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Feb 14 · 655
Carried Away
Nikki Nikos Feb 14
Love to love, smile to smile
I can't help it. Getting carried away is easy.
I'm older, but not wiser
Cynical but not narcissistic.
Idealistic but not optimistic
Deceptively simple, some say.

We're falling through the sky
like raindrop tears that adorn my window...
we are endless, shapeless
a feeling... an emotion... a premonition
we are everything and nothing at once.
Feb 14 · 226
Chocolate hearts
Nikki Nikos Feb 14
eyes that attract, hearts that collide,
words like honey... they all Shine like glitter.

Smile with intention, with purpose...
irresistible like chocolate, like that addiction you can't
get rid
I can't seem

from biting into that sweetness.
from falling into the depths of you
from entering a route that will
bring disaster at

The End.
Nov 2020 · 655
If Death was a friend
Nikki Nikos Nov 2020
If death was a friend...
I'd tell it to stop making me cry.
I'd tell it to stop making the faucet
inside me run and run like a waterfall.

If death were a friend to me,
I'd tell it to stop taking away those that I love.
I'd tell it to find someone else to bother.

If death were a friend,
I'd tell it to stop pulling my heartstrings
making my heart twinge and twist
as if a knife were stabbing me.
I'd tell it to stop bullying me,
I'd beg for it to leave me alone.

But it persists,
looming over me each night
like the nightmares that cling to me like a blanket.
a blanket of despair, of sleepless nights
of sadness that can't be quelled.

The impatience runs and death waits patiently,
waiting as it whispers to me
the chilling words that wake me up:

"I'm not done yet."
Oct 2020 · 233
Permanent Tattoo
Nikki Nikos Oct 2020
Tattoos are permanent reminders
of what you choose.
of your past self,
the ink imprinted into you
like the kiss of a lover.

They cannot be removed.
They cannot be changed or forgotten.

So... if that's the case,
Would every person
that I meet
become one too?

Does that mean that once I met you...
that you've imprinted yourself
on my skin forever?
Does that mean that the heartbreak
you caused me is also there,
forever etched onto my skin
as a reminder of what you did to me?
Oct 2020 · 428
Tucked Away
Nikki Nikos Oct 2020
there's a small pocket...
could be in my sweater,
my mind or my heart.
It doesn't matter where.

All you need to know
is that in the pocket
all my memories of you
are stored there.

The best part is that
I can always look back on them
because they're good memories...
even if it reminds me
of how far away we are.

The saddest part is...
I can also remember the bad moments
when my heart broke,
when you made it into
Oct 2020 · 82
La candela
Nikki Nikos Oct 2020
La candela, the candle
of Hope and Fear,
your heart guarded, but longing...
to set your heart aflame.

it flames, it flickers,
your touch like sparks, igniting everything.
My smile, bright like glitter,
like the stars in a midnight sky.

Sweet words, sweet smile,
sweet compliments like candy
making me melt like butter and
we're moths drawn to the flame.

our connection, yearning for
that same hope that shines in the midnight sky.
La candela, the last reminder
of the last hope we have.

So, why don't we burn together?
If anyone has read Aurora Burning, you'll recognize the last words ;)
Sep 2020 · 457
Read my lips
Nikki Nikos Sep 2020
Your words,
speak to my soul.

Your personality,
is making me fall for you.

Your smile,
makes me smile.

Do you know what I think?
usually, you do,
but whenever you can't...

Read my lips and you'll
find out what I want.
A little inspiration from Inna's new song "read my lips" with Farina
Sep 2020 · 142
Nikki Nikos Sep 2020
I'm suffocating inside and
I don't know why.

I'm drowning in the ghost of smiles
from former friends and
people I haven't seen in forever.

I'm drowning in your words,
offering me comfort and solace.
I'm drowning in the big puzzle
that makes up you.

I find myself anxious for a new text,
for anything to not lose the connection.

For some reason, I already find myself liking you.
So now I can just hope that...
someday you will too.
Aug 2020 · 101
Love between texts
Nikki Nikos Aug 2020
So, in this socially distant year...
how do we find ourselves
still falling in love?

People in quarantine, are stuck at home
and the internet world becomes our solace.

Love blooms from unexpected places.
Meeting people online is
always a bit of an obstacle,

But... when you meet someone
that just clicks with you,
that is willing to keep the conversation going,
I can't help but admire them...
from a distance.

They make you feel like you're floating.
Like you are slowly falling in love
with the words on a text,

It's as if a spell has been cast on me.
The question at hand is...

Why does my heart keep falling?
This poem kinda just popped up in my head.
Aug 2020 · 85
Nikki Nikos Aug 2020
I try to tell myself that I'll be loved someday.
"be patient and wait and wait until that fated day comes."

Tell me why I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for that day
when the one I will fall for tells me,
"I love you too."

What if that day never comes?
My heart has been re-stitched so many times.
My face has flickered so many emotions.
My usual personality has turned into glitter.

Now as I meet new people,
All I see are black screens on a zoom meeting.
"You'll meet your love in college"

Through an Instagram picture that looks nice?
through that black space in the zoom meeting?
Through a nice text that was sent my way?
In my thoughts?

Tell me.... when will that day arrive?
Aug 2020 · 235
Your name
Nikki Nikos Aug 2020
your name
is engraved
in my mind.

Like a lullaby,
your name brings me comfort.

Like a pain reliever,
you calm my nerves and insecurities

Like a favorite food,
you make me smile.

Your name
brings back so many memories
of you and me,
It has made me go through
a million emotions.

Your name
is a blessing in my life.
Aug 2020 · 70
Nikki Nikos Aug 2020
Once upon a time,
She was whole.
Her heart was unbroken,
Not afraid of her reflection.
She believed she was beautiful.

Then rejection shattered it all.
It made her scared of the mirror.
It glared back at her,
Showing her as is.

Simple. True. Unfiltered. Natural.

This horrified her.
Each time she saw the mirror
She saw rejection. Disapproval.

Funny because her soul,
Still radiated sunshine.
She was just afraid of
Her reflection.

One day she asked
The one person where
Everything began about
how he was so confident.

He smiled and reminded her.
He reminded her about her strengths,
What he admired about her,
How much their friendship meant...
How she needed to give herself More credit.
"Talk to the mirror." he said.
For weeks, she refused to.

It took a pandemic,
A quarantine of 4 months,
People she kept in close touch..
To rebuild herself.

To look at the mirror once more.
Aug 2020 · 233
Nikki Nikos Aug 2020
It sparkles.
It shines.

Someone once called me glitter.
I had no idea why.
It was because of the way
I smiled.
It was because
I was always laughing.
It was because I always
Looked to the bright side.

I loved, loved so hard
I gave my entire soul,
And had it crushed.

All my hopes, dreams,
All my love was
Stepped on until
All that was left was...

Jul 2020 · 101
Nikki Nikos Jul 2020
How do I tell you...
That healing takes a while?
How do I tell you...
That you're beautiful as is,
Without you believing it to
Be a lie?
How do I show you
That looking at yourself isn't
A challenge, but a blessing?

Tall or short,
Skinny or curvy,
A bookworm or a social butterfly,
You're beautiful.
The way you smile,
The way you laugh, think, everything...
It's all beautiful.

People will try to
squash your hopes.
Don't let them.
People will make you
Feel so small,
Your hope will wither away,
Like dust on windows,
Your heart will bleed,
You'll cry, scream...
Yell at the skies
Because you were hurt.

But they will never realize
The beautiful warrior you are.
The resilience to keep loving,
The determination to hope,
The desire to be happy.
Then, that broken heart
won't matter.

Because you'll be healed by then.
Jul 2020 · 125
Turn the page?
Nikki Nikos Jul 2020
Time slowed down
for some time.
The days dragged ,
On and on like
The trail of a turtle.

I died of boredom.
The world died of panic.
Now, it's like it all ended.
We graduated.

Into a new era,
One in which everyone is
Extra sensitive--
more than before.
One where more people are
Careless to a threat
That still exists.

Since then,
Everything has changed.
A nation divided.
Carelessness roaming around.
We are celebrating because...
Money is entering
People's pockets.

With the risk of falling again.
But that doesn't matter, right?
As long as the green bills
Fill up Mr. Rich Man's pocket.
People like you and I
Don't matter.

I wonder if that's
how it'll be now.
Celebrating that the economy
Is open, but with more
People with their dying breaths.

If that's the case,
I wish this celebration ends.
We're not independent.
We are teethering at the edge..
Of falling again into
Sickness. Death. More panic.

I guess we forgot that part.
So.... Happy Independence day?
Jun 2020 · 86
Nikki Nikos Jun 2020
When will I learn?
To stop making
The same mistakes again
For you?

Because I care about you
When you probably never did.
Because i had countless
Sleepless nights....
Because of you.
A mistake.

One that i keep committing
Each and every single time.
So, tell me....

When will I finally learn
To stop making the same mistakes again,
The same mistakes for you?

My heart keeps wishing you
Didn't push me away..
It wishes that you
don't call me up ONLY
Whenever you need something.

Why won't I learn to
Stop these mistakes
From happening again?
This is inspired from Jonas Blue's new song "mistakes" ft. Paloma Faith. A wonderful song in which we remind ourselves of what we do for those we care about.
Jun 2020 · 76
Nikki Nikos Jun 2020
Long summer nights,
The moon glimmers...
And i can't sleep.

I hear a symphony,
Along with your ghost.

I don't know why
You appear everywhere.
My heart pinches in...
Pain.anger. sadness. Longing.
My brain spins at night,
And a thought turns
Into a million,
not letting me sleep.

I think about my family.
About you. About my friends.
About why the world seems
To have turned colder,
Even though
My air conditioner is blazing.
reminding me how hot It is.

My phone is silent.
It misses your texts.
It misses everybody's texts.
Have i been forgotten so easily?

Why do I have to be the one
Wrestling with your ghost,
With a silent phone
With no texts?

It makes me look lonely.
Makes me look desperate.
I try to sleep...
but I can't.

With your ghost,
Tormenting me and reminding
Me that you left a mark....
That won't ever be forgotten.
Jun 2020 · 54
In your dreams
Nikki Nikos Jun 2020
In your dreams...
I probably don't exist.

Even though in mine,
You do.

In your dreams,
You're probably creating
New masterpieces.

In mine,
I just dream of the day
You'll say that I mean more.
More than just a friend.
More than just someone to
Rely on for school.
More than the person you
Chat with because you're bored.
More than just the girl who beams
Whenever she sees you.

I dream of those eyes,
Those beautiful, mysterious eyes.
I imagine you whisking me away,
Far away from reality.

I dream of your lips on mine
Of all the places they can explore...
I dream of you.
You appear
In my head.

Even if i try to forget you.
But in your dreams,
I probably never meant anything.
Yet you find your way to stay
In my head.
Jun 2020 · 151
Whose fault is it anyway?
Nikki Nikos Jun 2020
It's not my fault
my heart is broken.

But it's not your fault
That YOU broke it
in the first place.

It's not my fault that I'm sad.
But it's not your fault that
You're indifferent to it.
You just never cared.

It's not my fault that I don't
Feel beautiful.
But apparently,
It's not your fault for making me
Feel that way.

It's not my fault that I always cared more about you than about me
But apparently,
It's not your fault for making
Me think that you care.

You cut me off
whenever you want
And make me wait....
For whenever you want to talk.

Making me miss you.
Making me think that I
Said something wrong.
But apparently, that's not your fault either.

So whose fault is it anyways?
Jun 2020 · 41
As fate would have it.
Nikki Nikos Jun 2020
Fate tied me to you
Two years ago.
I fell for those brown eyes,
Stopping midsentence from that question in spanish
Making me look like a rookie.

I plunged into the sea,
The sea of you,
Your magnetic personality,
Drawing me closer
Like a moth to fire,
You knew this the whole time.

I dived into the sea of unknowns,
Just to find out I wasn't the one
For you.
I cried and cried, my heart...
Bleeding endlessly.
You extended an olive branch...
Of "friendship" you called it.

Since then,
I have seen some new parts
Of you.
You have discovered more
About me.
Those eyes still make me swoon,
My heart still beats a thousand
Beats per second.

Love is probably written
Over my face still.
Despite you putting me at
Arm's length.
At arm's length from getting closer to you.
At arm's length from there
Being more for us.

You'll say things to make my
Heart beat faster.
Things to make logic go blind
And emotion to rule over

So i fall.
Deeper and deeper,
Until i'm up to the neck...
With some hope that
The feelings that I never
Forgot will rise again,
Like a tide,
That will wash over you
And that someday you...
Would finally accept.

That you would see that I...
Would move earth and sky
For you.
That I would do anything to help
To see...
You succeed
To witness...
You being happy.

I just hope that maybe you'll be happy with me.
And not away from me.
May 2020 · 377
Nikki Nikos May 2020
Tell me the ideas,
In your head and heart.
I'll spill all the beans
I never should've spilled.

Put ideas in my head,
Of the love that I feel,
Of the words radiating
How vulnerable we are.

Bask in the light....
I put you in a pedestal,
Revered you like a god.

Chiseled face,
Beautiful brown eyes,
gold specks
Of that spark that lit me up,
That lit up the embers
in my heart and made a fire...
Burning brighter than the sun.

Every time you disappear,
Worry fills me,
Of the fear you left in me,
Of the spark that suddenly
My fire turned into ashes.
Your words, like a salve,
The only memory
of that spark I need to...

Come back alive.
Apr 2020 · 115
Nikki Nikos Apr 2020
there's a hurricane of
everything, everywhere.

A hurricane of anger,
slapping against broken glass
shattering on the floor,
perfect pieces spilling
like the broken status
of our world.

A hurricane of sadness,
reflecting in the water,
our tears drowning in there.
tears or simple water--
I can't tell anymore.

A hurricane of bad news
looms over us each day,
light or dark--
there's no difference.
People still die.
We're all still home.
Boredom still exists,
distance still exists.

The news repeating,
bad news like a broken melody,
like the ticking clock
that ticks and tocks,
counting down the minutes we have left in this world.

"The light will come out soon"
I still see the sun, but it never shines as bright as it did before.
I wake up with cloudy skies,
the beautiful backdrop
to the heaviness in all of us
the uncertainty pinning us down in fear and despair.

The young and old die,
the good and innocent die,
the rich still stand strong,
and then us--

in between of it all...
not alive, but not dead either,
just drifting in limbo
at the chaos around us.
Apr 2020 · 89
First responder
Nikki Nikos Apr 2020
I see to not see.
Seeing everyone who sees me.

Though they don't see me, Who I AM.
They see HER. The girl that always smiles.

Always kind, never a fighter.
Quick with words and a smile.
Hands raised, she laughs out,
Her laugh ringing...
It feels good to see someone happy.
But they never ask how she's doing.

Observing is nice.
No shouting names, Silence a reward for
All your "hard work",

But responding...
Is bolder. One not many do.
Do you ask a question?
Or do you stay stunned in silence?

Instead of observing,
check on others to see how they're doing
In a world so broken,
so shattered of our selfishness,
our hate and greed,
check on someone and be
that first responder.

You don't need a degree to
be a first responder,
All you need to do is to have
the bravery to
speak up.
Apr 2020 · 48
Stolen moment
Nikki Nikos Apr 2020
I stole a moment...
not too long and not too short.
I broke a rule.

Correction: I broke too many rules.

I got too close when I shouldn't have,
I said too much when I shouldn't have
I did too much that I shouldn't have,

Like a thief in the night,
silent, but in motion.

In my dreams, I stole your words.
In my dreams, you stole something from me.
A kiss.

I stole your breath,
You stole my hands,
letting them wrap themselves
around you
You stole all my memories--
the ones of us laughing,
talking, smiling
looking at each other.
You stole my breath.

and all I got was
the ghost of a smile.
Apr 2020 · 46
From a front
Nikki Nikos Apr 2020
Go first.
I walk, with two steps,
Straight into the unknown.

Hold hands, let go.
Walk into the unknown,
Why don't you?

Go back. No you can't.
So just walk into the unknown.

Stand still, but they shove
Me into the unknown.
Apr 2020 · 64
One life
Nikki Nikos Apr 2020
Wake up today, or you could die
Get up, walk, go through the routine of each day.
Add a new thing to your day.
The girls will laugh,
the guys will brood in silence,
The adults will linger
at the childhood that was once theirs,but no more.

The archaeologist uncovers
the past,
We, the cartographers to our own paths of creation & destruction.
The unborn our future,
Unfeeling, but secretly living

Narrating is always easy.
Writing and living isn't.

Who will live for you when you're no more?
Will you live with what you did when you were alive?
Or will you cry in despair,in regret of every IF...

you never did?

There is always desire and
Someone's feelings that are never reciprocated.

The desire turns into a wish,
A dream that lives forever,
of the life you could've lived.

But that you never did.
So what did you do
With your one life?
Mar 2020 · 61
Nikki Nikos Mar 2020
Touch... see... taste... hear..smell...

I touch the softness of my skin,
your warm hands whenever our hands
I imagine your touch, soft and teasing
against my skin, getting goosebumps

I see the face that I have memorized in my mind,
the one I think of everytime
I see the perfectly brushed hair,
The outfits that always seem to compliment

I taste the donuts we both like,
imagine those lips on mine
what it would be like...
what the fireworks in my chest would
be like if our lips touched
soft against rough,
gentle against urgent and passionate EMOTION...

I hear the gentle voice that always soothes me
the advice that replays in my head on a loop,
the compliments i'll get from you sometimes,
I hear your voice whenever you sing or hum
the gentle humming soothing my soul
each day, each minute and each second

I smell the fabric softener,
the floral smell always hitting me.
Other days it's vanilla, but
nonetheless, I smell it everywhere I go.
Sleeping in my covers,
smelling fabric softener that sends me
into a peaceful sleep.

I sense the interactions
between us
You keep me hoping
for a better life
You make me smile
So much my face hurts
All worth it in the end...

As long as you're there...
All of this...
This pain, this yearning
This  crisis in the world
Those selfish and hateful people
Who only hate instead of love,
It'll all be worth experiencing
If you'll stay in my life.
Mar 2020 · 76
Do they know You?
Nikki Nikos Mar 2020
They say he's a dreamer.
                                                      So­ am I.

They say he gives a mysterious vibe.
                                                   I am more of an open book, but okay
They say he's a bit stuck-up and shy.
                                                    But they don't know him like I do.
They don't know he loves the spotlight.
                                                     But I do.
They don't know he's a sensitive boy who
keeps his emotions bottled up to be considered
a man and nothing else.
                                                  But I do.
They don't know how bold he can be,
how he's incredibly smart,
how he's a night owl
who pulls all-nighters and
create masterpieces in one night
                                                           ­         But I know all of this.

It's taken me a while to collect the pieces
that form the mystery boy that few know
It's a few people he lets in, a quiet disposition
for the bold personality he has,
brigthening up my day with a smile in an instant.
                                                        ­             He knows me like a book.
But I know him pretty well.
The only questions left are:                          
                                  ­                            Will he ever admit what I am to him?
Mar 2020 · 55
Baker's dozen
Nikki Nikos Mar 2020
We're at the donut shop.
with the scent of coffee filling us up....

We're at a donut shop.
You and I.
No idea why we chose it,
whether the smell of coffee
pulled us both in...
or simply because we wanted to sit.

You ask me what I want.
I offer to pay and you push my money away
You ask me again.

I answer with a simple
"boston cream donut"
You smile at me and order and he brings the same
donut for himself.
You ask me why.

I tell him it's my favorite.
He laughs and smiles
saying it's his favorite one too.
we laugh and chat...

I wonder why.
I wonder why there are so many
why the signs are pointing to you,
and yet
and yet
you're oblivious.

We order a baker's dozen,
and we match all the donuts with a pair
except one.
I eat it, so it's not alone,
but it reminds me of how lonely I feel.

If only you could actually see me.
Feb 2020 · 60
Nikki Nikos Feb 2020
dripping off of a honeycomb,
the honey spills through it,
a steady stream of sticky sweetness
reminds me of the constants in life.

There will always be a happy person.
There will always be a loved person,
There will always be someone who's LIVING.

you're so sweet, so sticky, so irresistable
You fill people up
You make me happy
You make others happy to see you.

I know you've had your ups and downs.
I know you have flaws and imperfections,
but don't we all?

honey, please keep being a constant in my life
Don't let me go, I know I won't.
Feb 2020 · 61
Nikki Nikos Feb 2020
did you know that sometimes
you leave me breathless?
not being able to say a word?

I see you each day, like a clock
I try not to pay attention
to each outfit carefully selected,
that beautiful smile of yours,
those eyes that I shy away from still
the perfectly coiffed hair I wish I could
pass my hands in,
the lean frame that makes me wonder
what's behind the perfectly dressed boy
in front of me

Sometimes, I look like a mess.
You'll still smile at me.
You'll still talk to me and make me laugh,
I'll still fall in love with you more.
It seems so ineveitable,
probably still obvious in my face.

Sometimes when I can't speak,
like when I'm sick
I scream to the heavens in my mind
to be able to say something to you
so it doesn't seem like i'm ignoring you.
they never listen.

So as you try to fill up the silence,
awkwardness filling us up
I stand speechless at you.

You, the person I met in a spanish class
You, the boy who knew my feelings before
I figured them out.
You, the person that has shared so much
with me, making me feel important to you.
You, the person I come to for all my problems
You, the boy I care about more than myself.
You You You...
leave me speechless each time.

Years from now,You probably still will.
Feb 2020 · 75
Special to me
Nikki Nikos Feb 2020
You're special.
Even if the world tells you otherwise,
you're special.

You may be damaged,
broken, sewn and restitched
but you're beautiful and loved.

To the people I know
You are all special to me.
To my followers on HP,
I love all of you for believing,
admiring my work
through the good, the raw pain,
EVERYTHING, thank you.

To the people that yet I need to meet,
you're special too.
You'll probably mark my life
in ways I can't even imagine.

I might meet a new best friend,
the true love, the new enemy,
or even someone who'll make me
smile and laugh more.
It could be anybody, but you're special
Even if I have no idea who you are.

To my Mami,
who pushes me each day
te amo con todo mi corazón,
I love you with all my heart.

To my papi who gives me tough love,
thank you for showing me the beauty
behind the struggle of life.

To my sis who loves and hates me,
I love your humor and all the flaws
that we love and hate.

To my amigos,
who have time and time again
given me a reason to
live, love and smile.
Much love to you all.

Today is supposed to be a holiday
for the smoochy smoochy couples.

Guess what?

I'm claiming that day
to show the enormity of my heart.
I love you all ,
Today, Tomorrow and Always.
Feb 2020 · 53
Nikki Nikos Feb 2020
There's valentine's day,
a celebration of love....
inspired off a massacre.

The celebration of love hits everyone as
lovely couples pass by,
being all cuddly & happy,
receiving the hugest bouquet of roses,
the huge teddy bears and huge
boxes of chocolate....

Why don't you hand me one of those over?

I'm walking down the same street you are,
maybe not so happy because i'm alone
or because my heart went through a
massacre of heartbreak,definitely not cuddly
with anyone since you know, I'm ALONE.

So take your romantic show and express it
somewhere else. I don't need to see how others
are happy and the snow blowing in
my eyes, offering no comfort.
To cover that bitterness in my face.

I'm alone and sad,
The chocolate won't heal my heart.
It'll help me gain pounds, that's all.

Happy valentine's day then.
If your heart went though a massacre,
Happy Valentine's day.
If you are happy and cuddling with the
love of your life
or a current fling,
Happy Valentine's day then.
Feb 2020 · 47
Nikki Nikos Feb 2020
There's a beat in the distance,
a heart beating steadily, feeling warm
waiting for the "soulmate" to appear.

In another part of that distance,
another heart is beating,
this one is a little colder,
feeling sad and lonely... waiting
for someone that will complement them.

As the two distant hearts unite,
one willing to love,
the other willing to be loved
the two find so much in common
and their twin heartbeats
ring and beat in harmony
under the snowy evening
with the moonlight
highlighting these harmonious souls.
Feb 2020 · 53
Nikki Nikos Feb 2020
I dream of dreams,
getting lost in the fluffy white clouds,
mind spiraling, spacing out.

I dream of me, my future, who I might become.
I dream of you, you,you.... the one I never forget.
I dream of how you'll impress people with your talent.
I dream of me, the one that can smile freely again.

I dream..... of the day I'll be loved.
of the day you'll truly be happy.
of the day i'm less broken.
of the day we'll still talk years from now.

I get lost in my reverie,not paying attention.
It's better in there. Better in the books.
escaping to who knows where because I feel so helpless.

I read to escape my reality, hiding in books
instead of facing what makes me... me.
Hoping the books will transform my life. Knowing that only I can.

But in between my reverie and real life,
Will there ever be a way out of the clouds?
Jan 2020 · 144
The Collector
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
You hear whispers of the collector...
No one knows who it is.
It could be you or me.
The collector collects the heart of others,
capturing them in jars and on display.

pure love, pure hate, pure longing,
all of them kept and locked away
The collector can be a "he"

A collector of hearts and feelings,
mysterious eyes that people fall for,
a smile that captures your heart effortlessly,
until he plagues your mind and every waking moment.
It can be a "she"....

The heartbreaker, beautiful like a goddess
that eats the emotions of others, feeding off and
becoming unbreakable, hearts shattering like glass.

It doesn't matter who it is.
Just avoid the collector of hearts.
Because if you see their collection of hearts,
run away and let the wind take the pain you'll suffer
if you stay behind to be collected.
Jan 2020 · 55
Looking for me
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
Left and right,
up and down,
forward and back.....
I can't find me.

I look under the covers,
I look beside every book,
I look right by you....
and I can't find me.
I look for me in the shower,
in the songs I sing each night
to soothe my soul,
and I can't find me.

I'm looking for me in school,
with 400 and something seniors
who may or may not be like me....
I can't find me.

I can't find me anywhere.
Will I ever find me?
Or will I be forever in limbo?
Jan 2020 · 55
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
I think about you...
about me ...
about everything in my life.
The success, The mistakes,
The regrets and no regrets,
I think of it all....
Overthinking it all.

So much brain, So much heart...
my heart overthinks its feelings,
and overthinks the motives of others,
It overthinks the opinions of you,
the opinions of others.... and of itself
The heart shouldn't overthink and just....
let go and LOVE

I dive in,
headfirst into the rushing madness,
life spinning me around in circles
until I can't stop.
the world blurs in the waves of
Life in all the colors of the world,
passing through my eyes...
those colors I overthink as well
I overthink about everything,
except myself.
Never mind.
I overthink me too.
Jan 2020 · 49
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
Take a picture....
of the world around me,
take a picture...
capturing the look in your eyes,
take a picture of...
the moments that define me,
that define you, that define US.

Take a picture of the day I was born,
Take a picture of the day I first smiled
and first cried.
piles and piles of polaroids,
depicting my life and the beautiful
steps and mis-steps I took,

Take a picture of the way I looked
throughout the years
those smiles changing, but always there.
my biggest gift to the world: my smile
the one that's been taken away so many times

Take a picture of the times I was beautiful
like a summer rose, young and carefree,
and a picture of the days where I'm not
like the pristine marble floor with the red wine
spilling against the pure white, glass breaking
with the shards on the floor that resemble all the
imperfect parts of me.

Take a picture, won't you?
Jan 2020 · 43
In love
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
I'm in love with the morning sunrise I always miss.
in love with the pillow
holding my head together.

In love with the breakfast my mom makes each day,
the smirk of my tedious sister and
the random conversations with my dad,

In love when that blessed first bell rings
to change to my favorite class.
In love with the threshold of that class
as my head reflexively looks to you--
that beautiful smile, those eyes I have loved
for two years.

As I sit down, I try to mask my emotions,
I'll still sneak looks at you when you're not looking,
still counting the days in my head of when
one day you would say you want me

It may be selfish, but I want to be loved.

I want you to be loved, and
the person next to me and so forth.
Sadly the world is a bit more selfish than me
and has other plans.

So i'll remain in love with the
never-ending stack of books,
in love with the computer chats i'll have
in love with the coffee on my desk,
in love with the smile on my face
as I go to sleep.
Jan 2020 · 124
The Spider
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
Eight legs, all multitasking...
hearing the sounds of the hallway,
it plays dead as it silently weaves more webs...
webs and webs of just about anything you could dream of...

It reminds me of us. All of us.
We are all spiders of all sizes,
shapes and colors,
each of us weaving our own webs,
some intertwining and making
great things, others making disaster.

There are the webs of love,
the one I want to be entangled in,
like the arms of that lover,
that whispers sweet nothings to me
making me feel more complete than ever.

The webs of lie and deceit--all too familiar
as I've been through them and have
battled them, much to my dismay.
The moonlight shines bright on these webs,
highlighted by the beauty and danger of them.

The webs of pain and sadness,
that become more complicated
than the knots of the unraveling spool of thread,
as we all fall deeper and deeper
into the abyss,
wondering if we'll come out.

All these "spiders"
want to come out and play,
to see if they can weave
new stories for all of us to live in.

new webs being woven, webs that we'll enjoy
entangling ourselves in, enjoying
the light and darkness of them,
the thrill they'll bring us....
the adventure of being caught up in them,
and falling prey to whatever we choose.
Jan 2020 · 41
city lights
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
come with me, so our hearts can
collide where we can forget everything.

Forget about the world, and its problems.
Observe the night,
stars twinkling and the dazzling balcony
from where we're standing
with nothing but me and you
looking at the stars...
getting lost in your eyes,

the golden specks shining
as I get lost in the breeze
and you at the sight of
the city we grew up in.

Let the city lights blind you.
Just feel our city
steadily thrumming,
the music in our ears,
the breeze making us vulnerable
and true
the city lights of all colors
shining in the night along with
all the nocturnal souls travelling,
seeing the beautiful night with the twilight sky.

Let's get lost in the sky and all its
promises, fall in love with the sky,
the night, and with each other.
Jan 2020 · 59
Shape of being Lost
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
Looking back at the years,
months ,days, seconds,
I look at what has happened
and I reflect on the here and now:

Why am I feeling so lost?

I'm wandering around life
going through my daily routine,
wondering why life seems to have
no sense.
My heart has been butchered so many
times, it has cried at every stitch that
has gone into that heart,
The tears that cloud my eyes,
the piercing loneliness
the aching sound of silence despite noise
has felt so disorienting.

Friends become distant,
and i'm sailing in a sea feeling alone.
My sister lash backs at the world
in her "phase",
My mother retreats to her room,
the only solace of the dried up love
that's left between my dad,
the nights being lonely with tears,
The spirit in the house disappearing.
My dad who comes every day from work,
feeling angry and miserable,
telling himself it'll be worth it if I
go to college and graduate.

What pressure does that apply to me?
It's like a thousand pounds on my chest
I can't breathe of the pressure to do well
I have chosen a path.... i'm not sure may be right for me

I feel lost, disoriented, confused, lonely, unloved.
I give my heart.... no one is willing to accept it
I give my brain,..... but it isn't enough
I give my best smile..... that is ignored
I don't know what to give anymore.

More and more people tell me to be selfish,
I try, for their sake, but it doesn't work.
It goes against how I was "programmed"

So I stand here: wondering why am I lost?
Jan 2020 · 63
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
hush baby if you see me cry,
then kiss my tears away.
hush baby if you see me smile,
then love me like a lullaby.

love me like....
love me like that song
you hum each morning
love me like......
your favorite food that
you devour in seconds

rock a bye baby,
off the treetop of love,
let your heart fly
with the beat of a thousand drums,
with the passion of a thousand fires
and let it love,
let it love fully and honestly.

Listen to the beat of our hearts
as we sway back and forth
in the notions of daily love
with each smile,
each conversation, each gesture
as a sign of a blossoming love
garden those plants with the love for
that person.

But beware: don't let the love wither.
No matter what, don't let it shrivel up
and die-- or your heart will regret it.

So, hush baby if you see
the love disappearing,
then love like if it were a
Jan 2020 · 441
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
Some people long for a life
full of adventure, to have that heart racing,
full of adrenaline, to push forward.

Some people just want to be loved.
The hopeless romantics who sit down,
in the coffee shop, coffee steaming,
music playing, misty eyes,
as the next romantic novel
sweeps you off your feet.

As I delve into these worlds of
romance and adventure,
every step is like walking on a tightrope
each page is me,
walking on a tightrope,or on broken glass,
careful to not spill....careful to not fall...
fall into the pain and despair of heartbreak.

Between book and real life,
In a book it's so much easier to
fall from that tightrope,
to delve deeper and deeper
into the beautiful and passionate love stories,
and to never rise from them again

but then the wave of water crashes down,
slapping me back to reality.
back into real life.

Each time I fall in love,
I don't vow to give some of my heart.
Like a tightrope, I stretch
and all my heart
LOVES , it stretches to love
every fiber and flaw of that person.
I dive in, not afraid to drown,

I leap into a new adventure of love,
as my feelings unravel like
a spool of thread....
walking on a tightrope, I do dangerous leaps
with my heart each time, risking heartbreak,
risking sadness and despair,
all for that little thrill..

I'm walking on a tightrope each time,
the tightrope of my heart, as it leaps
into another possible heartbreak.
Each rejection hits me, and I fall from that

Practice makes perfect, they say.
So as I vow to not ever step on that tightrope again....
to vow that my heart has shriveled up and died....
It somehow never does.

So I prepare my best smile.
Guard and patch my heart,
once more as I pray now.
As I step on the tightrope,
Jan 2020 · 51
Because of you
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
They say your first love always remains.
that your heart will always beat for them.

The first time I saw you,
those brown eyes, the gold specks shining
in your eyes, full of curiosity...
I saw a mystery before me. One I wanted to solve.
A question was all it took,
for you to sweep me off my feet.

So I fell deeply for you.
I woke up thinking about you.
I went to sleep recounting
our conversations,
hoping the feelings were mutual.

It wasn't meant to happen,
but my heart has always cared about you.
Even 2 years later, it's still does.
you left a mark on my heart.
That was 2 years ago.

2 years later.
like the curious souls we are,
we end up in the same class,
but now as good friends.

We smile,joke around,
laugh together--such a harmonious sound.
Because of you, I look forward to whatever comes my way.
Because of you, I still have hope.
Because of you, I still believe in the power of love.

I know the end is coming...but i don't want it to come.
was that on purpose?
The day you casually mentioned to imagine
us ending up going in the same college?
I don't know,but I did imagine it. I still do.

I imagine you two buildings away from me,
in the theater school and myself,
heading to the education department
using my knowledge to graduate in
imparting other students knowledge.
I imagine us, hanging out, heading out for coffee
as we get a load of homework, and we'll laugh
like always.
I imagine all this, as you speak.

we may have different paths,
but no matter what, you'll always be such
an important person to me.

but this is already pretty long.
So.I'll keep it to this:
Promise me you won't forget me.
because i don't want to say goodbye to you yet

So my first love,
my biggest inspiration, my first heartbreak
my best friend....
please don't leave me yet.
Jan 2020 · 49
New Year's Eve
Nikki Nikos Jan 2020
The moon shines bright
As the world keeps tilting--
Brighter than it’s ever been.

The planet shines with a million little lights
That never seem to flicker.
Every continent has little lights that won’t flicker.

Every place in the world is going through...
Light and dark.
Happiness and sadness.
Riches and rags.
Passing out drunk and begging for food.
Partying hard and reading a book.
In a party with people getting lost--
some fun there.

In a place where I don’t belong,
With the streamers flying--confetti blowing.
New year hats littering people’s heads--
along with the floor.
fireworks adorning the night,
Couples stumbling into the room full of clocks,
As they tock together to the melody of
the midnight that approaches quicker,
Drinking and kissing their troubles away.
The girl crying in the bathroom recalling her heartache
Drunk people puking in other bathrooms..
Or wherever there’s space.
The rest of the people dancing,Living in the moment….

Well.. if living in the moment means
Drinking till you can’t feel your face,
Or dancing until your body aches,
Or hooking up with strangers you’ll forget
That exist the next day.
As if all this could erase
Everything you’ve done and been through.

In a place where I don’t belong.
I hear the playlist rewinding back
All the popular hits--
My head swaying back and forth
As I hold my water bottle
Because yes-- I’m the only “saint”
Who drinks water while everyone around her
Gets lost to alcohol and whatever else this party is
“Supposed” to provide.

So help me.
Why am I here? Because I didn't want to be alone.
What about your family? They’re always there.
Leading their own lives in individual rooms,
yes we’re "ALL" there.
Is it because I wanted to say that I had
A great time celebrating the last day of the year
That teared my soul and heart apart?
You know the reason then. The churning in your heart
that you can’t seem to forget, the heartbreak
That all the erasers in the world can’t erase

Don’t mind me.
I’m just sitting in a corner
In a place where i don’t belong
Thinking up these words…
Typing them in my notepad on my phone
As my head sways to the music,
Humming along to keep my head sane
Hearing the loud voices and cheers as
I count down the minutes until the new year
As the tears that somehow make themselves appear again
One last time to torment me,
Of everything i’ve been through
I get up and walk out.

To observe the fireworks--that last piece of magic
The only real thing in this party like all other parties
Instead of sitting at home with family,
Laughing over slipping on ice
Or a movie where we’re wrapped up in blankets
Waiting for the clock to strike twelve
And to eat 12 grapes,
Stopping at each one to make a wish,
Of what we hope for in the new year

Why does it have to be an occasion of drinking? When is it not?
Why does it have to be about desperately forgetting everything?
Because we all have stuff that haunts us. Speak for yourself.
You have a lot you want to erase.
Why can’t it be about celebrating and
being grateful for the good and bad?
That defines more snippets that compose
The beauty of us--all of us?

Why can’t we end this year without...
drinking and being drunk?
Without sorrows and pain?
Without death, violence and darkness?
Without heartbreak shattering our hearts
Like wrecking *****?
Without a frown, but with a smile

New year’s eve.
The eve to all the eves
Not ready to leave, but necessary to go
To finally turn into a new page
That will hopefully be better than the last.
This was meant to be published on new years eve, but HP didn't let me publish it on that day, so here it is: an ode to 2019 and what it left me with. happy new year to everyone on HP!
Dec 2019 · 80
A million dreams
Nikki Nikos Dec 2019
I close my eyes and all I see
Is a future waiting for me,
one intertwined with roses and thorns,

I open my eyes again.
I look at where I am now.
Wavy hair in it's wild mess,
glasses magnifying my vision
with a pile of books,
with the steamy romances and adventures,
I dream of one day for myself.
Fingers on the keyboard
typing and erasing the
stream of words
that fly out of my fingers.

I need to wake up.
from what, I don't know.
I feel like i'm in a dream state--
living, but not living
I'm not living my best life.
I close my eyes.
"just a second" I tell myself.
But a second becomes a minute,
an hour, many hours....
of dreaming those million dreams.

Dreaming of graduating and going to college.
Dreaming of helping my family out more.
Dreaming of the approval from my family.
Dreaming of falling in love like in the books.
Dreaming of preserving my friendships
I cherish so much.
Dreaming of a wedding day in the future.
Dreaming of teaching and impacting
more students.
Dreaming of being complete and confident.
some of many dreams that pass my mind.

So I need to wake up.
From this trapped state,
So instead of living the million dreams
in my head,
they'll be in real life.
Dec 2019 · 71
A little
Nikki Nikos Dec 2019
A little smile.
minimal, but nonetheless it's there.

I'm changing little by little.
I'm a little taller,
I'm a little curvier,
I'm a little more lonely,
I'm a little more stressed.
I'm a little more flawed,
then I was before.
I'm a little less innocent.
I'm feeling like a little girl all over again.

Like the doctor I wanted to become,
diagnosing all my issues and my flaws,
picking them out like the
peas I pick out from my food that
I hate so much.
I pick at my imperfections,
I'm my own harsh judge,
as I judge myself for all my flaws
and compare myself to others
who appear better than me.

I feel so little.
So little in this HUGE world,
I feel like there's little progress each day.
Each day I'm told I'm a day closer to graduating.
A day closer to saying goodbye.
A day closer to becoming an "adult"
and knowing how the hell to handle my life.
If I'm a mess, it doesn't matter
because once I turn 18,
I can't mess up.
If i'm messed up I have
to lock it up inside.
If i'm heartbroken,
the only place that might
want to hear my suffering
are my thoughts,
because no one will care
because they're too busy with
to pay attention.
Few actually care,
but if they glimpsed the entirety
of my soul... how damaged it is...
they'd run for the hills.

I feel a little damaged.
Nothing about this is "little".
It sounds catastrophic,
It's there.
It's a little snippet
of the soul I carry.
Of how burdened I feel about myself.
I feel little in this world.
The world makes me smaller
and smaller until
all I am is a
miscroscopic piece of
flying around the world
with no destination.
That's how my life feels.
Dec 2019 · 70
Nikki Nikos Dec 2019
First smile when I was born.
First tears when I was one.
First scrape when I was two.
First friend when I was 5.
First obession when I was 6.

First fight with a friend when I was 10.
First person to break a school record
when I was 12.
First time in a pool when I was 14.
First graduation when I was 14.
First Love when I was 15.
First Loss at 15.
First confession at the age of 16.

At age 17,
There have been many firsts....
But the first love,
that's the one you never forget.
He's the one I think of every day.
The one I see every day
As the waves crash in my heart,
The days pass, I still see and think of
the first love.
I think of my first mistakes, the present ones
I make... and I think of the future firsts.

First kiss....First graduate of college....
First Marriage (hopefully only one!)
First baby... So many firsts
but we forget the biggest first.

Every morning we wake up,
It's a new day, a new first.
Every day we live is our first and last.
We sleep to be reborn each day.
Those fortunate to wake up,
live through a new first,
Those who don't.... had many firsts
and hopefully enjoyed them,
but love always remains first.

Love completes the soul.
Love brings happiness.
Love brings a new purpose
to that heart that beats in our chest.
Love provides a life compannionship
that leaves you a little less lonely.
We live for Love
Love lives for Life,
Both necessary to all of us.
First love, and all those loves
will always matter.
No matter how they crushed your heart
no matter how painful it may have been
We live on to live new firsts.
What else goes first in your heart?
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