Hope of forgiveness turns into disappointment.
It is bitter.
My loneliness harms me,
becoming a darkness.
Suicidal thoughts help keep the chaos away.
A sharp pain,
a broken heart startled into awareness.
I flinch visibly.
Horribly ashamed,
I find I've gotten lost,
with no one to find me.
I blame only myself.

I met with a man today,
although
not so much a man as….
a boyish adult.

He told me he liked me,
or perhaps “loved” would be
a better description.
I was showered with things that most
people would love to hear constantly:

Compliments.

I…..am not one of those people.

Now, that’s just the oversimplified version.
A more detailed explanation would go like this:
I met with a man today,
although
not so much a man as…
a boyish adult.

We went out for lunch,
and left there around five hours later.
For the first three,
we were doing all right.

Managing to have pleasant conversation
we even discussed our views on religion.
The last two hours
however
I am not sure how I managed to endure.

He told me he had "fallen in love with me",
and that every word I spoke had him falling deeper.

I explained that I have absolutely zero interest in any such things
(love, romance, all that jazz other people crave,
you know how it is)
I however, am not capable of feeling those sorts of attractions.
(don't want to be either)

As I spoke, he would reply by saying he was falling harder...
that I was pretty, handsome, cute, beautiful….etc.
Not a word of what I said went into his head.
And I knew it from the expression on his face,
that I was only being viewed as something to conquer.
To…..”fix”.

That made the compliments even worse.

*I hate compliments to begin with,
at least ones in regards to my appearance.
For me, they are one of the worst triggers
on my extremely long list.
So is being treated like I’m broken.

the power of music
collides with tragic symphony
into the depths of humanity
through the harp and electric guitar
the piano and the violin
harmonized by screams and cries
for help, for love, for laughter

you say to smile, and then you hit me
these contradictiing words screaming through my head
as my cheek stings from the blow of your hand

we break and fall apart
and sometimes burn to ashes
but again I come back together
unable to escape the pain

the emptiness inside me
begs to be called free
somebody please come save me
from this menace heart

why won't he just leave me be
alone in the dark
to rot in this hallway
I start burning in my sleep

He comes to save me
from the flames of death
crying that he's sorry
and bringing me outside

We go to his house
the safest place right now
He is sweet to me
being kind that night

Then in the morning
he hits me again
and knocks me out
it's the last I can take
I barely make it through

I wake briefly to see his face
shining wet with tears
saying that he's sorry
once again

I weakly lift my hand
to touch him gently
on the cheek
and tell him I love him

Then I disappear
from his world of life
and such is this
a bittersweet ending of love

Watching my life go by,
I wonder why nothing happens.
The world spins and people rush.
I wonder why
they don't slow down,
or enjoy the moment.

The sun shines bright,
and the flowers bloom.
Trees are green and
I just laugh.

All I want to do is stop somebody,
show them how to enjoy life
to smell the fresh spring air,
to see the beauty of it all.
I know that they'll see someday
that there's nothing that can ruin it.

They just be happy and laught
till they cry and dance for joy.
Then we'll hug eachother
and fall in love.

We'll go around and change the world
making it a happier place
We'll end the wars and then we'll
run through fields of grass.
And my legs will be shaking.
and her arms will be trembling
but we both have smiles in our eyes.

The Christmas tree is lit
a talent show begins.
I am next.
I speak and read
a poem I call "Hope."
The audience applauds.
Others go up and
some come back down.
Some leave.
Singing love songs,
making jokes,
they perform in various ways.
I am next again,
for the second and
the last time.
I sing of greed,
war, violence, and cruelty.
When I am finished
there is silence.
Complete, heavy, prolonged.
And then,
applause breaks out.
Loud, enveloping, appreciated.
Two others goes up.
And then,
it is over.

There's no room for happiness
in this crowded mind of mine
where decentralized ideations
push and shove to be at the forefront
squashing any small hope for anything else
to move or scream its way in.

Annoying streetlights outside windows
penetrating the all-consuming darkness
that serves as my consciousness.
Illuminating the nightmares with vivid detail.

Nightmares reflecting horror
in gruesome images of conquest,
of demons breaking free.
There are no boundaries here,
in the place I call my mind.

******, suicide, ****, assault.
All of these take place with the
frequency of glass shattering from
a high pitched note,
held for the longest time,
falling toward a field of spears.

Quick, fast, sharp, and pure
Welling, swelling, flowing red
dark and lovely
crimson deep
the kiss of a dying rose.

The silent weeping of a wilting flower
bringing the final snap
that ends a life.

Dark secrets must not be told,
else utter madness descend.

Unpredictable, lonely,
thrown in on one's self.
Pointless fear, insane...
alive?
Or already consumed by anger.

A dark abyss, forever empty,
where love is lost, confused.
It cannot be found, yet cannot die...

Fading from memory.

The world is just such a cruel place, full of malice and chaos. Every day is passing slowly, moving from time to time. A rose bleeds with sorrow and loneliness. The rainshowers of today instead happen tomorrow, so the world burns. This hatred leads us forward, and army united. The edge of the blade takes away the pain, becoming the way of my life. The blood as it flows is everything ebbing away. My heart is kept alone. I lay on my side, missing your comfort, with my thoughts full of you. A bitter weight presses down, breaking my spirit, and I fly towards the sea, searching endlessly.

Here goes another round. Throw me to te ground, and watch me as I fall, smashing my head against the door. Speak your words of hate, tell me I'm worthless, as you tear at my face. I scream, as these tears fall from my eyes, for you to stop. Daddy's little girl, that's what you always say, but when it came to reality, it didn't seem that way. A rag doll, that's all I ever was to you. When they see all the bruises, you say I fell, then alone at home you cry and ask forgiveness, which I always somehow give. A battered mind and soul, counting all the cuts and bruises, taking their toll. Everything you did is something that will never mend. So here I lay on the ground where you left me, waiting hopelessly for this life to end.

Keep on going, going deeper, till the world disappears. Images are blurring, their speed increasing. Temperature is rising, so go faster, until you're oblivious to the people around you. Jump off the edge, pushing off hard and going far out over the ground, far below. Fly across the sky, as free as the winds. Don't let the height scare you, embrace the exhilarating joy of falling, with no one to catch you. Hot the ground, bones breaking, while someone calls 911. Wake up to see flashing lights, and people lifting your body. You watch as they take it away, and float away, already gone.

Don't eat, don't sleep. Never speak a word in your defense. Paper thin, easy to break, easy to lose. Never daring to disturb the silence. Staying empty, no matter the consequence, no matter the pain. Despite the temptation of sweet sleep, you stay awake. Dark circles envelope hollow eyes, within a sunken face. A voice so weak it is unable to make a sound, cries out. She's so faint. He's so thin. They're both so tired, they disappear completely.

We don't want to eat
We don't want to sleep.
She doesn't want to speak
She doesn't want to exist.

We want to be empty
We want to stay awake.
He wants to be silent
He wants to disappear.

An unspoken agreement
two thoughts shared.
A touch of hands
the end of lives.

Stuck inside a box of glass
surrounded by mirrors
and only seeing reflections of myself,
unable to see or know the outside world.

Feeling the stares of unknown,
invisible passerby.
Being viewed from every side and
angle, except below.
My time is frozen,
always the same,
while reality goes ever faster onwards.
Society comes and goes, but I cannot leave.

Trapped in this cage of glass
alone and isolated
yet surrounded by the world.

An endless vortex of uncertainty.

One day I'll be happy
One day I will cry
Perhaps I'll even scream out
so that I am heard

Tomorrow I will run away
so tha tI can come back
on another day
Today I'll make a cherry pit
to celebrate the eve of my goodbye

Because, you see,
we're only as happy
as our hearts will let us be
and we're only as sad
as the world makes us seem

So then on Friday I'll come back
after that we'll see
just how happy we all can be
Oh, we'll have a giant celebration then
because we made teh world see
what it's like to be
happy

Houses keep falling down
flatlands of dirt and crumbling dust
the ground stained red with avaricious blood
soaked up by tree roots
plaguing our minds
tendrils creeping like veins
out our fingers and toes
sinking into the earth
pricking like knives through our skin

I am an artist who is lost within the echoes of their thoughts
and wandering in the darkness of their clouded mind.
I often wonder when I'll escape from this black pit
known as my past and present.

For love is not a violent thing, nor disparate in its act.
Anger, pain, and solitude
Are the walls of my protection;
With depression and desperation the depthless pit behind.

Break down these walls with gentleness and grit,
And bridge the gap through kindness and understanding.
Unlock the cage made of golden bars;
Release the love and tenderness within.

Wary be those who try to claim for selfishness and spite
For obstacles rebuild again
With rage and vengeance the guardian spears.

I'm sorry if I made you cry
I'm sorry if I hurt you
I'm sorry if you hate me now
I'm sorry

I'm sorry if I made you sad
I'm sorry if I broke your heart
I'm sorry if you're bleeding now
because of what I've done

I'm sorry that I'm such a ****
I'm sorry that I still love you
I'm sorry that you can't forgive me
I'm sorry that you died

I'm sorry.....

I fall into an endless abyss,
with a broken heart.
A string of words fly out my mouth,
slamming into you.
My arm goes numb from too much pain,
from too much blood released.
My mind goes,
wondering why you said it.
My eyes cast down,
the smile disappears.
Forever.

The lines in my hands
tell you their wisdom
while the tears in my eyes
tell you I've cried

The things they've done
and what they've seen
haunt me by day and night

While fireflies go across the sky
My regrets and mistakes crowd in
choking me and making me disappear
beneath their heaving darkness

A ****** cross
is all I see
condemning me to silence
for eternity

Without a voice
without a word
I become invisible

I'm so sick of it,
The scorn, the hate.
One in your voice,
The other in your eyes.
So condescending in one moment,
gently the next.
I hate it!
Whenever you want something,
You whine like a small child,
After they've already said they didn't want it.
You'll never really be an adult,
No matter how old you get.
Always criticizing,
Making comlpiments meaningless.
Cold, harsh, calculating;
You never know when to stop,
Even when people tell you.
Your kindness is annoying,
Beacuse I know it's fake.
I know you want to hurt me,
but, and yet, you don't.
Often I want to hit you,
Just to make you stop;
Or take a knife to my throat,
Just to make it end.
There are times I think
I love you
But I know that they are false,
Because it just turns back to hating you.
You'll never understand
The things that I have felt,
So don't bother trying to figure me out.
I don't care how you feel,
I don't care what you want.
Just please forget me,
And stop worrying.

Makes us sing
about how we feel,
and makes us see in color.

Makes us feel what others do,
sad, angry, happy, and even peaceful.
Never destroy's anything,
hearts and souls of
friends and foes.

Makes us dance,
or feel energized enough
to run a mile
in someone else's shoes.

Makes us love,
Makes us touch our hands,
Don't let the music stop.
Can't let these feelings end.
Else it'll all be over
and we'll never see them again.

It's too loud to act upon inspiration.

Silence cannot be gained when humans are awake.

Useless talking and a response of irritation.
Talking commences and whining ensues.

Just shut up already.  You have no point.

Why are you still making noise.

Go to sleep and stop hanging around me,
creating bothersome sound and pushing me around.

Silence falls when humans sleep,
the world comes back to life while minstrels weep.

If you asked any of my peers from the schools I went to
From elementary up through high about me
You would possibly be surprised as to how many
Never even knew my face.
My name.
The fact that I even existed.

So…..forgotten was I, that I didn’t even show up
In yearbooks.
Though I had my picture taken every year.

A mere six months after high school,
And the people who did know me have
Mostly forgotten.
Say my name, and they may recognize it briefly
However that’s as far as that recognition will go.
Only a name.
Even then they’ll be uncertain.

I have no redeeming qualities that would
Come to mind nor imagination.
I was just a sheep, following the herd.
And yet, I’m always lost to vague memories
Of things that likely never happened.

Often the only way to even be noticed
Was to do something considered wrong.
Crazy. Immoral.
And then I would be told that if I wanted attention,
That I was going about it all wrong.
That doing as I had been,
Being invisible,
Was the right –no…correct- way to get it.

If you ask the teachers and principles, they’d all only say I
Was a “problem child.”
Yet, I never did drugs or such things
And never got into fights.
The only time I was a “problem” was when I tried
To change my own situation through means that
People would actually pay attention to.

With public schools,
It takes violence and immorality to get things to change,
For people to finally listen to what you are saying.
Now, I’m not promoting such things.
However in my experience
Diplomatic talks have never actually accomplished anything.
At least not in regards to dealing with adults.
Whether you’re eighteen or eight,
Adults will likely ignore your existence till you
Make them listen.

These people, with their ignorance and stiff minded ways,
Are why our societies and governments are so corrupt and immovable.
Even when you find a person who listens just a little bit,
They never really hear what you say.

So when people say I had so much potential,
So much to live for,
All they’re doing is lying to themselves
And saying they had no part in any of it.
That they were always there for me to talk to,
Except they really weren’t ever there.

Either way, no one really listened to what I had to say.

Why does it hurt so much when you're forgotten completely by someone who used to greet you so cheerfully.
Who showed up in a dream and is someone you, since long ago, haven't seen.
One of the few people you hoped would not so easily let the memory of you slip away.
Everybody falls in love, one way or another.
Friendship, romance, nostalgia, feelings long since past,
glimpses of a memory.
Even in this big wide world full of people, we each are stuck alone in our own realities.
No matter what we may try to change that.

Rapidly spiraling
down,
down,
always downward.
Never up.
Envisioning in my mind
of blood running down my arm
my face
my stomach
my legs & ankles.
Feelings of nothingness.
Wanting to cry, throw up,
and turn away with guilt and regret.
Suicidal Tendencies come forth,
beckoning and pushing me away
from the temporary refuge
I had inexplicably found in dreams.
Regrets pile up around me
little post-it notes on the walls
covered in despair and insanity.
Incomprehensible thoughts running through my head
screaming in agony I bleed
scarlet rivulets create a river of inconsistencies.

It's beautiful, the red,
dripping down my arm.
Joining and splitting,
like a river with many divides.
It's all I see.
No matter where I look,
it's there.
The beautiful red.
It seeps down through the water,
turning the light blue into a dark, dark pink.
My life's pain and worries slipping away.
Finally it stops.
And I clean it.
Then another dream of nightmares comes into reality.
And everything starts over.

In this bleak room
with almost darkness all around me
fading with time as both moon and
lamplight filters through,
I think about the things I'll never have.

The other people here say
I will one day have these things,
say that I only think this way
because of my supposed disorders.

I disagree, but instead I say
that both ideas are side-effects of dying.
Everything is.

Depression, ADHD, Borderline Personality
Disorder, and many other 'disorders,'
as well as other, more 'normal' things,
are side-effects of dying.

Even the act of being alive is a side-effect of dying.

Everyone's stomping about
heaving a long-winded sigh
looking weary, exhausted, deplete.
Garage door slowly creaks and whines open
someone leave
garage door closes.
Silence ensues
crickets chirp their nightly song.
A fool comes down
making endless, vein-throbbing noise.
Make it go away.
Disappear.
Bring back the peace of silence.

The cold rush of water hitting the bottom of your stomach
Knowing nothing but the uncertainty of no emotions
Being frozen in space,
while meaningless images, thoughts, and sounds whirl around you
The verge of depression,
or perhaps the unknown afterwards
The feeling before and after crying
Or before you fall asleep

broken
hollow
empty and alone
I feel cheated
as if something was stolen
inventory
things are missing
a heart
a soul
a life 
a laugh
a smile
a chance
they are gone
everybody is hiding something
never trust again
never love a human being again
wings spread out
flaring behind my back
sitting
fetal position
hands covering ears
tear silently falling
who knows
there may not be a future
a knife lifts up
glass shatters
I am dead
and then there is white
all around
everywhere
silence
peace
calm
sadness
indeed I am truly dead
for that is what comes after death
whiteness
it's over
I'm falling apart
we will never be together.

The light from below
shines up above,
seeking the savior
she once was.

Reaching for love,
hope, and safety
while under the gloom
of danger and lies.

No one will come
she thinks with lost hope
when the dark goes away
and light softens day.

Her heart,
once so kind,
now hides in a cage
made of thorns and regret.
No promises made to be kept.

Lost from her slef
by the ****** and theft,
she begs to be strong
like that which she was.

Weak in her posture,
strong in her faith,
she cries out with anguish
at those who have left.

Though no one is waiting,
and no one alive,
she leans forward to kis them
a loving goodbye.

Rsing in glory,
her sadness her strength,
she leaps forward in heaven
and angel's grace.

Looking in love
toward the battlefield below
she descend and forgives
for all the hate and deceit
while crying in sorrow
for all the lsot ones.

Then with her anger
that was towards the man
that had caused it all.

So with her sword of hatred,
and her dagger of lead,
she dove down on him
slitting his half.

For that she has fallen
and become a lost soul
for her fury had caused her
to break her own heart.

Burning

Burning it all away

Turning the memories to ashes
and the ashes into day

Burning

The flames reaching into my heart
searing the pain away

Killing the monsters inside me
making me so plain

Burning

My soul turning to glass
shattered by the heat of shame

Dwindling

My spirit dies away
as my life disappears
into the abyss

Sinking

Hope leaves
toward the ocean floor
along with love and happiness

Gone

Spirit
Life
Soul
Heart
Memories
Hope
Love
Happin­ess...

Goodbye

Take me away
to another time,
another place

Where no one died
and angels sing.
Where there is laughter
and fresh spring days.

Take me away
to another world,
another space

Where people learn
and dance with joy.
Where there is music,
and fairy tails come true.

Take me away
so I may play,
To make music ring
and people free.

All she wants to do is cry,
then painlessly die,
and wither away.
Fade into the fullness
of the backs of people's minds,
disappearing from their hearts.
Half a mind to stab herself,
half a mind to live.
Never truly sure.
Always fighting,
forever hating,
not knowing how to love,
or trust beyond a doorway.
Wishing just for silence,
but finding those moments fleeting.
Disliking herself,
and therefore loathing others.
Never really wanting,
never truly...
needing.
She has all she could ever want,
but feels it is to much.
Never having money,
never having hope.
She is indeed poor,
with a dagger through her heart.

Pure souls
untainted by hate
Transcend the heavens themselves
And become stars
taht shine brighter than the sun

Glowing in the stillness
of space
They watch
as others join them
And shine a bit brighter
afterwards

In a flash of
cosmic brilliance
They burst
creating worlds where
peace forever reigns

Disappearing in seconds
they keave behind
Awe,
         Hope,
   and Wonder.

Why do people die,
when they have something to live for?
And why do people live,
when they have something to die for?

A woman dies whe she has
children to live for,
And a daughter lives when she has
her brother to die for.

The woman dies of illness,
while her children wander homeless.
The daughter lives in sorrow,
because she could not save her brother's life.

The woman lived in poverty,
so she had no money for doctor or medicine.
The daughter loved her brother,
but it was not quite enough.

Both outcomes are sad.
The children live homeless.
The daughter is depressed

In the end, they die.

An empty house
quiet with the whispered shadows of the past
of memories twisting, jumping, laughing, and screaming in the dark.

Alone.

These loud vacancies in time,
that split and shift as though time had never frozen.
Where ghosts of feelings and happenings forget
that they have past.

Disappeared.

Underneath a thick layer of grime and dust,
unmarked for years to come, and years to pass.

Silence.

The overwhelming loneliness of a time,
a space,
a treasure trove of memories,
lost through abandonment and growing up.

Disturbed.

Briefly, quietly, by soft footsteps hiding in the dark;
taking refuge in the peace that comes with being surrounded
by those just like one’s self.
Where muffled tears may go unnoticed,
and quaking shoulders embraced by a sad feeling of nostalgia.

Sleep.

Falling gently sideways while curled up tightly,
hiding from the world a perceived weakness;
slowly,
gradually,
unwinding in a tear-stained weariness brought
upon by the harshness of our species.

Reluctance.

Stirring awake only to realize the inevitability
of going back into that cruel reality,
and wandering through the dust with a slow
shuffle,
avoiding it to the end.

Reality.

Is merely pretending to be alright,
to be perfect,
sane,
unaffected by one’s past or circumstance.
Lying to yourself until the very last moment,
but by then it’s too late.

Death.

What comes to claim us all,
no matter what we wish or who we are.
The only way to be truly free.

End.

Merely the beginning of a new story.

Being unemployed is like….

Being stuck in a hole in the ground
with a broken leg and no cell phone,
while surrounded all on sides by people who ignore
your very existence,
or treat you as if you are less than…. well…anything.

Their silhouettes casting quickly passing shadows
on the concrete around you.
No one offering you a hand.
Each time you reach out for help
you are rejected coolly and professionally.

No one wants a failure, but they also don’t
want the responsibility of helping to create a success.

The ones who do reach out for you,
don’t really care about your success or well-being.
They see a quick buck,
easy to replace or move past,
should you realize you are worth more than their
verbal abuse and manipulation.

No one wants a self-valuing person either.

They don’t even want a human,
with thoughts
emotions
and memories.

All hiring businesses want, is a robot to do their every bidding with no complaints,
no questions asked,
even if that person’s health or sanity is on the line.
Or even their life.

In a world created by ourselves, we are unimportant.