Barely a day goes by where I don’t think about you, Askim
Some days I’m at peace with our distance
But often, it overcomes me and I find myself whispering to myself “I miss you, Askim”
Sending my melancholy into the wind

You’re on my mind tonight and I don’t want to let you go
Please forgive my indulgence of writing this to the universe and upsetting your energy

I still dream of us… as foolish as that may be

Sometimes Askim, I struggle with your words
They’re distant, entirely pleasant and friendly
You’re there, but you’re not there

I understand. You can’t say hello and risk another goodbye. I get it…

I just miss you, Askim **

Askim

I don’t mean to bother you. I just needed to let out some emotions.
I spent this week in your city, and it weighs on me. Just a few weeks ago, I was back in the city we met. And you were in my deepest thoughts. And it’s been a challenge. I’ve been up and down.

I still see you everywhere.

Walking the streets of your city is one of the more nerve wracking and anxiety producing things I’ve done for a while.

I was having lunch this week with your recently departed colleague, who spoke of you, for what seemed like an eternity. All I could do was just breathe in deeply and exhale slowly… while trying to keep my composure. Oh… and… he was pretty happy to get a break from your boss!

I wore your socks and scarf today. Wearing your scarf has an intensity that I can’t quite describe. 2/3 comforting and 1/3 torture. It’s a rather sadistic experience.

Askim, I’m a little perplexed by your enthusiasm to video chat and send gifts, followed by a rather cold semi-silence. We’re all human and it’s not like I haven’t had my moments too! but that messed me around a little.

It’s cool. You can be whoever you want, but it definitely was an unexpected ride.

I didn’t think I was going to write for a long time yet… but it all just bubbled up inside me tonight, right when I was watching GA, funnily enough.

I miss you, Askim.

I haven’t lost the dream…

Work is pretty ******* right now too actually. There’s about to be a blood bath. I’m pretty sure I’m safe, but it’s about to get ugly.

So yeah, the past month has been splendid and smooth.

Anyway, that’s my update.
Don’t worry, I won’t make this a habit. I just had to let the emotions out tonight.

Take care, Askim **

Askim,

I came and I left. I missed you. Gosh how I missed you. I don’t feel like I’m even allowed to admit it. I surely don’t feel like I can email this to you. I missed you.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt a tear roll down my cheek. Let alone many.
It’s been a big week. I kicked ***.
I miss you.
I sorry. I’m supposed to be stronger.
I just have a lot of emotion to release and it’s all coming out tonight.
Maybe I should I delete this. I don’t even know.
I feel like we’re more lost than we’ve ever been. But maybe that’s just me. I feel quite lost at the moment. Generally.
I’m not sending this so you can save me. I’m just burning up on the inside and I need to let it out.  I’m sorry.
I wish I was stronger.

My love, I miss you.

I wrote to you last night. At midnight. Poured my heart out, and deleted it. It wouldn’t have done you any good.

I wanted to write to you, to let you know I’m missing you. And I still love you, Askim.

You came to me in my dreams a few nights ago… it was so lovely to see you again. But it’s left me fragile.

You’ve been on my mind for days now.

I just wanted to put this out into the universe for you. It’s all I can do.

**

I miss you Askim

I miss talking to you…
I miss making love…
I miss having a friend who knows me inside out…
I miss cups of tea together…
I miss caring about you…
I miss ironing your shirts in the morning and helping you roll up your sleeves…
I miss kissing you…
I miss my friend and lover…

I miss you so much babe :/

I can’t quite wrap my head around that we’re not going to talk again. It just doesn’t feel right. So like… that’s it babe?

Will I ever hug you again?
Will I ever make love to you again?

I’m thinking probably not… but I refuse to let go. Even if you have :/

I should sleep. Gotta check out of the hotel and fly home one last time this year.
I wish I could swing past for a hug on the way :(

Oh Askim. Here’s to me missing you from a hotel room on the other side of the world. You should see the city lights. They’re beautiful, but I’d trade them for a log cabin and a big garden with you…

Miss you **

(Found this in my drafts…)

:/ askim

It’s hard isn’t it?

There are emotions bubbling up from the inside of my heart that I’d buried for years

I had a rough week, I’m guessing you did too…

I wanted to write to you every night this week, but I didn’t because it’s already difficult enough without me falling down that slippery *****. So consider this a stop gap. I needed to get some words out to release the pressure in my heart.

I don’t know how you keep it all bundled up inside. But I guess you didn’t let it bubble up to the surface last week, so it’s more manageable.

Hey Askim I can’t sleep… Maybe it’s the blood moon lunar eclipse. I’m restless tonight.  My heart is restless.  I miss you.

I’ve resisted the urge to write to you… mainly because we both needed to find our feet again, and partly because it’s not fair that you get these notes and I get nothing :/

But that’s life eh. I ****** up and here we are…


There’s a few things I wanted to say after our chat.
When I said we moved offices and weren’t in your building, I got my cities confused. (I hadn’t slept much either). I have no idea where our offices are in your city. I’ve never been there and I don’t plan on visiting them. I just wanted to clear that up.

I forgot to share that I wore the scarf you knitted me for the first time a few months ago :) and then again last week. It’s so warm and it feels like a comforting hug around my neck.  It’s one of my most cherished possessions. That and my teapot.

I still use the kettlebell gloves you gave me. Every week. I used to put them on and feel anger as I worked out. The anger is gone Askim. I can’t thank you enough for sharing that time with me a few weeks ago.

Do you remember the wild poppies in my garden. Tiny little red poppies. I collected the seeds and sprinkled them around the neighbourhood. The streets around my home now have them every November. I’m going to keep collecting the seeds and spreading them. The flower of remembrance… my silent tribute to our, now distant, love.  

I still have a few succulents from our time and a single white orchid. I left so many of them to die, unfortunately, when I was in a very dark place. There’s so much I didn’t share about my dark days… But I look after the plants now. I hope to share them with you again one day…

My teapot is back on my desk.

I know you’re back on your feet. Going about your day. I miss you.

I don’t know what will become of this library of love and pain. I can’t use it to write love notes into the black void. And I’m not asking you to come back. You need to respect the life you live. I respect the life you live.

This place is therapy for me… but I don’t know what its future holds. I don’t know what it will become for me, apart from somewhere to empty my heart when it all gets too much.
Is it unfair on you that you have no right of reply… is it unfair on me that I receive no reply? I don’t know Askim. It’s just how life worked out…

As I finish this letter, the eclipse has passed. The blood red moon, washed by the sun, she is radiating a pure innocent white again.

Missing you tonight…

My dearest Askim,

Consider this a line in the sand on a sunny beach.

I felt the need to leave something positive here for you. That’s why I’m writing today. To break the cycle of hurt and pain. Love shines from today. Even with tears running down my cheeks on the plane.

The past is the past. Today I finally let it go. Let it be what it was. We can’t change it now. I truly hope today helped you too…  

What we can do is be our best. Live our best lives. I won’t rehash everything I said to you today, you heard it. I have nothing but love for you. And I will protect you until the day I die. That is something I will commit to for just a very few people on this earth. But I do so, unreservedly for you. Always.

It still doesn’t mean I won’t miss you every day I’m alive…

The main thing I wanted to say was thank you for giving me the gift of 90 minutes with you. I shall cherish that time more than you know. You set me free today. I can’t thank you enough.

I’m wishing you a big sleep after the disruption I brought to you. I’m wishing you peace and happiness.

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know, that every time I don’t,
I almost do…

Sweet dreams Askim.
Seni seviyorum **

Askim, if that’s who you are, you can breathe again now, I’ve left…  I’m on a plane to another city, another hotel, another restaurant and crew of people.

Anyway, I’m gone.

I don’t regret messaging you for a cup of tea. I was surprised to hear from you actually. Seems you’ve moved on from ghosting me to just a cold NO. Quite the upgrade really.

Do you really expect me to believe we don’t have anything to talk about… what a load of *******. You might have well just said, *******.
There’s nothing like speaking to your Ikizim like a business transaction. I didn’t hear a shred of emotion in your voice. I forgot how cold you can be. But I guess, that’s what you’re so good at. Compartmentalisation. Put me in a dark box and leave me there. That’s where I live…

You can breathe again. I’m gone. I won’t pull that stunt again… maybe once a decade. Maybe not.

I just thought maybe you’d like to see me :/

Guess not. Sorry askim…

Sorry for disturbing your life. Won’t happen again boss…

Ha. Fucken how crazy are my proms/writing.
Jeezus no wonder you didn’t want to see me. ****. Quick call the guy and just say nah, got nothing to talk about. Hope he goes away…
Smart move.

I had the hope of seeing you this week… in my heart I wanted to see you. But I knew you wouldn’t be there. And when I arrived there, I couldn’t feel you.
I knew you weren’t there.
The place felt empty. It felt like I didn’t have a purpose there.
I still looked for you… in every new face, there was a little flicker of hope that maybe it was you. Followed by a stab of disappointment…

I was in the city where we met in recently. Boy did that **** with my head. I was walking the street alone…drunk and high… just walking inside my feelings, when I saw you. I swear. I walked past this girl and there was no doubt in my mind it was you. None.
I lost the ability to breathe… half doubled over I spun around and circled back, in shock and disbelief. Approaching the girl, wide eyed… it clearly wasn’t you…
I’ve never been so relieved and upset at the same time. Yes, that’s a weird feeling.
I staggered back down the street. Shaking my head in disbelief… I saw you Askim. I saw you. It was beautiful. A few seconds with my Ikizim.
I had a thought today. What if I’ve seen you for the last time… what if… that’s it. What if we never feel each others vibration again.
what if…

My heart hurts… I feel it physically. Tug. Tug. Tug. My breath shallow and stilted. My face, in a frown. Burrowed brow. Eyes sunken. With a sadness that permeates them.

You know, sometimes I see people notice the sadness in my eyes. Of all people, I can tell my Mother In-law sees it.

They catch a glimpse of your sadness, mid conversation. And they don’t understand it, but they can’t explain it away. So it nags at them.

I can’t hide my sadness. It’s inside me, just below the surface. Oozing out of me at inopportune times. It feels like it’s soaked into my DNA. It’s me now.

I saw you in my dream a few nights ago
I hadn’t seen you in years…
I cherished it askim

Miss you x

I’m like a ******* broken record. Aren’t I?
I still miss you…
You’re the only other human who actually got me.
I miss our connection. I miss our friendship.

I have so much I want to share with you Askim.

It’s so cruel to just extinguish us.

It’s so cruel

My Askim

I haven’t written for a while. Been busy flying by the seat of my pants.
Some days I’m killing it. Other days it’s hard to breathe, let alone talk.
I hide it fine, but it takes its toll. I guess.

I think a hug would really fix a lot. But I already failed at that one once.

So this is how it stays? I just live broken?

When I think about you, it feels like a black hole inside my heart.

Will I die broken too?

I’m unclean, a libertine and every time you vent your spleen I seem to lose the power of speech. You’re slipping slowly from my reach… you grow me like an evergreen, you’ve never seen the lonely me at all. I fall… without you I’m nothing…
- Brian Molko

I miss you so much Askim…

I miss your friendship most of all. I miss my Ikizim. Are we really going to go through the rest of our lives without our Ikizim? Really baby?

I know we can’t talk… I know he wouldn’t allow it. It’s pretty ****** tbh… but I respect that. **** me, I’ve caused enough tears for one lifetime. For that, I apologise.
The last thing I’ll ever do is complicate your life again. I’m just sitting here silently. This is my only outlet. So please forgive me for writing. Not that you read it anyway.

I never expected to meet Ikizim. It’s just not possible to unforget. I just can’t unforget you.

Ikizim **

I picked up my phone maybe 20 times tonight. Then forced myself to put it back down. I need to write to you. I’m craving a connection with you. But it’s a dead end. You’ve disappeared… again. I’m so ******* torn. I want to delete everything and burn it all to the ground. But I can’t. This is all I have left. This and my pain. My old friend sorrow too. I don’t remember much. From our time. I remember your smiles. I remember craving your touch and longing to be by your side. I remember ******* like animals and making love like angels. I miss you… **** I try not to. I’m still kinda ****** with you too. Most of all I’m just sad. Because I miss you. The longer this goes on the more I feel like we’ll never speak again in this life. I actually don’t think I’ll ever hear your voice again or touch you. Yeah that hurts. The sadness has become a part of me. My pain has become a part of me. When I think of you I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I don’t want you to come back. Please don’t. I’d ******* fall to pieces. I’m barely keeping my **** together as it is. I just want a hug.

I remember you as my equal. Intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. You were the first woman to ever scare me intellectually. I respected you fiercely. Protected you fiercely. ******* loved you fiercely. Still do, despite the endless pain. I miss you. And **** it hurts to see you disappear that little bit more.
I wanted to send you flowers. What a ******* loser I was.

I see you’re gone. Turned your back again. Left me just that little bit more. It frees me. Frees me to write again. You see, I’d stopped. I didn’t want to affect you any more. I didn’t want you to feel compelled to come here and wallow in my pain. So I’d resisted the urge to write. But now you’ve severed that cord.  Were you set free? Do you feel this? I’d be surprised if you feel anything anymore. Ghosting me is your super power.

This place is mine again. For me to write. Alone.

I miss you so much. I know I’m not supposed to. Im not supposed to verbalise it.
I’m supposed to be on top of the world right now. But I miss you. So much it hurts. Still.
I’m not even supposed to write this.
Maybe I should just delete everything and start again writing where you’ll never find me. That would be best for you, right. Best for me too.
I broke.
I’m broken.
I saw a psychic. A proper one. She saw right through me. She saw you. She knew us. She knew everything about me. Everything. Down to the last detail. Warts and all. It was the most uncomfortable feeling I’ve ever had. Everything I’ve hidden laid bare.
She said we shared a past life. She knew how intense we were. She knew it all. Scarily so.
I should really let you go.
I’m trying.
I’ve been meditating and working through my energy blockages. It’s brought up so many memories that I’d repressed. Dreams too. Of us.

Just for the record. I don’t expect a reply. I don’t want one.  I don’t write these for you. It’s my therapy.
Maybe I should just disappear again. Delete my account and start a fresh. I think you’d breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t blame you.
**

We won’t sink back into darkness. I don’t want that for either of us. I’ve worked so hard to be a better father, husband, human. I won’t jeopardise that and my hard fought sanity. Nor do I want to hurt you ever again.

And you’re a locked up box. I don’t have the key.

You’re not a horrible monster. You just made a decision, at a very difficult time. Decisions have consequences. My heart, soul and sanity were the consequence.
My decisions had consequences too, I acknowledge that, but there’s one difference. It’s all in my lines. I won’t rehash it.

I didn’t write those poems to hurt you. When it all got too much, that’s all I had...

The sea saved me this week. I walked past that little car park where you dropped me off that day and **** near lost the ability to breathe.

I can’t stay here any longer. I fly home today. Dad’s back on his feet for now. I asked him what he’s going to do when his frivolous bipolar spending spree runs out. He calmly replied. Suicide.

I have not-so-little humans who need my energy. He doesn’t deserve any more.

When you read my lines, beneath the pain, I still love you.
I can’t feel the warmth from your heart. Mine is cold. Your well wishes are welcome.

I miss you x

The past week has hurt like hell
Watching your father fade away before your eyes. Manic. Confused. Sedated. Nearly fucken handcuffed to a bed.
I’ve become his carer. For a while.
I’m much more numb to it than I thought I’d be. It has to escape me somehow. I’ve bottled it up. I’ll blow a fuse. I guess....

I’m just up the road from you. A few hours maybe. I don’t really know. What does it matter? I might as well be on Mars.

Nice of you to let me know you’re still alive. Albeit briefly. For what it’s worth, I appreciated that. Much more than you appreciated my poems.

You did turn your back on me.
You did know you were hurting me.

You ghosted me. I called you... day after day... after ******* day... and you left me to burn.

Call it what you will. But you cut the cord and let me float away into space. Cold. Dark. Empty.  Space.

I nearly didn’t ******* make it back.

Don’t you dare pretend what you did was ok.

I’m still seething. 5 years later. I wish you didn’t leave me this way. I’m a broken human.

All I wanted was a good bye. But no. Self preservation kicked in. And you turned and cut and ran.

Who cares about ikizim when you can only care for yourself.

Ikizim died that day. For both of us. You killed ikizim.

And yes, 5 years later I still feel the knife.

When you were lost, I showed you the light.

You could be living out in the boonies with 15 cars in the backyard.

When we met you were about to flush your life away. I gave you the courage and love to be strong. I lit the light ahead. I held your hand.

And when you found your path. You let go.

How is that ikizim?

It still hurts so much.

I know you’re not there, but I want the universe to know that I miss you. FWIW.

Simple really. You had to choose a path for yourself. I get it. Self preservation always wins. It’s what makes us human.
But know that I gave my all for you. And **** I miss you.
Let these poems and sad love stories be my heart’s final grave.
For how sad am I?
Mourning a love who has long gone...

I wonder what you’re thinking.
I wonder if you think of me often.
I wonder if you’re happy.
I wish for you to be safe.
I hope that you’re happy.
I hope you’re smiling.
I miss you.

*******

You’d be proud of me Askim.
I know it didn’t turn out how you wanted.
Work **** well saved me from destruction. From myself.
And I’ve been crushing it.
I may still get crushed, but **** me, I’ll die trying.
What else is there now that you’re gone forever?
There’s just an empty black hole. And a fire that burns me alive.

**

I associate sadness with you
Drinking makes me sad
Drinking brings me back you
A hollow, bottomless, throbbing feeling
After a while it feels almost reassuring
It may not be nice, but it feels like home
Comfort in its familiarity
My place to mourn you
Deep inside my hollow heart

I just want to make you proud

You broke me
I’m not normal
Not anymore

I’m still so angry
I’m so ******* angry

I feel like you wanted to hurt me

To get your revenge

There’s no other way

****

I broke

Again.

I miss your smile
I miss knowing you love me
I miss your touch too, but I barely remember that now

I miss your mind. Sharp and strong
I miss seeing you smile and your beautiful eyes
Most of all I miss your friendship

We were inseparable
Until that horrible day
You left. You came back. And left again.
Each time tearing my heart open

Now there is a void in my life
A hole in my heart
And a tear in my soul

I miss you, my lover
Most of all I miss you, my friend

Loving you is like a black box
Pain goes in
Nothing comes out

I wonder how many years it’ll take for the pain to subside?
What if it never goes away?
You said to me “I don’t think we will ever get closure.”
Will we die this way?

??!?

You did me a favour. Pulling the pin.
This way we both pretend to be happy.
The alternative was mutual destruction.
I’ve seen that happen and it’s worse than nasty.
You live your life. I’ll live mine.
Forever our heart will beat in time.

How could I possibly have something with you again?
How could I possibly trust you again?
How could I believe you won’t burn me when it suits you?

How could you possibly trust me?
I’m a ******* right?
I’m a dog.
That’s me.

Do you think of me when you’re out on the blue ocean?

When you look up at the stars and the moon and the sky, do you think of me?

I read your poems tonight until tears were steaming down my cheeks

My love I miss you

I’m struggling to move on

I’m still broken

I wish I could hear your voice
Oh how I dream of you calling me
Just one call...

I do wonder if I’ll ever hear your voice again

You’ve made your mind up to erase me
I don’t have any power.
I’m helpless to your choices

I saw a bunch of Iceland poppies last week
**** near cried on the spot

I just want closure
Anything

Universe? Help me

I don’t even know if you’re dead or alive

I understand why you did what you did, just not how
I knew you had a fork in the road
I knew you had a choice
I know you had to make the call

What you didn’t have to do was ghost me

How you ended it hurt more than you’ll ever know

You scarred me for life

An eye for an eye ?

I miss our friendship
I miss you, my friend

Yes, love made US and complicated US and tore US apart
But it’s our friendship I miss the most

I wish, I wish we could have it back
I miss you, my friend

You don’t quite realise how lost I am
Maybe you’re in the same boat...
How could I know?

There’s one difference between us.
I never hurt you intentionally.
I wish I could say the same for you.

I should probably just get over it.
It’s been years after all.
You see, it still hurts like yesterday.

Searing pain. As fresh as the day you disappeared.

You’d be proud of me Askim
I’ve achieved so much
I’m driven by the pain
**** it burns inside me
I want you to be proud
Despite my anger
I guess you’ll never know now
So what does it matter