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 Nov 2023 Nicole
undefined
Can I still write you "love letters"
Even if we're not together?

Will you pretend
that it's new again
even when
you know better.



Is it too little, too late?

Still miss you everyday

What I'm trying to say
is I've made mistakes
but none that break
my heart the way
the sound of rain
Somehow makes
My eyes wetter.

And running away
doesn't change a thing,
or take away
what's missing from the space
on my chest
where your head used to lay .

So,  I guess
what I'm trying to say
is

I hope you're doing better

and now that my eyes are redder,

would it be okay
if I could just break
down in a way,
take my guitar and play
...
and
Can I still write you
"love letters"
?
 Feb 2023 Nicole
Dresden
religious trauma
indoctrination
poisonous pedagogy
spiritual manipulation
emotional exhaustion
submission
possession
religious duality
child abuse
psychological distress
isolation
grief
recovery
ambivalance
self-actualization
­self-soothing
safety
trust
autonomy
freedom
25 years of control. 1 year of freedom. So many more terms to learn.
 Oct 2022 Nicole
Lydeen
Not Cute
 Oct 2022 Nicole
Lydeen
I wonder what would happen,
If more people knew about how not cute OCD is.

If they knew about intrusive thoughts,
Thinking about killing yourself-

Throwing yourself in front of an amusement park ride,
Closing your eyes and walking into the street.

Stuck picking at your brain,
Ruining your day.

What would happen if...?
And knowing you shouldn't but REALLY want to.

It's not cute,
Love.
Ocd hits differently when you have the obsessive and compulsive parts.... Thoughts become enemies tbh. It gets stuck- nagging. Rip.
 Oct 2022 Nicole
Gabriel
oh.
 Oct 2022 Nicole
Gabriel
oh.
oh, terrible person;
oh, woe is me, terrible
'person' for terrible acts
that were never committed
in the first place.

oh, second place,
welcome me. welcome
me? welcome 'person'
for uncommitted deeds
and false memories?
is it welcome? is it
welcome?

oh, honey. oh, darling.
oh, sweet sweet sinner
from catholic school
in the back seat of a fighter jet.
oh, military propaganda
for a life un-lived. oh,
song. oh, drown it out.
oh, performance.

oh, performance.

oh, beautiful girl.
oh, girl to be taken.
oh, girl to be used.
oh, girl, get used to it,
you'll be dealing with this
longer than it was dealt to you.
oh, girl, you'll be hurt
longer than the hurters. oh,
sweetheart, i forgive you because you
were young. but you are me,
so i also hate you.

oh, little one.
won't you grow up?
won't you be a failure
earlier than i was?
won't you give up
like i never did?
won't you hitch a breath
on a short prayer,
wish you never were
wish they never were
wish those things...

oh, those things.
wish they never were?

see, you're younger than me.
oh, you're so much younger than me.
wish they were never done;

see, twenty-three year olds
don't have fairy godmothers.
they have propranolol and therapists
and dialectical behaviour therapy forms
forgotten to be filled in.
oh, forgotten.
oh, stone slabs with no meaning.
oh, stonehenge.
oh, mythology.

be an anthropologist, my love.
curl up your grief
and your trauma
and work it into a pretty clay sculpture.
oh, sweetie, make it beautiful
please
make it beautiful. make it
loved, or just make it.
let it be finished
and loved
and long-lasting
and then die.

oh, and then die.

listen to music.
sink into music.
be music,
be beautiful,
be consumed.

you are what was done to you.
after all,
oh, after all,
you are what was done to you.

you are what was done?

you are done.
I want so badly to be me enough
That it doesn't matter how crazy I am.
 Oct 2022 Nicole
Fantasio Milian
ocd
 Oct 2022 Nicole
Fantasio Milian
ocd
obsessive
compulsive
thoughts that don't belong
intrusive
elusive
intrinsically wrong

ocd

unstable
unable
harm your bone and skin
fearful
tearful
tattoos of your sins

ocd
ocd

aggressive
possessive
words not meant but said
irritated
isolated
dreams not gone but dead

ocd
ocd
ocd
day 9
 Aug 2022 Nicole
LS
What do you want to do to me?
Grab my arm
Watch the skin turn red under your white fingertips
Kiss me, mark me, hate me, love me.
Every word you won’t say is written on my face.
I am your mirror.
Don’t look away.
Not for lack of knowledge, I languish.
Not for lack of wisdom, I'd indulge.
Would lusting after apotheogens
make it any less anything? I can

administer those transhuman
Cybran stimulants, posthuman
Aeon dissociatives, and atavistic
psychedelic trips, but my longing
for harmony and synchrony might
bid alchemy and witchcraft farewell.
Ambivalence, comfort, a perfect static
in which the Anemoi are bottled, swirling.

This auld warlock does continue to ponder
the mysteries of quantum metaphysics:
The study of the smallest constituents
identifiable in an act of cognition,
An effort to identify the process
of quality and likeness.
Nuerotransmission may be the engine
of consciousness, but reality is the fuel.
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