Early morning coffee
Watching the LA sunrise
I clear the air
I sage myself under the moon
Dancing while wearing a crown
Meditating among crystals
Praising the goddesses for their love and light
My papa said he was so proud of me this mornin'
And that too, brings tears to my eyes and softens my chest
Into feeling
Feeling all of it
And allowing myself the space
The time
To openly just feel and be a student of curiosity
To those feelings.

I think I might need to mourn him a little bit more
As I continue my path.

It hurts to eat breakfast
Snaps pitter patter right on past
Into what's now what I hoped never be
A part of our past
Eggys, milky white yellow
Perfectly poached pleasure
Snap snap
Photographs
The lenses of my eyes like twirling into
The last time you saw me
And I hopped into your car
As you drove on by
Accidentally cried
You said I looked like I was doin' really well
Bringing me breakfast in bed
Coffee in the morning but never quite
How I take it
You had to go
You chose you.

I become the best me I could become
Iridescent beaming light
Moon water in sight
Dancing as a wolf
You live down the street
I wonder if you use the holographic silverware
Or if you ever returned the pink dish rack
The pink lights lining the walls
Lining the outline of my body
Under the Aztec styled blanket
A fellow libra aesthetic
You were a fellow libra aesthetic.

I mourn you now
I mourn you in a quiet, so quiet
Calm and like I've finally paused to look at the wall
And start to dismantle it down.

Its November now
Tides ebb and flow
They carry me into the
Hawaiian sunset
You said once I always wrote about other men
In my poetry about you.

I don't talk to you anymore
Because breakfast hurts
And I'll never cook
Or eat it
Quite the way I did when I was with you
And you were mine
And I was yours
But breakfast hurts and I counted on you
I counted on you to be strong enough.

And then in autumn colored turned summer
Smatterings of color
You posted about me
Like I was part of your past.

So that's why
Breakfast hurts.

Soft gaze
Interlocking hands
Jet black
You pour over my body like its a constant stream
Of ******* consciousness you've been
Looking deeply for all this time.

Little lace
You love my pretty face
Sweeping into the distance
Your light is bright
Friendly with such a trusty banter
Your voice makes my ******* wetter
As I ****** in the cocoon I created.

Trembling thighs
Melting minds
You quiver when I touch you
Sensually and with such a taste
For the offerings you bring
To my opened mouth
Longing for more
Another drink into
A steadfast
Rose that sits inside a glass vase
I brought it here
I left it for you
So you'd know what makes your heart
Pitter patter.

So this is the way it goes
I put out my second mini preroll of the morning
Don my mustard fall sweater
Check the screens, check the screens
Don't
Don't
Miss a thing.

Messages from you and your mama
Come through
Like a fog in the grave yard
I no longer tread.

I can see myself again so easily
Plumper, shorter hair
Platinum rust
A bigger bust
Running into the dust
I knew who I wanted to become.

I'm becoming her
More and more everyday
And it is a cryin' shame you went away
But I can't hold ghosts in the palms of my hands
Though you'd think based on my late night
Wakings
I'm certainly most comfortable
With just the imagined.

I'm striving to be more and more present
Everyday
I know that's all you wanted too baby
I know that's all I wanted for you too baby.

I'm just sorry it didn't go our way.
I'm just so sorry you chose not to stay
I'm really very sorry you closed the door to me
I apologize for driving you away
But most of all I'm sorry you are so sorry now
You've seen I no longer remain
Among the bones, the dirt we piled up high
In so short but meaningful a time.

I still look for your black Toyota
Highlander stamped on the back
But I can never really remember what the front looks like
Catching the eyes of strangers
I gaze at them with an intense
Looking for ghosts manner
Only to quickly avert my gaze
Not him.

I painted the visions for you
Blew them up like 3 dimensional figurines
I didn't mean to relive such a thing
My face gets caressed but I flinched like it was
Going to be a slap
Dollar bills flashing through the pupils of my eyes
You've gotta know I'm still mad.

I don't choose to do anything with my anger now
I nourish places to live in peace
And I know that's all you ever wanted for us baby
I know that's all I ever wanted for us baby
It's just too bad it couldn't be with you.

And its true I always feel this way
Because I give relationships my above all
And there's no shame in that
But I stand on the edge of the waterfall
So aware that with one wrong move
I could tumble all the way on down
But it isn't death I fear
No, I've never feared death
And as I felt my eyes becoming
A little too comfortable closed
Standing next to my new friend George
In the Hilo, Hawaii night sky
I awaken, stopping my getting too comfortable in potential
Danger state
And tell my friend, "let's go."

Not because I fear pain
But because I've got so much living to do.

I wish I could pretend
Like my heart wasn't hurting the way it is
When I'm alone
An anchor
We've, I've heard you described
As what was once an anchor on me

It is so hard to imagine
You living down the street
Gazing out the 7th floor windows
Enjoying the balcony
The bathtub I would have bathed in
The candle I bought
The orchid
I wonder how she grows
Or if you threw my pack of **** away
And if your heart hurts
Aches even
When you are alone
Too.

It didn't work out between us
I ended up living here in Echo Park
Much longer than I
I once thought we
Intended
And sometimes I feel real embarrassed about that
Sometimes I feel angry, every feeling
As I blocked you out one final time
Feeling so tired of like
I was the person uninvited
I was the person who's invitation got taken away
But then again
It was you who first tried to put back on your pants
And leave the downtown hotel room.

I'm not the same person anymore
I'm not super sure who I am becoming now
Sometimes I feel like I love and like who I'm becoming
So very much
With a zeroed in focus on healing
Self work, self care, self focus
Every time I take a hit of **** for the first time
I feel relieved there is no one around to judge me for it
And I'm realizing more and more
What I want
What I deserve
Who I am
Who I am becoming
What my goals are.

You moved all the way back to LA
Just to let me go.

Does your heart ache
Does your heart hurt
When you too are alone?

When the weekends arrive
Particularly on pacific coast time
I remember how you'd say you'd scoop me up
Take me to your place in Venice for a time.

It became our place
You moved there for a moment
To sweeten my heart
And we all just fell apart
In the end.

My weekends here now
The silence feels so loud
My living situation is not what I wanted
Not what I planned
Not what I hoped for.

And I cried to my therapist
Said nearly everything ugly
I'd thought about myself
And you
Since you stopped choosing me.

I don't know why
You keep that picture of me
On your Instagram page
Or the pictures of us
Where we did our best
To live and love.

I wonder where you are now
Watch your life proceed without me
From a far distance
As your following and follower count grows
But I can't even see it
Because you have your profile set on private.

I compare and contrast myself
To all your supposed friends
And wonder if you miss me
As badly as I do you.

We spoke of you coming and finding me again
I never thought there would be such loud
Profound silence
Between the two of us
And I wonder if we will ever meet again.

I'm not happier without you
Is the truth
And I wish so much
You could remeet me now
Take me out of this tiny apartment
In Echo Park
Let's build the life we dreamed
No more just fantasies.

Let's build the life we dreamed please.

So I shake off the dust
The dust I inflict upon myself
Close the old chapter
Where this time last year I was not who I am now
And continue to grow and get better
At not absorbing
The opinions, emotions, and energy of others
And give myself permission
To grow.

Perhaps in time
Perhaps in time
The weekends are always the most painful
Long black cotton dress
The way you kissed my neck
Our love was real
Our love is real.

How do you
How do you say
I want to write our own script with you
I want to be your life partner
And to explore and frolic into the rest.

I want you to propose
I want to marry you
And for you to marry me
I want us to own property
Settle down
With a life full of splashes of color
I want to accept you just as you are
And I want to embrace the fluidity
Within which I see and can hear
For the first time without fear
Or demons I couldn't see past before
You for the very first time
I can hear and I can see
I can feel and I have the tools to work through my own
Pain.

How do you say
Can't you see how I have greatly transformed
How do you say
Can you give me
Us
Another whole chance
And I will too
How do you say
I want to live with exuberance
To love with openness and excitement
To share a full life of love, compassion
All knowing self awareness
With you.

How?