Sunday morning
Let the Hallelujahs
Come
And let my
Grandma
Tell me
Im a sinner
And im lost
As if
I
Dont
Already
Know

Tea has never tasted
So **** bitter
No amount of
Sugar
Or
Honey
Can drive out
This harsh
Biting taste
That will forever be on my tongue
Because
Of
You

1.
Lips
Hold my hips
Losing grip
And if your hand
slips
I wont
Complain.

2.
Eyes
Social ties
Alabis
Darkerlies
Matching
the darkness
Of your eyes

3.
Hands
Hear the bands
Making us dance
And sing
Together
Roaming, finding
Break the wall dividing
Touching
Until
Wevare
Numb

4.
Thighs
Drawing eyes
Revealing lies
Holding
Virtue.
Fingers graze
Mind in a haze
The final
Step
Is

5.

Its taken me this long
To realize
To understand
That not every moment
Needs to be shared
To be great

But it might be better
If it were
Because great moments
Alone
Are still
Never as great

Im so independent
I dont need anyone
For anything
But i want someone
For everything.

You just seem so sure.
Of this.
Of us.
Meanwhile im over here
waiting on my wings
to pick up wind
and waiting on you to be
disappointed
because ive engraved the words
"disappoint or be disappointed"
into my brain
with sword of experiences
and i just dont see
how youre so sure
and calm
while im
just
*******
terrified

Adrenaline
And
Shaky hands
And i guess im not so good.

Im insecure
But you want more
And
I dont know what i can give.

You dont care
About my flaws
You
Have
A goal
In mind

Easy come
Easy go
Im afraid
Thats
Exactly
What
Youll
Do.

Ive never had anything
Worth breaking my heart
And dont you know
That breaks it
All the more

Wrapped in your scent
I think of then
I think what could have been
If i had felt something more
If loving people wasnt a chore
I wish i could do more
We
Could have done more
But oh
Love is a bore

No

Love is fire
We were rain
Love was never
Part of our game
Your name
It sends chills down my spine
And no
Not the good kind

We were wet
Sloppy
Gross
And you loved the most
I was new to this feeling of comfort
Comfort
Was it comfort?
Was it comfort that kept me up at night
Wondering if my head was alright
Wondering if i was holding you tight
Enough?
Because you never seemed ok
With my selfish
Distant ways
And i never knew what to say
To do
How to act

But today
Holding your essence
In the naked palm
Of my hand
I felt that slighy
Small
Maybe

We could have been something someday

Eternal **** Buddy
Wakes up early
We roll around
In bed

Id get up
Make a cup
But he plays
With my head

He's my *******
At 2 am
Whe the liquor
Fills my blood

The coyote ugly
Try to crawl
But the boy
... Hes good

He pulls you in
Oh so easily
Doesnt even try
Yet he gets to me

Eternal **** Buddy
Hes always down
Screaming NO
just makes empty sound.

My nail polish
peels
like wallpaper
on a dead house

and i suppose
thats
what i am
a dead house

decrepit and torn
broken
down and old
from 16 years

of broken mentality
***
******-manically wanted
Lips, Hips, thighs.

But what if thats
gone
and my wallpaper is
peeling like ripe fruit

And I sell myself again
I dive in
and forget
I don't know how to swim
and I drown
in 2 inches
of water
and I jump
and forget
I cant fly
and I don't know
why we don't know
we're falling
Until we hit the ground

Raindrops
She tells the woman on the phone about the cancer
And how much she makes
And how much i cost
Tiny Raindrops
She has a stone voice and i can see she has water eyes
The test results came back for her
A million tiny raindrops
And i cant see
A million tiny raindrops on the windshield
Im not worried about seeing the road

Ive never slept so well
before going to sleep
thinking of you

and I guess this
is what Love
feels like

your hoodie
my time
and our lips

traded

and I don't miss
my time
because I know

its safe in your care
just as I am
and you in mine

and I want to
wake up beside
you

and sleep
with you
too

My chest is so heavy
My eyes are blurry with strain
My back is breaking with expectations
And I can't bear all this pain
I'm treading in a lake of pressure
And I dont think anyone knows
That I'm struggling for every breath
Barely keeping water out of my nose

I think about it
I think about it
I think about it
Sitting here with you
I think about it
I feel shame
I think about it
I feel hate
I think about it
*** has changed
I think about it
Sitting here
With a smoke in my hand
A coffee on my lips
And I think about it
I think about it
Red light
Worst night
Too drunk
and I think about it
Not my house
Not my friends
Making out
God I think about it
Studying
Writing
I think about it
Red light
Worst night
I think about it

Mean ole mister
Never loved no one
Held his heart on his belt
Right next to his gun
Spat tobacco
On the blood red dirt
Didnt give a ****
Who the hell he hurt
Cant call mommy
When the pen fails the sword
Cant run to daddy
With no apologetic word
Give me a hand
Ill give you an arm
Take away my eyes
And your's'll come to harm
Mean ole mister
Knows what he does
Just getting by
Anyway he must
He learned that momma
Dont give a ****
He learned that daddy
Likes his mean hand
Youve gotta be tough
Hold up your own
Youve got to make sure
Through out life youve grown
Mean ole mister
Might make you cry
But mean ole mister
Sure as hell knows why

Control freak
to
control freak
This will be a duel
Your hand
in
my hair
Using me as your tool

Youll tell me
What to do
Ill manipulate
The scene
Youll be
the cruel master
But youll never
Be mean

I can play
the kitten
Harmless
Just wanting
to play
And then youll
Lose control
From the ***** things
I say

Everyone is high
On self pity and
Hate
Self diagnosed with
A terrible
Fate
No one knows
How to be sad
Without writing it off
As extraordinarily bad
Happiness isn't
A permanent gig
It's always there
If you bother to dig
Everyone is sad
Because the world is ****** up
And no one dares
To see the good stuff
A world of pessimism
Breeds angry babes
And they all start to believe
Theres no Other way
So load up on drugs
Get high in the rest
Because that's when the world
Looks its ******* best
No one was taught
How to smile
Despite the world
Looking dark for a while
So we all slit our wrists
And demand sympathy
From a world that never cared
If you were down on your knees

I
Am awkward
And jumbled

I fit together
Like sticks
And stones
With childs elmer glue

Like a macaroni smiley face
With the edges all wonky

And you say my "curves" are beautiful
But i say my "angles" are awkward
Too sharp
My hips
Too prominent

You can see my collar bone
For miles
My ribs are
All too
There

My skin has become transparent
My veins
An ugly blue
My freckles
Out of place
I just dont know what
To do

Im a scarecrow
Of human peices
Individually
Good
But sow me together
I dont quite fit

I
Am awkward
And jumbled

Ranting raving
Lunatic
The way you hold
Yourself is
Sick
No respect
Lack of love
Bowing down
When push
Comes to
Shove
I cant be your
Boat
When your
Anchor
Sinks
I cant
Sugarcoat
What
I
Think
Youre bitter
Malicious
Angry
Sore
This way
Of thinking
Is
A bore

Cages
And my ears itch
Cages
And my eyes twitch
Dirt
On a solid floor
Blood
On an iron door
I can't think about it
I cant leave
I try to be content
But I am restless and afraid
And your hugs they feel like cages
And I my mouth anticipates
And my lips are always dry
And my mouth swells in size
Because touching burns like acid
Kissing tastes like it too
And I can't help but try
And escape from this life with you
And I see
Cages
Around my life
I feel
Dirt
Between our skin when we touch
And my
Blood
Tries to leave my body
Because your affection becomes too much
And I don't know
When I became scared
I don't know when
I lost that flame
But I feel
Cages
Dirt
And blood

Tracing shapes
My hands
Feel cold
Car seats
Rides
Outside
My makeup is
Too thick
And your
Mind
Is choking
Your sense
Mutual desire
But singular
Pleasure
Depression
On both ends

Going to sleep
With *** on my lips
You on my mind
And bruises on my hips

I cant tell
If i have no self respect
Or maybe my mentality
Is just wrecked

Or maybe this is healthy
The entertain and please
After all im a ****
And you have needs

What a perfect match
I have what you want
But I dont want anything
Isnt that just hot

I dont even ******* know
Who the hell i am

The track is
Sk-
I-
Pin-
Ski-
Ski-
Ski-
Skipping
Like the thoughts in my brain
And the flat line sounds like my heart

I try to choose kindness
I try to take deep
breaths
and let my anger wash out

But, my there are wasps in
my brain

there is a buzzing
hot
hot
heat
settled where my neck and head
meet

I swim laps in the pool
I walk the road and back
I hope that maybe I will
make it back
kinder

I walk foot trails with
my son
the leaves casting dappled light on his gold-spun hair
I feel my chest break at the sight
He is so kind but he is mine
will he feel this buzzing

will it lead him to break every day
I try to quiet my voice so
he doesn't learn
to yell

but I never learned quiet.
I am teaching myself. I am learning
He is patient with me
that is not his job

I see the sun on his hair
He jumps on my back in the pool
he giggles and wails
love incarnate

I think I will remember these times most
I will feel nostalgia bathed in dappled gold
when my bones are brittle and old
when I have finally learned
to quiet the buzzing

but will it be too late
will his giggles cease
will his small hands turn into fists
will he become me

I am teaching myself. I am learning.
I hope he is learning too
I hope he is seeing me try, seeing me take deep breaths
seeing me scramble for kindness
kindness!
I thrash against these angry chains and I hope he knows

but
I watched my father thrash his whole life
It is how I knew to try
I still carry his anger in me like
like wasps in my brain

I choose kindness
I take deep breathes
I swim laps and walk trails
I hope that kindness will
chose me back

My feet long to walk
Until i reach the ocean
Where only a boat
Might take me further

My old habits
Catch me
By the hair

I
Feel
Like running
Away

This night is cold
Colder than anything
But maybe if you
Were warmer

Id Actually
Want
To
Stay

No
No
No

I cant
Blame
You

Its me.
It has always
Been me.

Im afraid of words
Because i live
In their power

Love
Holds far
Too much
Pain

If i could live by the ocean
Maybe
Maybe id stay

Be it caution
Or jealousy
Who does he see
When he looks at me

Roses are red
I'm done

I'm so tired of these same four walls.
Chalky and full of everything
I want and fear.
These walls know me
Like nothing else does
And yet they confine me
I want out
This is a comfort zone
I'm not getting anywhere.
I want to break out
And just be crazy
I want to know my dreams
I want these walls
To know a girl
Who is NOTHING
Like me

I only write when I'm lonely
Only sing when I'm alone
Only talk to
A chosen few
And I never get to moan

I don't have a muse
Aside from idleness
I don't have a home
Just temporary nests
I don't know anyone
I just think I do
Like I used to think
That I knew you

I'm lonely quite often
Even though im surrounded
I'm never content with my lovers
No matter how good they did

stringy hair and mixed up feelings
too much makeup and healing scars
no time to worry about capital letters
when im concerned for my health

financial aid and stress management
my dad likes the army a lot
my mom wants me to go to savannah
so she can visit the beach

My brother thinks im a ******
who cant roll out of bed
and maybe I could stand
to work out some

im a bit of a narcissist
**** how do you spell narcissist
anyway, im an attention *****
and ill tell you your pretty to hear you tell me I am too

but don't tell anyone
theyd say "no! youre nice."
im a *****
stop being a sycophant

Don't tell me im pretty
someone should slap me
I abuse everyone who loves me
because I like that I can

stop letting me
tell me off
or don't
because I like this power

but that's beside the point
im rambling about myself again
narcissism
its a problem

Daddy says don't swear
then tells me im not worth ****
but not in those exact words
irony all the same

and wouldn't they like to know
im not so innocent
11 years old in the mouth
but I know my way around a man

My friends don't suit me
I hate all of their jokes
I hate myself when im with them
and I hate them even more

they may read this
less bridges to burn I suppose
extra matches to light on your sandpaper hands baby
god I love those hands

the only person I never hate
and the only person I always love
I don't know how you did it
but I love you and all your fantastical clichés

this poem is long now
no one will bother to read
a long poem about
a boring girl and how shes a two faced *****

I hope this message
gets across

When im home alone
I like to walk outside
In the middle of the yard
And hear everything

Theres so much to see
To hear
When no one
Is there to speak.

I hear poetry
In the christmas carols
Ringing from the houses
All around me

From the train
Roaring away
Just down the street
From my small existence

The baseball feild
Is illuminated
And the cheers ring
Over the line of trees

And everything
Around me
Is so
Alive

How can i dare
To believe im anything
Next to this universe
Of noise and life

Who knows why

Who knows why
He chose her
Who knows why
She wants him

Maybe its because
When she looks in the mirror
She isnt afraid
of what she sees

Maybe its because
She needs to feel needed
By someone shes above
Because she feels so low

Maybe its because
I'm too scared
To feel self respect
When my back has boot prints

Who knows why
It only hurts
When the hot water washes
Over me at 1AM

Who knows why
I can feel everything
so much that
I dont even care

i like pop music
some oldies too
i dont like Mudhoney
but you do

I like rivers
I like the ground
you get thrills
im safe and sound

I like Disney
I like Pixar
You like pulp fiction
its just who we are

im not obscure
ive tried to be
its not who i am
its not who ill be

this isnt an attack
just recognition
of who i am
of what im missing

im trying to fit in
but thats not what im about
i dont get along
with the out crowd

i dont get cult movies
or grungy rock bands
it doesnt make me
less than i am

i like classic poets
but moderns good too
but i dont get those poets
you watch on youtube

maybe i thought
i could learn or understand
but im beginning to see
thats just not who i am

this is a message
or maybe just a thought
i had to say it
im all i got

ill still try to watch your movies
ill listen to your bands
ill try to get it
ill try to understand

i dont always get you
but boy do i try
i guess im just tired
of trying to lie

No matter how i delude myself
How many distractions
I cant get away

My mind is screaming terrible
Awful nasty things
And im locked inside

I used to not be this way
I was happy at one point
Now ill do anything
To stop it

If i give myself away
Its because your
gross sounds
Sound better than nothing at all

If i talk on a bad day
Its because im
Losing sense
And control

I need noise on the outside
To reasure my brain
That it wont fall apart
That maybe im still sane

And ill tell everyone im better
When in fact
Ive never been worse

I cant shake these voices
Its like im carrying
Some brutal curse

I keep trying to write
About us mostly
But i cannot
Fathom words
To tell about
This feeling in my chest
And this wrenching of my gut
And how the idea of
This nausea
Is so good
And i cannot
Write into life
How my skin is bursting
When i read your name
Or when i see you
And feel you
And how everything
Every being
Every particle
Every small microscopic
Atomic
Piece of me
Is whispering
Your name

And just like a lightswitch
Im over it. Over you.

It's not a bad dream
It's not heartbreak
But I crawl to you
All the same
2 years old
Or 18 more
It's automatic
I'm at your door
Sleepy eyes
Blink up at me
Worry and question
"What do you need?"
I just pull back the covers
Climb in beside you
You never minded
No matter my mood

I dont care

My throat clogs
Breathless
Tears

I dont care

Angry thoughts
Pacing feet
Pain

I dont care

Mental whispers
Next to silent screams
Emotionless

I dont care

It hurts
My wrists
My hips

I dont care

Music louder than
Thunder
Dancing

I dont care

Laughing too loud
Smiling to everyone
My teeth grind

I dont care

I think im nostalgic for life
Through music
And books
Because i havent lived
A day of my life

No one really lives
In this town

And i think im poetic
Because im homeless
But i live in a house
But im not
Im not poetic
Im just a brat

New York is for the lonely
In their tiny loft spaces
Out in the streets
Dancing to a
Lonely beat
A busy city
To hold the lie
That you have
Everything
Leave your bed
Cold at 2am
And hear
The city
Sing

California is for the sad
Looking for a sunny
Good time
Never looking behind
Everything
Sublime
Jump on a plane
To go down the street
Just be very careful
About what you eat

Tennessee is for the angry
Rednecks with
Loaded guns
Searching the horizons
For mountains
And faded suns
Roam the small town sidewalks
Meet everyone you know
Go home and drink some whiskey
Drown the rage. Dont show.

I never met a man
Who only wanted me
He always wanted a side
Of whiskey with his tea
Crazy with the sweet
Strong with the weak
I guess im not well rounded
Neither bold nor meek

I never met a woman
Who knew how to love a man
Without fire in her fist
And a gun in her hand
Defensive and insecure
Scared to love at all
Ruining what they wanted
To run before theyd crawl

You cannot look into my eyes without seeing burning, lustful sparks
Filled to bursting
With what you want
To be love

But all i see
Are limp
Loveless
Ponds
Algea
*******
Them

I bet your personality
Can fit between your *******
I can find your smile
Drooling between your legs
Show me how you dance
Sitting on my lap
Your laughter is contagious
Your moans are a thunder clap

Carnivorous and hungry
Can you handle me
I dont know what
This night will be

Tell me about your family
While i pull your hair
Is this your favorite band?
What else will you share?
Be my barbie doll
Be my sweet ****
**** me with love
Ill just take the ****

I spend 3-4 hours a day watching a man swim laps
Back
And
Forth
Back
And
Forth
And then im called to
The hospital
To see my Pappa
And im watching the same thing.
A man going
Back
And
Forth
Back
And
Forth
Dying
Going round in circles.
Dying
Dying
**Dying

****

Im sick

I have been
for a long time
My stomach
Has never felt right

My mind
has never settled
My nerves
Always jumbled

In sore heaps
My bones lie dry
Beneath a tarp
Of scarred skin

Maybe sick is
the wrong word

Im wrong

Everything about me
Falls into the wrong place
Nothing matches up
On my disorganized face

Im physically uncomfortable
In my own skin
I want to rip it off
And regrow it again

Maybe the problem
Is in who ive made myself
Maybe i dislike
What ive portraited to everyone else

So maybe i should try
And take apart my mind
And regrow my very being
From my center. From inside.

I'm just waiting for something
that takes my breathe away
something beyond shredded
couch cushions and New Jersey TV
I want to see Mountains in the fullness of their splendor
I want these dirt roads to mark the place
where I first made love to a boy who broke my heart
I want to see the sky from eye level
without crying because I'm afraid of heights
I want to swim in water so deep
That the sharks get scared to dive there
I just want to be fearless
irrationally brave
unbelievably foolish
because my whole life up until now
has been so practical
Lack luster
uninspired
its hard to find a muse
in polos and khakis
and I'm tired of being tired
of doing nothing