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Nikki Nikos Jan 9
Looking back at the years,
months ,days, seconds,
I look at what has happened
and I reflect on the here and now:

Why am I feeling so lost?

I'm wandering around life
going through my daily routine,
wondering why life seems to have
no sense.
My heart has been butchered so many
times, it has cried at every stitch that
has gone into that heart,
The tears that cloud my eyes,
the piercing loneliness
the aching sound of silence despite noise
has felt so disorienting.

Friends become distant,
and i'm sailing in a sea feeling alone.
My sister lash backs at the world
in her "phase",
My mother retreats to her room,
the only solace of the dried up love
that's left between my dad,
the nights being lonely with tears,
The spirit in the house disappearing.
My dad who comes every day from work,
feeling angry and miserable,
telling himself it'll be worth it if I
go to college and graduate.

What pressure does that apply to me?
It's like a thousand pounds on my chest
I can't breathe of the pressure to do well
I have chosen a path.... i'm not sure may be right for me

I feel lost, disoriented, confused, lonely, unloved.
I give my heart.... no one is willing to accept it
I give my brain,..... but it isn't enough
I give my best smile..... that is ignored
I don't know what to give anymore.

More and more people tell me to be selfish,
I try, for their sake, but it doesn't work.
It goes against how I was "programmed"

So I stand here: wondering why am I lost?
Nikki Nikos Jan 9
hush baby if you see me cry,
then kiss my tears away.
hush baby if you see me smile,
then love me like a lullaby.

love me like....
love me like that song
you hum each morning
love me like......
your favorite food that
you devour in seconds

rock a bye baby,
off the treetop of love,
let your heart fly
with the beat of a thousand drums,
with the passion of a thousand fires
and let it love,
let it love fully and honestly.

Listen to the beat of our hearts
as we sway back and forth
in the notions of daily love
with each smile,
each conversation, each gesture
as a sign of a blossoming love
garden those plants with the love for
that person.

But beware: don't let the love wither.
No matter what, don't let it shrivel up
and die-- or your heart will regret it.

So, hush baby if you see
the love disappearing,
then love like if it were a
Lullaby.
Nikki Nikos Jan 8
Some people long for a life
full of adventure, to have that heart racing,
full of adrenaline, to push forward.

Some people just want to be loved.
The hopeless romantics who sit down,
in the coffee shop, coffee steaming,
music playing, misty eyes,
as the next romantic novel
sweeps you off your feet.

As I delve into these worlds of
romance and adventure,
every step is like walking on a tightrope
each page is me,
walking on a tightrope,or on broken glass,
careful to not spill....careful to not fall...
fall into the pain and despair of heartbreak.

Between book and real life,
In a book it's so much easier to
fall from that tightrope,
to delve deeper and deeper
into the beautiful and passionate love stories,
and to never rise from them again

but then the wave of water crashes down,
slapping me back to reality.
back into real life.

Each time I fall in love,
I don't vow to give some of my heart.
No.
Like a tightrope, I stretch
and all my heart
LOVES , it stretches to love
every fiber and flaw of that person.
I dive in, not afraid to drown,

I leap into a new adventure of love,
as my feelings unravel like
a spool of thread....
walking on a tightrope, I do dangerous leaps
with my heart each time, risking heartbreak,
risking sadness and despair,
all for that little thrill..

I'm walking on a tightrope each time,
the tightrope of my heart, as it leaps
into another possible heartbreak.
Each rejection hits me, and I fall from that
tightrope.

Practice makes perfect, they say.
So as I vow to not ever step on that tightrope again....
to vow that my heart has shriveled up and died....
It somehow never does.

So I prepare my best smile.
Guard and patch my heart,
once more as I pray now.
As I step on the tightrope,
once
again.
Nikki Nikos Jan 7
They say your first love always remains.
that your heart will always beat for them.

The first time I saw you,
those brown eyes, the gold specks shining
in your eyes, full of curiosity...
I saw a mystery before me. One I wanted to solve.
A question was all it took,
for you to sweep me off my feet.

So I fell deeply for you.
I woke up thinking about you.
I went to sleep recounting
our conversations,
hoping the feelings were mutual.

It wasn't meant to happen,
but my heart has always cared about you.
Even 2 years later, it's still does.
you left a mark on my heart.
That was 2 years ago.

2 years later.
like the curious souls we are,
we end up in the same class,
but now as good friends.

We smile,joke around,
laugh together--such a harmonious sound.
Because of you, I look forward to whatever comes my way.
Because of you, I still have hope.
Because of you, I still believe in the power of love.

I know the end is coming...but i don't want it to come.
was that on purpose?
The day you casually mentioned to imagine
us ending up going in the same college?
I don't know,but I did imagine it. I still do.

I imagine you two buildings away from me,
in the theater school and myself,
heading to the education department
using my knowledge to graduate in
imparting other students knowledge.
I imagine us, hanging out, heading out for coffee
as we get a load of homework, and we'll laugh
like always.
I imagine all this, as you speak.

we may have different paths,
but no matter what, you'll always be such
an important person to me.

but this is already pretty long.
So.I'll keep it to this:
Promise me you won't forget me.
because i don't want to say goodbye to you yet

So my first love,
my biggest inspiration, my first heartbreak
my best friend....
please don't leave me yet.
Nikki Nikos Jan 2
The moon shines bright
As the world keeps tilting--
Brighter than it’s ever been.

The planet shines with a million little lights
That never seem to flicker.
Every continent has little lights that won’t flicker.

Every place in the world is going through...
Light and dark.
Happiness and sadness.
Riches and rags.
Passing out drunk and begging for food.
Partying hard and reading a book.
In a party with people getting lost--
some fun there.

In a place where I don’t belong,
With the streamers flying--confetti blowing.
New year hats littering people’s heads--
along with the floor.
fireworks adorning the night,
Couples stumbling into the room full of clocks,
As they tock together to the melody of
the midnight that approaches quicker,
Drinking and kissing their troubles away.
The girl crying in the bathroom recalling her heartache
Drunk people puking in other bathrooms..
Or wherever there’s space.
The rest of the people dancing,Living in the moment….

Well.. if living in the moment means
Drinking till you can’t feel your face,
Or dancing until your body aches,
Or hooking up with strangers you’ll forget
That exist the next day.
As if all this could erase
Everything you’ve done and been through.

In a place where I don’t belong.
I hear the playlist rewinding back
All the popular hits--
My head swaying back and forth
As I hold my water bottle
Because yes-- I’m the only “saint”
Who drinks water while everyone around her
Gets lost to alcohol and whatever else this party is
“Supposed” to provide.

So help me.
Why am I here? Because I didn't want to be alone.
What about your family? They’re always there.
Leading their own lives in individual rooms,
yes we’re "ALL" there.
Is it because I wanted to say that I had
A great time celebrating the last day of the year
That teared my soul and heart apart?
You know the reason then. The churning in your heart
that you can’t seem to forget, the heartbreak
That all the erasers in the world can’t erase

Don’t mind me.
I’m just sitting in a corner
In a place where i don’t belong
Thinking up these words…
Typing them in my notepad on my phone
As my head sways to the music,
Humming along to keep my head sane
Hearing the loud voices and cheers as
I count down the minutes until the new year
As the tears that somehow make themselves appear again
One last time to torment me,
Of everything i’ve been through
I get up and walk out.

To observe the fireworks--that last piece of magic
The only real thing in this party like all other parties
Instead of sitting at home with family,
Laughing over slipping on ice
Or a movie where we’re wrapped up in blankets
Waiting for the clock to strike twelve
And to eat 12 grapes,
Stopping at each one to make a wish,
Of what we hope for in the new year

Why does it have to be an occasion of drinking? When is it not?
Why does it have to be about desperately forgetting everything?
Because we all have stuff that haunts us. Speak for yourself.
You have a lot you want to erase.
Why can’t it be about celebrating and
being grateful for the good and bad?
That defines more snippets that compose
The beauty of us--all of us?

Why can’t we end this year without...
drinking and being drunk?
Without sorrows and pain?
Without death, violence and darkness?
Without heartbreak shattering our hearts
Like wrecking *****?
Without a frown, but with a smile

New year’s eve.
The eve to all the eves
Not ready to leave, but necessary to go
To finally turn into a new page
That will hopefully be better than the last.
This was meant to be published on new years eve, but HP didn't let me publish it on that day, so here it is: an ode to 2019 and what it left me with. happy new year to everyone on HP!
Nikki Nikos Dec 2019
I close my eyes and all I see
Is a future waiting for me,
one intertwined with roses and thorns,

I open my eyes again.
I look at where I am now.
Wavy hair in it's wild mess,
glasses magnifying my vision
with a pile of books,
with the steamy romances and adventures,
I dream of one day for myself.
Fingers on the keyboard
typing and erasing the
stream of words
that fly out of my fingers.

I need to wake up.
from what, I don't know.
I feel like i'm in a dream state--
living, but not living
I'm not living my best life.
IN YOUR DREAMS, maybe.
I close my eyes.
"just a second" I tell myself.
But a second becomes a minute,
an hour, many hours....
of dreaming those million dreams.

Dreaming of graduating and going to college.
Dreaming of helping my family out more.
Dreaming of the approval from my family.
Dreaming of falling in love like in the books.
Dreaming of preserving my friendships
I cherish so much.
Dreaming of a wedding day in the future.
Dreaming of teaching and impacting
more students.
Dreaming of being complete and confident.
some of many dreams that pass my mind.

So I need to wake up.
From this trapped state,
So instead of living the million dreams
in my head,
they'll be in real life.
Nikki Nikos Dec 2019
A little smile.
minimal, but nonetheless it's there.

I'm changing little by little.
I'm a little taller,
I'm a little curvier,
I'm a little more lonely,
I'm a little more stressed.
I'm a little more flawed,
then I was before.
I'm a little less innocent.
I'm feel like a little girl all over again.

Like the doctor I wanted to become,
diagnosing all my issues and my flaws,
picking them out like the
peas I pick out from my food that
I hate so much.
I pick at my imperfections,
I'm my own harsh judge,
as I judge myself for all my flaws
and compare myself to others
who appear better than me.

I feel so little.
So little in this HUGE world,
I feel like there's little progress each day.
Each day I'm told I'm a day closer to graduating.
A day closer to saying goodbye.
A day closer to becoming an "adult"
and knowing how the hell to handle my life.
If I'm a mess, it doesn't matter
because once I turn 18,
I can't mess up.
If i'm messed up I have
to lock it up inside.
If i'm heartbroken,
the only place that might
want to hear my suffering
are my thoughts,
because no one will care
because they're too busy with
life
to pay attention.
Few actually care,
but if they glimpsed the entirety
of my soul... how damaged it is...
they'd run for the hills.

I feel a little damaged.
Nothing about this is "little".
It sounds catastrophic,
but
It's there.
It's a little snippet
of the soul I carry.
Of how burdened I feel about myself.
I feel little in this world.
The world makes me smaller
and smaller until
all I am is a
miscroscopic piece of
dust,
flying around the world
with no destination.
Little.
That's how my life feels.
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