When you're more sick than you let on people don't expect you to crumple into a ball, choking on nothing, gasping for the precious air we take for granted. Sometimes death just likes to stare at me from across the room. Forcing the air out of my lungs causing every breath to feel like glue.  I've gotten very acquainted with death. The thought of death has become my home when my real home killed me inside. Things have changed though my dearest, Death. I have made a home within these new walls. I am at home with these new people that care about me more then "life long friends" ever did. When I started coughing I heard how scared you sounded. It finally hit me how much you cared. I made a silent vow to get better because for the first time in forever I had someone who would miss me when I was gone. I suddenly had a whole crowd of concerned friends who only wanted me to heal. I look at these people I live with and realize that no matter how lonely I feel I will never have to suffer alone. I might come from a broken home but I finally found a place where I belong.

I wish I had met you before.
Before I was broken
Before the world convinced you life was war
Before we both wanted to die.
I wish I could have spared you from your pain.
I wish I could have covered your scars of hate and convinced you that you mattered
That someone out there cared enough to stop everything and run to you whenever you called out.
Someone who was simply wherever you needed them to be.
I wish I had met you before that fateful day
I wish you hadn’t felt so alone
I wish that I hadn’t felt so alone
Because we were alone at the exact same time just 800 miles apart.
I wish we could have been there for each other or at lest we could felt alone together.
I wish that we had met before but I wonder if you like me before I became…me.
You my friend are a white knight trying to save everyone but yourself. I used to be like that until I was too late to many times. I started to believe that everyone I was protecting was suffering because of me.
I used to be so bright eyed about the world. I loved socializing and was so excited for life. Would we have ever even spoke? Would you still like me back then or is the reason we get along so well because we both shattered beyond repair and in trying to sweep up the pieces we accidentally swept up some of each other. Maybe we can heal this way. Maybe we can start figuring out the puzzles of our old selves. Swapping out pieces with each other. Collecting some from others along the way. But this time we won’t be alone or at least we can be alone together.

Seven days until I am hurtled back into hell crashing like a meteor and shattering on impact. I thought I was broken here but back there I’m going to be pulverized and unable to show any weakness. I just can’t wait to smile and converse with the man who said he loved me as he shoved me into the pavement. Or perhaps the one who was waiting for me in my drive way the day after we broke up. Or even worse …her. I don’t know if I can look into her beautiful eyes that used to love me and see the pain that I caused her. I just want to climb out of a window onto the roof and jump into the void.

A long long time ago I asked you what your favorite color was. You paused and said yellow. Up until then yellow was just a color but now. Now it’s everywhere. And every time I see yellow I smile because I think of you. You just radiate beautifully hopefull innocent optimistic yellow. And whenever I feel like the world is caving in and the minutia of it all has dragged me to the end of my strength. I see a dandelion, or a honey bee, or even a bottle of lemonade and it’s like we’re back in sophomore year sitting on your bedroom floor looking up cheesy pickup lines and playing killer bunnies. Even though you’re 900 miles away blessing a new territory with your grace. You know I’ll always love you to the giant black hole in the center of the universe and, though it is physically impossible, back. I’ll see you in Mormon heaven because I know you’re gonna baptize my name once I’m dead XD.

I’m feeling lonely I should text a friend
-No. You will just bother them-
But I like getting texts from my friends maybe they like getting texts from me
-Are you kidding that would imply that they actually think of you as a friend-
But they said I was their friend
-You ignorant **** they’re just making fun of the fat girl. You don’t even deserve friends-
Everyone deserves to have friends and be happy
-Yes everyone does deserve to be happy. Too bad you’re just a grotesquely obese pig-
I’m not really that fat am I?
-You look like a pig stuffed in an ice cream cone. You’re actually disgusting and should die alone-
Maybe you’re right.
-Of course I’m right. I’m you. Would I ever lie to you-
I think I should know if you did
-Exactly. So we’re agreed then you may never text your friends because they don’t deserve to have their time wasted due to a useless nobody like us-
Yes we’re agreed

I used to love the snow more than anything.
I used to feel the glow of exultation whenever I saw those fluffy flakes.
            I still like snow, but it will never be the same.
It takes me back to the day I fell in love with my beast.
You picked me up in that ***** old pickup of yours.
I can still smell the dust and grease from years of traveling gravel roads.
             Thinking of it feels like suffocating.
It was cold but sunny and the sky was a vibrant blue.
Almost as blue as your eyes.
You smiled at me from the drivers seat.
I smiled back.
This was my first date ever and I was so excited to be sharing it with the guy of my dreams.
            When did you change?
We had the best time sliding.
            I still haven't gone sliding since.
You gave me your gloves and when I said I was fine you just pointed out that I speak quietly when I'm lying.
            You knew me better than anyone.
            You used to care so much.
We went inside and had hot chocolate with extra marshmallows because you always were obsessed with the little things.
            I didn't know how it would drive me crazy later.
The perfect date ended with cuddling next the fireplace. You told me you wanted to stay there forever.
            I should have known that a forever next to a fire always
            leads to burns.
I fell in love with the boy with messy hair. Who used to walk me to my car. The boy who was terrified when I started getting more and more sick. The boy who held me as I violently shook just trying to breathe. The boy who I spent everyday with. The boy who gave me the next book in my favorite series for Christmas filled to the brim with quotes about love. The boy who would slow dance with me in his room listening to his record collection.
           When you left me you had changed. You stopped singing with me in the car. There were no good morning texts. No hello sunshine greetings. You stopped turning in your homework. You stopped debating me on all of our stupid little topics. You stopped talking to me in general. You had lost your passion for life. Did I do that? Did I do something wrong? Did I create the monster that currently haunts me dreams. The guy who didn't talk unless it was to fight. The guy who broke my car door by slamming it too hard. The guy who ignored me for a full month. The guy who refused to go to Prom with me. The guy who talked constantly with another girl. The guy who left me for her.
I think of all this when it snows.
I think of all of the things I could have done differently.
I think of how deep down inside myself I know I still love you.

I loved a girl with the moon and the stars that shone in her eyes. She could smile her way into my heart. Her kindness took me by surprise. I didn’t know where to start. So we started with lies. I drove us apart. I didn’t think she’d see through my disguise. she broke my heart. But I can’t stop loving her eyes.

To the person who only likes me when its convenient. I want to hate you. I want to push you out of my life and scream about how used I feel sometimes. I am a servent ready to please you at a tip of the hat. You ring a bell and I come scampering to you like an animal. When I call. I just keep calling until my voice goes horse. Then you come home drunk and finally want me. I wish I could walk away but there’s something constantly tugging at me every time I try. The constant fear of being alone. Of losing an opportunity to finally feel loved and wanted. So I stay. At your convience of course. When we’re together you give me bliss and soothe my aching heart but when we aren’t we are strangers because who would want to be associated with me? I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to be either.

I know you for a reason. We met for a reason. The second I met you, I fell in love. The second you met me, you finally felt something. And it scared you. I'm scared. Right now, I'm absolutely terrified.  because I thought it'd never feel like this. I thought it never could. I lost my favorite person, and now I've found them again and If god is real and things really do hapen for a reason than nicole lead me straight to you and no one will ever understand it, because we share the same soul and that's why we'll never work. Because we're the same. We're both sociopaths. Dad always told me sociopaths can love. But their love is limited. and he limited his to me, and i limited mine too absolutely everything. That's why it hurts so badly. He says I've fulfilled him and he cried. I cried. We sat holding hands crying for 2 hours because i  can't live without him, and the second I let him go, I was going to have to let him go for good. I'm walking away now. This is where I leave it. But that's a lie. I can't walk away from him and I never will because if you truly Love someone, and loving and being in love are not the same thing, than that never goes away so matter the pain or the distance. I love him. We think the same way. We share the same mind. He told me that once. He told me I'm the female version of him. He acknowledged it. But he's the broken one. I'm not some broken thing to be fixed or saved, I'm just a girl who needs to be loved. And he loves me. But he can't love me. He's not in love with me. Simply, because he can't love. And I still love him. ****, I ******* love him. 7 billion people, and we end in the same place at the same time and we have soemthing this special that no words but his and mine to each other can describe or express and for a moment that's enough. But what are the odds. What are the ******* odds of that. Under this moon.