I am nostalgic for humanity, the good in humans. My emotions have been consequential lately. I feel that I’m not ready for the emotions of others, negative emotions because of my actions. If they could feel what I feel, see what I see, would they treat me different? Would it change their response? I’m honest, yet deemed a horrible person. No matter..life moves on with or without you. I can’t stick around to ponder on the feelings of others. I have my own self inflictions. I’ve been feeling so sad and guilty about Jay. I had a dream about him. I fell into hole after his death and found comfort in it. I feel extra lonely lately and I like it. Puts my reality into perspective. I’m always so torn that’s my reality. Everything is half and half with me. Half of me enjoys being lonely, the other half wants someone around. I just don’t want them to confuse the need of company as a need of commitment. If they are more than that to me then I’ll let that individual know. I wanna self reflect so badly. Half of me wants a friend, someone consistent and the other half feels lustful, I want someone consistent for that as well. Every situation is a triangular spectrum. Both sides can be chosen and beautiful colors will show...a beautiful outcome is possible

Yes I have fears, yes they’re derived from my past. But I’ve become so empathetic with my fears so they are present but they don’t consume me or alter my feelings. I fear vulnerability, I fear pain, I fear loneliness, I fear you and the power that comes when you feel so deeply for someone. But my fear of not taking that risk is even worse. I fear losing out on feeling like every inch of me unthreads when you kiss me or touch. I fear days without you. I fear not hearing your voice. I fear losing out on the love that could be exchanged between us and fear the leap of faith I’m taking but I fear most staying stagnant and watching love pass me by on the other side so I will like you because of my fears but I will also love you despite all the other fears.

It puts me at ease to trace the details of your skin
Admiring every pore down to the mole on your chin
The way your thumb is perched on your lip with the slightest grin
Eyes closed, mind wandering back to a world only you know
The light creeps in across your skin, a luminescent glow
I’ve never seen morning be so kind to someone I know
You’re beautiful to me in a way that can’t be explained
The way I look at you with such detail could be deemed insane
My idea of your beauty is unfathomed
Every inch...every spasm
I pray to experience morning like this with you for days to come
Sacrificing sleep to see in that first morning sun

Us poets, we live two lives
The one on the outside and the one in our mind
The regular life and then the one that is divine
I’d rather have the company of the thoughts in my head
Rather than needing to apologize for the ones that have been said
People are so sensitive until they are the ones to offend
I’d much rather live the one where I don’t have to defend

Sometimes I wanna be alone
Just to beg for company in silence
Sometimes I wanna be alone
To convince my self I need some peace and quiet
Sometimes I wanna be alone
Just to convince myself solitude is my home
But do I really wanna be alone
Because inside I’m just hoping someone will hit my phone
Just to say...you’re not alone
Just to say...I’m here for you
Just to say...you’ll make it through
Just to convince me I gotta do what I gotta do
But in all honesty I have no clue
No clue how to see it through
But maybe I just need someone to tell me that feeling like all this is okay too

It’s pretty ironic, quite paradoxical
How I wake up in the morning and my thoughts just flock to you
Coincidentally I’m writing this
& incidentally you’re reading it.
Truthfully it’s about you
& how since I met you, you’re in everything I do
It’s slight deja-vu but still new
The perfect conversational dates
Spoiling you with foreplay of our fate
Not sure if we have souls or if it’s just a metaphor for our essence
Either way I can’t wait for our souls to mingle in your presence
Your lingering words left for me to assemble
I’m imagining my touch makes you tremble
Just stick around for what’s to come and it will all be so simple

Is this a new me or did I fool me?
Kinda like I did you
Who knew my best attribute would be infidelity
I’d trade it all back if I knew you wouldn’t care for me
But what did I expect?
You asked for honesty and I served you disrespect
All for some temporary emotion I couldn’t keep in check
Now it’s all a mess
Now I have less...
None of you and less of me
How did I turn into someone I never planned to be
I made you feel so temporary
Now I’m left alone and this **** is scary
I know I took a piece of you
And in return I lost myself
Left with these consequences of my selfish decisions
I cry inside so my emotions stay hidden
So I sit in my room..the self made protagonist
Wishing the pain away and that it never happened like this

I pity the living & I envy the dead. Their war with this society is over and they know peace.

Can I see your naked soul before I see you physically naked? Can you undress for me starting with your insecurities? Can you tell me stories? The ones you never told please. Start with all the secrets. Can I kiss all of your body? Touch it like miles of plains and dive in the waves of any untouched oceans you may have. Can I introduce you to my way? The right way, the high way, the rough way, the you ready to get cuffed and ****** bae? Can I still make the ****** tension high? Even though if we ask permission we’d probably both deny. Do you wanna smoke and get high? Express your feelings whether you laugh or you cry. Would you do both? Probably would do the same with my hands around your throat. Is it cool if I tell you my stories? Even the ones that are painful, dark and gory. How if I was a guy I might have came in a couple girls and ended up on Maury. **** is super crazy. But can you really blame me? Just wanna tell you everything so you can break me down and tame me. Is it ok if my poetry doesn’t rhyme? Does it make it better knowing it’s about you and I still took the time? Can we talk about your past? Digging into graves will make the friendship last. Let’s talk about how when I met you I patted soil over the seeds you planted on me. All these conversations and poetry water them. You’ve made me some what of a tree, growing with inspiration....branching and leafing off into new things, new ideas, new emotions, new exchanges, new friendship, new intimacy and new compassion. But I’ve finally figured out what I like most about you, you give the people around you reasons to be happy, an aura that sets the mood, and a laugh that sets the vibe. I think that’s why you intrigued me the most. I’ve haven’t met someone in so long to share so many qualities at one time. It’s different...amongst many other things, it makes you beautiful.

I hear people speak of the pleasures of war. Funny how all who say that are kings or bystanders enjoying their freedom. I wish they were more careful with their words. People like myself who over hear them might get upset. It triggers a horrid reminder of the situations that presents itself to us everyday in the form of a “job”, no matter any of those feelings or thoughts..this is the life we are in. Ensure you give thanks for this life, if you see no reason then the fault is only in yourself. Know that when your time comes, don’t allow your heart to be filled with fear of death. Arrive at your death happy, maybe a little drunk, in love and late. Live your life to the fullest so when the time comes you are not scared and praying for more time to live life differently. Life in its simplest form is so much more enjoyable but we have built blockades of distractions for ourselves and we might never know. Life is no longer the goal, it’s whatever someone self perceived peak of happiness is, they are nostalgiac for something they’ve never had.

I'm always aiming for the highest point of understanding for the person my words are meant for. But since we first started messaging and conversing I craved more conversation with you in a sense that I feel like I'm missing out if I don't talk to you. I like your smile, your laugh, your vibe... and I’ve just met you.You’re beyond beautiful and that’s a perfect decor for your depths, personality, and substance. I feel a mental connection there that fills all the other areas we haven't gotten to explore yet such as a deeper emotional connection or a physical connection. I meet women sometimes and I feel lust but speaking with you is like a conversational lust lol idk if that makes sense. And on a side note your voice is so fuckn attractive lol when you laugh and you put your hand up to your mouth. You have a routine about you and it’s just dope af. The way you carry yourself is something that should be almost idolized. You don’t seem to spend all your time looking for happiness, it’s like you know doing that will lead you to finding happiness in the wrong places sometimes. You just find joy in what is. You just want to Be who you are, not what you're perceived to be. And most importantly you don't get stuck between categories and definitions

They say war is somewhat like hell,
It's damages your heart and mind
I say it again; war is hell for those who have stopped to wonder.
How do I know this?
I have one too many friends laying 6 feet under.  
The world is nostalgic of peace
Unfortunately all we have to offer is more and more grief
So whether we change now or later
It's just too early for our friends and family to meet their creator
War is hell and we can't come together
We as people can make this so much better
Get rid of the hate and lies
Don't give anyone a reason to cry
It’ll feel good if no one has to die

I’m thankful to the person who messed up and let you go
Now I have the opportunity to love you in a way they could never show
A better opportunity to grow
I wanna be able to ****** your soul without ***
I wanna reach the finish line of your mind that once was so complex
Help each other accomplish our goals and then ask “What’s next?”
Trust that it’s just you and me..**** the rest.
You’re the one who has brought me life through love after all the years “love” has taken life from me.
Your prior chaos will now become a new life
Not a “You” nor and “I”...now it’s “We”

It’s rare to find someone who truly wants to explore you deeply beyond the body and mind, who has a desire to learn every ounce of your soul, just because they want to love you right. I am something different for you, you make me better and wash away the bitter.

It would be my pleasure to please you
Kiss you...grip you...tease you
We have previous encounters so never mind your bruises
I just wanna choke you...ride you...**** your juices
I want you to beg...waiting and wanting
I’ll make you hold off...teasing and taunting
I want you to get wetter with each kiss
Moan with each grip
Wetter with each flick
Place your lips on my tongue
I just wanna make you ***
I want you to endure the *******
I’ll hold you down through the leg spasms
Don’t move I need you to take it
We have more rounds. Can you take it?
I just wanna have my way with you
Lay with you
I just wanna go deep in you
Slide in let it leak out you  
I just wanna hit that spot
Find it and give it all I got
I love the way you arch your back
Let me flip you over so you can throw it back
Let me make it work
That plus your ****** and you might squirt
I’ll put the rope on nice and tight
Turns me on when you tug and fight
But then again you know what I like
I just wanna choke you while I stroke you
I know you’ll cuss and moan like you’re suppose to
& when I’m done we can switch so you can **** me like a real one supposed to

How does it feel knowing your presence changes my mood...contributed to my feelings and had the ability to turn me on. All you have to do is exist

I want you to quiver on your throne
Trembling all through your bones
Claw my fingers down your back
Make up for the 2 months I lacked
I’ll sit you down and tell you how it should be
You understand the dominant act you’ll be begging by the count of three
No i don't wanna break you
Just see how far you can bend.
But please dont worry love
I'll kiss you till all the bruises mend
I’ll pull you closer so the games can begin
I just want you to lay there
Unable to move
I wanna leave a warm wet trail across your skin it’s so smooth
I wish I could taste your flavor and have it last longer than our distance
I want that scratching and grabbing along with that resistance
I wanna take you over without vote
Look at those pinched veins as I grab your throat
My long hands along your jaw
Devils claw
I want it now; I want it raw
I feel this predators lust
Making you mine is a must
Teeth leave greedy marks
Sweat pooled in the dark
Labored torn lips and fingertips
Come mount me so you can feel this grip
I want you to cuss and moan
Ride my face and **** your throne
I wanna demand what I want so you can give me what I need
Submit to me so I can take the lead
I want you to quench this well developed kink
Wetter and wetter as I slide in that pink
There’s something dark in me that needs control
I need all your mind, body and soul
Dripping down the insides of your thighs;
*******, mascara running down your eyes
The need to be tamed
You cannot control,
it's sick but the pleasure
screams: "just once more".
You crave it with every cell
but from your looks you could never tell.
Rough hands grabbing you tight,
controlling you like a puppet
mouth wide open gasping for air,
I smacked it and you said it loved it
Black leather and cold chains,
purple and blue lights blow your brain
So many things to use,
but you’re still the favorite toy.
Pointing fingers, narrow minds
but you’re only there to enjoy.
All love, no sadness.
Just moans and madness.
I wanna drive you crazy like no other could
Keep repeating it’s so fukn good
I want the crash of my body to send waves of pleasure into your current. I wanna drown in the depth of it all. So let’s get started, no need to stall.

You should have never left tho
You should have never let go
You left me standing in the dark
Eyes full of tears and broken heart
You really had me fooled girl
You were everything, my whole world
I still got your ticket for our vacation
Hope that **** is refundable
I can tell you won't be able to make it
I was caught in your moments
You spoke your soul like a poet
I gave you my heart to hold it
You knew your intentions
And just so you know it
I blame myself
You held the gun
And I'm the one who loaded it
I'll still pray for you
I pity my next love if they can make it through
Because damaged people..damage others
So I hope when you walk out
You know you'll never find another
I regret introducing you to my mother and my brother

You're beautiful..outside and in
I have an insatiable desire to write poetry on your skin
I wanna write ******* with ****** touch
Planting seeds of sensuality..is it too much?
Watch my penmanship, a steady stroke Hallucinations start from mental smoke
Into your skin I want my words to sink
Stuck on you like poetic tattoo ink
Down from your feet, up to your eyes
Writing haiku’s between your thighs
Just lay there as I visually feast
My personal masterpiece
I'm in charge...is that ok?
I'll be controlling you in the most sensual way

There is nothing more attractive than a woman who puts in effort they are afraid to express themselves they can do it without the feel of being desperate someone you can have a conversation with without fear of judgment someone who seduces your mind before your body someone who will take a chance and be vulnerable with you someone who is still in touch with their morals and themselves and has it let society take their perspective on life and isn't afraid of what to come someone who encourages growth and has ambitions someone who isn't afraid to say what they feel I need someone to address for me emotionally and mentally I'll be in a room full of beautiful women and still only be focused on your existence and from there just let me love you

She told me that I'm not enough
I wanted love and she wanted lust
Now she left me with a whole bunch of problems and a lot of **** pain
She crumbled me to pieces
How do I expect not to feel pain
How do I expect to stay sane
When it was all just a game
It's like those people that pass up knowledge just to have fame
So I guess we both lost
But at what cost
You tried to turn me in to something I'm simply not
So let's not pretend we're something
When we're really just nothing
So please don't fake it
I'm at a point where I really can't take it
If fairy tales have taught us anything
We fall in love with short stories the most
But really my true love is now a fukn ghost

I can't help but to envision long talks on summer nights
Cliche poems I wrote you'll convince me to recite
Asking if this is for life
Thinking it just might
Wish I could be sleeping next to you every night
Knowing you're the light at the end of the tunnel
Drowning in your love keeping me humble
Knowing you'll catch me if I stumble
Allowing me to see what real love can do
Expressing that I will always love you
Excited to share thoughts I never have before
Giving you my heart and so much more
Ready to explore you down to your core
But wait, pause...
I snapped back to reality
To the present state where you ripped out all my heart in totality
The beginning of this is what I hoped for
Now these are currents facts, nothing less than true
The real story of what's between me and you
I wish I could have known
I wish I didn't rely on your presence to give my heart a home
However I'm still thankful for the self love you gave
Made me realize I never needed anyone just to be saved
No I'm not sad, mad, frustrated
Just nostalgic of the times when I knew we would have made it.
Now we have become nothing more than strangers
I'm clouded with the thought of love being a danger
The main thing that took a toll were my expectations
Now I approach trust with just hesitation
I'm well aware time heals all
But it still doesn't change the pain of the fall
You were my karma for hearts I broke in the past
Leading on women when I knew we wouldn't last
I was content being genuine and toxic
Both smiling and nauseous
Just when I thought my heart was closed
You conjured up a key like a locksmith
I allowed you to invade all my space
Giving anything for a smile on your face
Your scent became embedded in my flesh
I thought about our future and what was next
Little did I know how much I invested
So by the time you were gone I couldn't have helped it
No time to embrace or prepare
So when you said you loved someone else
My face drew a blank stare
Heartache became more than just emotional
It became physical
Seeking advice from friends, just to get ridiculed
The struggle is what makes you self made
Taking in consequences like there was a price to be paid
All beauty has consequences
I clearly am not your last
But just another obstacle you had to pass
No love lost
I wish you the best
No hard feelings
I'll just figure out the rest
And for those who read this I can attest
Open your minds
Never live life off the concept of time
Along with opportunities and words
These things you can't get back
I gotta focus more and get back on track
I'm over being an option and not a priority
I gave you everything I had til there was no more of me
I'll create my own foundation
More self love without any hesitation
Never mistake my trust issues as insecurities
Never mistake silence as purity
We all have our demons
I keep mine away
Safe in the corners so they don't see the light of day
I wish you the best and you'll find another
But on some real ****. Stop texting my mother

Who told you to leave
Who told me to grieve
You put me through so much change
****** my emotions and redistributed pain
You're the epitome of bad decisions
All the dark places I never wanted to live in
Your harsh words creating painful incisions
Left me with despair
Trying to gasp for air
Trying to force you to care
Thinking only one thought
How could you dare?
Do this to me, do this to us
I never wanted to leave
But I will if I must
I take no pleasure in walking away
I have to much pride to beg you to stay
I can't let you see the pain
Switching over from bae to just no name
Time is no medicine but it helps me heal
Concluding that I can't force you to feel
I pray for your happiness like I pray for my own
You predicted this and I didn't believe
I honestly thought you would never leave
I guess you're doing me a favor
Still ***** I put my love, trust and labor
I gave it all
Just to watch it fall

The reality of who I am to you does not exist in others. Never force perception onto another. Allow them to form their own reality of me.

Your only rival is your reflection
& your only enemy is time.

It’ll serve you well to remember that we are a sum of our actions..not our intentions.

First and foremost, I write because I have a lot to say.  I write because I’m a perfectionist and this is the only place where everything is in my control. In real life, there’s no going back to swap what I said for something more witty/poignant/empathetic/all of the above. There’s no proofreading and editing out all the awkward, insensitive and downright stupid things that come out of my mouth.
But, mostly, I write because a lot of **** happens in life and this is the only way I know how to even try to make sense of it. I’m never going to have exactly the right words to describe the highs, the lows and everything in between  and I’m okay with that. I’ll keep trying anyway because that’s who I am. I may not be good at too many things, but ****** if I don’t try hard. Writing makes me feel human, it makes feel observant, it makes me feel compassion which I greatly lack. Art brings me so many places, but not like writing. Poetry is love for me, nothing better than something that lets you create your own reality

Do people really wanna know you? Or do they just like the idea of you? Do they even know your flaws, your trials and tribulations. Do they care to know. If they did know, would they push it to the side.. how would they comfort you when they don’t you know. Who will bring you solace in your times of real need, when you ache, when you cry. I hope you’re wise and only allow those in with good intentions. I hope no one ever gets to say they got the best of you...how could they when they don’t even know the best of you? Is it wrong to say I hope they fail and then seek retribution on themselves. I hope when you experience pain nothing but growth and lessons learned follow. I hope you know that it was never a failure. It was then who failed you...failed to see your worth. If they would have saw their own demise would they have went about it differently. Or was it worth it to them to have a small piece of you and steal some of your time. Growing up we always hear about the monsters in our closet, under our bed, and the monsters that live in the dark. What about the ones that lurk during the day preying on you. What about the monsters that presents themselves as a savior. How will you know the difference. It almost instills a certain fear that you have to live in and be so cautious of. I have had so many women claim to love me but they didn’t know the real me...what I do behind closed doors, what thoughts really passed through my mind. They just loved the idea of me an what their preconception of me was. These people are everywhere...they are your day to day people that come around just as much as the air you breath. So please be careful, your heart is already physically fragile. Please don’t let these commonalities fool you. But if no one has told you today then I’ll be the first one to let you know I idolize the resiliency you have and how true to yourself you continue to be...they’re both unwavering qualities I adore. I envy you and these “special abilities” you have. It’s rare and undefinable...& once again I’m attracted to anything I can’t define. Despite that I will respect the friendship to be but a definite thank you is always in order for any of this inspiration. So thank you for taking care of your soul and hanging it out for others to see that they can make it just as you have.

Anxiety and depression
That **** ain’t a joke
Keep livin or give yourself the smoke
Anxiety and depression
This **** takes it toll
Trying to climb out this bottomless hole
Anxiety and depression
That **** is for the birds
Screaming and shouting but still unheard
Anxiety and depression
That **** is war
But what are you really fighting for?
They point out how you mumble your words
They don’t know you don’t have the confidence to be heard
All they know is your smile had faded
They don’t know your mood has jaded
Life becomes a search for a permanent fix
Just so I don’t have to fukn feel like this

Master your peace...
Then become a master piece.

Speaking in third person
It promotes self reflection
I have enough love for myself
And I love my perfect imperfections
And that's all you need to know
Because unlike butterflies
We have a choice to grow
& the option to let go
Even though not all change is excepted
Life keeps moving and we have to respect it
I used to be stuck in limbo with like minded friends
Losing myself to all these unnecessary trends
Made mistakes everyday..again and again
But everyday I remind myself I can never revert
To a path so cold, to a future untold
I appreciate any of my pain caused from others
To all those who let me down one after the other
I no longer seek validation
I gather that from within
I no longer seek love without being a friend
Nothing else can be built without that foundation
I see humans with no humanity
80% of people focused on their vanity
Little do people know that all colors agree in the dark
We pride ourselves on being heartless
Trust, loyalty, and respect have become a luxury
We create barriers with skin color, sexuality and religion
Forcing the real us to keep quiet and stay hidden
We seek sympathy over empathy
Materialism before love
People who don't get when enough is enough
Can we turn back or have we gone to far
National atrocities leaving permanent scars
We've worked so hard to build where we are now
Just to throw it all way
People strive off comments and likes
Social media has become a comfortable prison
It's the ones that crave understanding that never seem to listen
My faith in humanity will never waiver
Even if most are liars and certified haters
We shouldn't be content with temporary
So let's take a step back
Balance our priorities
Give more effort to things that mean more to me
Focus on the depths of the soul
Instill humanity again, that should be the goal