sometimes the weight of my emotions is so hard to bare.
swerving in and out of conscious thoughts
like i exist in two worlds.
two Me's.
but neither of them know each other.

one of ME has a head full of lies.
believes all that is wrong,
sees only the bad,
and plays a victim.
that Me doesn't want to be happy.
that Me doesn't want to change.

another Me is full of hope.
accepts things for what they truly are,
finds the light in every shadow,
and plays the hero.
that Me couldn't be held down.
that Me is wild and free.

I'm confused in my head.
one side of me is ripping from the other.
my body, an empty stage
where two Me's fight for my next scene.
constantly changing
the way i think, see, and feel
and often times,
i hardly find it possible
for the both of me to meet.
to make one singular connection.
one singular understanding.
one singular idea.
one singular feeling.
for an outsider,
it may be hard to conceive
all the action going on behind my eyes.
i would imagine it'd be hard
for one of them to make
one SINGULAR connection
with one of me,
anyways.

Bad Sister.
Bad Daughter.
Bad Lover. Bad Friend.
Bad Student. Bad Teacher.
Through and through.
Till the end.
I want to tell every one
I thought I was fooling
I'm sorry
for making you see me this way,
and for thinking it doesn't **** you to stay
just as much as it kills me to say
That I am
a bad Sister.
Bad Daughter.
Bad Lover. Bad Friend.
Bad Student. Bad Teacher.
Through and through.
Till the end.
But, I'm sorry.

I'm half way from the ledge i jumped off
and half way from the shore.
Wading water in the middle,
back and forth. back and forth.
a little less close, a little more.
I'm in the middle of having no idea what I'm doing
and being so sure.
clinging to something I don't understand
because it feels so wrong, but it feels so pure.
Its a lonely place out in the water
when your drowning
and getting tired.
It grows too hard to stay afloat
without the strength that is required.
Now I'm inching toward the ocean floor
with nothing left to be desired
and I realize ... I was done for from the jump.

I'm always telling who I am
about who I was
and to be her again.

She was happy
on the inside.
The sickness in her mind
was even deeper.

Wasn't real yet, till I fed it.
now, too late to change
- it tells me so.
It tells me I'm a keeper

here in my sickness
and I wonder still
oh, why can't I be her again?