The more you love

The more you grow

The more you care

The more you know

The more you give

The more returns

The more it hurts

The more it burns.

First he was everything. The love of my life. My favorite person in the world.

Then he was the one that got away. He was a missing puzzle piece in my heart. A painful and unexpected wound that tore my soul to pieces.

Then he was an enemy. The villain of my story. Stuck forever in a place of anger and resentment.

Then he was less significant. A memory. Something to learn from. Some sort of lesson.

Then he was the past. Something that happened. Not as important as before. Someone I settled for. Something mediocre.

Then he was nothing. A stranger. Then he no longer held a piece of my heart.

And I think it's funny how it works like that.

My skin gets thicker every time the world strikes me with a backhand blow.

My bones strengthen every time someone I love disappears without warning.

My heart beats more insistently at every attempt someone makes to tear it out.

My soul grows deeper with every ounce of pain that cycles through my being.

Every time the world tries to crush me to its core, I generate resilience. My mind becomes wiser. It takes a certain amount of pain to make a person better. For, in order to rise, you must first be knocked to the ground.

I'm letting you go, now.

I wasn't sure where to start.

But it's time to move on,

So rest easy, my heart.

I took what you gave me and saved it for a rainy day.

I put it in my pocket, carrying it with me on the way.

I'd checked on it in the sunshine, smiling at its essence, knowing that a day would come when I would need it's presence.

But when that day came, a hole had worn my pocket through and through, until there was absolutely not a trace of what I had from you.

I remember the hugs you used to give me before I really knew you.

I remember feeling weirded out by you asking me out over instagram.

I remember the first time I stood close to you, thinking I felt something there.

I remember you saying hurtful things in the beginning.

I remember sitting in the back of my car, just talking until 1am.

I remember being unsure if I wanted to be with you at first.

I remember sitting on the floor of my dorm, and asking you to kiss me because you were too oblivious to do so.

I remember feeling rushed by your want for instant commitment.

I remember how much I wanted you, and how right it felt being with you.

I remember feeling weird about dating someone from work.

I remember the times you made me cry of happiness.

I remember being hesitant about going public about our relationship.

I remember times I was shocked at how intelligent you seemed.

I remember being frustrated at how stubborn you were sometimes.

I remember how happy it felt to be in the car with you.

I remember the times when you let me down or left me to my own devices when I was sad.

I remember how you made me feel like I was a kid again.

I remember the time I sat crying on the floor after you told me I'd have to give up passing my culture to my kids.

I remember wearing your jacket in North Carolina because it made me feel like you were there.

I remember talking to my guy friend on New Year's because you went to sleep and missed midnight.

I remember the smell of your laundry detergent and how it makes me smile even now.

I remember the times you said you weren't sure if you wanted me around.

I remember loving your family and wanting to be a part of it.

I remember your family kicking me out onto the street when I became an inconvenience.

I remember the times I just wanted to stare at your face because I couldn't believe I loved someone this much.

I remember wondering if you ever truly loved me.

I remember the things you did for me that made me feel loved and complete.

I remember the times when I felt like a burden to you.

I remember the times you were truly there when I needed you, even when it was inconvenient to you.

I remember the times when you weren't.

I remember the kisses you'd give before going to work in the morning.

I remember feeling lonely on the days I didn't hear from you.

I remember loving your flaws, because they were a part of you.

I remember telling myself that your behavior was ok because there was an explanation.

I don't want to remember the ugly. I know it was there. But I don't want to think of you that way. I want to think of you fast asleep on my chest after a long day.

I want to think of not being able to wake you up because you are such a heavy sleeper.

I want to think of you getting excited over snails.

I want to think of your kindness.

I want to think of your love.

But that is not all there was.

There was hurt. There was pain. And there were times I sacrificed who I was to be loved by you.

But I don't want to remember that. I want to remember the love.