The harsh truth came when I saw someone die for the first time 
I couldn’t understand and since I haven’t drunk any wine 
I grew up suddenly way too fast 
I tried to take it as life’s big test 
But I broke and fell apart 

I’m 26 but I’m living life like I’m 80
I learned really soon there is no such things as tooth fairy 
I struggle with keeping myself alive 
I fight with the burden of all the false lies 
That they tell us when we’re young 

I thought it’s all in my head, this void that is nameless 
It sits in the back of my mind, just shapeless 
The real world is too small, mine is the biggest 
It covers everything, all is meaningless 

What is it I’m looking for 
Gold of rainbow at rainfall
What’s the purpose I can follow 
Why do I wake up tomorrow

April, why did you leave
me lone to get older
turn another Year
Ten days later
when you couldn’t in
July, why don’t you
blow
the candles in
November, forced remembrance
throughout the Year

The power of your wild beauty 
Shocks and magnetises me 
I exis in silent awe
That love I feel is breaking law

It’s hard to find solace 
In the bitter heart of a lone man
He’ll turn you to stone

You ain’t no good judge of me 
You’re way too much in love with me 
You’re biased eyes they mislead you
You don’t see what’s in front of you 

Don’t put me higher than I am 
**** the angel you think I am 
Adjust your vision to see reality 
Don’t be fooled by my beauty 

I am evil, a ruthless beast 
Don’t forgive me, don’t let me feast 
On you weakness and your care 
I’ll devour it and steal your air

All the victims and their sin
Burning fire on my skin 
Screaming children of today
Born from fear of yesterday 

I was breastfed the pain of generations 
Drank up their instincts to have suspicions 
Past poisons my bloodstream keeps me in cages 
I’m mentally struggling to escape all these places 

Electric buzzing in the heads
Causing offsprings in distress 
Piercing shrieking, heart attack
Tears of anger, slow, numb death 

Deformed tranquilizer dart 
Broken vocal chords, no art

Love is like
A bubble of laughter
A fort
Made of pillows
Surrounding me
Comfortably

Born from water 
Of the womb 

Walk on earth and 
Breathe the air 

Turn to fire 
On the pyre

Machine head at the wheel
Getting instruction 
Traitors of life bringing
Final destruction 

Fleeing from flames 
Crying tribes losing homes
All left behind is 
Dry cracked bones 

1984 is the present 
World leaders lying
**** your agenda!
Can’t you see the world’s dying?

I melt you in my comfort

Queen on an old dime
Imprint of past time 
Empty emotions 
Acts of a fake mime 

When singing was living 
And dancing was playing
I’ve been all the art forms 
But now I’m all nothing 

I’m asked my profession
But not my real passion
I draw in the sand now 
To cry my confession 

Is denial a big crime 
The church bells they will chime 
For innocent souls 
Will they also ring for mine

Physical quarantine
Mental prison
Virus as guard
Who won’t let us out

Travel is danger
Love across borders
Loss of his touch
Rips my heart out

Trial of patience
Mental endurance
Are humans stronger?
****, we won’t bow out!

Creation is
Another level of consciousness
All I don’t understand
Makes sense when I create

Emotions awoke upon
Reading a poem
Seeing a painting
Hearing a song

I give nothingness
A shape
The unknown gets
A personality

You say that you need love
But when I hold you
You cannot hug me back

You say oh please, **** me
I wanna die now
Why don’t you let me disappear

Please don’t **** yourself
I’ll be your friend but
Sorry I can’t say no more

Knife on your veins
And tears in my eyes
Nothing’s gonna be better
Never

We’re watching the trains
Oh why can they leave
And why do we have to stay

You hate yourself and you
Know that they hate you
Because you’re not like
Them at all

You can see through me
And I can feel your pain
Put on your mask little boy
Try to live life like it matters

You could be saved or
You’ll be your own hero
It’s up to you not me
Anymore

You think I could do better 
I think you could do better
So why do we force it 
When it’s all broken fully 

I could easily forget you 
If I deleted your picture 
Forced you out of my mind 
You’d vanish from my life 

You’d be a memory
And we’d get rid of all this 
Hurting and arguing 
Constant misunderstanding 

Pretending that it still works 
When we know we can’t forgive 
Mistakes have been too many
I lost count while crying myself 

To sleep without you hugging me 
You don’t get me anymore
Or maybe you never did 
I just wanted it so bad 

I lied to both of us 
I needed you back then 
But now it’s just a burden
If you don’t understand anything

Imagine someone there  
I wake up in tears
Too pretty to be true
Without my fears

It's not real, you just lied
Disturbed by anger
My hopes collide
And my rhymes die

I'm giving up on this
It's unbearable
My love is too strong
Imagination cruel

Sea between us
And five countries
No touch or reality
Just fading images

Cruel pain killing me
I want to end this now
Shout out my lungs
But I don't know how

Plane flights
Are black holes
Gates to
Another universe

Don’t stop me on the street
Two years after she’s gone
My goddess who birthed me
I don’t need your sympathy
Your questions don’t help me
When she’s just ashes in a ***
Her death isn’t your place
To prove your fake niceness
And pretend that you care when you don’t

Dreamcatcher, dreamcatcher
Why did I dream that I die tonight
I’m not sure I wanna fall asleep this time

Monster, monster
Under the bed is just a tale
Made out of fear and confusion

But when the night comes
Dark thoughts and spirits appear
Conquering my world around me
Creepin’ out on me
Out of the blue
Burnin’ the good inside of me
Leavin’ nothing but ashes

Who am I
What am I doing
Can’t find myself
Lost in the wood of my own despair
I’m just a soul, wandering around

No one could recreate the beat 
You make my heart drum

3 o’clock and I still can’t sleep
Only thing I wish for is dreaming deep
But my brain can’t stop its constantly ticking
I’m not even in love with you, still you make me think

You only told me the sad story of your life
Then wanted to cut your wrist with your key, not even a knife!
I thought I could be your friend and help
But we lost each other and now it’s only my image of you that is my friend

Or more than that, I don’t even know, oh dear
I honestly have no idea what I feel
Even though I always analyse myself, maybe too much
Still I don’t get why I miss your touch

The way you looked at me and knew
That I care about it and I will understand you
But then you said the opposite, now I can’t follow you  
You almost called me a ***** and said it’s my fault
Being out in high heels in the dark and cold

That was stupid, you were right, but see
I’m fed up with blaming myself for everything
I tried to be there for you when you had nobody
You didn’t give a crap about me when I was drunk and lonely

We’re not talking anymore, I won’t even write to you
I hoped it would help if I don’t see you
But it just got worse, you are always there
I couldn’t make you go, you would not move nowhere

Tree front of me too high
Reaching to the sky
Give me a ladder to climb
Can't do it, this road’s not mine

Your expectations and me, they're never gonna meet
I don't have a strong enough feet
To stand on this surface
I am no longer at your service

Just to adjust to your creation
Won't give up my imagination
Take a picture of me in your mind
I'm gonna disappear now, so never mind

I'll leave a note saying
Bury me while crying
For the sins you committed
I am no more committed

This uptight masquarade
will cause my own escape
Shade is my vision
There is no conclusion

How did you think it's gonna end?
You said you want to be my friend
I have no more to say I guess…
Go **** yourself in the ***

Faith, please help me to believe
That I have good reason to live
That nothing is coincidence
Give me enough confidence

Truth, I pray to you with tears
Be my goddess, sweet release
Guide me through the waves of life
Don’t let me give up hope in life

Lipstick whisper
Fake lash twinkle
Silicon Valley
In your body

You call me ugly girl without the chemicals
On my face, on my nails and in my hair
Growing it out
Everywhere

Pluck it out, don’t scream loud
And  take the pain as beauty’s price
Spend your money and time
And dye and dye
Until you die

He doesn’t notice
How high the heels
He doesn’t care
How it feels

Norms, norms
Abnormal norms
Inhumane morphs
In animal forms

I was raised by bullies 
Beaten, abused 
You were not by my side 
Left me confused 

It’s only you
Who’s responsible 
Threw me to the wolves 
Where escape is impossible 

I beat myself 
When you’re not there to do it 
So used to hurting 
I almost love it 

‘I wish you weren’t my son’
You admitted to me 
Now I’m all ****** up 
From red anger I can’t see

I could put a bullet 
In me now
I could hand a rope 
To end it and die 

I could jump off a bridge 
Stop living this lie 
I could take the pills 
Without saying goodbye 

I can’t stop bleeding 
Will it stop me before my time
I can’t win this clichèd fight 
Are my own thoughts even mine

I can’t slow the sinking 
Will water fill my lungs or wine
I can’t refuse poison, it it the end of the tunnel 
This light and shine

I close you off because it scares me to think 
That in my life you are the only good thing 
Monotonous chores and responsibilities 
I’m living my true life in my own fantasies 

I’m looking for flaws to battle your perfection
I argue to win and avoid the confession 
That I feel nothing without you, you’re my reflection 
But I fear to admit you’re a much better version

I envy your patience and love that is selfless
I’m jealous of you for being so fearless
You have your purpose and fight for it bravely
I feel so little when you’re trying to praise me

Undeserving of you and your glory
Failing to catch up and show that I’m worthy 
All things you do I hold them holy 
Under your light I will always feel lonely

In my own hometown I feel lost
I ain’t no human, just a ghost
Years and years spent miles away
For some change I always pray

Don’t say goodbye
I’m not ready
I’m going crazy
Distance will **** me

Stranger to the place
I was born

We met in the haziness 
Hid in its green clouds 
Long breaths of laziness 
Without no care or doubts 

I’m drunk by your liquor eyes
High by your pleasure 
Addicted to your taste
You give me that seizure 

If I’m clean
Free by your dark dirt 
I’m bored when I’m sober 
Without your stains on my T-shirt

You are the danger
I don’t want to avoid 
If it kills me let it be 
Nothing would fill the void

How did I fall for you 
I don’t know 
Your starry eyes captured me
And made me go 
Crazy

invisible umbilical chord
ties me to you
feeds me love
even in your death

i inherited your fight    
to make sense of the nonsense
you live in my rebellion
against the world

i’m bleeding out screams through
words on the paper
if I don’t make sense that’s because
death doesn’t either.

Being high
Gives me
A completely different perspective
Of self-observation

Far away from home
Sometimes I feel so alone
But don’t get me wrong
I know, I know the same Sun is shining above
On my head, oh my head
Is spinning around with my thoughts
Going around in circles
Playing around with my soul

When I’m lonely
Music is my remedy
Red and white and green
Oh you don’t know what I mean
When I say March 15 or August 20
Or flag with a hole in it
And Trianon’s ****** up treaty
But that’s just the past

When you talk it’s total non-sense
But I feel you when you’re playing
Different words
But total same thoughts
Brain’s not working
Only the heart

Don’t say a word
Just smile at me
I will know it immediately
Sight of the sea and fjords around me
Do I belong here?
Something tells me
It is my world now

Is she satisfied
By your way of selfish love 
Does she act like those
Women in **** you can rise above 

It’s all what he likes 
It’s all when he comes
It’s all him choking her 
It’s all him the hunter
When do you even see her liking it
When do you ever hear her finishing first 

Do you make her scream 
While your **** is raining 
Do you make her feel
Like she’s not pray but a queen

Reddening skin 
Painful blisters
Bad disease 
From your mistress

I can’t breathe
On these choking
White streets of
The United
States
of
R
a
c
i
s
m

You say that you’re proud 
That I’m by your side 
You shout it out loud 
While your chest being wide

Am I your crown
Making you feel like a king
Or just a bangle 
Adoring you but meaningless

Am I the light 
Of the candle that illuminates you 
Or just the wax 
The leftover after the fire burns out 

I question myself 
I have all these doubts 
They sit on the shelf 
Covered by clouds 

I think what would be 
If it was not me 
Would you be still happy
If I was nobody

Just
Little you
And little me
Would fill up all the big space
In the world

All I was taught is
Fear and suspicion

I’m sitting here watching the landscape for the last time
Feeling like farewell is forever
Even though I know deep in my heart it’s not true
I just don’t know when I’m gonna see your faces again

I see this picture
Breeze blowing the windmill
It’s in my heart, it’s in my pocket
I can’t forget it, but I don’t wanna lose it

I’m home and I call it home
But I don’t feel like that anymore
‘cause everything’s the same but me
I’ve changed so much, maybe too much
I thought I found myself, but now I’m lost again

Where is that piece of me
I left it a thousand miles away
Back to the old school
Says the world
But I don’t want the old me
The apple of the Garden of the Wonder poisoned me
It chained my heart to the freedom of life

I’m starting again
Like a newborn
A new life
Stumblin’
Lookin’ for a place to be loved
Just the way I am

Seeing myself
Through my lover’s eyes: forgiveness.
Through my own eyes: hatred.
Everyone else: only a mask?
Tortured self depiction.
False mirrors.
Where lies the truth?
Raindrops. Hair. Molecules.

it’s only the flower fallen off
that makes sense
not the tasks of work
that lead nowhere

it’s only the eyes resting
on each other calmly
that makes sense
not the rush of a boring day
that act like important

it’s only the expression
by creating myself with art
that makes sense
not the forced knowledge
i can’t use
that’s told it is needed

it’s only the memory
of mom
appearing as real as her love was
that makes sense
not the fake sorries and words
that are said
when they don’t know better

My ******
A black hole
******* in
My body
Each month
Nonsense
Painful agony
Undeserved and pointless
Mental and physical
Punishment for women

Bill strangles their neck  
Barcodes are their language
Dollar signs in their pupils
Chasing the digital and physical
Money like it’s their long lost love

Blood was the last thing that came out of Your mouth instead of words
I shivered at the feet of my father, hoping that it’s no true, but it was too late.
I wasn’t conscious, I flew out of my body and saw myself from above, it wasn’t even me.
Only a panicking cramp and chaos in disbelief, faint fragment, unconscious and half dead.
You were my Goddess, Your death my biggest fear.
Thank You for my life.
I love You.

I’m only myself
When I’m depressed
Evaporating
Into nothingness

Out of this world
Just a cloud looking down
Exasperated
Lost in my own town

Tell me about the flower you saw on the side of the road 
Ask me about my day even when you know that I’m bored
Promise me you’ll take me to Prague to walk on the cobbled street 
Scold me when I abandon myself and forget to turn on the heat 

Sing me a folk song in Hungarian
Let’s see fjords of Denmark and hike in Britain 
Turn me into the rainbow with spices of Holi
Whirl in the colors and dance while you hold me 

Talk to me when you’re down and call me when happy 
Share the secrets of your heart and just trust me 
Get angry and argue, shout when frustrated 
But don’t ever give up on me, don’t make me outdated 

I’ll travel the globe if that’s what it takes
Find you in deep mountains and crystal clear lakes 
Crossing all continents, confused by time zones 
Flying on airplanes to jump through these black holes

In my nightmare you had cancer
Which turned your face wooden
I felt your features but not your skin
I’ve been imprisoned and tortured
By those who birthed you
Who share your blood yet not your feelings
They made you to talk to her
Why else would you feel  
There was still a spark and raw desire
Towards the one who cheated and lied
Made you swallow the pill of pain…
Killer is her name, your forgotten secret
Whom you deny with your other self

Nocturnal animals
Live next to us
Ignoring our sleep
And well-being
Blue uniforms
Knock on door
Come night
Time for winding down
But my brain is alert
Afraid to fall asleep

I often wonder what life really is
Maybe even too often

the room is upside down and with it im going down too
like being high but instead of happiness depression comes like a dementor
im scratchin my face but I cant scream only crawl in my skin that feels like its not mine
I want to end my life
with a knife
to get rid of this horror that my life has become

loneliness eats me up and i cant go out because they are looking, they are everywhere,
but noone is my friend, only ghost faces and stares who think they know what they see
while im the ghastliest ghost of all whose flesh is just a carrier now
my face is just a ****** up drawing of a 5 year old
i dont want anyone to see because they cant even guess
why the wrinkles are there, it’s the screaming
why the fear is shaking, the agony

i want to smash and shout but im still afraid of being heard while not being heard at all
i don’t know how to tell you either because this monster is now me
it doesn’t talk to me anymore like schizophrenia
it is my whole reality now and there is no distinguishing
threw my phone in the corner and broke its screen
a friendly reminder of the absent of what occupied me

powercut in reality becomes the powercut in my brain
cuts out the tales that occupy my brain
music is weird shouting
fhe fan is whirling with me in this unreal reality
i don’t want to make sense anymore because no one does

with every death i feel less
my cheeks burn from my clawing
shaken by feverish fear
i wanna throw up
it is in my gut
its my cancer
the tumor of the nonsense
pain is my muse but i would rather be “normal”
where are the traffic signs
i don’t have a gps…

I hate myself
But I love being alone 
I’m scared of the real me 
But like the silence of my home 

I feel lonely without you
But I need my own space and time 
I crave you when happy 
But I push you away when I’m down 

I don’t have a choice 
But to live with this weird me 
But you could leave, and
It would be so easy

Mesmerized by the wisdom lines
Of the prince whose name is Patience
On his face they draw a map
Leading to his secrets

Depth and endless calm sea
Are his eyes without him knowing
Lakes within the mountains of his lips
Rivers are his curls, tangled and untamed

Storms do thundercloud it
Wild beauty of nature, anger and madness
Sun’s rays turn it gold from brown
My ultimate adventure