i allow you to let me settle
settle for things i wouldnt be fine with...
if it wasnt you doing them.
settle for no good morning kisses just my longing looks at your sleepy face.
no cute texts, just "ok" and "love u"  
settle for cuddles.. but only if i ask them.
settle for me feeling like im asking too much.
am i asking too much?
all i ever wanted was a love that consumes me, rips me apart
but puts me back together in a different formation
a more beautiful art piece than i was before.
i wanted a love that comes to me without asking
forcing its way into my heart.
a love that wont ever leave.
and i got exactly that.
you consume me... youre ripping me apart....
but where is the different formation?
why arent you re building?
cant you see that im hurting...
you came into my life and changed me
made me better in ways
made me worse most days.  
you came into my life and loved me
but not in the way i needed
loved me
your way
am i being unfair for expecting the same love i give to you in return?
will giving it to me let your confusing heart burn?
i sound so ungrateful
but really im not
this makes me seem hatefull
but youre all ive got
im so afraid to lose you
do you feel the same?
because its difficult to know
when will you ever grow
like trees i change and shed my leaves with every season of your change
but you stay the same...
you stay... the... same...
same
same
same half love i always get
you say were built different and i get that
but why do i have to keep asking
and begging
and pleading
just to be loved.
not half loved
not almost loved
just
LOVED.

I smoke my silly little ****
and drink my stupid little xanax
I chug my useless little *****
and chew on my foolish little antidepressants
I cut into my mindless little skin
and hurt my idiotic little feelings
I do whatever little thing I need
so I don't end my
silly, stupid, useless, foolish, mindless, idiotic
little life.

Just a
B R O K E N
boy
trying
to
B R E A T H E
through
the
smoke
of
a
B U R N I N G
world

i don't know what i feel for you
but it feels good
like the smell of fresh cut grass
and that first summer rain hitting the sidewalk
it feels good
like your favorite food
or a really good song
it rises inside me like helium balloons
it feels good
like a cold pool on a warm day
and that cocktail after a long day
it feels good
wonderful actually

And just when I think
things are good again
it happens,
the saddening,
the angering,
the depressing weight of the world
catches up
and crushes me

I burned that bridge
and danced in the ashes of what we used to be
i broke free from you
with ***** feet
but a clean heart

You go into a building
and speak to your God
I walk out into nature
and my Gods speak to me

i want to live alone
with you
i want to eat alone
with you
i want to get a pet alone
with you
i want to travel the world alone
with you
i want to be alone
with you
i just want us to be alone,
together,
until we don't
feel lonely anymore

Life without you
is way too much
The thing I need
is your touch
The pain  inside
is way too real
And I just don’t know
how to deal
Now look at how you made me feel…

the crushing weight out here alone
All I want is to call your phone..
But you’re not there…
You don’t even care!!!

this hurt inside Is breaking me,
My heart in Pieces,
like debris…
Why cant you just come back to me?

Love is a knife
that i've been holding by the blade

You hurt me
and like the artist I am
I turned it into a
masterpiece
for you
to see

Sometimes
i
find
myself
missing
what
it
feels
like
to
miss
someone

If you look up the word
"depressed"
you will find a picture of me

so last night,
i went on a date,
this man made me dinner,
a bubble bath was waiting for me,
candles were lit,
wine was  in my hand the moment I arrived,
in essence the perfect date.
this man,
tried his utmost best to make me feel...
comfortable.
it was in fact, by far...
one of the best dates i've been on.
but even months after your
D E A T H
YOU were the one on my mind,
floating through it like a helium filled balloon'
filling it up, expanding uncontrollably,
crowding my brain with thoughts of
how happy we once were.
this had me wondering
what if i can never
fall for someone else,
someone else... that isn't you?
what if i can never be in love again
because they won't be you?

People keep getting tired of me
then they leave
what they don't know
is that i am tired too
but i always choose to stay

like nature,
i will flow,
i will observe,
i will take from myself
and
give abundantly back to myself.
i will change but not alter.
i will rain when things get heavy.
i will  shine bright when i need to.
like the seasons,
i will go through changes from time to time
i will die over and over,
and
re grow stronger than before
i am silent magnificence
like nature
i will nurture,
i will care,
i will provide,
and i will create
like nature,
i will simply be
....

Our eyes
made love to each other
before our bodies
even dared to touch

happy
                                                                  
           ..                      sad
     angry                   ..

..
               ..                                  euphoric

anxious                 ..                happy again.

     my emotions doing parkour

Your love
touched me once
and left a mark on me
forever

Laws of the universe teaches that
like attracts like
so this is why
everytime i attract someone
they're just as broken as i am
Damaged people attract damaged people
we try and fix each other
using pieces of ourselves
and in the end
when it all goes bad
both of us are left
I N C _ M P L _ T E

You
left
me
B  
          R
O
             K  
          E  
                  N

I let you ******* truth
and in the end
all you did was
spit it out

I
was
a
fountain.

you were a drain.

my depression is like a storm cloud
slowly absorbing hurt
forming drops of pain and anxiety  
then it comes crashing down
soaking me in pain
and just when the sun starts to shine again
storm clouds begin to build again.

We got back together
and as we kissed
all i could taste on your lips
was regret

I wonder sometimes

what it must be like

to mean everything to someone

or
to
even
just
be enough

you set me on fire to keep you warm
and when i burned out
you left without a word

Sometimes
i wish we could just forget each other
so we can meet again for the first time

sad to think about
the only flowers i will ever receive
will be the ones placed on my grave

how can i be afraid of monsters
when i once loved one?

the feeling of
your love
your caring
your anger even
the sensation of  
your touch
your smell
your taste even
i just miss you
so so much

You Feel Right To Me

Like
Naked
Skin
on
Silk
Blankets

I fell
I crashed
I broke down
I cried
I crawled
I hurt
I surrendered
and then...
I rose
I rose again

i
will
take
the
homophobic
slurs
you
spat
at
me
and
smear
them
across
my
cheeks
like
war
paint

my roses
are dead
and my voilets
never grew

because smiling and saying i'm fine
is easier than trying to explain to you what i feel inside
this is why i'd rather lie
than try to explain why i wish i had died

i'm so blunt
you could smoke
my truth.

H - E
E - A
A - R
R - T
T - H

if i knew then that i'd be this lonely
i
never
would've
left
you
this loneliness is killing me slowly
ripping my fragile heart
into a million pieces

your memory  
is
now
my enemy

i cry all night
but smile all day
i drink to take the pain away
i smoke my lungs black
and contemplate
throwing myself off a building
wouldn't that be great?

i sit and think...
is my life even worth living?
how can it be if its so unfulfilling
i contemplate and take another drag
and think about how i'm just another ***
how i'll always be alone
and how i want my life to be over and done.

i think about loneliness
and how it makes me feel
i think about the times i spent
thinking love was real
i think i want to give up
i don't want to live it up

i'd be lying if i said
i  miss you
i'd be dying if i
stayed with you
i'd be crying if i
never left you
but now i'm smiling
because i finally
dumped you

from the moment i saw you
i knew you were something amazing
like a rose growing from concrete
you pushed your way through the dark
and into the light of day.

the fire in my heart
melted the ice in yours
the dribbles trickled down
into me and put my fire out.

i drink because it brings back memories
and memories bring back you
...

me loving you
was me sealing my fate
you slowly turned up the heat
little by little
and like a frog,
i was oblivious
to the fact
that you were slowly
boiling me alive.

The worst part of it all
is feeling this pain in my heart
and not knowing
who it belongs to

i bought a vacuum sealer today
not for food
for you
for your clothes
you died before we did your laundry

your smell lingers on the ***** shirt
your intoxicating smell
your smell i will never smell again

i bought a vacuum sealer today
not for food
for you
for your clothes
vacuum sealed to keep your smell forever
because i can never let go

i miss the old me
the happy me
the driven me
the ambitious me


the me i was before you
the me you broke into pieces
the me that will never return