I don’t believe in the future. I’ve spent almost all my life knowing that I’ll never make it there. That one day I’ll finally get the courage to end the time line. I know that no one will miss me anyway. I see all these people who tolerate my existence. After a week they’ll forget I ever existed. I see me parents. Their tense marriage. I’m the reason that tension is there. I ruined their lives with my presence. They would take a month then realize how much money their saving and maybe even fall back in love. They’ll be fine. My old class mates would perhaps like and comment on a face book post about how tragic my inevitable fate was but, that would be all. I know that the world will keep turning without me yet I’ve never pictured the world turning with me still here. I still can’t see a future past this year. I’ve never considered it a possibility. I don’t know what I’m doing because I never thought I’d make it this far. I fear the future that I never planned for more than the oblivion I’ve been avoiding. Maybe tomorrow I’ll finally be courageous enough to end it. If not. Maybe the next day or a month from now because I don’t believe in the future or rather I don’t believe in my future.

To the man who broke me,
People kept telling me I let you do it. That I shouldn't have let you hold me close when I knew you were so clumsy. I wanted to scream in opposition. I wanted desperately for them to see from my perspective. I wished upon a thousand stars for someone anyone to just listen and tell me it was not my fault. Days went by, then weeks, months, a year, two years. I was drowning in their words, thick as molasses. Frantically clawing at the truth trying to keep my grasp on reality. My inner demons with jagged, crooked smiles ripped me from my goal. I was swept away plummeting to the bottom of a sea of lies. You can find me there trying to swim to the surface only to find a cement bag tied to my leg impeding any progress. With each attempt I fall tired and more submissive to the blame that surrounds me. Until I found it easier to lay down and let their words become my reality. My life became an ocean of blame all laid neatly upon my shoulders. So now when I apologize for everything just know its years of conditioning and now that I've finally found people who assure me that it was not my fault know that I'm trying to believe it isn't but the voices in my head won't stop screaming that it is.

Sometimes all you need is some sunshine, fresh air, and a message from someone 950 miles away.

Please just don't leave
.
.
.
Everyone else has come and gone
.
.
.
And I don't know if I can lose someone else.

I shared with you my favorite things.
Not tangable stuff like diamond rings
But things that showed you who I am
Cause you were harmless as a lamb

I shared with you my favorite movie
It became yours too as if to prove we
Were meant to be together all along
Especially when we sang that song
I could tell our love was strong

I shared with you my favorite book
We read together in our little nook
Our secret part of the library
And though at first you were wary
I knew it was you I’d want to marry

I shared with you my deepest fears
how loneliness had stung with tears
and you just held me in your arms
Threatening death to whoever harms
Me. While I fell for all your charms

I shared with you all of my heart
Knowing for sure you are the best part
Of everything that came in life
That with you I could forget my strife
And become your humble, loving wife.

You took from my my favorite things
I wish it had only been the rings
I haven’t watched that movie since
And when I read I always wince
Cause on my heart you left some prints
And that was my love you decided to mince

yes it seems you left some scars
Yet I’m not mad the blame was ours
To share because I made a mistake
And the worst decision I have yet to make
Is never saying sorry and just leaving you to ache.

Lights flicker lamentfully leaning left. The metallic groan of the ship echoes through its chasms. It travels swiftly growing soft as it ventures further into the depths. The crash of waves ceaselessly chanting like an old drinking song. Cargo shifts suddenly straining against its restraint. The dank and damp deck is desolately decorated. In the dim light shadows torture the imagination with visions of fantastic nightmares and beautiful beasts. A violent stop sends you reeling backwards. You’re stomach fills with lead as you reluctantly climb to your feet. The door cracks open to reveal hollow eyes. As the door widens you are greeted by a devilish grin belonging to a devilishly handsome fellow. He exstends his hand but not in offering. No, this was a sinister demand. With shaking hands you sacrifice two golden coins to his strong hand. He grins and holds the door open for you with grandeur. Your breath catches in your thoat. Fear strangles you silently spreading though your body. Paralysis plagues you presently playing with your mind. But this is no time for fear. This is time for peace. So with closed eyes and baited breath you pass through the door and into eternity.

I love you. You are beautiful and the most adventurous person I know. You make my life exciting and I’m glad I got to know you. I can’t wait for our next adventure or at least to scream out school song at each other again. Our friendship is alpha friendship!
Sincerely,
Your very messy other half <3

I think I like you. I see you walk down the hall everyday but you never look my way. You walk with confidence aglow around you. Your aura can control a room because everyone whole heartedly respects you. I think you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in a long long time. A flash of pinks glows on your cheeks. You look down and deny. I see a pang if hurt behind your eyes. I can tell you’re broken. Or at least you think you are. I’m broken too. Maybe we can pick up the peices together. Maybe next time I insist that you’re beautiful you’ll believe me. Until then I’ll be here. Waiting for you to let me help you.

I loved a girl with the moon and the stars that shone in her eyes. She could smile her way into my heart. Her kindness took me by surprise. I didn’t know where to start. So we started with lies. I drove us apart. I didn’t think she’d see through my disguise. she broke my heart. But I can’t stop loving her eyes.

Sitting idly
Silently
Watching
Or just existing

Promises you made to me
You said that you would stay
You said we’d stay together until we could both run away
Here I am feeling betrayed
Cause when you had the chance
You flew away from the promises you made

Poetry
From the love to the hate
The words can elate
My aching heart
And from the start
I’ve fallen in love
With words like a dove
Because when words relate
Even if you think it’s too late
It’s can show you’re not alone
Even if you are at home
And words suspended in time
All laced with rhyme
Hug me tight
Show me it’s alright
And that there’s a light
Called poetry

My day ******.  Walk down the street and flash smiles at familiar faces.  Deep down though you feel that its nothing.  People walking past, keeping up their appearance, never letting down their guard or letting people know their true self.  No one walks past really caring how your day went, what you are going through, or what is motivating you to keep going.  They walk past flash their fake smiles and keep on with their day because just like your day, their day ****** too.  It seems like we are on a hamster wheel never-ending, continuous, and just draining.  Each day we get on and wear ourselves out, for what?  Searching for answers, seeking purpose, guarding our emotions, and hiding our true selves.  Why can't we just open up?  Why not just let loose and just say whatever, who cares, eff it, because in the end does it really matter?  Do the small talk and the fake smiles really make a difference for other people in our lives? Or are we putting on appearances that are unnecessary and relentless and simply just exhausting? We must make other people's days while our days ****, day in and day out.  We don't need a world full of Oscar the Grouches, but why can't we just try to be real and find true human connection.  The more we seek this, the less happy we all become, so why not just stop acting and start being real, so you can help other people realize that their is possibly a light at the end of their tunnel, just like their could be for you.  Who knows, your sucky day could just be the start of something great, or not...but you won't know until you push through and make it your journey, your adventure, your week, your day, or even just your little moment.  So when you think your life *****, know that issa mood. -ZZ

I watch my breath dance through the air.
It swirls and glides beautifully until it dissipates in the wind. I take in a deep breath letting the icy air fill my stale lungs. I instantly regret it as they reject the cold in the wonderful way my lungs do. I find myself gasping for air in between the coughs. This time it knocks me to my knees. I note how striking crimson is in the snow. Slowly I drag myself to my feet. How many was that today? Five? Six? I’ve lost track ever since I’ve gotten sick there doesn’t even need to be a trigger for an attack to happen and they’ve been growing more violent by the day. I can’t say I’m not scared. In fact I’m terrified because no one knows exactly why I’m getting worse. But even that would be more bearable if I wasn’t doing it alone.

I think that possibly maybe perhaps this could work. Cause I’m not saying I’m falling for you but your excitement for life is beautiful and contagious and I can’t help but crack a smile when my phone pings. It’s not anything yet but maybe it has potential to grow.

Night time hurts.
Not because I am alone.
I am always alone in a sense.
No. Because at night I remember.
I remember all the time I wasted being depressed and anxious.
I remember all the bruises I’ve had to hide.
I remember how unloved I truly am.
But most of all I remember that I am broken.
And the harsh awareness of how broken you feel is the most painful thing of all.

I
Hate that I am sad all the time.
You
Should not have to put up with me.
I
Will just cut myself off from the world
You
Should just forget about me
I
Hate myself
You
Don’t even notice the pain anymore
I
Am close to the edge
You
Wouldn’t even notice if I was gone
I
Will miss
You

I love the thought of being with him.
On paper he’s perfect.He sticks in my thoughts from time to time. I imagine romantic outings and humble cuddles. He’s shy and his smile brightens up my day. I find myself hoping it’s him when ever my phone rings. But I can’t help but feel that maybe I don’t like him but rather the thought of not being so alone. When your whole friend group is in love you become oddly aware of how alone you are.

Life is beautiful. There is so much joy, elation, love, friendship, compassion, and inspiration that comes with the creation of life. Tiny tots so fresh so young love everything and the world throws open its gates to welcome such purity and bright white joy. Little kids transform the world around them into a paradise of wonderful colors. Painting their imagination across the sky. They are whatever they want to be. A rock star, a super hero, a dinosaur hunter, a princess, a knight you name it and I garentie some child already has. Teenagers see the world around them once the colors of child hood have faded. They try to paint them again but only result in jealousy, self doubt, fear, pain, and uncertainty because life certainly hasn’t been like this before. They also are told they can be anything they want to be doctors, lawyers, dropouts, criminals, husbands, and wives they watch as the color fades from view and relise that death is also beautiful.

•The feeling of utter isolation from the world even when surrounded by “friends and family”.
•The belief that not a single soul would miss you if you were dead.
• Being eradicated from social gathering because of one stupid rumor.
•Not even wanting to socialize with the two people who might care a little.

-Synonyms: Me

As I watch you walk away I feel my heart break into as many pieces as there are stars in the sky. I feel the color drain from my face draining from my soul. Color fades from my world. I embrace the monochromatic prison of my life. Only to long for a glimpse of color. I find it in drops of crimson as I write my pain across my skin. I like how the blade dances glinting as it glides across it’s canvas. I’ve written a novel of sorrow each chapter longer than the last. I write of my sorrows not only from you but the pain that you helped me carry now weighing me down like a shackle. I write as an escape from my prison of black and white. I smile as I pick up my pen to write the final chapter of my master piece. I cry because I can’t find the right words to end with. So I sit staring at my empty cage yearning for escape clutching the key but fearing the freedom.

The night fades and light sneaks into the sky. Slowly creeping, sneaking into the cracks of the world. Waking it with  its warmth. Bright hands reaching out to greet the earth in a brand new day. Softly shaking the world awake. Greeted by blinking eyes and yawning mouths. Slowly the day fully emerges cradling everything with open hands.

Hello old friend
How I missed you in my absence
In the darkest time you were always there your matalic smile glinting in the dim light
I missed the slick way you dance across my skin
Gracefully gliding leaving a ribbon of beautiful crimson across your pale stage
I know your destructive nature but how I love to dance with death
Sinking into the void only to awake the next day with a little less will and a lifetime of pain
How I yearn to be held in his strong arms and dance slowly into oblivion because who would miss the girl with the pale blue eyes. Ask, dear friend and find no one ever cared to look past her glasses. If I never woke up again not a soul would miss me they would simply miss the smile I masked my pain with. They would miss my bubbly personality that has been adopted after years of acting like everything was fine. Plus if I die my writing will be here forever an eternal piece of my soul representing the realest part of me
My pain
So old friend the question stands
Shall we rekindle our fire? Or should I sleep and just feel a different kind of pain?

Night time falls revealing the grandeur of a vast kingdom. As the sun slinks silently and sullenly to sleep a new world burst to life. The stars dance across the sky, one by one gracefully twinkling to life with the music of the night. The wind sprints across the plain playfully chasing the amber waves. They laugh and play transforming the peaceful pasture into a lively landscape. As the world goes to bed imagination emerges and immerses the world into a dream. Clouds float peacefully meandering across the sky listening to the sweet melodies of a nocturnal sinfonietta. Crickets and owls harmonize happily under the moons silver rays. The world is at peace tonight. Finally I am at peace with it.

I'm Sorry.
This simple phrase
has been burnt into my head
after years of believing everything
bad that happened was my fault. Simply
because you blamed me for every little thing.
Here they never let me blame myself for the
little things. Even though I apologize for
almost everything. Slowly with time
I have started to repeat another
simple little phrase
Thank you.

As I lay here questioning anything and everything I long for your embrace. Because if I fall to pieces tonight no one will be here to put me back together again. When you held me in your arms you unconsciously held me together. As I sleep I’m afraid that a peice of me might slip away. Leaving me wide awake stareing at the ceiling like the void. I know that if I close my eyes and let go into that blissful fog of sleep. That I might just let go entirely and plummet into the etirnal darkness of oblivion. Oh how peaceful that sounds.

I think I’ve forgotten how to fall asleep not sobbing into a pillow. Thinking of all the things I’ve done wrong. I haven’t done anything wrong I am just destined for pain. Sometimes I believe that I have a purpose in life and that’s why I’m still here. I’m beginning to believe that my purpose in life is to be used and thrown aside. My life is not meant to change the world but to be punching bag for the world. Who could love someone like me? No one. That’s my purpose in life to show others they deserve better. I’m a reference point to there happy ever after. And maybe I’m here to die a victum of society to teach others not to be terrible people. Maybe if I just jump I’ll be a martyr for humanity.

Burn them all
Burn all of the words that suggest that everything is not okay
Burn them all
451 degrees is all you need to erase the pain
Words unspoken can’t be true
I take them back
All of them
Burn them all
Everything is fine
Nothing bad has ever happened to me
No one has every hurt me
I am perfectly happy
Burn them all
Conform to the hub of society
Be happy
Be whole
Befriend those who conform
Shun those who don’t
Take all of those words that define you
And burn them all
Then sit in the flames and burn too.

Seven days until I am hurtled back into hell crashing like a meteor and shattering on impact. I thought I was broken here but back there I’m going to be pulverized and unable to show any weakness. I just can’t wait to smile and converse with the man who said he loved me as he shoved me into the pavement. Or perhaps the one who was waiting for me in my drive way the day after we broke up. Or even worse …her. I don’t know if I can look into her beautiful eyes that used to love me and see the pain that I caused her. I just want to climb out of a window onto the roof and jump into the void.

Sleep. Elusive sleep. It slithers around my throat tightening its grip. Forcing my eyes to sag. It drags me under as I desperately cling to consciousness. I claw at the edge of the void trying desperately yet fruitlessly because I am ripped from my realty and into the unknown. No. Not the unknown but rather the hideous crevices of my mind. I am slammed up against the wall chackled to my Id. I can hear the heavy, dragging footsteps of my repressed memories. My captors are my past. They are the pain I felt. They loom over me and suddenly I feel as if my reality is shattered and I’m back with him. I scream as I feel the bruises materialize to their old homes. I cry out as my skin splits itself open again old faded scars reinvigorated with the flow of blood across my skin. I curl into a ball questioning if the sweet release of morning wil ever come... Then I feel your hands. It makes me sick. those tools of torture that stripped me of my sanity and self worth. Those big grimy ******* hands that tore away parts of me piece by piece until all I was was afraid. Even now he’s controlling my future a puppet master of malicious intent. I want to cry. I want to scream. But mostly I just want to me okay again. I curl up into a ball and pray for morning. And when it comes I claw my way into reality. I wake up afraid and dead inside. I wake up having lost all the progress I have so tediously made. Sleep. My advisory in mental health heals my fatigue. Like some sick paradox. Sleep, oh how I hate you!! I guess I’ll see you tonight.

I used to love the snow more than anything.
I used to feel the glow of exultation whenever I saw those fluffy flakes.
            I still like snow, but it will never be the same.
It takes me back to the day I fell in love with my beast.
You picked me up in that ***** old pickup of yours.
I can still smell the dust and grease from years of traveling gravel roads.
             Thinking of it feels like suffocating.
It was cold but sunny and the sky was a vibrant blue.
Almost as blue as your eyes.
You smiled at me from the drivers seat.
I smiled back.
This was my first date ever and I was so excited to be sharing it with the guy of my dreams.
            When did you change?
We had the best time sliding.
            I still haven't gone sliding since.
You gave me your gloves and when I said I was fine you just pointed out that I speak quietly when I'm lying.
            You knew me better than anyone.
            You used to care so much.
We went inside and had hot chocolate with extra marshmallows because you always were obsessed with the little things.
            I didn't know how it would drive me crazy later.
The perfect date ended with cuddling next the fireplace. You told me you wanted to stay there forever.
            I should have known that a forever next to a fire always
            leads to burns.
I fell in love with the boy with messy hair. Who used to walk me to my car. The boy who was terrified when I started getting more and more sick. The boy who held me as I violently shook just trying to breathe. The boy who I spent everyday with. The boy who gave me the next book in my favorite series for Christmas filled to the brim with quotes about love. The boy who would slow dance with me in his room listening to his record collection.
           When you left me you had changed. You stopped singing with me in the car. There were no good morning texts. No hello sunshine greetings. You stopped turning in your homework. You stopped debating me on all of our stupid little topics. You stopped talking to me in general. You had lost your passion for life. Did I do that? Did I do something wrong? Did I create the monster that currently haunts me dreams. The guy who didn't talk unless it was to fight. The guy who broke my car door by slamming it too hard. The guy who ignored me for a full month. The guy who refused to go to Prom with me. The guy who talked constantly with another girl. The guy who left me for her.
I think of all this when it snows.
I think of all of the things I could have done differently.
I think of how deep down inside myself I know I still love you.

Words drift slowly falling like snowflakes in my mind. Covering my midscape with fluffy flakes of diction. Words of hate and love spasticly fluttering to the ground. Snow is beautiful, white, and pristine. Some words are too but, others are heavy, dark, and cruel. Those are like blizzards plummeting in mass amounts sending my mind into a snow globe of chaos. The thing I struggle with remembering is that snow globes settle. So maybe if I can just get through this week where constant paranoia is coming down like hail. Things will be better. Or at least I hope.

I wish I had met you before.
Before I was broken
Before the world convinced you life was war
Before we both wanted to die.
I wish I could have spared you from your pain.
I wish I could have covered your scars of hate and convinced you that you mattered
That someone out there cared enough to stop everything and run to you whenever you called out.
Someone who was simply wherever you needed them to be.
I wish I had met you before that fateful day
I wish you hadn’t felt so alone
I wish that I hadn’t felt so alone
Because we were alone at the exact same time just 800 miles apart.
I wish we could have been there for each other or at lest we could felt alone together.
I wish that we had met before but I wonder if you like me before I became…me.
You my friend are a white knight trying to save everyone but yourself. I used to be like that until I was too late to many times. I started to believe that everyone I was protecting was suffering because of me.
I used to be so bright eyed about the world. I loved socializing and was so excited for life. Would we have ever even spoke? Would you still like me back then or is the reason we get along so well because we both shattered beyond repair and in trying to sweep up the pieces we accidentally swept up some of each other. Maybe we can heal this way. Maybe we can start figuring out the puzzles of our old selves. Swapping out pieces with each other. Collecting some from others along the way. But this time we won’t be alone or at least we can be alone together.

The prairie lies still for the first time I’ve ever seen. The wheat stands tall stoically soaking up the golden rays. No clouds are seen today. Then the wind so beautiful so kind and gentle apears. I see her across the quilt of amber and gold. She starts to dance gracefully sweeping her way closer. As she leaps the quilt quivers under her feet bowing down to the prima ballerina that transforms the motionless quilt into a sea of amber and light. The wind dances gracefully across her stage of golden waves. As she leaps I catch a glimpse of her eyes. So gentle and beautiful yet deep down inside such fury that burns in her sole with one graceful grand jeté rocks crumble from the sides of mountains. With one pirouette a vortex of mass destruction. With one duet wind and water leave ruble in their wake. I see the raw unforgiving power behind her eyes yet I love the wind as she tenderly caresses my face. I can’t help but to dance with her.

Honestly I miss you
I wish I didn’t
I wish I could hate you
But you were so perfect for me
I’m not even sure what went wrong
Were you afraid?
Afraid of losing me
Because my lungs did heal
I’m no longer critical
Were you guilty?
Haunted by mistakes I had already forgiven
Because you hurt me but I still loved you
You said I deserved someone better
That’s sweet hon but I didn’t want someone better
I wanted you to stop distancing yourself from me
I wanted you period
I loved you
And you told me you loved me
Or was that a lie too?

Isn’t it amazing how a crowded room can make you feel so alone.

Hello again beautiful.
How have you been?
It’s been awhile.
I’ve missed your beautiful serenity
Your eyes like the void I could get lost in.
You would like that wouldn’t you?
To spend and eternity with me?
Hold me forever in your warm arms.
You tell me this as you beckon me to that ledge love.
It’s been awhile my lovely Death.
So in your absence I’ve started to fall in love with Life.
And yes with all relationships there are fights and arguments and days you want to just give up
,but as I started to walk out in life
I was grabbed by a shaking hand who didn’t want to lose their friend.
I thought for a second of how crush i would be if I lost him.
So I turned around and decided that life could be just as beautiful as death.

To the person who only likes me when its convenient. I want to hate you. I want to push you out of my life and scream about how used I feel sometimes. I am a servent ready to please you at a tip of the hat. You ring a bell and I come scampering to you like an animal. When I call. I just keep calling until my voice goes horse. Then you come home drunk and finally want me. I wish I could walk away but there’s something constantly tugging at me every time I try. The constant fear of being alone. Of losing an opportunity to finally feel loved and wanted. So I stay. At your convience of course. When we’re together you give me bliss and soothe my aching heart but when we aren’t we are strangers because who would want to be associated with me? I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to be either.

Some say that time marches on
a steady tempo droning forever
but I like to think that notions wrong
time dances with ebbs and flows
twirling gracefully to each dawn
and sometimes time falls
crashing down on you like concrete walls.
slowly... time stands
timidly and bruised
one foot then two
a little dazed and confused
but Time always dances on again
lightly swaying but mused
Time dances to its own pace
their metronome abused