I have sent my love A letter In a sealed envelope On a wooden boat Due West Moving slowly In the fading light Gentle currents Leading it To die With the sun And enter the River of Styx In as much Turmoil and tyranny As it configured In my soul With all the anonymity And repression It encountered within My life Which rendered me Forever To be a lady That looks on afar Into the distance Knowing that All the love she ever wanted Was always across the hall And in the warm arms Of one so near Of one so Unattainable For someone Like her
I went halfway across the world Because being with you Causes A strong current To pick up The waves Lapping around The shores Of my heart And what I learnt there Is that love is but A fraction of time Adding you to me and dividing us by distance (A space too big for me to bear)
So I followed you Because you asked - Under the pretence That I yearned For the vast expanse Uninhibited To learn to be free again, But I found that your soul Was not angelic and flawless It was a myriad of a thousand sparkling shards of glass Scattered and dazzling
In the moments you were quiet I loved you On the days you were eaten by guilt I loved you On nights you were weary and ignorant I loved you And the moments when we rolled around in laughter I loved you best
But I made a promise That after this indulgence; A deluge of minutes, days and weeks spent together Cascading around me Like falling stars Dancing on the surface of my universe That it has been time Time enough That I have worshipped you As the centrepiece of my earth And you still don’t know And I still can’t tell you
I promised this would be the last time I would allow the beating of your heart To interrupt the beating of mine
I need you To give me a post mortem Please ***** my rib cage open Something has died in me But I feel it sit In the pit of my chest Coagulating Like smoke Curdling The lung tissue Please relieve me Everything’s constricting My airwaves Like I’m squeezing Through the neck of a bottle I’m cold My fingers are splintered By minus temperatures And there’s a jewellery box Playing somewhere With A ballerina Dancing around In front of the mirror
Perhaps it’s not your jealousy but mine I can’t bear that you spend time With another more than me As if hours are The recipe for attraction I’ve spent 2 years of my hours on you This trial and error period Should be over But like an automatic subscription I’m still privy to your information All your promotions And customer reviews All I ever wanted was you Just you And all you ever wanted was not Not me
I am not emotionally safe in this house One seeks to punish or ignore me because I have the power to tear him down Another competes with me like a **** for light, hungry for male attention And then there’s you The one I love in secret Sometimes the agony Is infuriating And embarrassing I’m boxed in By more than these walls
When there is no solid ground Just combination When love is abound Always conditional When emotion is potent Beyond reach When sleep beckons Nightmare days When life carries on Just suffocate - - - When the next day Never arrives When pain and fear and shame and distrust and betrayal and dissapointment and disgust for yourself sit like a ball of cat hair stirring in your abdomen. You’re lying here And wish you could be anywhere else Alone And Content Away from destructive characters Torn right out of a novel where The genre is A Psychological thriller
Do I project All my delusional dissatisfaction Onto you? Because you’re an easier target to hate Than the one I love.
If I decide The blame Lies at his feet Then it is a tomb of mine.
I have a troubled mind That seems to find a Home in hearts That do not bear the same capacity as mine Which dooms me To forever be locked inside a labyrinth Chasing something just beyond - The next corner, Which I think promises me All of the wonders my future could deserve;
Children running across the countryside with ribbons in their hair.
It all ends. Every. Time. In despair. I need to let go I need to try again To let you be a smokey wisp carried away by the winds
I do not love you Only my idea of who you could be Which is like loving a picture Of a person you’ll never meet
Attention seekers Do not care for you They are addicts Of their own inadequacies They are compelled to run at what you love In the belief they can become what you love Attention seekers Often wreak some havoc In my life I try to sidestep them But extroverts like me Entertain Entertaining company So perhaps it’s my fault all along
You covet your neighbours belongings Well I’d gladly gift you Silver and Gold But you bay for blood Aim right at the jugular But miss and puncture my heart You demand my loves attention And throw it high in the air like confetti To which you throw back your head and laugh For the crowd Well I see you cast an eye in my direction You’re searching for a tell in my composition A wince or an expression of the sick that rises in my stomach But I can’t give you that I’d rather die Than provide you with such satisfaction Basic creatures Cannot comprehend the network of conflicting and concerting virtuosos of my heart The snaps And the strings You approach with sharp scissors You can hide your malice from yourself But I Always know It’s coming
It feels like You look at me And see a finish post A thoroughbred Clearing hurdles That you are too pathetic to attempt Still you steal my paddock You prance around And around The rider And get him to choose you best But darling It only means you’re the best at performing Like a pony
I’m thirsty For a Life that throws obstacles at me. When I shall dig out the courage To dodge and conquer them In the name of progress, For some kind of benevolence That I’m not quite sure of yet.
I propel forwards Only for my eyes to meet, For my nose to graze-A ladder Appears Frozen Between me and my next step.
Who I Am
Who I need to be.
Up and down I go, Over the edge, My feet barely touch the groun d.When a phantom wheelbarrow Careers it’s way into the back Of my knees. And I must fight gravity - Jump up and out the side!
Oh, but Scrambling In this way Both thrills and stilts; Exhausts the very foundations Mighty seeds of ambition were sown on, Till there are no nutrients left In the body For a common **** Even to bloom Just T...i..r...e...d End-less-ly Tir - - - ed . .
I rest here for a while It gives me time To really look around. The man to my right Just runs around the same 400m track Every day. Every month, Into years. He seems happy But he doesn’t seem to really go anywhere New
Curiosity and discovery May lead to misery Beckon the shadowy places To spread like cancer inside of me And scoop hope Like a melon baller Out of my cavities. But the man to the right of me Never knows.
So I tell myself Maybe he doesn’t have the capacity; Does that mean That he does not feast on the senses Of each fruitful experience As I ? Dissecting every moment Searching for beauty and cruelty That I might consume its knowledge And be led somewhere Higher up To a room brimming With sisters and brothers And as I open the gold embossed doors Solid Oak I will rejoice Because I have found my people And we will fight The good fight Together.
My obsession used to be with unrequited love I’d write about the dreariness Of my unfulfilled life For days But I’m afraid now I’ve lost all imagination And I just think about death all day Every day I’m not at liberty To dream anymore Or want for anything better Just All that I have For as long as I can
How are we not all in chaos rocking back and forth in dread? Grabbing every little thing real and imagined and pulling it close to us?
Maybe we are -
It’s too hard to accept that It will All get taken away from us That Nothing will ever stay long enough The world will constantly be running off with somebody Else And you will never be quite Yourself For very long
Blackbird at first dawn Your bittersweet song Has awoken me; My entire being Rolls out Like the Bayeux Tapestry Fighting to survive Life. But now I see it After decades Oh, how - Every intricate Stitch Leads back To you
Oh, my loss - My curse
I am terrified
What am I to do? One day you will die
One day you will die And all of the songbirds May well drop from the sky too All the trees may wither and ***** My heart It’s weight Will break my back
I will not drink from the lees of life Ever again And I can’t I can’t have that Dry, burning feeling on the insides of my mouth The back of my throat Gulping emptiness Into the gut Where a pit of sick awaits Day upon days
No- it can’t be!
I refrain from loving anything And anyone Truly
How could the greatest of loves Be already upon me
What have the years woven Around my bones and my blood Involuntarily.
Oh, I do not want to look at the face Of this earth And for it to stare back at me Blindly Like an unborn child When you are no longer here I will become frail of mind
I live in fear Of the inevitable future I wake in fits of agony in the night Anxious that Without you Without the spectacular shining of your light On the dark alleyways of my soul No compass to guide No voice to console I’m just one half, of a whole.
You give me hope when the greys start to bleed through into the pure white spaces, where I hide my greatest inventions and shine the brass and copper networks of my mettle. You are the carpenter of all my broken pieces when the master of my mind takes annual leave and the control panels begin to fracture and puncture the fettle. You are my raison d'etre when the weeds and the warts of the world start to curl up my calves and strangle the song, wrapping around my hummingbird heart pulling it into the cold,silent ground. You, survive, with me.
Headaches of consequence Branch out Like the passage of time Carrying echoes of past 2ams crying on the phone Holding the pillow as close as the child that you have lost Inside Each memory like a closing bud Petals blown away circling slowly down and around being crushed onto the ground like that Winter you spent in Paris to get away from your family and their traditions Like an extradition of the soul We will stand trial on our own identities Until there is nothing left to recognise any more.
O this cruel world Leaves me thankless In all consumed love Yes it is selfish To minimise the wonders Of autumn leaves Colouring in time Of colossal seas Swarming the globe But inside Focusing really tightly On this made up world Of you and I It seems to offer me an answer To the question I’ve been asking all along: We met too soon It doesn’t matter what I feel for you because Now is wrong
Hand-crafted by some master of fine art Your soul is a tapestry of integrity and loyalty Of brutal depth And powerful honesty So few are granted access Inside But I have always seen The passionate glint in your eye Heard the symphony of hopes and fears playing its melody just outside The quiet, polite boy everyone else meets And I’ll love you for years to come I hope you never find out just how much
If you gave me watercolours and the talent to do my worst I would paint you a watery scene where the colours bleed from grey to green We would be in Venice And you would be walking away From everything we could have been
Off centre strokes a single gondola Of blue black streaks in the rain And smudged opposite A brick built opening A canal side doorway
But it leads only to the bottom of the Sile Dashing any dreams I had Of our deep connection And of minds, fertile For a love together; Of intricacy and intimacy.
Let me be your Doge’s palace Standing in honour for you, Or there will forever be a reflection on the water Of the fading light in that cold September sky The evening that could have been Not a dark but a guiding night Where our hands and our hearts Find each other And pull us up and over The limitations of my cover -
My closest friend, this is the worst; To know you Is a blessing But to love you Is a curse
I hate that I am wrapped around your finger like a pretty silver bow atop a Christmas present that’s only brought to your attention once or twice a year, Well I don’t have space for Christianity because you have become my religion and I believe in nothing but you, the very fibres of me, firing neurones and chemical matters are set in motion just by the gaseous particles that sway as you move your hand from the edge of the chair and run it through your hair, this malleable predisposition sends me into despair, I can’t even hear you compliment someone on TV I wish I was her - spirals of frustration cushioned by many memorable moments cherished with you when we are close, too close.
If I were to come to me With the things I’ve done With the things I’ve been The mistakes I hate The moves I made When all I really needed was to wait I’d say “little darling, you’re still great And it’s not too late To show them.”
If you look closely you’ll see A pattern Between those rocks Two lines One greener than grass The other a shade of grey And if you stay with it There’s a hollow space underneath Big enough to fit a metre or two Of rope ravelled There’s actually more pattern The colours more shaded And movement The original stripes gleam Away from the light above It’s a body A thick hide Of resilience And distress Seeking solace in what’s left Behind the fingerprints In a glass cage Of a zoo
Yin and yang And somehow There’s progress Slipped in between Like a debit card Swiping through the machine We pay for our sins And there’s a cost for the sun too The ultimate sum Will take us all down In a final gasp And a laugh from a clown It doesn’t matter then Whether you’ve had a crippling fear from birth of a white painted face, a ****** wig and a fabricated smile Or if you like to have them around We’ll only regret the things we didn’t do
There’s 3 left now To state their case For past and present They’re all happy to show their face One more so than others Gets up on a podium And shouts When everyone Was already Listening Hard to let it in Without the illusion of choice A soliloquy Of triumph Should be spoken alone You wonder If modesty Breeds honesty Or the other way around Or neither
In the great race of life Had I missed the starting gun? No it was much more subtle Delicate than that What does comparison serve But a hollow pit of tar and discontentment We’re all in the same race But our tracks don’t look the same Whether beast or feast For some wayward predator We’re not all looking the same way Or volunteer ourselves into the same games Hush now And let the world have its way
Theres still 5 more lives Connecting and disconnecting In this scene An American diner In south west England Sat in a booth That holds thousands of shared Experiences And narratives that only we feel With characters we played and knew There’s no stronger drug Than those things humans have collectively been through But I didn’t think of this When I looked at you Magnanimous Stupendous Gallant Eloquent I’d never seen you look this good Not in years You’ve just upgraded Your vehicle in life No paper boy bicycle Doing the rounds But a brand new direction You don’t need to worry for the next 3 years Joined a scheme that will take you where you want to be I wished it was me
7 lives Intertwined Some were breaking Now riding the wave Others were drowning Now swimming up and away There’s secrets cleaning the tables Unanswered questions serving food And I cannot comprehend the distance
We began in tandem Building this great pyramid A myriad of hope Block by block Carried by our journey to discover new lands Off the shores of collective success Together Some higher than others; All in it. With smiles And parties Tears and fears Winding along and around Working intensely Loving concepts, people, food It was just good business They say...
3 years on Time sweeps our intricate Fast paced Warped and winning Bodies and brains Under, once more, The same old roof - Oh my, how things have changed
Those men who were ringing the bells Calling the shots Trail scandals behind them Like pieces of toilet paper Still attached to their shiny, worn out shoes Are we a pleasant reminder of a band of brothers in arms A loyal family of resilient workers Who played a note or two in your orchestrated dream? Rather I fear It’s much the opposite Although we were greeted like old friends With lopsided smiles of nostalgia In the pit of my stomach (The one you used to feed) It just seemed like we were evidence of ghostly shame An unwelcome reminder of a past which tried to swallow them up for dinner A quiet embarrassment That knew it did not deserve us Like a lover who had tried to move on When we’d decided to move in next door
Where my imagination ends and you begin I do not know It’s probably in the spaces between The majestic idealistic powers I give to you as one would the protagonist in a book and the pathetic weak minded bore I see through when I’m too tired to give a **** Too tired of the back and forth Serving as a mere amusement and confidence boost Neither embracing nor rejecting Just stirring everything Slowly beneath the surface
I am another species I am nothing special You would not offer your time to me Although I’m not sure why I think sometimes I must be intimidating, intense, incomprehensible And you must be calm, certain, celebrated To act the way you do Although I’m not sure why Am I more me? Or you more I? Blurry, blotchy, blinding lines Where the edges of my perspective Meet the perimeter of your lies Or vice Versa Quite hurtful Much harder To carry on standing tall and strong When everyone I meet Makes me feel weird and wrong An alien, a wanderer, the only one It makes me leave your party That picnic in the park It’s why I leave you watching the TV Before it breaks my heart
I climbed 2000 feet To ask the sky What will become of me At the peak of a vast and mountainous wilderness It spoke to me In all it’s vividity Streams of golden orange A brushstroke of clouds spread along the horizon Like the sea And it said: That all which lies beneath us Mirrors who we do not want to become And still - You must not fear the coming day Because of what the last has done
I ran in a frenzy From the summit Down, down to the lake And as I did I passed The racing water whipping against The aged stones in its way Wide-eyed I gazed as the ground fell away And I whispered the question: How do you find your way? The waterfall it chuckled and rolled It rippled and swayed Having only one thing to say: The trick is to listen Out for directions And then To trust and to wait
I could not be saved On this wisdom alone Hours of solitude have taught me That I must clamber up many more roads And gather To assemble A home Made from what the elements have shown me And what they have yet to behold So I retreat back To the cave Of my soul Only to daydream of the next time I can exhale And escape Into the solace Of nature The real world Outside.
Sometimes you make me feel a little restless I can see it in your eyes How you don’t understand Why I can’t stay Sometimes just being there feels wrong Like you really want me to leave I can see it in your eyes And I don’t understand Just what I’ve done That’s makes you want rid of me Sometimes I feel betrayed All those 5am’s Spent talking about the future and the past You were the sunrise for me But our friendship must have fallen asleep Oh I miss those times You look like you’ve already forgotten Our memories are already rotten And have joined a compost heap That now grows negative weeds With my name In your bittersweet brain You’re just so easily swayed By the ones who shout the loudest And come to you But now I’ve gone quiet You don’t look for me - And you always said that was your strategy Well that seems hypocritical to me
Oh stranger, it's nice to meet you but can you reconcile my mind? Please. I'm tired of grasping empty hands that are not mine to find Squeeze. I know you wanted a friendly chat something light to pass the time but if you could help me forgive myself I think I'll be doing just fine. [Leaves]
I'll sit and talk to the bar stools Made of harder stuff than the sticks and mud of my soul Well that's just tough. Sneeze. And hope the desperation To be something else flies out before I try to be someone else again.
I stand up on the seat swaying Shout ------ That I just want anything here to understand me and grow and watch me check in with me find the time to care enough to want to know what I'm doing on Saturday days. -
- I can't make connections with anything it's all alien to me. [Another man walks in] Oh stranger, it's nice to meet you but can you reconcile my mind?
It's like I've lost you all over again Before, was when i realised You were not the mythical King of Everything my 12 year old brain could see through the appeals you made to my "maturity" This is normal the destruction of the idolised infallible parent It must come with time.
But now, I have seen.
You have allowed me A faint glimmer
At the parts of you that look just like me. I was never sure where certain feelings came from and my capacity to profoundly know them Was it you? I won't know because you've invited me onto the red carpet for the premiere of "Who you really are" and then disappeared again pulled, what I can see now, was only a tatty old rug from beneath my toes And now my feet are cold.