afraid I cover my eyes
gently cradling my neck
you are quiet
you are kind

inside me
beside me
the dearest friend, I adore

my lover
my partner
my forevermore
Mar 2021 · 266
Forked Tongue
Ann Terrin Mar 2021
the fork in your tongue
is old
not young
forged in venom
and not by sun
not of this plain
pleasured by pain
pleasured by blood
caused by your stain
you slither and slide
seethe and hide
propped up by your maker's nonsensical pride
hatred injected by you in our sons
following her footsteps of all that's become
your cancer will **** you
it's certain
it's true
your demise is cemented by the evil in you
have you asked for forgiveness
no, never
not once
I hope in your end
you face God’s vengeful punch
Marital Lessons
Mar 2021 · 301
Triggers
Ann Terrin Mar 2021
Dishes piled high, but higher still is the laundry that sits just where it will
I cannot fathom the thought of leaving my bed
I cannot fathom moving until I am dead
“She’s crazy” he says to my children each day
She could if she wants …
Will her depression away
“*******!!!!”
I scream inside the top of my head
Wishing and hoping he would finally drop dead
His cancer has taken over all our lives
His “excuse to excuse” the abuse he would hide
You can hide it no longer
It’s not in my head
You want to label me crazy and have me strapped to a bed
It’s not me he argues to all who will hear
It’s not me, “she’s crazy”
Yet he beats me still
Your pills are not working
Your therapy is moot
Check yourself into Cuckoo Land
Try and stay in the loop
I’ll strip all of you down
Crazy piece after piece
Until you have nothing
Left to cry on your knees
“I’m not crazy!!!”, I scream
But you won’t go away
You’re put here to torture me to the end of my days
Your cancer is slow and my heart cannot beat
I’d rather be dead then to become your repeat
Ours sons sound like you
Their words trigger me too
I can’t will them away
Like I still will away you
You demon
You dark one
You false ******* Jew
Place that gun in my hand
Then walk away too
The gun is so heavy
So cold
Yet so light
The chamber at my face
Eyes closed with deep spite
Your triggers are what I’ve lived with so long
the most hurtful emotions
the most painful of wrongs
Is this cold steel finally the last I must endure?
As it fits my finger perfectly,
Yes ... I am finally sure
Marital Lessons
Mar 2021 · 277
Heavy
Ann Terrin Mar 2021
Try harder, so I do
Still reaching for the fix
My mind cannot bear another year of six
It’s in his hands so what will I do
He yells and yells louder ...
I’m waiting
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on you
Fix this and do that
Can you ever just, STOP!
Hours, minutes, seconds on your clock
The label of duty of a wife on Shabbat
Your intent was evil and always with plot
Spread your legs!
Shut your mouth!
Let my birthright inside you
Alone in my mind
But I had to abide you
I cried ‘till you finished
Left burned and diminished
Curled up
Dead inside with nothing left to give
Yet, you demanded more if I wanted to live
These unspoken vows
How could I have known
I wasn’t a Jew
How could I be ******
You are nothing without me
I will take as I please
Your screams are useless as I enter with ease
My distain was certain and I fought to withhold
I could not bear your touch and prayed to die cold
Your punishment loomed always
You made me guess “when”
I hid in our closets pulling my soul further in
You were never worthy to be at my feet
You serve as my slave and you are now mine to keep
As I grew out my armor
I hoped it could repel
Your disgusting hands
You inadequate male
For your spirit was cold
It was mean
It was old
You were born self-entitled
Adorned self-proclaimed gold
Even cancer can’t change you
Not even a bit
Still abusive as ever
Still living to spit
Your host is so evil
The most rotten apple from her tree
I wish her the deepest of pains for creating the abuser you'd be
The sounds of her mouth
All the stink of her too
Inappropriate
Loud
A pick-and-choose Jew
You’re chosen you say
So, what, you don’t need to abide
By the laws of, The Book
Alas, The Book, has two sides
You choose what you want and ignore all the rest
Your go to MO
You've both mastered it best
Still dutifully married
Our life torn apart wide
Clenching me tightly
Prancing around with your pride
But as I grow older, I begin to whither and fade
I still deal with my devil to whom I’m enslaved
When will he go?
I’ve asked and begged why
I’ll ask for forgiveness when I can no longer cry
Now finally, I stand over you
Lifeless and cold
Your soul still infested with hatred and mold
My last mitzvah of dirt I’ll gladly shovel with ease
To finally breath that longed moment of peace
Peace from your self-hatred
Jealous of me ever more
I sigh the deepest of breaths as dirt covers your door
Cry one last time …
Impossible
I have no more tears
You stole them from me when you ***** me for years
Marital Lessons
Feb 2021 · 123
Why
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
Why
Why do I love you, when you are not mine
Why do I love you, and wait for our time
Why do I love you, when I’m afraid to let go
Why do I love you, just because you say so
Why do I love you, just because you are kind
Why do I love you, when I’m kept on your line
Why do I love you, because you **** me so well
Why do I love you, under when I’m under your spell

You’ll hurt me I know, one day in the end
And when that day comes … what will I do
When that day comes, you will lie to me too

Our kiss in the alley is what kills me inside
Our kiss in the alley is our secret to hide
Our kiss in the alley was passionate and kind
Our kiss in the alley should have made you all mine

No matter what happens I will never let go
I will never let go, until you tell me so
Feb 2021 · 122
Voiceless
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
Be seen and not heard for your voice does not matter
Get back to your chores and stop all the chatter

My list was so long
My job was unjust
Berating a child was never a must

The silence was thick
It covered the walls
Affection was absent
I reached for my dolls

Pretend I would play for a happier home
A mommy and daddy who never left me alone  

Latch key was badge I wore often with pride
Pleasing became normal, but killed me inside

You left me on Christmas
How could I have known
That all these years later, you would never come home

By the window I’d look
I grieved and I cried
I call on the Army to find a way back inside

Was the look worth the fight, for it didn’t seem so
I asked you to stay, but you wanted to go

Ran away from us all
Fine
But you forgot about me
You left me to fight
You left me no key

Now back in our lives
A better grandfather you are
Seeing your kindness healed a few of my scars

Daddy’s girl I remain
Loving you evermore
I only wish to forget, seeing you walk out our door
Childhood Lessons
Feb 2021 · 100
Trust
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
How do I trust, when you forget to say hi
How do I trust, when you don’t say goodbye
How do I trust, when I’m invisible and unseen
How do I trust, when I’m kept in between
How do I trust, when I’m in the dark
How do I trust, when you hit me so hard
How do I trust, when you spit in my face
How do I trust, when I don’t know my place
How do I trust, when you lie, lie and lie
How do I trust ...

When you finally die
Marital Lessons
Feb 2021 · 92
Trophy Wife
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
I left and was broken
Still broken I remain
But on my hard days, I remember the pain

He inflicted it daily, all the verbal abuse
You ******* woman
You ******* muse

The watch I once gave with all of my heart
Discarded as cheap
Not looked at as art

Was my inscription too short
My love forever, it read
I hoped you would wear it,
until we were dead

But you're dead on the inside
I should have looked closer
As you punched me when pregnant and bruised my left shoulder

I never could fathom the man you would be
I never could leave
I never could see

All others spoke gently
They urged me to leave
I rewarded them greatly
Cut their branch from my tree  

Family and friends, they fell left and fell right
But still standing beside me, the wood for my fight

You’re alone now and dying, with only her by your side
Your trophy no more, no tears left to cry
Marital Lessons
Feb 2021 · 117
The Promise
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
How perfect you are
So round and so small
Promising my spirit, I could forget it all  

Consume me, you cry
Wait, what did I hear
Consume me, you cry louder, for do not fear

Forget, you whisper and so quietly sigh
Contempt filled with promise of saying goodbye
Amnesia, I remind you, as I swallow you whole
Bring death to me quickly before he knocks on our door

My reliable friend, for far, far too long
I needed you to cope, but just couldn’t go on

I grew weak and too weary
My spirit did fall
For my son has left me, and my heart he took all

Just surface now for those who know
The true depth of a soul is so far below

Don’t weep
Don’t cry
It wasn’t your fault
I just wasn’t strong enough to continue the walk
Feb 2021 · 132
The Others
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
You smiled so big in public and treated others so well
But I knew in the quiet you’d cast that dark spell

So nice and showering with false affections and gifts
But you tightened the noose until it was stiff

Too stiff to object
Too stiff to sit still
Alone with your albatross, I’m ordered up hill

He’s running for mayor
Oh, what nice guy
How could I have known, when you couldn’t say why

Why
Why
Why
I screamed from my thin paper cup
My pain fell on deaf ears
I was never enough

Punishment etched your ton ame
You served seconds and thirds
of what more you expected of me

The Violence
The Pain
You dished out with ease
Deep scars on my soul never lessened with, “please”

My walk in Nahant, a brief moment reprieve
Planning an escape
Finally, planning to leave

On bent knees I would cry
I would beg and pray to the God

Take this man or take me for it cannot be both
Throw the noose over the beam, so I can end any hope
Marital Lessons
Feb 2021 · 39
Sinless
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
Your wings were not broken
They were simply not used
She used you to death
And called you her muse

You abused her and she liked it
She’s sick in her head
She killed four others and slept peacefully in bed

I can’t speak my mind, for what if he leaves
You sick ******* woman
His abuse is like leaves

Falling oh so silently like a leaf in the wind
It comes from all angles and always without sin
Sin is unheard of on our side of the book
I can do what I want to you
***** … get up and cook

We’re entitled and chosen
You have zero say
I can do what I want, and you can’t get away

She raised an abuser who abused all of me
She enabled her son to then abuse three

I begged God for the backbone to get up and leave
My backbones grew up and stood as tall as the trees

No longer victims, survivors we’ll be  
So how are you chosen, when God chose to spare me

You’re sick now and dying all right before our eyes
Relegated to your care, she forced to your side
Your family has left you, you despicable man
And your abuse will endure for as long as she can
Marital Lessons
Feb 2021 · 114
Little
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
Little you gave, but so much you took
I gave you my world without so much as a look

You cried and leaned and ****** out my marrow
Never to see me as a beautiful sparrow

You could only see what you were blinded to know
Degrees of importance that seemed so far below

The ivy I fought against could never be pruned
It was never enough for you to notice me soon

Reflection has proven to be my valuable friend
It saw me though you and gave me my end

You could never say what I wanted to hear
But for that I forgive
You’re still frozen in fear

I bid you farewell
Finally, one last goodbye
The torch I once carried
All the tears I did cry

Not far from my beginning
The home I once knew
I wish you healing
And to know love again too
Feb 2021 · 98
For Braeden
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
How fast the journey went for you
How could I have blinked for so long
It was only a sigh, but then you were gone

Did I not love you enough
Was I too fat for your pride
For how dare I show pain, when you killed me inside

I don’t need you, you proclaim!
So go away now and don’t say goodbye, for I don’t know how

For no matter how you gave, it could never be enough
I would take from you more, but at what cost
I can’t give of myself, because I am lost

Farewell my dear son, for I will never let go
Even when each day kills me ever so slow

I can never forget, even though I try
I’ve lost you forever
Failing to prevent the why

I would offer my soul to bring you to light
But I don’t know how, when I have no more fight

I pray with each day you will never forget
That I will love you forever, past my dying last breath

So shine, thrive, become that person inside you,
And never forget, my sweet son, I am always beside you
Truest love lessons
Feb 2021 · 119
Coo
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
Coo
Lying in bed without you
Hearing the coo of the mourning doves
Wishing you were inside me
Wishing we could make love

I long for your kisses
I long for your touch
A lifetime with you is never enough

We’ve waited so patiently
We’re no longer young
Both half alive
Both half a lung

Planning with patience
Planning so long
Put yourself inside me
It’s where you belong
Feb 2021 · 95
Amour
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
Tragic spinster I may
But before that day comes
I will swallow away

Swallow deep down my throat
Moan with pleasure and ease
And you’ve lost all hope, as I stay on my knees

Rub that spot you know best
For my world you will then shake
Until fountains of beauty form into a lake

Dive deeper, I ask, as you are the one
Inside me your manhood is as wide as the sun

My holes are in darkness, so fill them with light
For I’m done withholding all of this fight

A great debt I do owe
For your patience was kind
You loved me completely and gave me your time

In your arms I remain
For as long as you’ll hold
For you are my world
Hand-in-hand through our old
Feb 2021 · 138
Within
Ann Terrin Feb 2021
Within you it spread
So slowly it grew
But I knew in an instant it was all about you

Ascension from excuses
Your cause now legit
You hit even harder and enjoyed all the spit

Never lifting a finger
Always barking for more
I hid in the shadows and cried behind doors

Yelling was normal and demands you gave loud
For cancer was now just part of our crowd

You expected the suffering to impinge on us all
Expecting us to hover
Expecting me to crawl

Fits of rage filled the walls like shells in the sand
Holes in our hearts you opened like cans

How could we be normal
How could we equip
For the long road ahead, that wasn’t our trip

Your end came so often
I could never regret
I left you with cancer
You left us with debt

Debt of our hearts
Our emotions you took
You spent us like worms barbed on your sharp hooks

Your forked tongue never faltered
Your heart was still cold
For even through chemo you lied, and you stole

Empty promises of change as we fell to our knees  
Praying for healing
Praying for peace

If your end is now near
I’ll say a heartfelt goodbye
To happier times spent without all your lies
Marital Lessons

— The End —