"I love you. I always have and I always will." She whispered under her breath.
A part of her hoped someone would hear....anyone.
He laughed and joked with friends that surrounded them.
She chimed in making conversation trying to put the thought out of her head.
It was never any good because he sat there, a smug look pressed firmly on his face.
Sitting there he looked at her. She looked back hoping they were going to connect the way this stares always managed to do. That spark was gone. That lust. That longing. It was gone.
"I love you." The words weren't there any more.

sudden attack of overwhelming panic.
quickly followed by muffled sobs.
snot drips like a leaky faucet.
i want nothing more than to a child again.
just to hear the reassuring, "everything will be okay."
instead i sit locked up in my room.
still afraid to seek comfort.
still afraid to show what's brewing in my guts.
a consistent black hole that grows from broken pieces of myself.
i will always be alone.

i'm learning to let go.
let go of the way i feel.
constantly wondering what i could have done.
knowing i'll never get that second chance.
i miss you.
i want to erase you.
but i'd be so empty without the memories we shared.
though they weren't true.
and though they weren't long.
i cherish them.
i've stored them away.
i'll erase you from my mind.
but i'll never unlock you from my heart.

the darkness has me.
she whispered in his ear.
it has me and wont let me go.

you gotta look through the pain.
you gotta look through it all.

...tbc.

I can't remember a time when I was happy.
When I wanted to live. . .

I only remember the gut wrenching pain of being a disappointment.
a failure.
a loser.
nothing.

I looked to drugs.
I looked to alcohol.
I looked to the blood that dripped.

I wanted to feel nothing.
to no longer feel sorrow.
pain.
lost.
alone.

I just wanted hope.

Death looked welcoming.
So I tried jumping in.
but even death wouldn't take me.

I never wanted this.

the luminescent moonlight danced across his chest.
i paid attention to the pattern in his breathing.
the stress and heartache from the day was washed away by a soft dreamland.
he appeared calm; almost childlike.



to be continued. . . .